From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Aug 05 01:33:37 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1E0pDP-0000fo-V2; Fri, 05 Aug 2005 01:33:32 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 05 Aug 2005 01:32:02 +0200 (CEST) Received: from onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.60]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1E0W6t-0002Tg-8S for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 04 Aug 2005 05:09:31 +0200 Received: from dialup-4.244.159.229.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.159.229] helo=thecaperock.com) by onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #10) id 1E0W6o-0004AF-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 03 Aug 2005 23:09:27 -0400 Message-ID: <42F16670.5030406@thecaperock.com> Date: Wed, 03 Aug 2005 19:50:56 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Study: Linux Exposure Causes Insanity Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.0 required=5.0 tests=BAYES_50 autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@thecaperock.com Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Study: Linux Exposure Causes Insanity August 3, 2005 "Linux is unsafe at any refresh rate." That's the summary of the latest report from the prestigious Blartner Group, this time warning that prolonged exposure to Linux and other Open Source projects can cause "severe, irreversible mental illness." Take, for instance, The SCO Group. What started as Caldera, an innocuous Linux distributor, quickly turned into TSG, an obviously insane institution suffering from paranoid delusions of copyright infringements. "Linux caused Caldera's upper management to jump off the deep end," said the report's author, Bill Blartner. "If it can happen to them, it can happen to you." In the report, Blartner coined yet another acronym, PLAGUE (Prolonged Linux Activity Generating Unstable Emotions) to describe the effects of Linux contamination. "This PLAGUE can spread to even the most stable and reputable organizations, such as a legal firm," he argued. "We can only find one plausible explanation for why high-powered lawyers would agree to pursue the SCO non-case, and that's sudden insanity brought about by exposure to Linux. It's just that simple." The report also describes how the PLAGUE can cause "ordinary business school graduates" to believe in the fairy tale that they can make money by developing and giving away software for free. This bizarre attitude, according to Blartner, "is only one small step away from full-blown anti-American Communist psychotic propaganda." Blartner has been unable to pinpoint the origin of the PLAGUE, although he suspects that the GNU Project is primarily responsible for spreading it. "Richard M. Stallman has a lot of explaining to do. This epidemic is rapidly spreading through the tech industry and will require serious government regulation to stop." While most members of the Linux community ignore the Blartner Group with a passion, some Linux longhairs did take time to express outrage at the organization's latest anti-Linux assault. "Let's face it, the only insane people are the pointy-haired bosses that swallow everything Blartner produces even though every report has turned out 100% wrong," said one. "At least a stopped clock is right twice a day; Blartner can't even match that!" -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sat Aug 13 15:36:16 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1E3wBH-0000ML-6i; Sat, 13 Aug 2005 15:36:11 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sat, 13 Aug 2005 15:34:43 +0200 (CEST) Received: from onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.60]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1E3mOz-0007Bt-Px for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sat, 13 Aug 2005 05:09:41 +0200 Received: from dialup-4.244.123.145.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.123.145] helo=thecaperock.com) by onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #10) id 1E3mOu-0001TA-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 12 Aug 2005 23:09:37 -0400 Message-ID: <42FD5D8C.2000303@thecaperock.com> Date: Fri, 12 Aug 2005 21:40:12 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Google Unveils Filter System For Websites Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.0 required=5.0 tests=AS_SEEN_ON,AWL,BAYES_50 autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@thecaperock.com Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Google Unveils Filter System For Websites August 12, 2005 Ninety percent of everything is crud. -- Sturgeon's Law Sturgeon was clueless. The real number is closer to 100%. -- Anonymous Google employee SILLYCON VALLEY -- With Yahoo rapidly expanding the size of its search engine database, Google has decided to take a different approach: shrinking the size of its universe by removing the crud that no sane person (marketing weasels excluded) ever wants to look at. "Our name might be Google, but there's no reason to maintain a database with over a googol different scams, schemes, and various others species of shit," said a Google spokesperson. "Those yodeling idiots can have their billions of pages of penis-enlarging, mortgage-shrinking insanity." Google has quietly launched a filter system, dubbed SturgeonAssassin, to eliminate cruddy websites from its database. Of course, the system remains in Alpha testing and can only be accessed through the undocumented "nocrud:" operator. The idea is quite simple. Users can enable and disable different filters based on their personal preference, and SturgeonAssassin will adjust the page ranking of each site accordingly. The form looks something like this: --- Filter sites that have the following properties: [X] Domain has more than two hyphens (such as fast-paced-casino-poker-action.com) [X] Contains a BLINK tag [X] Has a "Best viewed with Internet Explorer" disclaimer [X] Tries to set a third-party cookie from a shady advertising bureau [X] Tries to set a cookie, period [X] Repeatedly misuses the words "they're" and "their" or "its" and "it's" [X] Has a "last updated" notice containing a date before 1997 [X] Includes, or links to, some kind of "mission statement" [X] Has a high buzzword concentration (at least 1 buzzword per 25 words of text) [X] Features "tips" about search engine optimization [X] HTML title includes a phrase like "Title Goes Here" or "Adobe GoLive 4.0" [X] Code has unnecessary FONT tags [ ] Code has unnecessary TABLE tags [X] Webmaster obviously doesn't have a clue about the ALT attribute in image tags [X] Links to a copyright or legal notice that contains more copy than the rest of the site combined [X] Legal notice prohibits "linking" to the site [X] URL ends with .htm [X] Features images in .bmp format -- or worse, embedded in Word documents [X] Launches pop-up ads using Flash applets designed specifically to bypass Firefox's pop-up blocker [X] Launches pop-up ads, period [X] Requires, or simply hints about requiring, user registration [X] Page contains "tag soup" obviously produced by a Microsoft product [X] Includes the phrase "As Seen On TV!" [X] Features text-based ads from an advertising network other than Google [ ] Publishes fake news or sarcasm directed at Google's attempts at world domination [X] Whois record contains obviously bogus contact info, such as "123 Fake Street" [X] Attempts to disable the right-click context menu, hide the back button, or perform other nefarious tricks [X] Warns that the site is best viewed at a weird resolution, such as "320x240" or "4096x3192" [X] Has a serious lack of proper punctuation with run on sentences that continue on and on the webmaster is obviously some kind have clueless product of the american education system either or learned english by reading nothing but slashdot comments grammar is important [X] Every link points to a domain that was registered within the last 3 hours [X] Contains a high concentration of dollar signs (Perl programming sites excluded) --- "This is the next logical step in the arms race against blighted websites," explained a random Google Ph.D. "Moreover, the planned Beta version of the filter (due in 2010) will push the envelope by automatically assuming that all websites are crap until proven otherwise. This approach will more closely match the perception of average Internet users. Less is more -- and we're not talking about command-line pipe buffering commands." Yahoo has quickly downplayed Google's latest innovation. "Those eggheads are out of touch with cold reality. Most people secretly enjoy crap. How do you think Hollywood has managed to make so much money over the years? It's not because of their creative or artistic triumphs! Crap is king, and that's why Yahoo hopes to expand our index to include everything, ranging from the best of the best (the Yahoo homepage) to the absolute worst (Aunt Bertha's Day-By-Day Timeline Of Her Dead Cat Princess III). More is more!" The staff of Humorix is also eyeing the new filter with suspicion. "We poke fun at Google, we have dubious HTML coding standards, and our grammar and spelling leafs much bee two desired. If this becomes a standard feature of Google, we're screwed!" -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Mon Aug 15 04:17:20 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1E4UXM-00065w-Qa; Mon, 15 Aug 2005 04:17:16 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Mon, 15 Aug 2005 04:15:40 +0200 (CEST) Received: from onempop-noble.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.74]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1E4UQs-0005p7-Un for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 15 Aug 2005 04:10:35 +0200 Received: from dialup-4.244.123.95.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.123.95] helo=thecaperock.com) by onempop-noble.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #10) id 1E4UQn-0003ze-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 14 Aug 2005 22:10:30 -0400 Message-ID: <42FFE72E.6070805@thecaperock.com> Date: Sun, 14 Aug 2005 19:51:58 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Aliens Patented Our Universe! Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.0 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_50 autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@thecaperock.com Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Aliens Patented Our Universe! by Justin Morgan, feedback [at] corfizz [at] com August 14, 2005 Scientists have long been searching for a theory that will solve one of the biggest embarrassments of modern physics. Now a group of researchers have developed such a radical theory involving the holy wars between computer operating systems. The problem is that big things, like stars, planets and galaxies (collectively the 'macroworld'), are governed by Einstein's theories of relativity, which revolutionized physics a century ago. The embarrassments started coming soon after with the development of quantum theory: it turns out that small things, like atoms and their constituents (collectively the 'microworld'), are ruled by a completely different set of physics, one that conflicts horrifically with relativity. Both have been experimentally confimed, so both are valid. But why does the universe have two sets of physical laws, one for small stuff and one for large stuff? It's like having two car engines and using one for short journeys, and then swapping the engine over for a long journey. It's like being able to do a backwards somersault in New Jersey and being completely acrobatically disabled the moment you step into New York. What if you somersaulted from New Jersey to New York? Physicists are sick of putting up with problems like this. Well now there's an explanation. Through some particularly devious variation on the holography theory, the universe is running on two servers. "It's elegantly simple," said one scientist at the University of Michigan. "All this messing about with superstrings and loop quantum gravity is a waste." You see, relativity has always been regarded as a simple, smooth, elegant theory in which everything makes sense. It radically alters your perception of the universe, but it does so with style. It handles big things with astonishing ease, in an interface that can be understood at any level you want, and with equations that can be solved to produce exciting, wide-ranging results. It was clear from the very beginning that the macroworld was made on a Mac. In contrast, quantum mechanics is a wild, unpredictable sea of mind-bending weirdness. It's based on pure randomness: things just pop in and out of existence almost at whim, and we end up with hundreds of different types of particle each with different properties, and the whole thing gets so confusing that documenting them in one over-arching 'registry' just slows the whole thing down and ends up fragmenting the universe into a mess. And it's not pretty, either. The underlying mathematics are well hidden, and it's so complicated that people start wishing it was hidden even better. The quantum world seems to make no sense, and physicists have to admit that. "That's why we also have to admit that the microworld runs on a Windows platform," said the researcher. So there's your answer. The universe works the way it does because it has two servers: part of it runs on a Mac, and part of it runs Windows. "What makes sense here is that the Mac(ro) world is huge, and the Windows world is tiny: in the real world that's not quite true. But that's a minor detail. What we have here is a very simple explanation of the universe." But it requires one more leap of faith. The question the scientists were facing was: 'Who installed these servers?' Some Christian groups have already taken it upon themselves to proclaim this as the ultimate proof for the existence of God, but researchers have a more scientific explanation. The universe, they claim, was created by pointy-haired aliens in a laboratory, and they were the ones that chose the two platforms. And yet, why mess around with two platforms in the first place? That's the dilemma. Would a business have a Windows mail server and a Macintosh web server? Do you use a Windows laptop when you're on vacation in Hawaii but take a Powerbook when you go to Canada? Would you store half of your blog entries on a Mac server and half on a Windows server? Of course not... you put them all on Linux! And there's the answer they've been searching for: the universe shouldn't be run partly on a Mac and partly on Windows -- how ugly is that? It should all be run on a Linux, or perhaps BSD, server. And that's the answer to the grand question of everything. The way to unify physics is to migrate the universe over to Linux. But if aliens could create universes that run Linux, why didn't they do it, and, more to the point, why can't we SSH into them? Well, scientists say that after the aliens created this hybrid-server universe of ours, they put a patent on it, making it too costly for others to create competing universes. Probably scared of destroying their creation, they could not even consider putting their universe on Linux, and this, physicists say, is going to make the migration process, and hence the development of the theory of everything, a much more difficult task. "Negotiating patents is much more taxing than supersymmetric membrane theory any day," said a physicist at Yale University. So will physics turn into another lawyer-oriented practice? Probably. "Since physics is just applied mathematics," said a researcher of operating system theory at Yale, "and chemistry is just applied physics, and biology is just applied chemistry, I can envisage that the whole of scientific research, mathematics and technology will quickly become just one big subdomain of Law." So what's left? Since the creative arts have already been tied to the confines of Law, it seems that all we have remaining is history, physical geography, sports, religious studies and sociology. I'll give them a few weeks. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Aug 21 22:14:15 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1E6wCp-0000is-VN; Sun, 21 Aug 2005 22:14:12 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sun, 21 Aug 2005 22:13:01 +0200 (CEST) Received: from onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.60]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1E6wB9-0000hh-HP for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 21 Aug 2005 22:12:27 +0200 Received: from dialup-4.244.124.54.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.124.54] helo=ldd.net) by onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #10) id 1E6wB4-000338-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 21 Aug 2005 16:12:23 -0400 Message-ID: <4308D901.2030307@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 21 Aug 2005 14:41:53 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] And Now A Word From Our Lawyers Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix And Now A Word From Our Lawyers August 21, 2005 In light of recent developments, the Humorix Legal Department decided that we should publish the following disclaimers and notices to avoid any potential lawsuits or fiaSCOs. [NOTE: The use of non-standard capitalization within the word "fiaSCOs" should not be construed as a disparaging or libelous reference to The SCO Group(R), its subsidiaries, employees, or shareholders.] The following statements were drafted by Mr. Noah Morals, Humorix's Chief Litiguous Bastard, and his assistant bastards, Mr. M. T. Scruples and Ms. Sully Sittor, of the Lowe, Morals, and Scruples Law Firm, LLCts, (Limited Liability Corporation tax shelter). WARNING: This document contains abnormally high concentrations of advanced legal verbiage, complex grammatical structures, and non-sensical meta-humor references, which may lead to severe headaches, elevated blood pressure levels, and excessive head scratching that could produce premature hair loss. The staff of Humorix, its shareholders (if any), and its various hangers-on disclaim all responsibility for adverse mental or physical health effects that could result from reading, browsing, or grokking(tm) the following material [NOTE: "Grokking" is probably not a trademark, but Humorix and its legal department refuse to take any chances.] NOTICE: While the title of this story includes the word "word" in singular form, that is merely a figure of speech. Let it be known that this document actually contains 1,373 words (more or less). Estimated reading time: 26 minutes. Estimated time spent kicking yourself for wasting 26 minutes of your life: 27 minutes. * TRADEMARK ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS 1. Linux(R) is a registered trademark of Linus Torvalds. 2. Olympics(R), games(R), Greek(R), Athens(R), 2012(R), overcommercialized hypefest(R), and London(R) are all registered trademarks of the International Olympic Committee(R) within the entire reach of the observable Universe, excluding North Korea, and any unauthorized publication of these marks shall result in a complimentary visit by The Salmonella Brothers(tm), the Unofficial Organized Crime Syndicate of the Olympic Movement(R). 3. UnixWare(R) is a registered trademark of The SCO Group(R) until such time that the company declares bankruptcy and is devoured alive by its creditors, an event that has a 99% probability of occuring within the next twelve (12) months. [NOTE: The aforementioned prognostication shall not be used as the basis for financial decisions, such as deciding to short SCOX or SCOXE stock. Hint, hint. [NOTE: This is not a hint.]] 4. Google News Beta(tm), Google News Release Candidate 1(tm), Google Search Engine Alpha(tm), Google Do No Evil Propaganda Platform(tm), Google Cold Fusion Reactor(tm), and Google World Domination Strategy(tm) are all trademarks of Google, Inc. 5. PHP(R), Apache(R), MySQL(R), Perl(R), fortune(R), ls(tm), /dev/null(R), shutdown -r now(tm), vi(R), emacs(R), yes(tm), /etc/passwd(tm), printf(R), segmentation fault(sm), symlink(R), kernel panic(R), Hello world!(tm), First post!(R), and for(;;)(R) are all trademarks of their respective holders. 6. The use of semantically significant whitespace in Python(R) programs might be protected by intellectual property laws in five (5) countries, at least according to an old post on Google Groups Beta(tm) that may or may not have been satirical in nature. 6a. (NOTE: The vague and/or ambiguous nature of the preceding paragraph should not be used as a basis for judging the competence, or lack thereof, of Mr. Noah Morals and his aforementioned staff. (NOTE: The preceding meta-joke was not intended to be humorous and anybody who fails to perceive the seriousness of this prose should seek legal counsel immediately. (NOTE: Mr. Noah Morals is not accepting new clients at this time. (NOTE: If Mr. Noah Morals was accepting new clients, this document should not be construed as an unpaid advertisement for his affordable, quality, award-winning services. (WARNING: The following collection of closing parenthesis may cause disorientation in non-Lisp(R) programmers.))))) 7. The use of semantically significant parenthesis in Lisp(R) programs is NOT protected by intellectual property laws because even the most advanced lawyers have been unable to successfully understand Lisp and refuse to touch it with a ten-foot pole(tm). [NOTE: "Refuse to touch it with a ten-foot pole" is a trademarked expression of the Republican Party.] * WAIVERS OF LIABILITY 8. The content of this website is provided "as is" without warranty of any kind, including, but not limited to, the IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY and FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. So there. 9. In the unlikely event that the content published on Humorix results in feelings of laughter, mirth, euphoria, hilarity, and/or giddiness, we disclaim all responsibility for any harmful effects that may occur, including, but not limited to, the following: (a) Damage to vocal chords from uncontrollable laughing (b) Overflows of the tear ducts (c) Bodily injury from rolling on the floor laughing (d) Damage resulting from pounding fists or other body parts during jovial outburst(s) (e) Violations of local noise ordinances from extreme laughmaking 10. In the much more likely event that the content published on Humorix does NOT result in laughter, we disclaim all responsibility for any negative effects that may occur, including, but not limited to: (a) Regret at wasting precious seconds of your life reading this drivel (b) Profound outrage at the offensive material possibly contained herein (c) Sadness at the complete and senseless waste of perfectly good electrons that were squandered while producing this site (d) Feelings of confusion and hopelessness in trying to understand this crap 11. The content of this site may contain grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, split infinitives, double negatives, dangling participles (whatever those are), unnecessary parenthetical constructions, inexplicable typos, and various other forms of improper language usage that may cause adverse effects in certain English language parsing systems (i.e. the human brain). The subclass of people commonly known as "Grammar Nazis" should proceed with the utmost caution. * JOURNALISTIC STANDARDS 12. The content of Humorix is intended, but not guaranteed, to be based in whole or in part upon fabrications, lies, falsifications, untruths, half-truths, quarter-truths, exaggerations, fictions, imitations, and various other forms of make-believe. 13. In the event that an unwanted element of truth, veracity, reality, fidelity, accuracy and/or integrity is spotted within a story erroneously labeled as "Fake News", please hesitate to register a complaint with the Humorix Ombudsman at: devnull [at] humorix [dot] org or by postal mail at: Humorix Ombudsman 123 Fake Street Springfield, Whatever State Springfield Is In, 99999 13a. If the Ombudsman determines after an extensive review that a violation of journalistic fake news standards has occured, a full refund for this free website will be provided within thirty (30) days. [NOTE: The definition of "extensive review" may vary from day to day based on the blood alcohol content of the Ombudsman] 13b. The staff of Humorix is already aware that our Open Source Beer story [1] has become true [2], and we apologize profusely for the confusion and inconvenience that has been caused by this inadvertant intersection of reality and non-reality. Moreover, Humorix shall not be held responsible for the consequences of producing Open Source Beer, such as alcohol tax violations, lawsuits arising from PWI (Programming While Intoxicated), or waking up with a strange woman in the morning while suffering a bad hangover. * PRIVACY POLICY 14. We value privacy -- ours. * EDITORIAL POSITION 15. Contrary to the implied message of some of our content, Humorix does not possess, nor pretend to possess, any evidence documenting a link between Microsoft and the entity known as the Devil (d/b/a Satan, El Diablo, The Dark Lord, or Darl McBride) [NOTE: Contrary to the previous sentence, we do not possess any evidence suggesting a link between The SCO Group(R), or any of its employees, to the Devil. [NOTE: The aforementioned evidence could still be uncovered as part of a future discovery process fishing expedition.]] 16. Humorix and its affiliates have not been involved, either directly or indirectly, with the presumed deaths of John F. Kennedy, Elvis Presley, Julius Caesar, or common sense. 17. Despite rumors, no Humorix staff members have ever donned a tinfoil hat for the purposes of deflecting government mind-control rays or engaging in other conspiracy-related objectives. 17a. We do, however, maintain a Faraday Cage surrounding Humorix World Headquarters. 18. In the text editor wars between vi and Emacs, Humorix has firmly endorsed a winner: NEdit. And for KDE vs. GNOME: AfterStep. 19. Humorix, for one, welcomes our new Google(R) search engine/kitchen sink web portal overlords, and we will gladly toil away in the bowels of their search engine catacombs for the opportunity to earn some AdSense(R) scratch. [1] http://humorix.org/articles/1998/08/beer/ [2] http://www.voresoel.dk/main.php?id=70 -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/