From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Mar 06 00:15:42 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1D7iUl-00075X-AA; Sun, 06 Mar 2005 00:15:39 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sun, 06 Mar 2005 00:14:27 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.182]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1D7iTN-00074d-5a for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 06 Mar 2005 00:14:13 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.177.19.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.177.19] helo=ldd.net) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1D7iTH-00005K-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sat, 05 Mar 2005 15:14:09 -0800 Message-ID: <422A36EC.5040907@ldd.net> Date: Sat, 05 Mar 2005 16:47:08 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Make Money Fast On The Lawsuit Futures Market Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: * X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, score=1.3 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_99,DRUGS_PAIN, RCVD_IN_SORBS_WEB autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Make Money Fast On The Lawsuit Futures Market March 5, 2005 CHICAGO -- It's long been said that SCO is nothing more than a "publicly traded lawsuit." Thanks to the new Chicago Board of Lawsuit Trade, that isn't so far from the truth. Now investors and traders will be able to buy and sell shares in ongoing lawsuits, hoping for a massive payday. "People have been investing in pork-belly futures for decades," said the co-founder of the CBOLT. "So why not litigation? There's a lot more money to be made from class-action lawsuits than from livestock." Just one week into operations, shares of lawsuits in the Asbestos sector have risen 54%, while shares of Hot Coffee Spills have dropped 5% in response to the new Federal law limiting class-action lawsuits. The Software Patents sector briefly jumped 500% after word spread that Europe was ready to roll over and play dead for its American masters. "This is much more fun than buying stock. After all, companies don't earn money, lawsuits do," explained one day trader as he placed a buy order for Vioxx Lawsuit #4921. "I can't believe somebody hasn't tried this sooner." The founder of the Board of Lawsuit Trade, Mr. Rock E. Feller, explained how the process works. "When a lawsuit is launched, the plaintiff or defendant can register with us to hold an Initial Public Offering. The money raised from investors is then given to the company to cover their legal fees, in exchange for a portion of the future settlement or judgement. This makes it possible for investors to bypass the middle-men (CEOs, board of directors, employees, etc.) and go straight to the most important part of any modern business: the legal department." Feller added, "This is all about the American Way. You don't have to be a Fortune 500 company, or even a Fortune 500,000 company, to have your lawsuit made available to investors on our exchange. Now even the smallest litigant can raise money for their legal crusade and fight for truth, justice, and the large payoff at the end that they deserve." Even though the new exchange is still in its infancy, lawyers across the country are jumping for joy. "Publicly traded lawsuits will be the biggest revolution to hit the justice system since the invention of the subpoena," said attorney Travis T. Macher. "It will open the halls of justice to the masses." Some observers, however, are worried that the new system could cause a tidal wave of new lawsuits that will clog the court system and take 500 years to reach a conclusion. "Buying shares in a lawsuit won't do you any good if a judgement isn't rendered until 2423," said an analyst with the Blartner Group. "If you think cases are slow now, just wait until it takes a whole forest to print out a court docket." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Mon Mar 07 04:55:39 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1D89LE-0000Oa-LJ; Mon, 07 Mar 2005 04:55:36 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Mon, 07 Mar 2005 04:54:26 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.182]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1D89Jn-0000NU-Bf for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 07 Mar 2005 04:54:07 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.159.63.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.159.63] helo=ldd.net) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1D89Ji-0002es-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 06 Mar 2005 19:54:03 -0800 Message-ID: <422BC97C.4060603@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 06 Mar 2005 21:24:44 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Total Destruction Of Earth Blamed On Spammers Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: ** X-Spam-Status: No, score=2.2 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_99, RCVD_IN_SORBS_WEB,URG_BIZ autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Total Destruction Of Earth Blamed On Spammers March 6, 2005 OUTER SPACE -- The [Unpronounceables], a race of super-intelligent aliens from the other end of the galaxy, has announced the total destruction of our solar system in order to make room for an interstellar prison. The decision was reached after scouting reports indicated that the Sol system only consists of lower lifeforms not protected by intergalactic law. "After monitoring the primitive electromagnetic signals from the third planet, we quickly concluded that they can be safely exterminated," explained [Unpronounceable], the Chairthing of the Committee for Galactic Environmental Protection. "Their race is extremely volatile and shallow, constantly worrying about the size of their body parts and finding ways to make money fast." In a report obtained by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), the [Unpronounceables] give a detailed account of what they learned about Earth. Some excerpts: We had just arrived at Sol III. Even before we could establish a standard orbit, our scout ship's computer system started to get bombarded by unsolicited messages from the planet's communication network. It was hideous. Much of the material appeared to be gibberish, but our translation team finally deciphered some of the messages, only to be horrified by advertisements for highly dubious products and services. ...From every indication, the domanant bipedal lifeforms are so paranoid about increasing the size of some body parts while shrinking others that they don't have time for serious intellectual pursuits. Meanwhile, they are constantly dreaming up new ways to scam each other out of economic resources, either through vaporous transactions (what they call "pyramid schemes" or "hot stock tips"), by fooling others into revealing sensitive information ("phishing"), or by outright theft ("taxes"). We even received a shocking message from "Mrs Jane Mupesa, wife to Ndoga Mupesa of Chiweshe ward in Muzarabani, Mashonaland Central province" with a horrific story of the murder of her husband. She urgently needed our assistance to help her transfer "millions of dollars" to a secure location outside of her war-torn region... We simply cannot believe that this pathetic race has been able to develop atomic energy and spaceflight. This case is clearly an anomoly that violates all know principles of planetary evolution... In conclusion, there are no compelling arguments for preserving this planet. Despite our best efforts, we could find no reason to believe that Sol III won't devolve into insanity and anarchy within the near future. Unless we are completely misinterpreting their communcations, we are simply dumbfounded by their culture's ability to survive for more than 3 minutes... The plan to obliterate the solar system should be implemented within the next month, although an activist group, People for the Ethical Treatment of Aliens, has launched an intergalactic petition drive to postpone the destruction. "We don't care about the clueless bipeds," said a PETA spokesthing. "But we are concerned that some of the marine life, particularly 'dolphins' and 'whales', have the potential to develop an advanced civilization. We need to find a way to carefully relocate them to another planet, leaving the rest of the riff-raff behind to eat our ray-guns." It's not immediately clear what method the aliens will use for the annihilation. The report does hint that subterfuge might be involved: "Since these lifeforms appear to be quite gullible -- we don't speak their language very well and even we can see through the Mrs. Mupesa scam -- we might be able to simply land in a spaceship and say, 'We come in peace.' They'll believe us... and then they won't know what hit them." The White House, frantically trying to build and launch emergency spacecraft to secretly carry VIPs to safety, was unavailable for comment at press time. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Mar 17 04:57:56 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1DBm8t-0004PP-Tf; Thu, 17 Mar 2005 04:57:51 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Thu, 17 Mar 2005 04:56:39 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.182]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1DBm7J-0004OG-N8 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 17 Mar 2005 04:56:13 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.123.146.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.123.146] helo=ldd.net) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1DBm7E-0000t9-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 16 Mar 2005 19:56:09 -0800 Message-ID: <4238F87C.6040704@ldd.net> Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 21:24:44 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Industry Cracks Down On Illegal "File Sharing" Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, score=1.4 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_99, RCVD_IN_SORBS_WEB autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Level: * X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Industry Cracks Down On Illegal "File Sharing" March 16, 2005 File Sharing Is Theft. That's the slogan of the PPPAA (Paper Product Producers Association of America), a newly created consortium of timber companies, paper manufacturers, and office supply superstores. The mission of the organization is to clamp down on the unauthorized sharing, reuse, and recycling of office paper products, especially file folders. "When unscrupulous businesses and employees reuse paper products, our industry loses billions of dollars in revenue each year," said Bug E. Whipps, CEO of a major Pacific Northwest paper mill. "Not only does it harm the American economy and hurt the children of our employees, but it's illegal." Illegal? That last sentence caught this reporter by surprise. However, after consulting with Humorix's Official Lawyer, Mr. Noah Morals, we discovered that file sharing really is against the law, at least in 37 states. Take, for instance, the constitution of the State of Utah. It states, "No person shall directly or indirectly interfere with the God-given right of a corporation to make money. Willful violators shall be punished by up to five years in prison and a fine not to exceed the cost of a private luxury jet for the victim company's CEO." According to Mr. Morals, that clause outlaws file sharing, and just about everything else. "By using a product more than once, you are directly costing the manufacturer money by not buying the product again," he argued. "So if you share a file folder with a co-worker so that they don't have to get another one, you are a thief according to the laws of most states." It's not immediately clear whether such laws have ever been enforced in this way, but the PPPAA wants that to change. "Reduce, reuse, and recycle are the three words that are destroying the American economy," said the Vice President of PPPAA. "When people share products and refuse to buy new ones, they not only hurt our industry, but they deprive the government of valuable sales tax revenue necessary to save the children. This kind of child abuse must not be tolerated." He also pointed out that file sharing can lead to serious health problems. "If you hand a folder to a co-worker for them to reuse, you are spreading potentially fatal germs and bacteria throughout the workplace. This would not be a problem, however, if you simply bought new products that have been shrinkwrapped for your protection. This isn't just about money, it's about the health of your co-workers and their children." In an unrelated story, Bob Smith, the recent inventor of a lightbulb that never burns out, was found dead earlier today at his apartment in New Jersey. Investigators, however, quickly ruled out foul play, arguing that the 46 bullet holes in his chest was merely a "freak accident" and nothing more. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Mar 18 04:52:03 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1DC8Wm-00013Z-Ur; Fri, 18 Mar 2005 04:52:00 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 18 Mar 2005 04:50:53 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.181]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1DC8VO-00012q-Or for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 18 Mar 2005 04:50:34 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.123.93.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.123.93] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1DC8VJ-00050W-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 17 Mar 2005 19:50:30 -0800 Message-ID: <423A39F3.7070103@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2005 20:16:19 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Embraces "Free Software" Movement Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, score=1.4 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_99, RCVD_IN_SORBS_WEB autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Level: * X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Microsoft Embraces "Free Software" Movement March 17, 2005 REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In a shocking revelation that sent gasps throughout the audience, Bill Gates announced today at a press conference that the next version of Windows, tentatively called Windows MT (Microsoft Technology), is going to be available for free to everybody who wants a copy. There will, however, be a few strings attached. "We are fully embracing the concept of free software," Gates said while dozens of reporters sat with their jaws on the floor. "All copies of Windows MT will be made available to the public at no charge." The audience came back to Earth, however, when Gates revealed that only a tiny portion of the core Windows system will be included in the Free Edition. Everything else will cost extra. "Under this new patent-pending pricing system, customers will be able to mix-and-match the features they want," said Gates with a hollow grin. "This will save users money while fostering enhanced innovation." During a weekly dig through the garbage cans behind the Microsoft Campus, a member The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) uncovered a preliminary copy of the new Windows MT pricing system. The document lists over 550 "add-on licenses" that will be available for users to purchase. It appears that the core Free Edition will only include the Windows kernel, Internet Explorer (impossible to remove), a bastardized TCP/IP stack, the Microsoft Outlook Virus Delivery Platform, and the Windows License Manager application, called SLAVE (System License Activation and Verification Engine). SLAVE features a "zero-click licensing" system that makes it easy for users to select, purchase, and install the additional features they want from MASTER, the Microsoft Automatic Software Toll Extraction Regime. Unlike Amazon, the user doesn't even need to click on anything to make a purchase -- they just hover the mouse over a portion of the screen for three seconds. Some of the available add-on features for Windows MT might include (with tentative prices in US dollars): * Solitaire ($10) * Basic firewall ($10) * Enhanced firewall that kicks into operation *before* the TCP/IP stack is launched during boot ($75) * Command-line shell ($25) * Command-line shell that is more advanced than MS-DOS ($50) * Java plug-in for Internet Explorer ($500) * Start Menu ($5) * Registry Editor ($10) * Notepad ($10) * Calculator ($5) * Control Panel ($10) * Minimize/Maximize window controls ($3) * Standard fonts ($15) -- the Free Edition only includes MS Comic Sans * Windows Help system ($5, but free after rebate) * Right-click context sensitive menus ($10) * User manager for creating accounts other than "Administrator" ($45) * Basic spyware detection tool ($10) * Upgraded spyware detection *and* removal tool ($100) * Advanced TCP/IP stack allowing more than 10 open sockets at a time (your first born son) Pundits wasted no time hailing the new Windows MT paradigm as the "greatest revolution to hit the computer industry since the invention of ASCII." Said one shill over at LinuxShillInsider.com, "This bold new Microsoft strategy will make open source software obsolete. After all, why use a free Linux system when you can use a free Windows system?" The Blartner Group issued a statement saying, "This is exactly the kind of visionary move that we have been predicting for the last five years. We told you this would happen." Microsoft has been tight-lipped about the release date for Windows MT, with a spokesperson saying only, "We expect a 4th quarter delivery." However, it wasn't immediately clear whether he was talking about Windows MT or the birth of somebody's baby. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Mar 22 03:01:32 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1DDYhz-0008FT-Et; Tue, 22 Mar 2005 03:01:27 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 22 Mar 2005 03:00:07 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.182]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1DDYgL-0008D2-J5 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 22 Mar 2005 02:59:45 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.245.15.24.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.245.15.24] helo=ldd.net) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1DDYgB-000119-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 21 Mar 2005 17:59:36 -0800 Message-ID: <423F749D.4000905@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 21 Mar 2005 19:27:57 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Don't Like Talking To Tech Support? Hire An Agent! Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, score=2.3 required=5.0 tests=BAYES_99,PLING_QUERY, RCVD_IN_SORBS_WEB autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Level: ** X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Don't Like Talking To Tech Support? Hire An Agent! March 21, 2005 SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS -- Linn Gwist is the master of dealing with tech support. He knows the lingo, the shortcuts, and the right time to demand to speak with the manager's manager. He can understand fifteen different dialects of the English language, including the "Engrish" commonly spoken in Asian call centers. But this shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, it's part of his job. He's a tech support agent, a person that wrestles with multinational corporate hell on behalf of his clients. "It's not a pleasant job, but somebody has to do it," he cheerfully explained from his personal call center. "I'm a mercenary that goes into battle against outsourced adversaries. My weapons? A telephone and a razor-sharp wit." During one session, Gwist successully helped a neighbor track down the problem with her Internet connection. After three hours of phone calls to BigEvilTelco, including 10 transfers, 7 holds, 3 unexpected disconnections, 5 foreign accents, and 2 shouting matches, he eventually reached a solution. "I finally forced them to admit it was their fault," he boasted while recuperating from the skirmish. "It's amazing what you can accomplish by interjecting some Hindi curse words into the conversation." The customer was ecstatic with the outcome. "You beat 'em! You beat Ma Bell!" she shouted. "I'd still be on hold if I tried to call them myself... Thank you so very much! I have to tell all my friends about this... Lord knows there's a huge demand for your services." Despite his skills, Gwist has never achieved the ultimate goal: forcing Microsoft tech support to admit that their software contains bugs. "I came very close one time. But now I think they recognize my voice. I haven't been able to make any headway against them recently... they simply outnumber me." That might change, however. Thanks to his success, Gwist wants to expand his business to include a huge team of agents that can work together on more challenging assignments. "So far, most of my clients have been computer neophytes that don't want to get screwed by slick-talking big city corporate bureaucrats," he said. "But I will be able to provide a valuable service for businesses, freeing up their IT departments to focus on more important things than waiting on hold." "In other words," he added, "my outsourcing firm, representing corporations, will deal with other outsourcing firms, representing other corporations. I have to laugh at all of the fools who thought that the Internet would help eliminate middle-men!" -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Mar 25 03:12:12 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1DEeIz-0002Qm-4i; Fri, 25 Mar 2005 03:12:09 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 25 Mar 2005 03:11:05 +0100 (CET) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1DEeHg-0002Hn-4O for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 25 Mar 2005 03:10:48 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.180.30.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.180.30] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.36 #10) id 1DEeHZ-0004l2-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 24 Mar 2005 18:10:42 -0800 Message-ID: <42436A7B.7040303@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 24 Mar 2005 19:33:47 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #36,712,380 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, score=1.5 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_99, RCVD_IN_SORBS_WEB autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Level: * X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #36,712,380 March 24, 2005 We've always believed in Ballmer's Law: The number of possible Microsoft conspiracy theories doubles every 18 months. This time, the Humorix Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division(tm) has uncovered the most sinister, diabolical, mind-twisting conspiracy theory in history... since last Monday. "It's evil, pure evil," said Mennon Black, chief conspiriologist. "It all started in 1997 when Microsoft invested $250 million in Apple. Now, with the rising popularity of Mac OS X and the so-called 'iPod halo effect', the conspiracy is truly coming to fruition." The theory works something like this: 1. Microsoft buys shares in Apple, providing a much-needed revenue boost, and allowing Apple to produce a superior operating system. 2. Mac OS X siphons off support from Linux and other Microsoft competitors, while encouraging unwanted "problem customers" to move away from Windows. 3. ??? 4. Profit!!! "Microsoft has always strugged with 'problem customers', those users that are constantly complaining about their systems but don't have the initiative to try something else," Black explained. "They have unrealistic expectations for Windows, such as believing that you should be able to connect to the Internet for more than five seconds without getting slammed by script kiddies." "Clearly, these malcontents are a drain on Microsoft's profit margins. They are more likely to study the fine print of the EULAs and bitch about losing their Constitutional rights. However, by gently nudging these troublemakers into the direction of Apple, Microsoft can increase its profit margins by inserting even more questionable clauses into future EULAs without drawing attention. Meanwhile, since Microsoft owns a portion of Apple, the proceeds will still eventually reach Bill Gates' bank account." The truly diabolical aspect of the plan, however, is the end-run against Linux. Even Linus Torvalds has succumbed to the siren song of Mac hardware. "Open source is a looming threat against Microsoft's bend-over-and-enjoy-it policy of software licensing," ranted assistant conspiriologist N. Saine. "But Mac OS X represents a compromise, with just enough open source to keep the geeks happy, but just enough proprietary licensing to keep the lawyers and bean counters happy." The next step in the conspiracy is not entirely clear, although our conspiracy theorists expect that it will involve wave after wave of killer patent lawsuits. "Once the dust settles, there will only be two remaining legal operating systems: Windows for the masses, and Mac OS X as the token opposition intended to pacify 'problem customers' while keeping them in line." In related news, the Humorix Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division is still feverishly working on the Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory of Everything (GUCTOE). "We thought we had it two years ago," Black said. "But we ran into a firewall. We've been able to successfully unite Elvis Sightings, JFK Assasination, The Illuminati, Microsoft, Jet Contrails, and Water Fluoridation, but we can't get a handle on Alien Abductions." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/