From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Apr 01 19:03:57 2007 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1HY3T7-00010Q-2M; Sun, 01 Apr 2007 19:03:53 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sun, 01 Apr 2007 19:02:45 +0200 (CEST) Received: from fall-curlleaf.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.105]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1HY3Rm-0000yr-Av for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 01 Apr 2007 19:02:30 +0200 Received: from onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.60]) by fall-curlleaf.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 4.34) id 1HY24r-00068J-7S for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 01 Apr 2007 11:34:45 -0400 Received: from dialup-4.244.123.126.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.123.126] helo=ldd.net) by onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #1) id 1HY24l-0004Lf-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 01 Apr 2007 11:34:40 -0400 Message-ID: <460FD1F4.6070701@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 01 Apr 2007 10:38:28 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Finds Solution For Lackluster Vista Sales Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Microsoft Finds Solution For Lackluster Vista Sales April 1, 2007 REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- Hoping to turn around dismal sales trends for Windows Vista, Microsoft today announced a new edition of the so-called operating system, Windows Vista(R) Shiny Things Edition(tm), which will feature a $3,950 price tag and "lots of shiny things." According to market research, many Pointy Haired Bosses -- the prime target demographic of Microsoft products -- were turned off by Vista's seemingly low prices. "Revolutionary paradigm shifts are supposed to cost more than a few hundred dollars," explained an industry analyst. "At least that's what most corporate drones think. If Microsoft wants to increase sales, it's going to need to convince pointy-hairs that Vista is the best thing since built-in PC cup holders. The easiest way to do that is to increase the price and add even more useless features." Among those useless features, Vista Shiny Things includes a set of 5 DVDs, each containing 20% more gold than standard discs. The extra gold doesn't add any functionality, but it makes buyers believe that this is a "luxury" operating system. "It's so simple -- developers add granite countertops to a run-down apartment, and suddenly it becomes a 'luxury condominium.' Now Microsoft adds gold plating to its run-down operating system, and suddenly it becomes a luxury must-have software package for elite buyers." Vista Shiny Things also includes 33% more eye candy, including a fully 3D rendered Cancel/Allow dialog box that includes special effects that would make George Lucas envious. The audio subsystem has been upgraded so that the startup theme can be heard in 21-channel surround sound format. Of course, the new shiny things require an obscene level of hardware support. But that shouldn't stop people from buying it, even if they can't run it on their computers. "Vista Shiny Things is like a diamond ring or a Hummer -- it's strictly for show. Nobody expects you to actually use the darn thing for anything practical," said somebody we found on the street who was willing to talk to us. "The price tag reflects that. This product is strictly for keeping up with the Joneses." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Mon Apr 02 04:01:24 2007 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1HYBrE-0003Jf-Nm; Mon, 02 Apr 2007 04:01:20 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Mon, 02 Apr 2007 04:00:21 +0200 (CEST) Received: from onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.60]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1HYBq5-0003JO-2j for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 02 Apr 2007 04:00:09 +0200 Received: from dialup-4.245.2.64.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.245.2.64] helo=ldd.net) by onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #1) id 1HYBq0-0006l8-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 01 Apr 2007 22:00:05 -0400 Message-ID: <4610619B.1070604@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 01 Apr 2007 20:51:23 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] California Imposes April Fools' Day Tax Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix California Imposes April Fools' Day Tax April 1, 2007 SACRAMENTO, PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CALIFORNIA -- In a desperate bid to shore up the state's finances, Gubernator Awnuhld Schwarzenegger today announced that all April Fools' Day hoaxes, jokes, parodies, pranks, amusements, and other assorted forms of jocularity are subject to a so-called BULL, or Bogus Unit Laughter License, that must be paid within 15 days. The new order, effective starting this year, will require a licensing fee ranging from $5 to $50,000 depending on the "context, hilarity factor, ability to pay, and the total number of people hoodwinked by the hoax." "The hot air produced by bogus April 1st pranksterism contributes directly to global warming," said a spokesperson for the gubernator's office. "With this tax, we can mitigate the harmful environmental aspects of this dubious holiday, while also increasing our coffers to help pay for important initiatives, such as universal naptimes for children." It's not immediately clear how the state will enforce the new tax. For that matter, it's not immediately clear if the new regulation against April Fools' Day hoaxes is itself an April Fools' Day hoax. "This is getting way too confusing," said a constitutional law scholar at UC-Berkeley. "It's obvious that this tax is a blatant violation of the First Amendment. But at the same time, we all know that most political campaign promises are a bunch of BULL, so maybe a regulation against hoaxes is just what we need to clean up elections." According to preliminary calculations, 623 websites pulled April Fools' Day hoaxes in which they claimed to be aquired by Google. The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), however, has not been able to identify any websites that plan to comply with the BULL tax, even though most of these sites are hosted in California. "We're not worried," said the webmaster of OhMyGodPonies.com, which today announced a partnership with Google. Or maybe it was Microsoft. All of these stupid April Fools' Day announcements are getting rather tiresome. (Including the fake story you're reading now. And don't get me started about the proliferation of pointless parenthetical meta-comments such as this. (And why must reporters always insert their own biased commentary into every story, like this one?)) "We're not worried," said the webmaster of OhMyGodPonies.com again, hoping to get this reporter back on track. "The wind will shift from another direction tomorrow and the governor will completely forget about this idea." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Mon Apr 09 03:31:45 2007 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1HaijL-00032S-KJ; Mon, 09 Apr 2007 03:31:39 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Mon, 09 Apr 2007 03:30:39 +0200 (CEST) Received: from onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.60]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1HaiiB-000324-DR for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 09 Apr 2007 03:30:27 +0200 Received: from dialup-4.244.183.97.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.183.97] helo=ldd.net) by onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #1) id 1Haii5-00067T-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 08 Apr 2007 21:30:21 -0400 Message-ID: <461994F4.1020405@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 08 Apr 2007 20:20:52 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Keyboard Replacements Up 35% Thanks To SCO Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Keyboard Replacements Up 35% Thanks To SCO April 8, 2007 It's not safe to read the news anymore. One minute you're enjoying a nice beverage at your computer, the next moment you're spewing liquid all over your monitor and keyboard after reading the latest ridiculous and hypocritical motion from The SCO Group. The problem is called IBEE (Involuntary Beverage Explosion Event) and it strikes an estimated 1,650 keyboards each day, often requiring immediate replacement. With SCO becoming increasing desperate, the number of such incidents worldwide has increased nearly 35% since this time last year, providing an unexpected lift for keyboard manufacturers. "Business has never been better," said the CEO of Ctrl-Alt-Delete Manufacturing Co. "Before, almost nobody bought a keyboard in a store, they just came bundled with new computers. But now we're having trouble keeping up with demand." Some corporate IT departments, sick of seeing coffee stains everywhere, have pushed for bans against beverages at workstations. "We fully realize that restricting coffee consumption will likely cause a serious reduction in productivity," explained the CTO at Proactive Synergy Paradigms, Inc. "But we can't afford to keep replacing keyboards like this!" Other workplaces are providing special training to encourage safer beverage consumption. At Google's World Headquarters Complex, signs remind employees to "Don't Spew Your Brew" and "Down The Throat It Goes, Not Through The Nose." "People like to multitask, but you shouldn't gulp and read at the same time," said a Google manager. "It's just too dangerous. I should know -- one time I made the mistake of drinking a soda and reading a SCO press release at the same time. I laughed so hard that soda streamed through my nose, and now my sinuses have never *sniffle* been the same." Even among people that don't drink at the computer, reading the news can still prove dangerous. Take Lowell Rotfuller, who dislocated his left knee while rolling on the floor laughing at yet another hilarious SCO motion. "One of these days, somebody is going to die laughing at SCO. I know I'm going to be a lot more careful when I visit Groklaw in the future." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/