From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Wed Jul 06 02:08:27 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1DpxSg-0005Gg-Cg; Wed, 06 Jul 2005 02:08:22 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Wed, 06 Jul 2005 02:06:56 +0200 (CEST) Received: from onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.60]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1DpxQr-0005Dh-9m for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 06 Jul 2005 02:06:29 +0200 Received: from dialup-4.244.177.236.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.177.236] helo=ldd.net) by onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #10) id 1DpxQg-0003Kr-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 05 Jul 2005 20:06:21 -0400 Message-ID: <42CB1906.3040804@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 05 Jul 2005 18:34:30 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] There Is *NO* Neo-Con Conspiracy Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix There Is *NO* Neo-Con Conspiracy July 5, 2005 By Michele Petrovsky, petrovsky.m@comcast.net There is no conspiracy. The Neo-Conservative Wing of the Republican Party, the Brainwashing Wing of the FOX Network, and the Evil Wing of Microsoft [1] have not formed an alliance to achieve world domination. There is no dark, sinister plot by our media overlords to brainwash the American public. These rumors are simply not true. Well, actually, they might be. We have, indeed, received evidence of a massive GOP-FOX-MSFT trifecta. But we don't want our media overlords to read the rest of this story. Thankfully, the average Neo-Con only skims headlines and soundbites, while ignoring anything of substance. With our bogus headline and introduction, the coast should now be clear to reveal Microsoft Conspiracy Theory 2.59e17, the most diabolic conspiracy theory in the history of diabolical conspiracy theories. An anonymous source, code-named Deep Cache (not his real code name), arranged a clandestine meeting with this reporter at a location known only as "The Android's Dungeon" (not its real code name). While sucking on a cigarette and hiding in the shadows, Deep Cache revealed the conspiracy. "Neo-Conservatives and Microsoft have united to pursue their ghastly agenda," he said. "It's a perfect match. With some help from the media, the group has found the perfect recipe for world domination." I was very skeptical at first. After all, Microsoft conspiracy theories are a dime a dozen. Humorix has used them as filler material for almost 7 years. What I needed was proof. After seeing my negative reaction, Deep Cache thrashed wildly and shouted, "Do I have to thunk it for you? It's as plain as the tracks on your drive, dudette. Microsoft has always wanted to control the world. The Neo-Cons have always wanted to really, really control the world. They share the same agenda! Can't you see? The era of Plug-and-Play Politics is upon us! They must be stopped! Do you want this country to end up as the world's biggest buffer overflow?" "Uh... no," I said, hoping to avoid another thrashing episode. "Come on, now -- don't tell me you can't see the parallels in their processes. It's so obvious! Do I have to draw you a picture? OK, fine, I will!" At this point Deep Cache made a sketch showing the similarities between Microsoft and the Neo-Conservative Movement. It looked something like this: Microserfs: Products require limitless resources to do a mediocre job Neo-Cons: Policies require limitless tax revenues to do a mediocre job Microserfs: Like to belittle thinking people who prefer Open Source Neo-Cons: Like to belittle thinking people, period Microserfs: Constantly scheming to cut off the air supply of competitors Neo-Cons: Constantly scheming to cut off the oil supply of enemies Microserfs: Largest producer of hot air in the Pacific Northwest Neo-Cons: Largest producer of hot air in the world Microserfs: Vaporware Neo-Cons: Campaign promises Microserfs: Offer $1,000 per disc software packages Neo-Cons: Offer $1,000 per plate campaign dinners Microserfs: Steve Ballmer Neo-Cons: Rush Limbaugh Microserfs: Always receive little more than a slap on the wrist for anti-trust violations Neo-Cons: Always receive little more than a slap on the wrist for campaign finance violations Microserfs: Bloated software includes everything but the kitchen sink Neo-Cons: Bloated legislation includes everything but the Bill of Rights Microserfs: The 800-lb gorilla of Washington State Neo-Cons: The 800-lb gorilla of Washington, D.C. Microserfs: Believe Sys-Con is fair and balanced Neo-Cons: Believe FOX News is fair and balanced Microserfs: Believe that their platform is the only reasonable choice Neo-Cons: Believe that their platform is the only reasonable choice After Deep Cache finished his demonstration, I asked, "Well, what can be done?" He then made another sketch, which he called "the first salvo in a revolution that will rid the world of pundit-speak." It was a crontab entry, like this: 30 19 * * 5 /usr/bin/reframe_the_debate.php I then asked Deep Cache whether it was wise to inform the enemy that something intelligent, and therefore threatening to them, would happen at 7:30 PM of every Friday of every month. He responded, "Not a problem! They're so sure of their hegemony, they'll dismiss it as just another instance of 'socialist esoterica.' Either that, or they'll assume it's an unflattering report that's being kept under the radar by releasing it after everyone's gone home for the weekend. I call it the Purloined Letter approach to information covert operations." So what does reframe_the_debate.php actually do? Deep Cache evaded the question, but he finally spilled the beans after I offered a bribe including a lifetime supply of "Star Trek" books. The answer, it turns out, is rather ingenious. The script hijacks the "crawl" on the FOX News Channel to deliver subtle but subversive comments to all Neo-Con viewers. "We're pretty confident that the FOX network uses Microsoft products. We're very confident that these Microsoft product include numerous security vulnerabilities, which our script exploits to take control of the ticker on the bottom of the screen. Then, each week, we insert random subliminal messages about freedom, democracy, and penguins. Neo-Cons watch FNC religiously and will happily consume these subversive messages without realizing that they are slowly undergoing a de-re-education program." Among other subversive themes, the messages include excerpts from the U.S. Constitution, including "Congress shall make no law..." (1st Amendment) and "The right of the people... shall not be violated" (4th Amendment). Deep Cache concluded, "Most Neo-Cons have never read the full text of the Constitution, instead relying on 15-second summaries and soundbites. By dominating the FOX crawl, we will quietly deliver the Bill of Rights into the homes of millions, one bite-sized phrase at a time. This will do more for the future of intelligent debate in this country than turning Rush Limbaugh, Tucker Carlson, Ann Coulter, and Robert Novak over to the Vogons." A loud "Bwahahahahaha!" was heard as Deep Cache finally slipped away into the underground. [1] Editor's Note: When we say "Evil Wing of Microsoft", we are, of course, referring to the whole company. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Jul 08 04:16:20 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1DqiPZ-0005hJ-KX; Fri, 08 Jul 2005 04:16:17 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 08 Jul 2005 04:14:42 +0200 (CEST) Received: from onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net ([207.69.195.60]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1DqiM4-0005bA-Vu for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 08 Jul 2005 04:12:41 +0200 Received: from dialup-4.244.123.51.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.123.51] helo=ldd.net) by onempop-canada.atl.sa.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #10) id 1DqiM1-0006qf-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 07 Jul 2005 22:12:37 -0400 Message-ID: <42CDC9A2.7010305@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2005 19:32:34 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Google Announces Search Engine Entering Beta Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Google Announces Search Engine Entering Beta July 7, 2005 SILLYCON VALLEY -- During a press conference at Google Auditorium #5 (the one next to the climbing wall gym), the management of Google made an unexpected announcement that will shake the Internet to its core routers: the Google search engine has finally emerged from Alpha testing and is now considered a Beta product. "After extensive testing over the last decade, we are pleased to announce that Google Search has earned the rank of Beta and will enter its final Q&A phases, expected to last until 2012," boasted Mr. Dewno Eville, Google's Director of Public Relations. The crowd sat motionless for several awkward seconds until somebody timidly asked, "Does this mean the world's most popular search engine has been merely an Alpha product all this time?" "Yes... yes it has," Eville responded matter-of-factly. "This is a joke, right?" asked a reporter. "No." "You're absolutely positive about this?" asked another reporter. "Yes." "Really?" "Yes, really." "Really with a cherry on top?" "Yes, dammit, really!" "There's got to be a typo in your announcement. Are you sure?" "Yes, do I need to break out my trusty cluestick and beat you all over the head? Repeat after me: BETA BETA BETA BETA BETA BETA!!!" Everybody in the audience was too stunned to repeat after him. After several more seconds of head scratching and picking jaws off the floor by the audience, another reporter demanded, "So let me get this straight. For the last decade, Google has been running a scam designed to fool people into relying on a service that was not considered ready for prime-time by its own developers and contains countless bugs and problems. Right?" "Uh... I fail to see the problem. After all, the same strategy has worked beautifully for Microsoft. I mean... who in their right mind would ever rate Windows as Beta, much less Production, quality?" After some tentative laughter from the crowd, Eville quickly jumped into the rest of his announcement. "As part of the promotion to Beta status, we are pleased to reveal several new features for Google Search. As you've no doubt noticed, the existing search engine has been rather Spartan -- what you would expect from an Alpha product that is not fully finished. Well, that's about to change." Eville whipped out a laser pointer and started pointing at a large screen behind him. "This is a screenshot of Google Beta, to be released to the public later today. One, you'll notice all of the new links on the homepage: Travel Deals, Online Casinos, Mortgage Refinancing, Discount Cigarettes, Canadian Prescription Drugs, etc. We're striving to provide convenient links to the information that most users want, all in the name of enhancing their Google experience." "More importantly, we're going to slowly minimize the importance of our PageRank(tm) ranking system, which has not performed to our expectations during the Alpha period. Instead, the Beta version now features PayRank(tm), which ranks sites based on the number of shares of Google stock that the webmaster owns." "But that's not all," he continued. "Our search engine can now crawl more than just web pages, it can spider spam emails received by our Gmail users. Now, if you're looking to reduce your mortgage payments or enlarge certain body parts, Google search will take you straight to the best deals plucked from the latest spam. Our patent-pending system is able to seemlessly convert the gibberish used by most spammers into plain English, all in the name of enhanching your Google experience." "And last but not least, Google is now unveiling it's latest achievement: a computer system containing over one googol bytes of information about every user who has ever visited Google. We know their names, their addresses, their shoe size, the day of the week they prefer to go appliance shopping, their sexual fetishes, their most common spelling errors, and many other data mining opportunities that we can't reveal here." "Did you honestly think our employees were devoting a portion of their time for extra-curricular projects? Yeah, right! They've been hard at work on our "Google Online Database" (GOD) system. Armed with this exhaustive storehouse of knowledge, we can deliver relevant search results before you even sit down at the keyboard! We know all, see all... but we're only going to use our search domination powers for good, not evil." Eville tried to bring the press conference to a close, but the shocked and appalled members of the audience couldn't summon the strength to leave. Finally, he announced, "I've just been told that there's free snacks for everybody in the Google Gourmet Kitchen & Imported Wine Cellar #2." He continued, "Oh, wait, let me explain how to get there. First, go down this hall, turn left at the Stock Options Printing Office, make a right at the World's Largest Vending Machine Complex, then continue counter-clockwise around the Indoor Zen Meditation Garden and through the Martial Arts Training Room #3. Then at the T-junction, turn right, and proceed 125.239 meters until you reach the Gourmet Kitchen. You can't miss it... If you have any trouble, go to a computer console on the nearest wall and type 'Gourmet Kitchen 2' into a Google Meatspace search box." After the shock of the announcement wore off, many reporters expressed outrage at Google while trying to find their way to the free lunch. Said one tech journalist after making a wrong turn and getting lost in the Situational Narcissism Contemplation Chamber, "Google didn't just jump the shark today... they jumped three cruise ships and a small island!" Said another reporter after finally reaching the destination 35 minutes later, "Between Google Search, Google Mail, Google Maps, and Google News, I've become far more dependent on Google than I ever was with Microsoft. And that's downright scary." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/