From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sat Jan 01 04:21:26 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CkZpR-0006Gi-6l; Sat, 01 Jan 2005 04:21:21 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sat, 01 Jan 2005 04:20:08 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.181]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CkZnI-0006Dp-5G for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sat, 01 Jan 2005 04:19:08 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-013neomahp0412.dialsprint.net ([63.190.65.158] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CkZn6-00003a-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 31 Dec 2004 19:18:57 -0800 Message-ID: <41D62786.4080301@ldd.net> Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 22:31:02 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i586; en-US; rv:1.3) Gecko/20030314 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] The Year In Preview 2005 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.1 required=5.0 tests=FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix The Year In Preview 2005 December 31, 2004 [Editor's Note: Every year, Humorix publishes a Year In Preview feature in which we offer predictions for the coming year. We are pleased to announce that these predictions have so far resulted in a fantastic 100% success rate. That's right, not one single prediction has come true. As a fake news publication, we can only hope that this perfect record will continue to hold well into the future.] Jan. 3 -- The SCO Group announces its new product lineup for 2005, including Daimler-Chrysler Appeal 1.0, Novell Slander of Title 2.0, Groklaw Libel Cease-and-Desist 1.0, Red Hat GPL-Is-Unconstitutional 2.0, IBM Discovery Stall Tactics 2.0 Molasses Edition, IBM Contract Violations 17.4, and AutoZone Shakedown 2.1. "These new and updated products will provide additional value for our shareholders and corporate puppet-masters," says a SCO spokespuppet. "At SCO, our mission is to deliver only the finest litigation-related products and services..." Jan. 4 -- Several trade publications hail 2005 as the "Year of the Linux Desktop." Similar articles from 1999, 2001, 2003, and 2004 silently disappear from their website archives. Jan. 17 -- During a conference call, the CEO of Sun Microsystems, Scott McNealy, announces that the company hopes to pursue a new business plan revolving around "Java world domination." "We want to leverage our cross-platform core competencies to facilitate electronic commerce in the global marketplace while earning some scratch," he tries to explain. Jan. 20 -- In retaliation for helping to torpedo the EU software patent directive, the Microsoft Board of Directors officially declares war against Poland. Several hundred Microsoft lawyers are immediately airlifted to Europe, while the company tries to recruit other US attorneys to join the fight. "Help your country defeat the enemies of capitalism," says one Microsoft leaflet. "Join the Microsoft Barrister Brigade today!" Jan. 23 -- As part of "Operation Dancing Paperclip", several hundred Microsoft lawyers parachute into the vicinity of Warsaw. "We're going to lay seige to this city and bury it under an avalanche of legal documents until the Polish government surrenders," says Microsoft's Vice President of Foreign Affairs. Feb. 7 -- The website hosting company eOnlineCheapLinuxHostingWorld.com, which last year offered Slashdot Effect Insurance for its clients, suddenly files for bankruptcy. "After getting hit by the Slashdot Effect ten times in one week, we simply couldn't afford the bandwidth charges. Our request for disaster assistance was denied from the Federal Emergency Management Agency, so our only hope is Chapter 11 bankruptcy..." Mar. 17 -- Sun changes direction, this time announcing that "cross-platform applications no longer matter" and that "Java is dead." "Our goal is to replace legacy Unix systems with the superior Wintel platform," says a Sun spokesman. "By helping the entire world standardize on Microsoft solutions, we can save businesses trillions of dollars while moving a step closer to world peace." Mar. 23 -- Microsoft releases XP Service Pack 3, which now includes an innovative feature: built-in viruses. "Much like a vaccine, this patch will install some relatively minor viruses as a form of innoculation against more sinister viruses in the wild," says a Microsoft press release. "These benign viruses will hog system resources, making it much harder for real viruses or malevolent spyware to gain a foothold. At Microsoft, we are always striving to find new innovative ways to increase security." Mar. 26 -- After discovering that one of the supposedly benign viruses in SP3 can cause catastrophic hard drive failures on days that end in 'y', Microsoft quickly produces a service pack for its service pack. Apr. 1 -- In a posting to the Linux Kernel Mailing List, Linus Torvalds finally comes clean about the origins of Linux. "I can't keep this conspiracy under wraps any longer," he admits. "I really did steal some of the Linux code from SCO... Every single argument made by SCO over the years is true. I've even been told by my lawyer that the GPL violates the US Constitution. I'm deeply sorry for the horrible mess I've created..." Apr. 2 -- In response to the Torvalds confession, SCO's remaining employees stage a massive celebration, utterly trashing the company headquarters. Shouts of "We've won! We've won! We've finally beat Linux! IBM is toast! We're going to become billionaires!" echo throughout the building. However, the party quickly ends when somebody realizes that the LKML message was not posted by the real Linus Torvalds, but was instead signed by a Ms. Lirpa Sloof. Apr. 4 -- Several music labels quietly launch a new DRM-enabled CD format that will emit an eardrum-rupturing sound when played in unauthorized devices. Vowing to fight the "War On Piracy" no matter the cost, the US Congress approves a bill exempting the music industry from lawsuits by people who become deaf at the hands of the technology. Apr. 15 -- Taking a cue from the dubious rebate programs offered by electronics stores, the State of Missouri announces a similar program for its corporate income tax collections in 2006. "Since these stores enjoy making customers jump through hoops to get reasonable prices, we have no problem with making these same stores jump through hoops to get reasonable tax rates," explains the state treasurer. Under the plan, stores must pay an additional 40% surcharge on their income taxes, which will be refunded in 4-6 weeks, but only if the company fills out all of the necessary tax rebate forms and postmarks them within a very short time period. Misdirected or improperly completed forms will be discarded. "How do you like them apples?" says the treasurer. Apr. 22 -- After discovering that they had bitten off more than they could chew, several companies in India decide to re-outsource some of their work back to the United States. One company in Silicon Valley outsourced its software development to India, only to discover that the Indian company then sub-outsourced the work to a companty in Los Angeles, which sub-sub-outsourced the job to a firm in Arkansas. The Blartner Group reports, "Instead of eliminating middle-men, the Internet has actually provided a greater market for them..." May 11 -- At a Congressional hearing by the Committee For Sucking Up To Large Corporations, Bill Gates argues that the source code to Windows is worth an estimated 29.2 "skazillion" dollars. "This is the single-most important asset in the history of capitalism... If Congress does not act to protect this critical resource with stronger copyright laws, our national security will be at risk. What's good for Microsoft is good for the country... and the children." May 16 -- In a surprise blow to Microsoft, the State of California suddenly announces that intellectual property, like tangible property, is subject to property taxes. "Since Microsoft admitted in Congress last week that its source code is worth skazillions of dollars, we estimate that the company will owe $934 billion in property taxes for 2005," says the Governator. "This will single-handedly balance the California budget..." May 23 -- In a letter to Congress, The SCO Group warns that Linux and Unix system contain a device called /dev/random that could, if executed enough times, theoretically generate an already copyrighted work, such as the Windows source code. "This device is clearly a violation of the DMCA... all Linux distributors should be held criminally liable for its existence. Several mega-skazillion dollars worth of intellectual property could be at risk..." June 2 -- As part of its latest stall tactic, The SCO Group files a motion alleging that IBM used "top-secret time-travel technology" to steal SCO's valuable intellectual property from the past. A reporter for LinuxInsider.com immediately hails the revelation as "the smoking gun that SCO has always promised to deliver" and then boasts "Linux is toast." June 3 -- While reading SCO's time-travel filing, a Utah court clerk starts rolling on the floor laughing and breaks a leg in the process. June 17 -- As expected, Sun makes a sudden U-turn in its business strategy by announcing that the company wants to fully embrace open source software. "The success of Linux will translate into success for the entire industry," says a company press release. "Java is cool again." The company also promises (for the umpteenth time) to release the source code to Solaris in the "fourth quarter," but they fail to mention which year. June 30 -- The US Treasury Department signs a multi-billion dollar deal with Microsoft to sell sponsorship rights to the $20 and $100 bills. The boring presidential portraits will be replaced by various Microsoft ads, while the phrase "In God We Trust" will become "In Microsoft You Spend". July 14 -- Calling Linux security "an absolute joke," the Blartner Group reports that only 0.05% of Linux machines have anti-virus software installed and running. In the report's conclusion, study author Blort Blartner chastises the Linux community for exhibiting such a "reckless disregard for viruses and worms" that could result in "gazillions of dollars worth of damage." July 15 -- Responding to Blartner, one Linux distributor says, "We don't think it's worthwhile to waste valuable CPU cycles on such nonsense, especially since our anti-virus software would be indistinguishable from the output of the command, 'cat /dev/random > /dev/null'." July 25 -- Humorix celebrates its 7th anniversary, making it the longest-lived low-budget Linux humor website in the history of Linux. The site's readership skyrockets 50% during the year from two regular readers to three. Aug. 5 -- Thanks to growing nostalgia for the "good ole days", the University of Western Kansas announces a new series of computer classes based on 1980's technology. Courses include Advanced DOS Batch File Programming, Introduction To GW-BASIC Algorithms, Getting The Most From OS/2, and more. "We've had many students express an interest in learning about technology from the halcyon days when spam was still a canned meat product, worms only lived in the ground, and phishing was a leisure activity enjoyed on a river bank," says the university president. Aug. 17 -- Another press conference, another Sun mood swing. This time open source is no longer the answer. "The 'bazaar' development model is simply too bizarre," Sun says. "We want to push proprietary Unix software that can be managed sensibly by one company while ensuring the highest possible quality and security. This level of integrity is simply not possible with Linux because it has thousands of contributors of all ages from across the globe each with their own agenda." Aug. 26 -- In yet another twist to the ongoing saga of Days Of Our Lawsuits, several SCO executives appear on television claiming that they were kidnapped two years ago and held at a secret location, while body doubles ran the company in their place. "We would never run this company into the ground, and yet that's exactly what our captors have done. Obviously a conspiracy of epic proportions is at work here," says the real Barl McDride. "All of these court cases were filed under false pretenses... we have just filed a brief with the court asking for a delay until we can straighten out this mess..." Aug. 29 -- After reading SCO's stop-the-trial-we-were-kidnapped motion and nearly choking to death from uncontrollable laughter, the court clerk announces her resignation, saying, "I can't work under these conditions anymore..." Sept. 17 -- Like clockwork, Sun yet again changes its business strategy. Now open source is the biggest innovation since the transistor, and Sun wants the movement to achieve world domination. "Here we have millions of people willing to develop software for free, while Sun will be able to reap huge rewards by selling hardware and support. Our recent attacks against Linux have been terribly misguided." Sept. 28 -- The governments of Estonia and Latvia pledge to provide over $100 million in aid and assistance to help upgrade the United States' stone-age telecommunication system. "In Latvia, almost everybody has access to broadband Internet and dirt-cheap cell phones," says a government official. "It's time to give something back to the world community and help those less fortunate, such as the bandwidth-impoverished citizens of the US still stuck with dial-up access as their only choice..." Oct. 4 -- Blogging through interpretive dance quickly becomes the latest hot trend to hit the Internet. Hundreds of new "d-blogs" pop up within a week, providing live coverage of world events through interpretive dance, pantomime, and sign language. "I'm no longer confined by ASCII text... I can express myself physically through a live video feed," says one d-blog pioneer. "And if visitors are at work, they can have their audio muted and still understand my message..." Oct. 17 -- Now Sun is in bed with Microsoft again. Says Scott McNealy, "In a recent letter, Microsoft politely reminded us that our recent praise of Linux and open source is in direct violation of our April 2004 partnership agreement. We love Microsoft and we fully support Windows software running on Intel hardware. I repeat, we love Microsoft... let there be no doubt." Nov. 1 -- Hoping to capitalize on everybody's favorite capitalist company, the city of Redmond receives a $2.4 million federal grant to open a Microsoft Museum and Visitor Center. The museum will include several historic artifacts, including the centerpiece, a dog-eared copy of the Macintosh User Interface Guide in which Bill Gates personally wrote annotations like "We need to copy this feature" and "Explorer sounds better than Finder" and "Let's call this 'Recycle Bin' instead." Nov. 5 -- Slashdot finally discovers blogging through interpretive dance and posts a story about the rapidly spreading meme -- twice. Nov. 12 -- Porn sites quickly embrace the d-blogging concept, providing live all-nude videos. "These video feeds should not be considered obscene... they feature interpretive dance, which is a form of high art (wink, wink)," says the webmaster of Miss February's All-Nude 24/7 Interpretive Dance Dot Com. "The fact that the participants are not wearing clothes is merely coincidental." Nov. 17 -- In an interview, Scott McNealy says, "We realize Windows and Linux are both here to stay, so we hope to make money by offering products and services to both sides. Sun wants to fully embrace open source, while also fully embracing proprietary software. And we still love Microsoft..." Critics condemn the latest strategy as "two-faced," but some industry observers argue, "There's nothing here we haven't already seen from Sun." Nov. 21 -- With the growing popularity of gift cards, the US Treasury announces that all future currency will include expiration dates. "People don't seem to mind the expiration dates on gift certificates, so this is a logical step for us," says a Treasury spokesperson. "This move will also fight terrorism (and help the children) by encouraging terrorists to use easily-tracked credit cards instead of anonymous cash that will now only last for a few days." Dec. 2 -- The newly created Free Hardware Foundation, headed by Richard M. Stallman, finally demonstrates a practical, non-evil application for DRM hardware. Using an open BIOS architecture, the system will refuse to run any software that is not released under an open source license. "Our DRM system is designed to manage and protect _your_ digital rights, not the rights of Hollywood executives jockeying to buy their fifth luxury yacht," RMS explains. "The idea is simple: All software must include the source code, which is compiled on the fly by the CPU. All binary code will be automatically chucked into /dev/null." In another interview, RMS adds wryly, "This is one platform Microsoft will not be able to embrace and extinguish. If they try to force Windows to run on this hardware by hacking the DRM restrictions, then they will be in violation of the DMCA. Bwahahahaha!" Dec. 23 -- The US government announces a partnership with Santa Claus to share spy information. "Santa's naughty-or-nice list is exactly the kind of intrusive database that we need to fight terrorists and save the children," explains the Attorney General. "In exchange for access to his North Pole spy network, Santa will receive our terrorist watch list to make sure he doesn't inadvertantly provide toys or other assistance to the relatives of suspected terrorists, which would be a federal crime." Dec. 25 -- The Johnson family of Vineland, New Jersey, is rudely awakened by a team of hired goons at their front door demanding to see the license for their home's copyrighted floorplan. When they bought the house last year, they weren't told the original floorplan had been featured in the July 1979 issue of Better Hovels and Shacks Magazine and was still copyrighted by the architect. "Floorplan piracy is a growing problem that we must tackle," says Shay Kuhdowne, chief of the BIAA (Blueprint Industry Association of America). "Ignorance of the law is no excuse not to maintain the necessary paperwork for your home's floorplan license. Violators will be hunted down and punished severely." Dec. 31 -- In a Slashdot poll, 51% of geeks believe that Microsoft will finally release Windows Longhorn by the time the SCO vs. IBM case goes to trial. However, the general consensus is that both of these events will not occur before 2008, if they happen at all. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Jan 06 05:15:30 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CmP3Q-0005O1-BP; Thu, 06 Jan 2005 05:15:20 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Thu, 06 Jan 2005 05:13:30 +0100 (CET) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CmP1I-0005NA-P0 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 06 Jan 2005 05:13:08 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-018neomahp0264.dialsprint.net ([63.190.113.10] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CmP1C-0000Av-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 05 Jan 2005 20:13:02 -0800 Message-ID: <41DCB8FF.6030805@ldd.net> Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 22:05:19 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Coming Soon To A Fridge Near You: Unix Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.1 required=5.0 tests=FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Coming Soon To A Fridge Near You: Unix by Justin Morgan, justin [at] corfizz [dot] com January 5, 2005 NEW JERSEY -- Much to the surprise of SCO and everybody else, AT&T Bell Laboratories, the original creators of the Unix operating system, announced today that they would be returning to the scene of Unix innovation. "In the past, we laughed at all of the commotion on the sidelines," said an anonymous official at the Labs. "But now we think there's still life left in our creation, and we want to try our hands at world domination too, you know." But what about trying their feet? A recently patented design sketch reveals just what they've been up to: Unix ported to footwear. "We thought to ourselves: 'What is the biggest advantage that Unix holds over Windows?'" explained a Bell Labs spokesperson. "Everyone 'round the table said 'portability' simultaneously. So we started off with a port to one of our design engineer's shoes, and the test worked perfectly -- with no code rewrites." Bell Labs may be celebrating their innovation, but some legal observers are crying foul. Said one lawyer who happened to be available for comment, "What part of anti-trust settlement do these people not understand?" But the institution doesn't seem to care. "Unix will once again be a household name," the spokesperson cheered. "We plan to port it to everything. You'll find Unix in your tables and your chairs, your socks, your pencils and pens, your coffee machine -- everywhere. All thanks to its famous architecture-independent design." The port-Unix-to-everything craze was started by the NetBSD project in 1993. Porting it to more and more computer architectures was progressively tedious, however, with only a tiny subset of Slashdot posters having tested the Playstation 2 version of NetBSD. Project leaders hope that ports of Unix to more commonly-used domestic items will be far more popular. "I just can't wait to point at my fridge and say to someone, 'Of course it runs NetBSD'," said an anonymous user on an Internet forum last year. Meanwhile, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has already started to port Unix to digital wristwatches. "We've finally found the answer to the age-old question, 'What's the best thing since sliced bread?'," said a beaming MIT technician. "It's Unix on a watch." The technician offered Humorix reporters an exclusive preview of the technology in their specially-built lawsuit-proof laboratory, but an initial logistics calculation showed that signing all the necessary paperwork would take longer than the mass-market distribution process for the new product. "You only need a digital watch with two buttons as a minimum," the technician told us. "That's one for vi and one for Emacs, of course." A voice-recognition interface is planned for domestic items running Unix, and researchers feel that one day everybody's home will be Unix-enabled, and linked by a wireless network. "You'll soon be able to walk into your living room, Telnet into your remote control, and pass commands to your television," the technician continued. "I'm looking forward to being able to pipe the QVC channel to /dev/null." Of course, it wasn't long before Slashdot got wind of the whole idea, and posters were demanding Linux ports. They pointed to the kitchen sink version of Linux, developed in June 2004 [1]. A flame war quickly erupted over which window manager would be the standard for Linux/Unix-enabled domestic items running X11. "We think it depends on the architecture you port to," said the MIT technician when we mentioned the flame war. "Twm might look great on some items of furniture, FVWM would probably be a good choice when we port to cats, Enlightenment would go well with Gothic architectures, and so on." In response to the news, Microsoft resorted to typical FUD tactics. "I shudder to think about all of the horrible disasters that could occur if this technology is widely adopted," ranted a Microsoft spokesdroid. "What if you lose the root password to the fridge, or if somebody chmod's your bed? What if a hacker pipes the output of your shredder to the input of your sink, or the output of the stereo to the input of the washing machine? Oh the humanity!" [1] http://humorix.org/articles/2004/06/kitchen-sink/ -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Mon Jan 10 01:42:52 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Cnndx-000189-9E; Mon, 10 Jan 2005 01:42:49 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Mon, 10 Jan 2005 01:41:35 +0100 (CET) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CnncW-00017Z-Fo for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 10 Jan 2005 01:41:20 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-011neomahp0213.dialsprint.net ([63.189.40.213] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CnncP-0006QR-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 09 Jan 2005 16:41:14 -0800 Message-ID: <41E152EB.3020806@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 09 Jan 2005 09:51:07 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Microsoft: Windows 2003 Outperforms Red Hat Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.3 required=5.0 tests=DATE_IN_PAST_06_12, FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Microsoft: Windows 2003 Outperforms Red Hat January 9, 2005 REDMOND, WA -- According to a "massive" study conducted by the impartial Microsoft Marketing Department, Windows 2003 servers outperform Red Hat Linux in every possible configuration. "This was a real eye-opener," explained Microsoft spokesperson Harold Fudd. "There was simply no competition between the two. We can only conclude that people still clinging to the legacy, mediocre Linux platform have absolutely no clue." At first glance, this sounds bad for Linux. But the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) did some digging and discovered the truth: Microsoft was not testing the Red Hat Linux(R) distribution. Instead, the benchmark was against an obscure 1999 port of Linux to red hats and other headwear. "Well, duh!" explained Eric Fretime, the programmer behind the Linux For Hats project. "Fedoras, cowboy hats, even baseball caps all have very limited horsepower available for running software, usually only 0.00000001 Mhz. So just about anything would easily outperform them, even Microsoft crippleware. But the whole purpose behind Linux For Hats was... well, uh, I don't think it originally had a purpose. It was peer pressure, I guess... everybody else was porting Linux to exotic platforms..." As part of Microsoft's "impartial" benchmarks, they took a fully-loaded quad Xeon server running Windows 2003 and pitted it against various Linux-enabled red hats, including fedoras, top-hats, baseball caps, and painted sombreros. In one test, it took only 0.00002 seconds for a particular spyware application to install itself on the Wintel box, while the Linux hat just sat there and refused to do anything. "Since installing spyware is such a major component of the typical computer experience these days, this test will be hard to ignore," explained the head of Microsoft's Benchmarking Lab, Mr. Spind Oktor. Later tests revealed much the same. "Linux on a red hat is absolutely worthless," the Microserf explained. "And this is just the beginning." The Vast Spy Network has already received preliminary copies of additional Microsoft "studies" comparing Windows 2003 to such Linux distros as Seuss Linux (embedded in children's books), Linux For Calderas (outdated port of Linux to volcanic ashes), Slackware Linux (running on ropes and cables), and even Linux From Scratch (runs on a Beowulf cluster of bandages). As expected, industry think tanks have already weighed in on the study. "We've been saying this all along -- Linux sucks," said Blort Blartner of the Blartner Group. "It's bad enough that Linux is an infectious form of Communism," said Mia Shill with the Alexis de Some Guy Institute. "Now we learn that Linux is absolutely worthless for common, everyday tasks... Capitalism outperforms Communism, and Windows outperforms Linux. The conclusion is obvious." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Jan 11 03:39:16 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CoBwA-00027G-RS; Tue, 11 Jan 2005 03:39:14 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 11 Jan 2005 03:37:45 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.181]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CoBuP-00026X-Jp for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 11 Jan 2005 03:37:25 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-002neomahp0051.dialsprint.net ([63.186.8.51] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CoBuH-0004pe-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 10 Jan 2005 18:37:18 -0800 Message-ID: <41E32CB7.2090509@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2005 19:32:39 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Mystery Company Hopes To Increase Malware Quality Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.1 required=5.0 tests=FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Mystery Company Hopes To Increase Malware Quality By Mikkel Kamstrup Erlandsen, kamstrup@daimi.au.dk January 10, 2005 The rain poured as I wandered the docks looking for Midnight Alley. This was the place I was told to be at exactly 23:37, to meet H4xWarez spokesman J. Doe. H4xWarez specializes in "various Internet related services" according to the promotional literature I obtained from their secret Gopher server (I promised not to reveal the server's IP number... as if anybody remembers how to use Gopher). An anonymous caller had hinted that it might prove an interesting article to investigate the newest H4xWarez technology. A man wearing sunglasses and a long black coat suddenly appeared next to me. With an intense whisper he said, "Keep moving... and don't look at me!" Here follows a transcription of my interview with J. Doe (not his real pseudonym): Q: What kind of software does H4xWarez provide? A: There is a growing demand for rock solid, portable malware. That's exactly what libbackdoor and the rest of our product suite will deliver. Q: But doesn't the Internet have enough malware as it is? A: Yes. But it's bad, low-quality malware. Most of it is riddled with serious bugs, like buffer overflows and uninitialized variables. Most of it will segfault after the tiniest bit of stress. In other words, it is easily exploited by other malware. For instance, in a matter of milliseconds, our libworm can easily take complete control over popular malware such as mydoom, blaster and sasser. Our product suite, with libbackdoor as our flagship, will provide reliable malware that runs on all platforms. Q: Tell me a bit about libbackdoor. A: 1? Q: No seriously... A: Well, with libbackdoor installed it will be a piece of cake to get external access to everything on the host, including root/administrator rights. This way we can install any range of products from the rest of our suite. Like libvirus. The smart thing is that libbackdoor only accepts H4XWarez malware ensuring that poorly written competitors can't use libbackdoor as an access point. Q: The name libbackdoor implies that it is a libraray, right? So will a user have to link his binaries against it? That seems awfully complicated. A: Yes. That is a point we are addressing at this very moment. One solution comes from an unnamed OS vendor who has shown interest in providing libbackdoor preinstalled. Unfortunately, their pending OS has been delayed over and over again. Q: What have been the major obstacles in writing solid malware? A: At the moment we are struggling heavily with our build machines constantly crashing. They are using 99-100% CPU power just running "ls" or "dir"; we are trying to figure out why. We have also been forced to rework our code from scratch several times because the hard drives in our servers keep getting wiped by unknown forces. Communication between our ha... programmers is also severely hampered by the skazillion megabytes of junk email they receive every day. Our libspam development team has been particularly hard hit. Q: With all the problems you are facing, when can we expect a stable release? A: I am sorry but I cannot reveal that. Q: Even off the record? A: Especially off the record. If you found out, I would have no choice but to kill you. And my technique is rather unpleasant -- it involves the command "dd if=/dev/urandom of=/dev/brain". Q: How did this all get started? A: Initially, we at H4xWarez wanted to produce a portable installation of ActiveX, but as we progressed, we eyed a bigger market. The rest is history. Q: Thank you. I think I've got enough here. A: No problem. Just remember, I wasn't here. You didn't see nothin'. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Jan 13 03:31:59 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CoumC-0004DH-Re; Thu, 13 Jan 2005 03:31:56 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Thu, 13 Jan 2005 03:30:46 +0100 (CET) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CoZYN-00035P-KU for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 12 Jan 2005 04:52:15 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-016neomahp0493.dialsprint.net ([63.190.97.239] helo=thecaperock.com) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CoZYG-0004xC-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 11 Jan 2005 19:52:09 -0800 Message-ID: <41E490E9.1020309@thecaperock.com> Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 20:52:25 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Google Introduces "Fake News" Portal Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.2 required=5.0 tests=AWL,FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@thecaperock.com Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Google Introduces "Fake News" Portal January 11, 2005 SILLYCON VALLEY -- It was only a matter of time. In response to the underground success of its news.google.com service, everybody's favorite search engine/kitchen sink company has now launched an alpha version of "fakenews.google.com", dedicated to showcasing only the finest in fake news stories (in other words, nothing from Humorix). "It's all here -- The Onion, The National Inquisitor, even the CBS Evening News With Dan Rather," a Google spokesperson explained over a cellphone while relaxing in the Google Massage Parlor & Open Bar Employee Lounge. "We want to open up parody and sarcasm to the world." Even though the alpha version is only accessible by "invitation only", some bloggers have already taken the time to criticize the new service. "It's obvious Google Fake News is biased," said the webmaster of MyRapidlyExpandingEgo.com. "I mean, just look at their top headlines -- all I see is parody. Meanwhile, sarcasm is buried five pages away. And there's precious little buffoonery or dark humor." The Google spokesperson (who by now is dining in the Google Culinary Arts & Gourmet Coffee Complex) explained, "Our current algorithm has difficulty distinguishing between fake sarcasm and real news. If you saw the headline, 'President Bush Outlines Iraq Strategery', would you treat that as straight news or as biting sarcasm?" He then added, on his way through the Google Zen Garden, "We are definitely aware of the limitations of current AI technology... We have assembled a crack team of Ph.D. graduates who are busy working on the problem in between rounds of poker at the Google Game Room & Procrastination Center." Google has been tight-lipped about its future plans. "We don't have any timeline for graduating Google Fake News from alpha to beta," the employee said after finally returning to his Office/Relaxation Chamber. "Not that it really matters. The existing Google News site will remain in beta until around 2038, unless one of our brilliant Ph.D. eggheads suddenly finds a way to make money from it." "By the way," he quickly added, "I was being sarcastic." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Jan 18 04:37:43 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CqkBY-0001RK-EP; Tue, 18 Jan 2005 04:37:40 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 18 Jan 2005 04:36:11 +0100 (CET) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Cqk9s-0001Pc-Vt for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 18 Jan 2005 04:35:57 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.180.88.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.180.88] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Cqk9o-0007ld-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 17 Jan 2005 19:35:52 -0800 Message-ID: <41EC8169.6090408@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 21:24:25 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] DRM Failure Causes Studio To Lose Entire Movie Production Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.1 required=5.0 tests=FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix DRM Failure Causes Studio To Lose Entire Movie Production January 17, 2005 HOLLYWOOD, CA -- If you were looking forward to the sequel of "Battlefield Earth", you'd better sit down for this. The entire movie production, including 95 hours of footage, was lost earlier this week in a catastrophic DRM (Draconian Restrictions Management) failure. "It's all gone," said the president of B-Movie Studios. "We lost everything. All of our copies of the film have been rendered useless because we lost the primary DRM key and we no longer have any legal way to decrypt our own content." Last year, the studio made headlines by becoming the first company to adopt the "BlindfoldVision(R)" encryption system to prevent employees and other hangers-on from leaking their movies before the release date. "I tried to warn people about all of the bugs in the BlindfoldVision system," said an anonymous underling at the studio. "But nobody would listen to me. I'm sure we could probably develop a way to decrypt our own movie, but that would clearly violate the DMCA and could result in deportation to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean." Don Revolta, the star of the movie, was relieved after hearing the news. "I only participated in this bomb because of contract obligations. Thank goodness for broken copy protection schemes! I never want this film to see the light of day..." The studio has threatened to sue DracoSoft, the company peddling the BlindfoldVision system. However, a DracoSoft spokesweasel said, "Our software does not contain bugs! It says so right here in our glossy product brochure!" After some prodding by this reporter, the spokesweasel finally admitted, "Okay, okay, it's possible that our solution contains an intermittent known issue... or twenty-three. However, our EULA clearly states that we are not legally responsible for any losses, even if we are technically responsible. So there!" An anonymous employee at DracoSoft commented off the record, "We could easily find a way for the studio to recover their footage. However, that would provide an opening for pirates to get ahold of other assets protected by BlindfoldVision, such as the soon-to-be-released prequel to 'Ishtar'. And that would be bad." The MPAA downplayed the severity of the situation. "This might seem like a failure for copy protection, but it is actually a clear demonstration that this technology really does work against pirates," said an MPAA lawyer with a straight face. "No longer will actors, directors, producers, gaffers, grips, and other movie industry employees need to fear going hungry because of evil pirates stealing their work." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Jan 21 03:52:55 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Crour-00043B-Pr; Fri, 21 Jan 2005 03:52:53 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 21 Jan 2005 03:51:10 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.181]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Crosq-00041e-Ij for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 21 Jan 2005 03:50:48 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.178.240.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.178.240] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Crosj-0006rf-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 20 Jan 2005 18:50:42 -0800 Message-ID: <41F05E21.4010609@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 19:42:57 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] California Imposes "Birth Tax" To Fight Piracy Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.1 required=5.0 tests=FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix California Imposes "Birth Tax" To Fight Piracy January 20, 2005 SACRAMENTO, CA -- Governator Schwarzenegger today signed legislation that will impose a $1,000 tax on each live birth within the People's Republic of California. The windfall will go to the IPHAA (Intellectual Property Hoarders Association of America) as compensation against future piracy committed by the newborn babies. "Our calculations indicate that the average person will engage in $1.2 million worth of copyright, trademark, and patent law violations during their lifetime," said Luxor E. Yott, spokesperson for the IPHAA. "This birth tax is a tiny baby step that will help to eliminate this horrible injustice." The IPHAA was recently created from the unholy alliance of the MPAA (movies), RIAA (music), BSA (Microsoft software), CPAA (crochet patterns), BIAA (blueprints), BSPRA (baseball statistics), LRAA (liquor recipes), FFSSIAA (fast-food secret sauces), Monsanto Corp. (agriculture), and Wal-Mart (everything else). "Education and re-education is the most effective way to stop people from stealing our precious intellectual property," the IPHAA spokesperson said. "We hope to use this money to create a mandatory public school curriculum spanning pre-school to high school to traffic school." He added, "You can never start too early... our new lesson plan for kindergarteners, entitled Spongebob Squarepants(R) Will Starve To Death If You Copy That File(tm), has been an absolute hit. We are also considering an in-womb education program that targets babies before they are even born." According to an "unbiased" study commissioned by the IPHAA, the average American aged 3 to 103 engages in "at least ten IP violations per day." Some of the more egregious crimes committed by ordinary people include: * Discussing baseball statistics on an Internet forum without the express written consent of Major League Baseball (implied oral consent doesn't count). "As a subsidiary of MLB, the Baseball Statistics Protection Racket of America is very strict about the unauthorized use of batting averages, win-loss records, and other proprietary facts," said the IPHAA spokeperson. "Just because you attended a game in person does not give you the right to talk about it to other people." * Making a scrapbook containing copyrighted newspaper or magazine clippings. "A copyright is a copyright. Some kooks like to talk about the so-called 'Fair Use Doctrine', but that's just an urban legend." [Editor's Note: The IPHAA graciously provided Humorix with a royalty-free license to publish the spokesperson's copyrighted words in this story.] * Humming more than three notes of a copyrighted song in public without paying a performance fee. * Allowing people to take photos of your home without prior consent from the architectural firm that designed the home's floorplan. "If people can take photos of these protected homes, then they will be able to recreate the floorplans and other design elements without compensating the original architects. That is so wrong it makes me want to spit." * Donating books to a library or charity without the permission of the publisher. * Sharing a single newspaper with other members of your family without buying additional copies or subscriptions. * Going to the bathroom or grabbing a snack during a TV commercial break. * Reselling used computer equipment at a yard sale without first wiping all copyrighted material from the hard drive. "And this is just the tip of the iceberg," the IPHAA spokesperson added. "Really, the $1,000 per baby tax is a bargain compared with the numerous violations that they will commit in just the first few years of life. People against this new tax are obviously anti-American Communist long-haird hippie tree-hugging freaks that want children to starve." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sat Jan 29 17:55:57 2005 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Cuvt4-0005Os-Cq; Sat, 29 Jan 2005 17:55:54 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sat, 29 Jan 2005 17:54:43 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.182]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Cuvre-0005ME-Cg for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sat, 29 Jan 2005 17:54:26 +0100 Received: from dialup-4.244.180.82.dial1.stlouis1.level3.net ([4.244.180.82] helo=ldd.net) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CuvrX-0001b7-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sat, 29 Jan 2005 08:54:20 -0800 Message-ID: <41FBBC06.3010500@ldd.net> Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2005 10:38:30 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Russia Donates Cyrillic Characters To Alleviate Acronym Shortage Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.1 required=5.0 tests=FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=no version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Russia Donates Cyrillic Characters To Alleviate Acronym Shortage January 29, 2005 In an international gesture of goodwill, the Russian government announced last week that it will help fight the worsening SAS (Severe Acronym Shortage) by donating several Cyrillic characters, with more on the way. "The acronym shortage could devastate the world economy if action is not taken soon," said a Russian government official. "The only solution is to increase the size of the alphabet available for acronyms." The Blartner Group has been warning about the impending ASC (Acronym Shortage Crisis) since 2002 [1]. "Most acronyms are written by English speakers limited to a paltry 26-letter alphabet," Blort Blartner explained. "It's no surprise that ANCs (Acronym Namespace Collisions) are occuring at a rapidly increasing rate. This will place a huge burden on the IT industry by hindering communication, potentially leading to a rupture of the very fabric of the entire GE (Global Econony, not General Electric)." In a recent survey by the American Association Against Acronym Abuse (AAAAA), 73% of people in computer-related fields admitted that they "had created an acronym within the last year that wasn't really necessary." Shockingly, 5% of participants acknowledged that they "might suffer an addiction to stringing new acronyms together as a form of entertainment." Said the AAAAA chairwoman, "Russia's bold move will help to disambiguate some acronyms, but it doesn't solve the root problem: the AN (Acronym Namespace) is simply too polluted by UACs (Unnecessary Acronym Creators). IMHO, this situation will require drastic measures, such as the creation of an AEPB (Acronym Environmental Protection Bureau)." However, the founder of the rival CNP (Coalition for Namespace Purity) argued, "Adding another bureaucracy never works. The new office will simply create a whole new regime of acronyms, such as requiring companies to submit an ACRF (Acronym Creation Request Form) and an EISFAC (Environment Impact Study For Acronym Creation) in the hopes of receiving an AACP (Approved Acronym Creation Permit)." Last month, the Internet Engineering Task Force (IETF) formally adopted RFC 10523, which will require all future RFCs to limit new acronyms to one per document. "If a namespace collision in unavoidable," the RFC states, "then an attempt must be made to recycle obsolete acronyms first. If that fails, then the new acronym must undergo NSD (Numeric Suffix Disambiguation). For instance, Xtreme Programming should be called 'XP-1' in order to avoid confusion with Microsoft's Xceptionally Pathetic operating system (Windows XP)." "The IETF needs to take full responsibility for the entire zoo of questionable acronyms that have been created by RFCs over the last decades," said one IETF participant. "It is imperative that we reuse archaic acronyms like 'UUCP' and 'ARCHIE' and assign them more productive meanings." It isn't just the computer industry that faces a threat from the acronym shortage. The USAF (United States Air Force) has probably created more new acronyms than another other institution in history. "This is no laughing matter," said a USAF PAO (Public Affairs Officer). "Last year we nearly suffered an SSS (Significant Security Situation) when an MRE (Meal Ready to Eat) was mistaken for an MRE (Massive Radioactive Explosive). This kind of problem could prove catastrophic in a combat situation." The PAO added, "The Pentagon has already launched an ARC (Acronym Review Committee) to weed out ORAs (Obsolete or Redundant Acronyms). In addition, the entire US military will now encourage of the use of abbreviations instead of acronyms for CritOps (Critical Operations) and StratInts (Strategic Initiatives). While we appreciate the help offered by the Russian government, we believe we can solve this problem without the need to outsource our language." [1] http://humorix.org/articles/2002/05/acronyms/ -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/