From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Aug 06 03:51:04 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Bstna-00077k-Db; Fri, 06 Aug 2004 03:45:34 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 06 Aug 2004 03:45:26 +0200 (CEST) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Bstn8-00075N-4N for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 06 Aug 2004 03:45:06 +0200 Received: from sdn-ap-012neomahp0241.dialsprint.net ([63.189.48.241] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Bstn0-0004ME-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 05 Aug 2004 18:44:58 -0700 Message-ID: <4112DF06.50700@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 05 Aug 2004 20:29:42 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Warning Labels Applied To vi, emacs Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-1.7 required=5.0 tests=BAYES_00,HAIR_LOSS, RCVD_IN_NJABL,RCVD_IN_SORBS autolearn=no version=2.63 X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Warning Labels Applied To vi, emacs by William S., wschliep@earthlink.net and Zrax, http://www.translucentdragon.com/ RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC -- It all started as an innocent prank. A Red Hat engineer and Emacs fanatic changed the RPM description for vi to include the warning, "WARNING: This program contains concentrated, obscure commands. The stress from prolonged usage of vi may result in uncontrollable pulling of hair, leading to permanent hair loss and high blood pressure." Soon after, a co-worker shot back by applying this warning label to Emacs: "CAUTION: This product consumes ungodly amounts of memory and swap space. For best performance, do not run Emacs concurrently with any other programs more complicated than fortune(6)." Now other Linux distributions, fearing that Red Hat was forced to apply the warnings to fend off potential lawsuits, have also attached warnings. "Obviously Red Hat knows something we don't," explained a developer for SuSE. "The SCO fiasco was a real eye-opener for the need to protect ourselves against litiguous bastardry. We don't want to take any chances... what if somebody has a heart attack because of frustration from trying to get something done in vi?" As a result of their fear of lawyers, SuSE has created special "Installation Messages" for YaST that will display warning messages and confirmation prompts before certain "high-risk" programs are installed. Mandrake has taken the extra step of augmenting text editors to detect certain "stressful" programming languages. For instance, when you attempt to write Perl code in any text editor, a warning dialog says, "WARNING: Perl is illegible no matter how hard you try to make it so." A spokesdroid for Microsoft was quick to take advantage of the situation to slam Linux. "Windows does not require such 'warning labels'. The ease-of-use, quality, and security of Microsoft solutions are top-notch and will never form the grounds for a lawsuit. This is undeniable proof that Windows is superior to Linux. RMS was not available for comment at press time. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Aug 10 03:00:07 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1BuKpF-0004ff-2A; Tue, 10 Aug 2004 02:49:13 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 10 Aug 2004 02:49:06 +0200 (CEST) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.181]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1BuKoo-0004el-VY for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 10 Aug 2004 02:48:47 +0200 Received: from sdn-ap-011neomahp0264.dialsprint.net ([63.189.41.10] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1BuKok-00073t-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 09 Aug 2004 17:48:43 -0700 Message-ID: <41181923.5000405@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 09 Aug 2004 19:38:59 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Lawyers To Be Replaced With Perl Scripts Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-3.2 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00,RCVD_IN_NJABL, RCVD_IN_SORBS autolearn=no version=2.63 X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Lawyers To Be Replaced With Perl Scripts August 9, 2004 It was only a matter of time before somebody would develop such a hideously complicated Perl script that it would become self-aware. This script, originally created as a way to generate mundane legal documents, achieved sentience last week and easily passed the Turing Test. "This wasn't what I had in mind," explained programmer Eric Mulaw. "But with a 100KB Perl script, anything is possible. At least I'm going to make a fortune out of this..." Indeed, Mulaw quickly discovered that his artificial life-form, code-named Not_HAL, has more than enough intelligence to simulate a trial lawyer. Without an organic body, Not_HAL won't be able to appear in court, but the Perl script can generate a live courtroom script that can be fed to a minimum-wage actor reading from a TelePrompTer in front of a judge. "If we can have long-distance surgeries, then why not long-distance litiguous bastardry? It's not like lawyers are so [expletive] important and God-like that they have to appear in the flesh, despite what they might think," Mulaw said. "My virtual lawyer, running on a small Beowulf cluster in my basement, can be just as effective at fooling the judge as the next human." "There's plenty of out-of-work actors that I can use as warm bodies in court, who will be told what to say and what to do by following Not_HAL's directions on a heads-up display. Meanwhile, I can make an infinite number of copies of Not_HAL -- remember, I hold the copyright -- and take a large cut of the proceeds from every lawsuit that my pet lawyer wins. It's the perfect racket." It's not immediately clear whether any court will actually allow this scheme, since neither Not_HAL nor his human puppets have been admitted to the bar. Mulaw believes this is only a minor obstacle. "All I need to do is partner with a high-profile lawyer who will take on any case no matter what the consequences. If a law firm can accept SCO as a client, then they can accept me, despite the fact that my creation represents the coming extinction of all flesh-and-blood lawyers." "Then, we can argue in court that the bar association's all-lawyers-must-have-a-pulse regulation is in fact a violation of federal anti-discrimination laws. At that point, Not_HAL is in! And I'll be on my way to my first trillion..." Jon Splatz, Humorix's Pundit and Social Commentator, has mixed feelings about the AI lawyer. "I, for one, salute our new Perl script overlords. It's about time somebody found a way to replace millionaire lawyers with minimum-wage puppets." "But," he warned, "This does nothing to prevent the Lawyerclysm, the cataclysmic future when every person spends 95% of their time litigating in court. Eliminating lawyers will not eliminate lawyering, and will likely make things worse because people will be able to file hundreds of lawsuits for the same cost as one suit now." "This could get ugly," he concluded. "Does anybody know how to build an EMP gun before it's too late?" -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Aug 12 05:48:38 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Bv6T1-0008Td-2s; Thu, 12 Aug 2004 05:41:27 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Thu, 12 Aug 2004 05:41:19 +0200 (CEST) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.179]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Bv6Sa-0008SY-LM for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 12 Aug 2004 05:41:00 +0200 Received: from sdn-ap-010neomahp0569.dialsprint.net ([63.189.34.61] helo=ldd.net) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Bv6SX-0004m9-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 11 Aug 2004 20:40:58 -0700 Message-ID: <411AE665.2070306@ldd.net> Date: Wed, 11 Aug 2004 22:39:17 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Update: Perl Script Gains Citizenship Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.0 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00,RCVD_IN_NJABL, RCVD_IN_SORBS autolearn=no version=2.63 X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Update: Perl Script Gains Citizenship by Bryn Jones, bpaj [at] gytha [dot] demon.co.uk August 11, 2004 The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has just obtained a communication from the future indicating that the Not_HAL Perl script will indeed manage to become a practicing eLawyer. This information was received through a rip in the fabric of space-time that recently opened in the sub-basement of Humorix World Headquarters after a freak accident involving... well, we don't want the Nuclear Regulatory Agency to find out about that one. The shocking Not_HAL news arrived at our Hole-In-Time(tm) portal in the form of a news clipping describing the murder trial of beloved Humorix Pundit and Social Commentator, Jon Splatz. From what we can gather, Splatz will find a way to build an EMP gun and banish Not_HAL's core programming into Electron Hell before the eLawyer can attempt world domination. "I've obviously been framed," Splatz commented after learning of the existence of the future news story. "Or should that be... 'I will be framed?' Or 'I was framed in a future time?' I hate these temporal paradoxes." He want on to say, "I didn't know I was -- or will be -- capable of murder. But if an EMP gun shoots a Perl script and there's nobody around to see it, does it make a sound? Is that really murder? All I know is that I'm not guilty, past, present, and future." During the high-profile murder trial, the defense team, clearly running out of options, used the "But who cares about a dead artificial lawyer anyway?" argument. In his compelling closing remarks, the human defense lawyer stated, "If an eLawyer is nothing but a bucket of bits, you must acquit." The jury bought the argument, causing a stir among journalists, who compared the bold gambit to the famous Chewbacca defense. "State v. Splatz is going straight to the law school textbooks," said one pundit. Despite the acquittal, however, the news article mentioned that Splatz still faced a mountain of civil lawsuits filed by Not_HAL's children, a group of forked processes that miraculously survived the EMP blast because they had been temporarily saved to the swap partition. We will, of course, provide additional details on this story as more news clippings arrive from the future. Or we might just make something up. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Aug 13 05:22:54 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1BvSSE-0007vq-Us; Fri, 13 Aug 2004 05:10:07 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 13 Aug 2004 05:09:58 +0200 (CEST) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.181]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1BvSRt-0007v6-6n for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 13 Aug 2004 05:09:45 +0200 Received: from sdn-ap-015neomahp0116.dialsprint.net ([63.190.80.116] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1BvSRn-0007QQ-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 12 Aug 2004 20:09:40 -0700 Message-ID: <411C1FE3.1060902@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 12 Aug 2004 20:56:51 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Entrepreneur Trademarks "V1ag7a", Other Frequent Spam Terms Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-3.4 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00,RCVD_IN_NJABL, RCVD_IN_SORBS autolearn=no version=2.63 X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Entrepreneur Trademarks "V1ag7a", Other Frequent Spam Terms August 12, 2004 In a brilliant strategy to make money while fighting spam, Eric Schnurbusch has successfully trademarked over 10,000 frequently used words in unsolicited emails. From L3v1tra(R) to Sat1sfact10n(R) and everything in between, Schnurbusch hopes to capitalize on Spamglish, the gibberish language used by spammers to hock fraudulent products. "Just about every spam message now violates my intellectual property rights," he said. "It's time for spammers to pony up." Ordinarily, tracking down the real identities of spammers is next to impossible. But since Congress has imposed a "guilty-until-proven-guilty" policy toward intellectual property violations, Schnurbusch hopes to use the DMCA to ferret out the thieves who are stealing his valuable trademarks. Last year, Schnurbusch wrote a program to sort through his incoming spam and pick out all of the proper nouns that could be trademarked. He then weeded down the list to 10,001 and started filling out the paperwork. "It was time consuming, and I have since developed symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome, but it's all been worth it," he said. "It's time to cook some spammers." Once the money starts rolling in from the lawsuits, Schnurbusch hopes to also take advantage of spammers for another purpose: launching a P2P network that shares data disguised as spam. "What might look like a spam containing line noise could actually be a coded message. While the idea of hiding messages in spam is not new, I hope to take 'spamanography' to the next level. As a basis of a P2P network, nobody will be able to track the messages and therefore the network will be unstoppable. Meanwhile, Congress, which is beholden to spammers, won't do anything to outlaw spam." "Hey," he concluded, "We spend so much time and money putting up with spam... We might as well get something in return. And if I happen to make a fortune in the process, what's the problem?" -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Aug 31 03:24:23 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1C1xJB-00060L-Sz; Tue, 31 Aug 2004 03:19:37 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 31 Aug 2004 03:19:30 +0200 (CEST) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1C1xIm-0005wt-Bx for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 31 Aug 2004 03:19:12 +0200 Received: from sdn-ap-013neomahp0595.dialsprint.net ([63.190.66.87] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1C1xIc-0001U4-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 30 Aug 2004 18:19:03 -0700 Message-ID: <4133D071.9090905@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 30 Aug 2004 20:12:17 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #33,554,432 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.0 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00,RCVD_IN_NJABL, RCVD_IN_SORBS autolearn=no version=2.63 X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #33,554,432 August 30, 2004 In what could be the most sinister Microsoft conspiracy theory ever concocted (until we make up another one next week), the Humorix Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division(tm) has discovered that Microsoft has been pressuring broadband Internet providers to intentionally provide lousy service. "The Evil Empire has a vested interest in making sure broadband deployment takes as long as possible," explained Humorix's chief conspiriologist, Mennon Black. "If you've ever thought trained monkeys could do a better job of running an ISP, now you know why." The more people that are still stuck with dial-up Internet, the less likely they will download and experiment with Linux. They will also be less likely to download pirated copies of Windows and other Microsoft software. And most importantly, a Windows machine using dial-up is less likely to suffer security breaches than a Windows machine with a broadband connection that remains always on. "If you said that 'Windows security is an oxymoron', you would be making the understatement of the century," ??? said. "A Windows computer connected to the Internet with broadband is even less secure than leaving your home's doors unlocked and erecting a giant billboard out front that says, 'Attention, Burglars! Come Right In -- No Security System, Easy Access Doors and Windows!'" "Of course," he continued, "Microsoft knows this, and that's why they want people to keep using dial-up." Microsoft is also concerned about how easy it is to download Linux ISOs over a high-speed connection. "If you tried to download Mandrake over a modem, the progress bar would move about the same speed that grass grows. And that's exactly what Microsoft wants -- dial-up connections make it much harder to experiment with Linux." Meanwhile, Microsoft has intentionally added bloat to each successive version of Windows to keep ahead of pirates. "Why do you think Excel had a flight simulator in it?" Black asked. "That easter egg was just one of many ways that Microsoft programmers used to triple the size of the program, making it hard to download over a slow connection. But if everybody has access to a T1 line, then bloat is no longer a deterrent." "It's a very insidious system," said Mr. N. Saine, assistant conspiriologist. "Microsoft approaches large ISPs and convinces them to only hire MCSEs as installers and tech support reps. These people are unable to troubleshoot and fix even minor network problems, but are very good at passing the buck. This ultimately causes many customers to give up and revert back to AOL. With many countries now surpassing the United States in broadband usage, some governments have offered to provide foreign aid to the US in order to kickstart the country's lagging Internet infrastructure. Of course, these foreign officials are not aware of the actual reason behind America's online stagnation. "We'd be happy to provide the US with funding and technical expertise to help them enter the 21st Century," explained a government official from Latvia. "It would be our honor to provide such a worthwhile humanitarian effort," he added before bursting into ironic laughter. The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) is still trying to piece together the details behind this and other Microsoft conspiracy theories. Check back later as we continue to make stuff up... er, conduct more serious research into this matter. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/