From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Feb 08 04:35:05 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CyM9V-0008Eo-2I; Tue, 08 Feb 2005 04:35:01 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 08 Feb 2005 04:33:24 +0100 (CET) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CyM7h-0008EA-Nv for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 08 Feb 2005 04:33:09 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.177.130.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.177.130] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CyM7a-0001Rb-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 07 Feb 2005 19:33:03 -0800 Message-ID: <42082558.8060806@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 07 Feb 2005 20:35:04 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Congress Sued For Producing Defective Products Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.1 required=5.0 tests=AWL,FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Congress Sued For Producing Defective Products February 7, 2005 WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CORRUPTION -- If companies can be sued over defective products, then so can the Federal government. That's the new legal theory used in a pair of lawsuits filed by two different groups against the US Congress. The first lawsuit alleges that the CAN SPAM Act is part of a sinister conspiracy to secretly legalize spam while pretending to fight it. "This so-called law clearly demonstrates that Congress is the biggest organized crime racket in history," said an anti-spam advocate. "It is an example of false advertising, plain and simple." But don't get too excited yet. A second lawsuit, filed by the IPHAA (Intellectual Property Hoarders Association of America), argues that the DMCA (Direct Money Capturing Act) has been a total disappointment for stopping online piracy. "We bought and paid for this legislation and it simply has not lived up to expectations," said an IPHAA lawyer. "It is an example of false advertising, plain and simple." Sen. Fattecat (R-Washington) was quick to defend his Congressional colleagues. "The CAN SPAM Act does what the title suggests -- it says that spammer can spam. I don't understand why anybody would think that Congress has an obligation to outlaw spam, which would be a flagrant violation of free speech rights." He added, "Meanwhile, I don't understand why Hollywood is upset either. They sent us a proposed draft of the DMCA, which we quickly rubberstamped and enacted into law without any changes. If they wanted to give the FBI the power to deport pirates to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, they should have said so in the original proposal. Of course, we would have demanded an additional $50 million in campaign contributions to cover our, uh, expenses. Whoops... I, er, shouldn't have said that." Fattecat's defense, however, doesn't sit well with the IPHAA. Said the IPHAA's new Director of Public Relations (formerly the Vice President of Brainwashing Propaganda), "The law is fine, but it doesn't have any teeth. Congress simply refuses to provide the necessary funding to the FBI to go after these domestic terrorists that threaten our entire industry." "As a result of this appalling situation, we have no choice but to issue our own subpoenas against 83-year-old grandmothers. This causes a downward spiral in public opinion, but people need to understand that just because somebody is 83 and deceased doesn't give them the right to break the law! Until the FBI has enough funding to fight the War on Piracy, then the DMCA must be considered defective..." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Feb 11 03:44:33 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CzQnG-0002D0-2a; Fri, 11 Feb 2005 03:44:30 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 11 Feb 2005 03:43:15 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.182]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CzQlq-0002CR-OY for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 11 Feb 2005 03:43:02 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.180.246.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.180.246] helo=ldd.net) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CzQlg-0005iJ-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 10 Feb 2005 18:42:57 -0800 Message-ID: <420C10BD.4090300@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 19:56:13 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] SCO's Hometown Declares State of Emergency Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.1 required=5.0 tests=FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix SCO's Hometown Declares State of Emergency February 10, 2005 LINDON, UTAH -- The City of Lindon issued a disaster declaration today after the first tractor-trailer arrived delivering documents from IBM as part of the discovery process in the SCO case. "Our town simply isn't large enough to support the mass of documents that IBM has been ordered to deliver," said a Lindon city official. "The trucks will destroy our roads, cause traffic gridlock, and create blight within a 20-block radius of the SCO World Headquarters Complex." According to its calculations, IBM will need 2,952 truckloads to deliver all of the paper documents that SCO has requested. "This will be the largest fishing expedition in history," said an IBM spokesperson. "But we're happy to comply with the court's order. I can't wait to see the look on Darl McBride's face when he can't find his office under the predicted 6 to 10 feet of accumulated paperwork." IBM has graciously decided to submit the rest of the discovery material on DVDs instead of paper. However, this will require another 1,640 truckloads, containing the complete source code to every interim version of every IBM program ever written. "SCO even demanded all of our code from 1890 to 1960," the IBM spokesperson said with a wry grin. "We thought about delivering this software in its original punch-card form, but we figured even the court would find that absurd. So we decided to just scan the cards, including the hanging chads, and burn the uncompressed TIF images to DVDs. This will only produce another 42 truckloads instead of 2,623." A team from the Federal Emergency Management Agency has been dispatched to Utah to monitor the unfolding crisis. "Federal grants will be made available to the city to repair all of the road damage caused by the incessant truck traffic," said a FEMA official. "If necessary, the White House will be asked to issue a Brown Alert, in which the National Guard will be dispatched to help stack documents and prevent oversized piles from collapsing and killing innocent bystanders." Despite the severe damage that could result from this calamity, scientists are hopeful that a silver lining will emerge. Said one physicist at the Salt Lake Center For Dubious Research, "The sudden movement and concentration of all of this mass might have a measurable impact on the Earth's rotation. These gravitational measurements will provide the raw data for countless Ph.D. dissertations." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sat Feb 12 04:29:19 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Czny7-0001rQ-FG; Sat, 12 Feb 2005 04:29:15 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sat, 12 Feb 2005 04:27:24 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.181]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Cznw4-0001qc-EB for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sat, 12 Feb 2005 04:27:08 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.180.197.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.180.197] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Cznvc-0002dG-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 11 Feb 2005 19:27:02 -0800 Message-ID: <420D5252.8060003@ldd.net> Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 18:48:18 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Hey Bill, You Got A License For That Reality Distortion Field? Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.1 required=5.0 tests=FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Hey Bill, You Got A License For That Reality Distortion Field? February 11, 2005 SILLYCON VALLEY -- In a stunning development, Apple prophet Steve Jobs today filed a patent-infringement lawsuit against Bill Gates for improperly using his "Reality Distortion Field" in public. "I invented and patented the RDF," Jobs said. "According to the US government, I own it for the next 12 years. If Gates wants to use the RDF to fool people into buying his pathetic excuse for an operating system, then he needs to obtain a patent license." In the suit, Jobs alleges that Gates and other Microsoft figureheads have been using reality-distortion techniques "as part of numerous public events during the last year." Just last week, Gates argued that "the fewer operating systems there are within a company, the better it is from a security point of view." "This is a blatant application of a Reality Distortion Field," Jobs proclaimed. "Here Gates makes a statement that is the polar opposite of the truth, and yet delivers it in such a way that his audience will swallow it hook, line, and sinker. That's precisely the technique that I pioneered! Apple wouldn't be anything today without the cult following of fans that were made loyal after repeated exposures to my RDF." But Jobs quickly added, "Apple has reached the point where we don't need to rely on distortions to convince people to buy our products. Instead, we just offer shiny colors along with iThis and eThat and cute handheld music players." A Microsoft spokesdroid offered little comment on the pending litigation, saying only, "We will vigorously defend our right to innovate new forms of marketing and customer attitude management controls. We do not distort reality, we merely adjust it for the benefit of our valued customers and shareholders." Research by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) (translation: three minutes of Googling) reveals that Steve Jobs has barely scratched the surface when it comes to Microsoft's illicit use of reality-distortion techniques. For instance, in 2001, one Microsoft manager said, "the recent security problems with Linux, coupled with the lack of key enterprise elements in the new kernel, really call into question whether Linux should be used at all." [http://www.wired.com/news/business/0,1367,41527,00.html] Industry observers have mixed feelings about the lawsuit. "I hate patents as much as the next guy, but I can't feel too sorry for Microsoft," said one pundit. "They've earned this lawsuit." However, an analyst for the Blartner Group explained, "There's loads of prior art in this field. Politicians have been distorting the truth for centuries. If anybody deserves to hold a patent on Reality Distortion Fields, it should be the White House." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Feb 13 20:14:35 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1D0PCT-0006XB-Lj; Sun, 13 Feb 2005 20:14:33 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sun, 13 Feb 2005 20:13:18 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.182]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1D0PAq-0006W1-Mn for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 13 Feb 2005 20:12:52 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.123.92.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.123.92] helo=ldd.net) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1D0PAh-0004Xk-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 13 Feb 2005 11:12:43 -0800 Message-ID: <420FA18F.7090000@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 13 Feb 2005 12:50:55 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Suspicious Fire Destroys Microsoft Building Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.5 required=5.0 tests=AWL,EXTRA_CASH, FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Suspicious Fire Destroys Microsoft Building February 13, 2005 Justin Morgan, justin [at] corfizz [dot] com REDMOND, WA -- Earlier today, a building located deep within the bowels of the Microsoft Campus was destroyed by a fire of unknown origin. The blaze reportedly started at 2 AM, when the building was thankfully devoid of all human life (and Microsoft lawyers). Bureaucracy Wing #23, Lawsuit Documents Backup Storeroom #63, and Dancing Office Assistants Training Center #3 were all totally destroyed. The fire alarm was set off immediately -- not by the fire, but by a bug in Microsoft's own Audible Basic .NET alarm system. It took just two and a half hours for the Microsoft General Protection Fault Investigator to respond by signing the numerous administrative authorization documents, 78 of which were short-term patent license agreements for the firefighting technology. Conspiracy theorists have already speculated that the monopoly wanted to let their HQ burn so that they could build a new one with all the extra cash they just received from the MPAA and RIAA to put subliminal anti-piracy messages in one of their recently acquired video games. The Microsoft Emergency Action Committee took a record time of three hours to decide on the right course of action. It was then just five hours before firefighters arrived at the scene, who promptly went off and had a picnic on the shores of Lake Washington. The fire was actually extinguished by specially-commissioned helicopters about an hour later, who were supposedly seen to be throwing out assorted CD media, aerosols, posters of penguins, gas cans, and Palm PDAs into the fire long before releasing any water. Bill Gates, just arriving from a European meeting of the International Cartel For Promoting Software Patents, strode down one of his favorite entrance paths (his Microsoft Way), staring at the burning building in the distance. "I used to like Bureaucracy Wing #23," he mumbled to himself, "It had a novel ventilation system," he explained when he noticed that one of our reporters had overheard him. "I'll miss it." Mr. Gates was informed of the odd practices of the fire service: sending a brigade of firefighters who didn't do anything, then reportedly throwing on inflammable materials, and only then putting the fire out. "It's our policy," he replied, "Embrace. Extend. Then Extinguish." Those that got their head round the whole brouhaha started looking into the causes of the fire. "It is quite clear to us," said a spokesmanoid who had got his head round the whole brouhaha, "that the cause of the Redmond blaze was paperwork. An independent Apple-sponsored study has shown that if the administrative paperwork from Microsoft was put into one stack, it would reach half as far as the moon -- that's nearly a quarter of the way around Bill Gates' bank account. It would take only a small electrostatic spark or a brief vi versus emacs debate and the whole lot would go..." He gestured vaguely with his hands to indicate how exactly the whole lot would 'go'. Sun Microsystems was quick to make a statement: "There's no doubt that the bureaucracy of all large corporations nowadays is spiraling out of control. Our studies show that Microsoft alone has contributed to at least 15% of the destruction of the natural environment through unnecessary paperwork. The text of all their patents combined is nearly 50 million words long. That's equivalent to over 12 Libraries of Congress." "Or 17 internal revenue codes," someone else added to put things into perspective. "Sun, on the other hand, has invested millions into cutting out the red tape. We estimate that we saved 20 million trees by removing the phrase 'network infrastructure' from our departmental reports and key note speeches, and forty thousand by deleting every twenty-fifth word on each of our web pages. And you can't even tell the difference!" "Microsoft expects people to read over three thousand words for the terms and conditions of their website alone," a Novell employee told us, "Over two thousand for the privacy statement. And the EULA for XP Home is nearly a thousand words longer than the US Constitution. Combined, that's as many lengths of the Lord's Prayer as there are vulnerabilities in MS Solitaire." Later, Steve Ballmer, CEO of the company, arrived on site, passing the firefighters' picnic briefly to confiscate a basket of fruit while muttering "Apples? At a time like this?" He made his way to HQ and one of our reporters waited just inside the door of Bloat Think-Tank Room #79 to accost him by surprise. "Argh!" he screamed, "What was that? Quick! Patent it!" After seeing that it was just a paparazzi, he calmed down and composed himself. When asked for his feelings on the matter of the fire, he replied: "I'm not concerned. A burning building isn't half as serious as a patent violation, after all." After the fire was finally extinguished, firefighters soon discovered the first non-human victim: the Microsoft Office Assistant. It is a little known fact that the Office Assistant is -- or was -- a real entity. Of course, like all of Microsoft's products, it wasn't created by Microsoft, but rather started its life as a failed experiment at the California Institute of Technology, who were researching dancing polymorphic helper-robots in the early 1990s. All of the experiments went horribly wrong, however, as the robots became too frustrating and unhelpful, and so it was that Caltech prepared to put the project on the scrapheap. However, Bill Gates himself, who was visiting with his wife and children at the time, happened by chance to catch one of the lead engineers kicking and hurling abuse at a gorilla-sized paper-clip with football-sized eyes. He immediately realized the potential of the invention for a Microsoft product. Although the Caltech engineer insisted that he could take the damned things without charge, Gates insisted that he pay twelve million dollars in case of intellectual property disputes. "He said it would encourage innovation," said Melinda Gates in passing. The Caltech robot had escaped from the Dancing Office Assistants Training Center #3 and was roaming the Bureaucracy Wings before the fire started. It was found in its paper-clip form, squashed beneath a copy of the Windows End-User License Agreement. It is thought that there may have been an initial explosion that triggered a shock wave -- although an early seismologist's report showed there could never be a shock wave quite explosive enough to topple a Windows EULA. "It's a sad loss," said Gates, "It's a very sad loss. Especially Merlin." "Yeah," Ballmer agreed, "But at least our paperwork is easily replaced. We have 250 backups in every state of the US, and everybody has a copy of the Windows EULA on their computer, of course. However, I suspect this disaster will provide another excuse to delay Longhorn again." In a meeting in Board Room #420 it was decided that a monument to the Office Assistant would be constructed in the area after the clearing of the wreckage. We tried to get a comment from Apple, but the party was going too strong and they didn't notice us. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sat Feb 19 15:46:05 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1D2Vrv-0003Jp-G7; Sat, 19 Feb 2005 15:46:03 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sat, 19 Feb 2005 15:44:53 +0100 (CET) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1D2VqY-0003J8-3h for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sat, 19 Feb 2005 15:44:38 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.180.187.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.180.187] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1D2VqT-0004Fe-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sat, 19 Feb 2005 06:44:33 -0800 Message-ID: <4216A50E.90501@ldd.net> Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 20:31:42 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Trumpets Yet Another Vulnerability In Linux Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.1 required=5.0 tests=AWL,FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Microsoft Trumpets Yet Another Vulnerability In Linux February 18, 2005 REDMOND, WA -- Spontaneous parties erupted throughout the Microsoft Campus today after word spread that a "severe" vulnerability had been discovered that affects almost every installation of Linux. "This is major! It's the worst security hole that's ever been disclosed in the history of computer science," boasted a Microsoft employee during an impromptu keg party in Employee Recreation Management Center #52. "Party! Party! Party!" Even though the celebrations will likely cause another delay in the release of Windows MT (also called Longhorn), Microsoft employees and executives were too ecstatic to care. "Ahhh've been waitingk yearsh fer sthish!" said one inebriated Microserf. He added, "Yeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" before making another trip to the keg. We tried to ask partygoers about the "vulnerability," but nobody could give a straight answer, or even a slurred answer. A member of the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) finally tracked down the Microsoft Competitor Extinguishment Lab, the source of the discovery. "Oh, it's quite simple," explained Dr. Sherman Clayton, the senior researcher of the Extinguishment Lab. "Most Linux distros running on PC hardware are vulnerable to a certain keystroke combination... let's see, let me check my notes... ah yes, it's CONTROL, followed by ALT, and then DELETE. This is a glaring hole that reboots the system, resulting in a denial of service. Remember the vulnerability [1] we found last year? This is much worse." In a heroic display of poise, our Vast Spy Network member was able to continue the conservation without bursting into riotous laughter. "Very interesting," he said coolly. "What should Linux users do about this, uh, security threat?" "They need to upgrade to Windows XP immediately," he responded with a straight face. "If the local Cubicle City is closed, then they should at least physically remove the DELETE key from their keyboard to temporarily prevent the attack. It might be possible to fix the problem by tinkering with config files from the command line, but who in their right mind wants to waste time with that? That's *so* 1981." The Microserf added, "My department has also experimented with another possible attack vector involving sledgehammers and gravity. Preliminary results indicate that a Linux system can be successfully compromised by a well-placed blow by a hammer." "I am very concerned about these vulnerabilities," he continued. "I'm concerned that I might have to pay higher taxes because my salary will shoot up after people start abandoning Linux and returning to Windows." At this point the Humorix agent simply couldn't contain himself, and barely made it out of the building before bursting into uncontrollable laughter and rolling on the floor. Bystanders assumed he was just another drunk Microsoft employee caught up in the celebration. "I better get hazardous-duty pay for this assignment," the agent demanded before collapsing from exhaustion. [1] http://humorix.org/articles/2004/10/plain-text/ -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Feb 24 03:49:09 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1D493r-0002X2-7l; Thu, 24 Feb 2005 03:49:07 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Thu, 24 Feb 2005 03:47:57 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.181]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1D492Q-0002W9-D7 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 24 Feb 2005 03:47:38 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.123.111.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.123.111] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1D492H-0006pT-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 23 Feb 2005 18:47:32 -0800 Message-ID: <421D3386.5080903@ldd.net> Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 19:53:10 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Slashdot Develops Solution To Corporate Firewall Problem Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, score=1.0 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_99 autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Level: * X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Slashdot Develops Solution To Corporate Firewall Problem February 23, 2005 HOLLAND, MICHIGAN -- Last month, when Taco Boy was digging through the statistics for Slashdot, he noticed a disturbing trend: less and less traffic was hitting the site during daylight hours in North America. "It's obvious that a growing number of American companies are limiting or restricting access to Slashdot by their employees," said Taco Boy. "I couldn't sit here and let that happen." As a solution to the problem, Taco Boy developed a write-only Perl script [yes, we know that's redundant -Ed.] that implements a new protocol for bypassing corporate firewalls: HTTP-over-Gopher-over-PigLatin-over-SSH-over-ROT13-over-HTTP. "This might seem like a convoluted process, but it works against many firewalls, especially because most network administrators have never heard of Gopher," said the Slashdot founder. "Meanwhile, the Pig Latin translation is a nice touch for fooling dumb content filters." The ad-hoc protocol, dubbed SixLayerBurrito, is now available as a Firefox extension or an ActiveX applet (for those unlucky serfs that remain shackled to Internet Explorer at work). Content filters that look for keywords like "hot grits" and "you insensitive clod" will miss the ROT13-encoded-PigLatin, making it possible again to more efficiently waste time at work by browsing Slashsot. It didn't take long for people to start deploying the protocol in the trenches. Said one satisfied Dothead, "My Pointy-Haird Boss simply doesn't understand how important Slashdot is to my professional development. Where else will I learn about building Beowulf clusters and shooting people out of a cannon? Thanks to SixLayerBurrito, I can get my hourly Slashdot fix without any hassles." Taco Boy is already planning an updated version, dubbed SevenLayerBurrito, that will include "content-shape-shifting" technology to fool more sophisticated firewalls. "The idea," he explained, "is to translate dubious phrases like 'evil Microsoft behavior' and 'pouring hot grits' into acceptable PHB-friendly terms like 'value-added synergy' and 'paradigm enrichments'. When content filters see these buzzwords, the software will automatically flag the site as 'work-friendly' and grant access." As an example, a simple phrase-substitution algorithm could seemlessly translate a typical Slashdot post from this: First post! Can you imagine a Beowulf cluster of Rick Bermans fired out of a cannon with hot grits? I, for one, welcome our new South Korean overlords, you insensitive clod. All your Natalie Portman belong to us! Into this: Proactive synergies! Can you leverage supply-chain incentives to monetize shareholder benefits with value-added dividends? Our team, with quality control, manages to empower corporate excellence for our valued customers, you hostile enabler. All your ad-hoc paradigms integrate within our domain! The corporate firewall would be none the wiser. To make sure that the firewall administrator doesn't just block all access to "slashdot.org", Taco Boy has also registered "corporate-excellence-synergies.com" and other buzzword-enriched domain names as decoys. "If your boss accuses you of wasting time at Slashdot," said Taco Boy with an evil grin, "you can now truthfully say, 'No, I was merely learning valuable workplace communication skills at workplace-communication-paradigms.com'. And if your boss starts to dig through the firewall access log, he won't see anything incriminating. Bwahahahaha!" -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Feb 25 02:10:23 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1D4Tzp-0007g1-HY; Fri, 25 Feb 2005 02:10:21 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 25 Feb 2005 02:09:21 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.182]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1D4TxC-0007cx-0I for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 25 Feb 2005 02:07:38 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.123.107.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.123.107] helo=ldd.net) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1D4Tx8-0002Ht-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 24 Feb 2005 17:07:34 -0800 Message-ID: <421E745E.80800@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 18:42:06 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] President Bush Has "Faith" In Science Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: * X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, score=1.1 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_99 autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix President Bush Has "Faith" In Science February 24, 2005 By Axel Schweiger, axel [at] hilltopcc [dot] com WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Calling the traditional scientific method "old-fashioned and inefficient", the Bush Administration today unveiled a "bold new platform" to move scientific exploration to a new frontier: Faith-Based Research. At a White House press conference, Science advisor John Marburger offered reporters a sneak preview of the initiative, dubbed the "Science In the new Millenium Plan" (SIMP). He said, "America is ready for this new approach to understanding our world in the 21st Century." "We've had great success in the medical field by clearly demonstrating the benefits of intercessory-prayer," he argued, referring to a NIH-funded Duke University study that showed the health benefits of praying for ailing friends and family. "Now is the time to translate this success into other areas of research." When asked by a reporter how SIMP will work, Marburger explained, "The White House wants scientists to utilize 'Faith-Based Facts' in their work. The world's holy scriptures offer a rich source of FBFs that can only make our nation's research efforts much more efficient and results-oriented." As part of SIMP, the Administration will channel more money into space, geosciences, and paranormal research, while dropping support for "controversial" branches of science including evolutionary biology and genetics. "The Theory of Evolution has never been proven, so why should we spend megabucks on science based on this unproven assertion?" NASA will receive an immediate funding boost, but it will have a new mission to determine the range of God's powers and to help carry freedom and liberty into outer space. "We all know He is big, but how big? That question has puzzled scientists for hundred of years," said outgoing NASA administrator Sean O'Keefe. "But we're going to find out, no matter what the cost." Earth exploration is another area highlighted by SIMP. "Let's face it, finding oil and other natural resources is a damned hard and expensive business... We have to learn how to do more with less", said Peter Goblet, head of Exxon-Mobile's resource exploration department. "Divining is a thousand-year old practice, but our kids are just not learning basic rod use in their college science courses anymore. Think of the money that could be saved if we used our best and brightest scientists to hone these techniques and make them more efficient!" Not everybody is ecstatic about the new plan. Voicing some concerns, National Academy of Sciences President Bruce Albers said, "It's important to keep an open mind, but I think hypothesis-driven science that seeks to support its finding with data is not dead yet." Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona), a critic of the Administration's policy on climate change, was even more blunt: "Next thing they'll want to solve the global warming problem by praying that Hell freezes over!" He added, "Bush says that this plan will lead science into the new millennium -- but what millennium? The Middle Ages?" But Carl Huygens, dean of the school of earth sciences at Texas A&M University, was more positive. "We all know that data-driven science is a messy business that involves bucketloads of wild-ass guessing. Everybody uses a certain element of faith when deriving knowledge from their data... why not go one step further and bring faith into the world of research? We can save ourselves the efforts associated with data collection and interpretation. Paradigm shifts have always occurred in science but the naysayers were usually convinced in the end." Said an anonymous faculty member at the Penn State Department of Geosciences, "Faith-based research will surely allow us to increase the number of papers my graduate students and I will be able to publish. I'll have to rewrite my lectures, but that's a small price to pay for progress." During his weekly radio address, President Bush said, "Science is already heading in the direction of faith, especially with the emergence of Intelligent Design as an alternative to the highly dubious Theory of Evolution. We need more of this independent thought." He continued, "Experimentation and theory are overrated and frankly the American public deserves more than scientific 'mumbo-jumbo' about uncertainties and self-serving statements about the need for further research. The time has come to mine the treasure trove of God-given knowledge to finally solve the most pressing scientific issues of our time and wean the scientific community from its narrow-minded obsession with reality and observations." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/