From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Wed Nov 10 06:22:46 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CRkwK-0004IZ-72; Wed, 10 Nov 2004 06:22:40 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Wed, 10 Nov 2004 06:21:15 +0100 (CET) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CRkua-0004HH-OE for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 10 Nov 2004 06:20:52 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-018neomahp0356.dialsprint.net ([63.190.113.102] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CRkuU-0000mB-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 09 Nov 2004 21:20:46 -0800 Message-ID: <41918502.4040904@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 09 Nov 2004 21:03:30 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Survey: Windows Users Prefer Crashes Over Exploits Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-1.6 required=5.0 tests=AWL autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Survey: Windows Users Prefer Crashes Over Exploits November 9, 2004 In a new survey sure to generate over 1,000 Slashdot comments, a majority of Windows users admitted that they pine for the "good old days" when the Blue Screen of Death was the greatest problem, not viruses, spyware, phishing, and security holes. The survey, conducted by Swag & Fudgers Polling Inc., suggests that many users would willingly downgrade to Windows 98 or even 3.1 if they could. "I wish I had never joked about the bluescreen," said one survey participant. "Windows XP is now more stable, but that just means the bad guys have 24/7 access to my personal information and spare CPU cycles. Is this really progress? I want my Windows For Workgroups 3.11 back!" According to the survey, 74% of participants rated recent Windows versions as "much less likely to crash for no good reason," but 85% agreed that "Windows XP security makes Swiss cheese look solid." "I'm beginning to think that Windows 95 was the high-water mark for Microsoft innovation," said study author Dr. B. S. Swag. "Why can't we go back to 1995?" "Back in my day, we used a crufty windowing system grafted on top of MS-DOS and WE LIKED IT!" ranted Mr. Curr Mudgeon, an old fart I found hanging out at the local coffee house during Senior Discount Day. "We didn't have to put up with any of this modern-day nonsense about firewalls, service packs, and mail programs that do everything except send mail." The rant continued, "With Windows XP, you can't win. If you don't install SP2, then the only way to secure your computer is to unplug the Ethernet cable -- and the power cord, just to be safe. But if you do install SP2, then you have to pray to Murphy that all of your custom-developed applications won't suffer a spectacular meltdown." Another coffee-gulping senior at the table chimed in quietly, "This is strictly off the record, but I was able to track down a vintage copy of Windows 3.11 on the black market. I installed it on my Celeron, and now it only takes 0.2 seconds to launch Windows... and Solitaire has never been more responsive! I feel sorry for all those poor schmucks still using Windows XP... but, hey, you've got to have good connections to obtain vintage software without getting in trouble with the Authoritarian Software Bullies[1]." [1] http://humorix.org/articles/2003/03/mobsters/ -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Nov 23 03:42:30 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CWQdQ-0007Nm-7y; Tue, 23 Nov 2004 03:42:28 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 23 Nov 2004 03:41:11 +0100 (CET) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CWQbw-0007Mh-Pa for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 23 Nov 2004 03:40:56 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-015neomahp0333.dialsprint.net ([63.190.81.79] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CWQbp-0006i6-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 22 Nov 2004 18:40:50 -0800 Message-ID: <41A2998F.6080602@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 22 Nov 2004 19:59:43 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Mobsters Enrolling In Law Schools By The Thousands Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-1.4 required=5.0 tests=AWL autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Mobsters Enrolling In Law Schools By The Thousands November 22, 2004 In yet another sign that the Lawyerclysm is approaching, a large number of mobsters have decided to quit organized crime and instead pursue careers in patent law. "Sure, organized crime is profitable, but patent lawyers make a lot more money -- and it's all legal," explained Johnny Isawnutten, a former loan shark that recently enrolled in law school. "And when was the last time a lawyer was found at the bottom of Lake Michigan wearing cement shoes?" According to statistics compiled by the Federal Bureau of Tracking People Because We Can, nearly 3,000 former mobsters are in the process of earning law degrees. What is far more disturbing, however, is the fact that 1,523 of their friends have already been admitted to the bar. "A lawyer armed with a briefcase can steal more money than ten thousand bookies combined," said Shiff T. Ayes of Chicago. "It's obvious that my father -- the founder of a very profitable protection racket -- picked the wrong line of work. For one thing, the 76 bullet holes he suffered last year were a direct result of his dubious career..." Experts have mixed feelings about the trend. "The last thing we need is more lawyers," said a researcher for the Federal Commission For Micromanaging Everything. "Smugglers, bookies, money launderers, racketeers, hired goons, and other mobsters all play a role in the national economy. But most lawyers represent a black hole that harms commerce -- court settlements go in, but nothing comes out." "For decades this country has tried every possible tactic to break up organized crime families," said one criminologist. "But is this really worth it? With this many additional lawyers running around, innocent people will be involved in hundreds of questionable lawsuits during their lifetime. I'd rather risk the occasional shootout than face a pile of 255 new subpoenas every day." In possibly related news, the fledgling nation of Humorixia, that shining geek island paradise in the Pacific where lawyers are banned, has seen a massive surge of immigration. "If we don't find a way to expand -- such as conquering a nearby island to become Humorixia 2.0 -- then we will have to start cracking down on illegal immigrants," announced Jon Splatz, Benevolent Dictator of Humorixia. "We don't want to turn people away, but we might have no choice." He added, "According to the Holy Readme, we've reached the Tenth Stage of the Approaching Lawyerclysm, that cataclysmic future when every occupation is outlawed worldwide except for attorneys... Things aren't going to get any better soon unless every patent lawyer on the planet were to spontaneously combust tomorrow. And even that would only be a start." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Nov 25 00:58:26 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CX71j-0004DH-8S; Thu, 25 Nov 2004 00:58:23 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Thu, 25 Nov 2004 00:57:02 +0100 (CET) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CX70A-0004CU-Rb for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 25 Nov 2004 00:56:47 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-018neomahp0228.dialsprint.net ([63.190.112.228] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CX703-0001So-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 24 Nov 2004 15:56:40 -0800 Message-ID: <41A3FD67.5070607@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 23 Nov 2004 21:17:59 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] The Hottest New Distribution: LinuXXX Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-1.3 required=5.0 tests=AWL autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix The Hottest New Distribution: LinuXXX November 23, 2004 LAS VEGAS -- Described as the world's first "pornographic operating system," a new Linux distribution called LinuXXX was unveiled earlier today at a press conference in the lobby of a Las Vegas hotel. Sales of the distro have been... well, hot. "Why didn't I think of this?" said a Linux groupie who waited in line to purchase a limited edition LinuXXX boxed set (with discreet brown paper bag) for $69.95. "This will be the perfect addition to my bachelor pad of doom." The co-creator of LinuXXX, Eric Hefner, said that the inspiration for the all-porn OS came from the Ubuntu Linux distribution. "When Ubuntu revealed their original cleavage-enhanced splash screen, I knew the world was ready for a Triple-X operating system." But LinuXXX contains much more than scandalous splash screens and desktop wallpaper. A special kernel module implements a stealth TCP/IP stack called ARMCHAIR (Adult Reading Material Completely Hidden Advanced Interface Regulator) that makes it possible to download pornographic material over a public network without detection. "ARMCHAIR uses steganography to embed the... um... content inside legitimate HTTP traffic," Hefner explained. "A packet sniffer would think you were accessing Google, when in fact you were downloading from... well, I don't want to reveal my favorite source." Another important feature is the PANIC mode (also called the WIFE mode), which will immediately hide anything incriminating from the filesystem and memory when the user hits a certain key combination. "Since this is a kernel-level feature," Hefner said, "It can fool commands like df into thinking that the /usr/porn folder is actually /usr/lib. Until you enter the right password, absolutely all traces of you-know-what will be invisible." With 10,000 copies sold in the first week, LinuXXX has already surpassed the market share of Slackware 1.0. But while the future looks very bright, some pessimists are pessimistic. "Once Linux and open source developers get ahold of this, they won't have time for hacking anymore," said a pundit. "Any operating system that lets you type 'porn-get install boobies' is going to be a serious drain on productivity, which could cripple the entire free software movement and hand Bill Gates yet another victory. We can't let that happen." However, not everybody is worried about this threat. Said one early LinuXXX adopter, "This kind of innovative software actually lengthens my... er... attention span and increases my productivity. I can have Hot Babe[1] open in one xterm while programming in another. That's the beauty of multitasking..." Everybody else who has installed LinuXXX was, for obvious reasons, unavailable for comment at press time. Cody "EEDOK" Hollis-Perdue contributed to this report. [1] http://dindinx.net/hotbabe/index.php -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Nov 26 04:12:05 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CXWWh-0003dy-BN; Fri, 26 Nov 2004 04:12:03 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 26 Nov 2004 04:10:50 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.182]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CXWVB-0003cy-Ft for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 26 Nov 2004 04:10:29 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-011neomahp0457.dialsprint.net ([63.189.41.203] helo=ldd.net) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CXWV6-0001Q1-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 25 Nov 2004 19:10:25 -0800 Message-ID: <41A6844A.4000801@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 25 Nov 2004 19:18:02 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Humorix Receives Donation From Microsoft Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-1.4 required=5.0 tests=AWL autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Humorix Receives Donation From Microsoft Press Release, For Immediate Release November 25, 2004 REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft Corp. (Nasdaq: MSFT), the world's most profitable, successful, and ethical software company in the Universe, is pleased to announce a $20 donation to Humorix (Nasdaq: Delisted), a tech-oriented humor website. "We now love Microsoft," said Mr. G. E. Trich, Humorix's Chief Accountant & Executive Book Cooker. "As a result of this deal, the Humorix website will soon be upgraded to feature new Microsoft-friendly content. In the meantime, the staff has been invited to a quiet retreat at the Microsoft Re-Education Center in Redmond." The transaction comes on the heels of several charitable contributions given by Microsoft to such organizations as Apple, Sun, CCIA, and many more. "We are the world leader in philanthropy and goodwill," said the Microsoft Vice President of Manufacturing Positive Public Relations. "Our mission is to use these inducements to unite the software industry under the banner of the Microsoft Way... We hope to convert hostile enemies into friendly supplicants." "It's obvious that our attacks on Microsoft during the last five years have been terribly misguided," said James Baughn, Humorix founder and personal recipient of a generous $9.50 benefaction from Microsoft. "I'm a born-again Windows fan." "This groundbreaking agreement will redefine the tech-related fake news industry and help the children," stated another Humorix staffer. "I'm looking forward to embracing the One Microsoft Way and learning about all of the innovative technology I have missed because of my ill-placed allegiance to the inferior Linux platform." After the transition, both of Humorix's regular readers can look forward to upgraded humor articles, such as: * Nine Out Of Ten Terrorists Prefer Linux * Open Source Or Open Sores? The Answer Is Obvious * Can You Trust Your Company To Software Produced By Hackers Who Can Be Easily Bought By The Competition? * Stuck At Zero RPM: Why Linux Package Management Sucks * Linux Is A United Nations Conspiracy To Destroy America * For Every Dollar The Open Source Community Has Donated To Charities, Bill Gates Has Given $1.6 Trillion * GNU/Linux GNU/Users GNU/Sick GNU/Of GNU/Richard GNU/M. GNU/Stallman * SCO's Lawsuit Is So Strong Microsoft Didn't Need To Give Them Any Money * Study: Windows Users Enjoy Better, More Frequent Sex * Groklaw Demonstrates The Power Of Clueless Groupthink * Blartner Group Uncovers Thousands Of Examples Of People Fired For Choosing Linux * Study: Linux Total Cost Of Ownership Is Lower... If You Have 28 Hours Per Day Available To Fix Weird Problems For Free * Historian: If It Wasn't For Patent Protection, Edison Wouldn't Have Bothered To Invent The Lightbulb * Linux's Criminal Disdain For Patents Is Patently Offensive * Flightless Bird An Excellent Mascot Choice For Flightless Operating System * FreeBSD Designed By People With Too Much Free LSD * Comparison: Windows XP vs. Red Hat Linux 5.1 * Red Hat: An Obvious Reference To Communism * The GPL Takes Away Your Freedom To Use Microsoft Solutions * Using Old Linux CD-ROMs As Drink Coasters HOWTO * Windows Source Code Most Valuable Asset In World History; Insured At 19.3 Quadrillion Dollars * Myth Exposed: Slashdot Effect Crashes More Apache Servers Than IIS * Linux Groupies Paranoid About Microsoft World Domination Need To Seek Professional Treatment For Schizophrenia The Humorix upgrade should be complete by the end of the year, with a special preview edition available by December 15 for registered members of the Microsoft Vast Fan Club(R) (formerly the Humorix Vast Spy Network). Microsoft can be reached using MSN at www.microsoft.com. Humorix can now be reached at supplicants.microsoft.com/humorix/default.aspx. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Nov 30 06:06:09 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CZ0DH-0004wx-3L; Tue, 30 Nov 2004 06:06:07 +0100 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 30 Nov 2004 06:04:50 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.181]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1CZ0Bf-0004A9-WE for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 30 Nov 2004 06:04:28 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-018neomahp0096.dialsprint.net ([63.190.112.96] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1CZ0BY-0006tK-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 29 Nov 2004 21:04:22 -0800 Message-ID: <41ABE68D.9020707@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 29 Nov 2004 21:18:37 -0600 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Reports Of Humorix's Assimilation Have Been Greatly Exaggerated Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, score=0.1 required=5.0 tests=FORGED_RCVD_HELO autolearn=unavailable version=3.0.1 X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.0.1 (2004-10-22) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Reports Of Humorix's Assimilation Have Been Greatly Exaggerated November 29, 2004 HUMORIX WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- In a statement issued today, the management of Humorix flatly denied allegations that the company received a bribe from Microsoft in exchange for adopting a pro-Windows editorial stance. "We have not received any kickbacks, stipends, emoluments, bribes, premiums, payments, payola, disbursements, remittances, allowances, hush money, graft, or other currency transactions from Microsoft," stated Humorix founder James Baughn. "The Humorix reporter that posted the original story was... well, slightly mistaken." Both regular Humorix readers were elated by the news. "Boy was I worried!" said Regular Reader #0. "My day isn't complete without a little Microsoft bashing and Linux advocacy." Said Reader #1, "The story proclaimed that the Humorix-Microsoft deal was a 'groundbreaking agreement.' I couldn't agree more... Humorix was breaking ground for its own grave. Anybody that voluntarily has promiscuous relations with Microsoft deserves to get sick and die. It's good to see that won't happen." However, some cynics have used the opportunity to attack Humorix. Said one, "This whole episode was a ploy to fill up space to cover up for their outbreak of writers' block. The use of lame meta-humor is really a sign of desperation. And don't even get me started about meta-meta-humor..." Nevertheless, we here at Humorix pride ourselves on quality fake news. But even though the story about Microsoft was, indeed, a fabrication, it still crossed the line. Some things are simply too unbelievable to publish. As a result, we have disciplined the reporter with a CLUESTICK (Cranial Laceration User Enhancement System To Impart Critical Knowledge). We sincerely apologize for any confusion and heart attacks. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/