From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Jul 02 03:12:22 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1BgCZt-0002dE-02; Fri, 02 Jul 2004 03:10:57 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 02 Jul 2004 03:10:50 +0200 (CEST) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1BgCZR-0002c0-4z for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Fri, 02 Jul 2004 03:10:29 +0200 Received: from sdn-ap-011neomahp0429.dialsprint.net ([63.189.41.175] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1BgCZD-00052s-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 01 Jul 2004 18:10:15 -0700 Message-ID: <40E4B487.6050408@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 20:04:07 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Windows Reinstallations In About An Hour Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=0.2 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_30,RCVD_IN_NJABL,RCVD_IN_ORBS, USER_AGENT_MOZILLA_UA version=2.55 X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.55 (1.174.2.19-2003-05-19-exp) X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Windows Reinstallations In About An Hour July 1, 2004 TACOMA, WA -- With 6 stores already in operation and 50 more planned, entrepreneur Eric Gelding has discovered the perfect money-making operation: fixing broken Windows installations while customers wait. "We've all seen the promises of eyeglasses in about an hour, of 60 minute photo labs, and of 15 minute oil changes," Gelding said. "So why not computer fixes while you wait?" The business idea is rather creative, although the name, "Window Washers, Inc.", is certainly not. For a small fee, Gelding's legion of reinstallation experts will backup up your data and programs, wipe all of the malware from the hard drive, install a fresh copy of Windows, and restore your personal files. "When you use Windows, regular maintenance is a must," he said. "Just think of our Wapid Window Wiping(tm) service as an oil change for your computer. Sure, you might be able to go without an oil change in your car for a long time, but eventually things will catch up to you. The same is true for Windows. I recommend 3 months or 30 reboots between services." Gelded developed the idea after his father called one day and said that his computer was running slower than molasses on a glacier during a George Dubya Bush speech. "It was obvious that my dad -- who for some inexplicable reason refuses to use anything except Internet Explorer and Outlook Express -- had managed to infect his PC with an overflowing amount of malware. It was then that he said, 'My car has millions of moving parts and yet I don't have to put up with crap like this. Why are computers so damn fragile?'" "By the end of the week, the first Window Washers store was in operation," he concluded. Business has been booming, prompting Gelding to temporarily change his guarantee to "Reinstallations In About Three Hours" because of the long line of customers that spill out of the waiting room each day. He hopes that he can open new locations fast enough to satisfy demand before any competing businesses start to emerge. However, Gelding's biggest fear is not competition, but non-Microsoft operating systems. "If Linux and Mac OS X gain marketshare, then my pool of potential customers will shrink. Long live Microsoft and insecure computing!" -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Jul 15 03:13:56 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1BkunV-0004td-8N; Thu, 15 Jul 2004 03:12:29 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Thu, 15 Jul 2004 03:12:22 +0200 (CEST) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.179]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Bkun6-0004sp-T0 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 15 Jul 2004 03:12:05 +0200 Received: from sdn-ap-012neomahp0648.dialsprint.net ([63.189.50.140] helo=ldd.net) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Bkun2-0004Ut-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 14 Jul 2004 18:12:00 -0700 Message-ID: <40F5D895.4030104@ldd.net> Date: Wed, 14 Jul 2004 20:06:29 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Blames DOJ For Internet Explorer Security Holes Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=0.1 required=5.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_30,RCVD_IN_NJABL,RCVD_IN_ORBS, USER_AGENT_MOZILLA_UA version=2.55 X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.55 (1.174.2.19-2003-05-19-exp) X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Microsoft Blames DOJ For Internet Explorer Security Holes July 14, 2004 REDMOND, WA -- It's all Janet Reno's fault. That's the executive summary of a press conference held today at the Microsoft campus in response to the growing criticism that Microsoft couldn't design a secure application if Bill Gates' life depended on it. "The Feds attempted to destroy our freedom to innovate, and now look what's happened," explained Microserf spokesperson Megan Shill. "The court case left us little choice but to bundle Internet Explorer into Windows, a move that was litigation-wise but security-poor. Thanks a lot, Janet Reno and David Boies." The Microserf continued, "To all of the greedy lawyers that jumped on the bandwagon to file class action lawsuits against us: You should be directing your attention to the Federal government. They have caused more harm through their anti-Capitalism, anti-Adam Smith, anti-prosperity, anti-freedom witch hunt than anybody else." "So the next time an IE vulnerability allows an ActiveX applet to wipe your hard drive and turn your PC into a repository for child porn, just remember this: Microsoft is not responsible. We wanted to do the right thing. We have very talented programmers. But we had to throw all those good intentions and talent out of the Windows -- pardon the pun -- in order to satisfy the DOJ's warped interpretation of the Sherman Anti-Trust Act." In conclusion, the spokesdroid said, "Laissez-faire Capitalism is the only way to produce safe software. If we allow unchecked regulation of the software industry, the terrorists will win and blow up our children." After the speech, the floor was opened to some pre-screened questions from pre-screened members of the press. "The Mozilla browser has experienced far less problems than IE... How can you explain that?" asked a reporter for KFUD-FM, a Clearly Awful Channel radio station. The answer had already been scripted. "Oh, that's easy. Mozilla is broken -- it doesn't handle ActiveX, it doesn't support the latest DHTML-powered websites, and it is only compatible with exactly one online banking site in the entire world. So Mozilla's alleged security is a moot point. It's like talking about the security of a computer stored in a vault at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean without a power suppy -- sure, it's secure, but you can't do anything with it. So what good is that?" Another reporter, this time representing KRAP-AM, a Clearly Awful property, asked, "What do you suggest Internet Explorer users do to protect themselves while online?" "I recommend only visiting websites that sport the Microsoft-approved logo," replied the spokesshill. "Our staff has personally inspected a large variety of websites that ensure that they do not take advantage of any known IE security holes. This might eliminate a portion of the Internet, but there's still plenty of sites that bear the Bill Gates Personal Seal of Approval(R)(patent pending), such as MSN and Slate.com." Finally, the spokesweasel had time to field one more question from a reporter for KDUD-AM, the only channel in the region not owned (for now) by Clearly Awful. "What plans does Microsoft have to improve the security of Explorer?" "Well, we actually have no plans to produce a new version of Internet Explorer -- we already have 99.9% market share for a product that we give away for free, so why should we spend a bunch of money on future development? Our freedom to innovate is a sacred right and means that we do not have to waste time on unprofitable projects, regardless of what critics say." "Instead," the spokespuppet continued, "We think the best approach is to launch a fundamental redesign of the core Internet protocols to prevent unauthorized usage. We have already deployed a test our next-generation protocol, IPv666, which totally eliminates viruses, spam, exploits, and malware from the Internet. Under this patent-pending system, each and every packet must be pre-approved by a Microsoft employee before routers will accept it." "If we didn't have the freedom to innovate, this exciting new protocol would not be possible," she concluded. "Users would be doomed to spend the next century fighting a futile battle against malware, while spending less time with their children. But we have a better vision for the future. At Microsoft, we are always thinking about the children." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Wed Jul 21 04:33:27 2004 Received: from localhost ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Bn6p7-0003Pd-2h; Wed, 21 Jul 2004 04:27:13 +0200 Received: with ECARTIS (v1.0.0; list humorix); Wed, 21 Jul 2004 04:27:06 +0200 (CEST) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Bn6oZ-0003No-V4 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 21 Jul 2004 04:26:40 +0200 Received: from sdn-ap-016neomahp0364.dialsprint.net ([63.190.97.110] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Bn6oM-0007nR-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 20 Jul 2004 19:26:27 -0700 Message-ID: <40FDB977.5090708@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 19:31:51 -0500 From: James Baughn User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-US; rv:1.6) Gecko/20031015 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@mail.nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] US Downsizes Court System Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-2.0 required=5.0 tests=BAYES_00,RCVD_IN_NJABL, RCVD_IN_SORBS,SAVE_THOUSANDS autolearn=no version=2.63 X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-ecartis-version: Ecartis v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Ecartis version 1.0.0 List-Id: X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix US Downsizes Court System July 20, 2004 WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an effort to streamline the judiciary and save money, the US Congress today passed a bill that would reorganize the legal system and radically alter the way civil court cases are decided. Instead of wasting time on such trivial matters as "the rule of law", "the preponderance of the evidence", or "the pursuit of truth", the new and improved Legal System 2.0 will instead measure one factor: net worth. The party with the most money will automatically win every case. "We'll be able to save millions each year by eliminating obsolete judges and legal clerks," explained Senator Richard Tater (D-Hollywood's Back Pocket). "And yet most people won't be able to tell the difference." The system will not be able to completely eliminate judges and juries, however. "Not everybody will agree on the total net worth of each party," Tater said. "So judges and juries will need to settle issues such as whether a tax shelter in Bermuda counts as an asset or not. But even with this overhead, the new downsized system will be much more streamlined, efficient, and business-like. And isn't that what America is all about?" Some legal experts were skeptical about the new scheme. "This will only encourage businesses to merge together so they can win more lawsuits," explained a professor at the prestigious Northern Idaho School for Creative Legal Theories. "This will then give an excuse for the government to become even fatter so that it can keep up with the net worth of corporations. And then individual consumers will get so fed up of losing 100% of lawsuits that they will band together to form Lawsuit Defense Unions." A spokesperson for the EFF said, "If you were the mother of the senior prom date of the guy who later was the roommate of the hacker who developed the programming language that was used by an evil pirate to create an illegal program that made it possible to play DVDs under Linux, then you might as well bend over now and prepare for the inevitable lawsuit that you won't be able to win." On the bright side, for the first time in recorded history, The SCO Group issued a press release suggesting it might lose its lawsuits. "If this Legal System 2.0 goes into effect, then we will suddenly lose our lawsuit against IBM, the evil 800-pound gorilla of the computer industry. This just isn't fair..." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/