From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Sep 09 02:12:01 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1EDWUn-0000bf-TD; Fri, 09 Sep 2005 02:11:57 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 09 Sep 2005 02:10:43 +0200 (CEST) Received: from onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.60]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1EDCh6-00074f-TO for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 08 Sep 2005 05:03:21 +0200 Received: from dialup-4.244.180.52.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.180.52] helo=thecaperock.com) by onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #10) id 1EDCgt-0006r3-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 07 Sep 2005 23:03:10 -0400 Message-ID: <431F96EE.4080500@thecaperock.com> Date: Wed, 07 Sep 2005 20:42:06 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] And Now A Word From Somebody Else's Lawyer Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.0 required=5.0 tests=BAYES_50 autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@thecaperock.com Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix And Now A Word From Somebody Else's Lawyer Bernhard Rosenkraenzer, bero@arklinux.org September 7, 2005 From Mr. N. O. Humor, Attorney at Law, Kil and Profit Law Firm, registered in some random, obscure, easily-bribed country: Dear Mr. Morals, I'm writing on behalf of the Kil and Profit LLUEC (Limited Liability, Unlimited Evil Corporation) and its customers, including, but not limited to, RPI (Ridiculous Patents, Inc.)(tm), Microsoft(R), the(R) SCO(R) group(R), and George(R) W.(R) Bush(R). Our research department has found your "And Now A Word From Our Lawyers" article, and handed it to me for further handling. I found it to be in violation of several of the patents and trademarks of our customers: 1. Having written a legal statement of more than 3 paragraphs, you are in violation of international patent FBRPO (Fictional But Realistic Patent Office (tm)) #12345678, "Excessively long legal statements", which is available for licensing at only $50 per character beyond the 3rd paragraph if licensed in advance; and only $50 million per character if we caught you using our patent without advance licensing. 2. The presentation of your article violates patent FBRPO(tm) #23456789, owned by RPI, patenting "A method of encoding arbitrary information in sequences of 26 otherwise meaningless symbols" 3. Even though you make some explicit disclaimers about your acticle's title, it violates our customer's trademarks. "Word" is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp. (USPTO #78013812). You are required to purchase a license. 4. Your article uses the word "search" 3 times. "Search" is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp. (USPTO #78615231) and must be licensed. 5. Your article contains the letter "X" 47 times. "X" is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp. (USPTO #78624288) and requires licensing. 6. "Crime Syndicate" is an official nickname and registered trademark of the Bush administration, represented by our valued customer George W. Bush. 7. We have accessed your article through the Google Cache system; therefore technically the content was published on Google and not on Humorix. Therefore your disclaimers 9 and 10 do not apply; I'm hereby informing you that we've launched a class-action lawsuit against you for all ill effects mentioned in those disclaimers. 8. Your statement #14 is in direct contradiction to your http://humorix.org/people/ page, which violates your privacy on several terms. Your statement is therefore to be treated as misleading advertising. 9. Our customers Microsoft and SCO employ several practicing Satanists who are offended by your statement that you do not possess any evidence linking them to their God. We are currently evaluating the right sum to sue for your insulting statement. Moreover, our customer George W. Bush is offended that you omitted the name "Bill Clinton" as a synonym for Satan. 10. In your point #18, you violate the KDE and GNOME trademarks (held by their respective owners). Unfortunately Kil and Profit LLUEC has, thus far, failed to convince those [censored](tm) bastards(R) to hire us to enforce their trademarks. However, we have sued them for violating equal opportunity laws by not giving us an equal opportunity to cash in on their patents. Pending the outcome of this lawsuit, we will add more damages to our existing claims. 11. Lastly, on a personal note, your website's name is made up of my last name (while I have no relation to your site -- associating my name with this crap definitely constitutes libel) and Microsoft's trademark "X". Thank you for giving me a chance to make some personal profit out of this too. We therefore demand that you: 1. Remove the offending material from your website and the Google and Wayback Archives immediately 2. Pay the license fees on the illegally used patents and trademarks owned by Kil and Profit LLUEC and its customers. 3. Pay a handling fee for the writing this message (fortunately for you, Kil and Profit LLUEC is cheap -- we'll charge only $100000 per hour. This message took 317 hours to draft and write, including the time I spent playing computer games while thinking about having to write this note). 4. Refrain from violating any of the intellectual property rights of any of our customers for all time. The only foolproof way to comply with this order would be to commit suicide(R), but that option is patented by RPI, so you will have to explore other solutions. Frontal lobotomy, perhaps? Failure to comply will result in more money for our firm, so we encourage you to simply ignore this notice. Sincerely, N. O. Humor Attorney at Law Kil and Profit LLUEC -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Sep 13 03:46:16 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1EEzsD-0001Mm-RF; Tue, 13 Sep 2005 03:46:13 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 13 Sep 2005 03:45:06 +0200 (CEST) Received: from onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.60]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1EEzqr-0001KO-Up for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 13 Sep 2005 03:44:50 +0200 Received: from dialup-4.245.1.2.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.245.1.2] helo=ldd.net) by onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #10) id 1EEzqm-00043R-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 12 Sep 2005 21:44:45 -0400 Message-ID: <43262604.7030102@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 12 Sep 2005 20:06:12 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Programmer Implements Linux As ActiveX Applet Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Programmer Implements Linux As ActiveX Applet September 12, 2005 RED DEER, ALBERTA -- In what could be the greatest programming achievement since the invention of curly braces, James Hacker has successfully shoehorned a bare-bones Linux distribution into an ActiveX applet running under Internet Explorer and Windows XP. The system, code-named NAPWOT (Not A Pointless Waste Of Time), includes the Linux kernel, critical system programs, assorted userspace applications, and even a hacked version of the X Window System to provide a GUI-within-a-GUI. Hacker was quick to point out that his creation is much more than just a toy curiosity. It can be used to smuggle Linux into the workplace without drawing the attention of Pointy Haired Bosses or Bastard MCSEs From Hell. "The only way to stop NAPWOT would be to ban ActiveX from the entire corporate network. And that, of course, would be a good thing in its own right." The best part, however, is that NAPWOT makes it possible to run Mozilla -- from within Internet Explorer. "You can now gain all of the advantages of Mozilla, but without violating your company's you-must-use-IE-or-else policy. After all, you _are_ using Internet Explorer! What your boss doesn't know won't hurt him." Like any good alpha geek, Hacker couldn't resist demonstrating his "piece d' resistance is futile": a PC running Linux running WINE running Internet Explorer running NAPWOT running Mozilla running a Java version of Emacs running a Solitaire program written in Lisp. "I can't wait to build a Beowulf cluster of these!" he exclaimed. "So many layers of abstraction, so little CPU time!" Hacker hopes that his bastard creation will encourage more people to try Linux from the comfort of their favorite insecure web browser. "All you have to do is type in my website address in IE, and Windows will do the rest automatically -- and without so much as a security alert. It couldn't be any easier to install Linux! Unless, of course, we could forcibly upgrade everybody to Linux using some kind of Outlook virus." Nevertheless, one naysayer emerged from the woodwork to say nay. "This is a bad idea for demonstrating Linux to end users. ActiveX is unstable and unreliable -- if NAPWOT crashes because of a flaw in Windows, Linux will get all of the blame. In short, Microsoft would be rewarded for its own shoddy programming. No, we need people to try real Linux distributions -- I'd recommend a worldwide saturation bombing of Knoppix CDs, but that's just my personal preference." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Sep 16 03:41:10 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1EG5Dv-0008GJ-Os; Fri, 16 Sep 2005 03:41:07 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 16 Sep 2005 03:39:54 +0200 (CEST) Received: from onempop-noble.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.74]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1EG5CW-0008Fd-Vs for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 16 Sep 2005 03:39:41 +0200 Received: from dialup-4.244.180.10.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.180.10] helo=ldd.net) by onempop-noble.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #10) id 1EG5CT-0007OY-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 15 Sep 2005 21:39:38 -0400 Message-ID: <432A19E4.4090608@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 20:03:32 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Greece Demands Reparations For Ancient Intellectual Property Violations Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Greece Demands Reparations For Ancient Intellectual Property Violations September 15, 2005 ATHENS, GREECE -- Calling it the "greatest copyright violation in the history of civilization," the government of Greece issued a statement today demanding that Italy provide reparations for all of the countless ideas that were stolen by the ancient Romans. "They took our gods and renamed them. They stole our stories and plays. They snatched our inventions and used them without compensation. It's been over two millenia and the people of Greece have never received so much as a 'Thank you' from the descendants of the pirate Romans. This injustice must end." While the concepts of copyrights, patents, derivative works, and bark letters do not seem to have existed during the height of Greek or Roman civilizations, this minor legal obstacle is not stopping outraged Greek lawyers from pursuing their claims. "Rome wasn't built in a day -- it took centuries of plundering Greek art, culture, mythology, politics, technology, and other valuable forms of intellecual property," ranted one lawyer. "And what, after all these years, does Greece have to show for it? 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding'." One lawyer has calculated, when adjusted for inflation, interest penalties, and currency conversions, that the total damages from Rome's piracy could easily surpass US$1,400,000,000,000,000,000. "As the successor-in-interest to the Roman Empire, the nation of Italy owes us big time," said a Greek official. But that's only the beginning. Greek lawyers also hope to collect royalties from other countries, such as the United States, for "pervasive use of stolen Greek architectural ideas." Boasted one lawyer, "If you own a building that violates our look-and-feel copyrights on the Parthenon and other Greek landmarks, then you'd better pony up at least US$50,000. And you don't even want to know the penalty for unauthorized use of Doric columns!" -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Wed Sep 21 02:18:14 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1EHsJM-0002qU-N1; Wed, 21 Sep 2005 02:18:08 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Wed, 21 Sep 2005 02:17:10 +0200 (CEST) Received: from onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.60]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1EHsIB-0002pn-Ln for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 21 Sep 2005 02:16:55 +0200 Received: from dialup-4.244.124.118.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.124.118] helo=ldd.net) by onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #10) id 1EHsI7-0005qn-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 20 Sep 2005 20:16:52 -0400 Message-ID: <43309D2C.2080407@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 18:37:16 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Building Evacuated After SCO Unix Discovered Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Building Evacuated After SCO Unix Discovered September 20, 2005 VINELAND, NEW JERSEY -- Entrepreneur Dee Dee Positt thought she had it made. Her small business was booming, profits were up, and a recent investment in a state senator had just paid huge dividends with the passage of a new law in her favor. That, however, was Thursday. On Friday, disaster struck. One of the IT guys accidentally discovered that the company's phone system, purchased second-hand a few months before, was running on a SCO Unix server. In other words, the business was sitting on a toxic waste dump. "We had no idea," the IT manager said. "It looked like a harmless rack-mounted server, the same as any other. We plugged it in, and it worked. But somehow we missed the little sticker on the bottom that mentioned something about UnixWare. Because of that oversight, we allowed an insidious disease to gain a foothold in our server room that could have decimated the financial health of our company." The desperate situation required desperate action. "I had no choice... I had to evacuate the building and shut down all operations," Positt said. "I didn't want a repeat of AutoZone or DaimlerChrysler. If even one byte of code from the SCO machine had spread to another machine, we could have been sued for billions by SCO's out-of-control legal department. The risk was simply too great." After the building was cleared, a team of decontamination experts -- copyright lawyers -- moved in to secure the scene. For three days, they went to work, checking for any sign that SCO's precious intellectual property had leaked. After no signs of additional infection were found, the hard drive of the SCO machine was wiped three times, and then the whole machine was incinerated. The whole process was captured on video to prevent SCO's lawyers from finding any pretense to sue (maybe). Next, every computer, server, router, calculator, copy machine, microwave oven, and coffee maker was carefully audited to ensure that no SCO or SCO-ish software was installed. A detailed procedure was developed for auditing every future purchase to prevent a repeat disaster. Finally, once the toxic waste cleanup crew gave the OK -- and presented their US$10,000/hour legal bill -- the evacuation and quarantine were finally lifted. "We thought we could save money by buying used equipment to run our phone system," Positt said. "We didn't know that our bargain purchase was going to include an unwanted parasite. Eliminating this infection cost us over US$225,000, but it prevented a much larger outbreak. The last thing we needed was a dollar-intensive lawsuit in which SCO accused us of stealing their code and somehow killing thousands of children." The lesson is clear. Just as people with food allergies must carefully check the ingredient labels on groceries, any company that's allergic to lawsuits (i.e. all of them) should carefully check everything they purchase for potential lawsuit traps. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/