From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Feb 03 03:36:04 2004 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt.) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1AnqIA-0005PE-4F; Tue, 03 Feb 2004 03:27:58 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 03 Feb 2004 03:27:53 +0100 (CET) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.180]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1AnqHo-0005KQ-RJ for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 03 Feb 2004 03:27:37 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-011neomahp0737.dialsprint.net ([63.189.42.229] helo=ldd.net) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1AnqHa-00044s-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Mon, 02 Feb 2004 18:27:27 -0800 Message-ID: <401F0003.4010804@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 02 Feb 2004 19:57:23 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i586; en-US; rv:1.3) Gecko/20030314 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Patents Zero-Click Security System Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: humbolt: domain of jbaughn@ldd.net does not designate permitted sender hosts X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.60-spambr_20030926 (1.212-2003-09-23-exp) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, hits=0.2 required=5.0 tests=RCVD_IN_NJABL,RCVD_IN_SORBS autolearn=no version=2.60-spambr_20030926 X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Microsoft Patents Zero-Click Security System February 2, 2004 REDMOND, WA -- Demonstrating its "commitment to security", Microsoft today unveiled a new patent-pending method to prevent users from accidentally following malicious URLs. Under the new system, to be released in the next version of Internet Explorer, the browser will prevent users from clicking on links but will instead guide them to manually type in the URL in the address bar and then hit ENTER. "Not only have we increased security by forcing people to double-check their URLs, but we have also made the Internet more accessible by removing the need for a mouse to follow links," explained a Microsoft PR flack. "This is yet another example of why our freedom to innovate must never be curtailed..." The PR weasel then took the opportunity to poke fun at "both people" that stubbornly continue to use competing browsers. "Does your browser include Zero-Click technology? Of course not, because we've patented it. Your browser contains a gaping security hole that allows con-artists to fool you into revealing vital personal information, such as your name, credit card number, or ice cream preference. In fact, your browser is so insecure the government should outlaw it!" "Not that we would want the government to do that," he hastily added, "Because then we would no longer be able to argue in court that Microsoft isn't a monopoly. If that were to happen, the court might decide to impose a harsh remedy, such as reducing the cost of Windows XP by 5 dollars. And that would be bad." In related news, Microsoft also announced a permanent solution to prevent the spread of Windows and Outlook-based email worms. Knowledge Base Article #12,534,091,023 states, "A simple workaround for this problem is to (a) locate your computer's power cord and (b) disconnect it. This course of action has been shown to be highly effective at stopping email-based malicious programs..." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sat Feb 07 18:24:42 2004 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt.) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1ApW2x-0007WI-68; Sat, 07 Feb 2004 18:15:11 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sat, 07 Feb 2004 18:15:06 +0100 (CET) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.179]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1ApW2i-0007Q9-If for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sat, 07 Feb 2004 18:14:56 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-015neomahp0057.dialsprint.net ([63.190.80.57] helo=ldd.net) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1ApW2c-0002qZ-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sat, 07 Feb 2004 09:14:50 -0800 Message-ID: <40251CFB.5030308@ldd.net> Date: Sat, 07 Feb 2004 11:14:35 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i586; en-US; rv:1.3) Gecko/20030314 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Prepare To Be Jashcrofted Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: humbolt: domain of jbaughn@ldd.net does not designate permitted sender hosts X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.60-spambr_20030926 (1.212-2003-09-23-exp) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, hits=2.0 required=5.0 tests=DRASTIC_REDUCED,RCVD_IN_NJABL, RCVD_IN_SORBS autolearn=no version=2.60-spambr_20030926 X-Spam-Level: * X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Prepare To Be Jashcrofted By ultravioletu [at] hotmail [dot] com WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Back when Congress passed the US PATRIOT Act, they also quietly enacted another piece of legislation that went unnoticed: The Screwing the Terrorists who Use Packets of Internet Datagrams (STUPID) Act. As the name suggests, this law will have absolutely no impact on terrorism while it jashcrofts innocent Internet users [1]. For instance, new rules go into effect this week to regulate Internet traffic. All foreign data packets which traverse at least one router based in any American state must obtain, in advance, a valid US transit visa, following the regular procedures, even if both the source and destinations addresses reside outside the country. According to current procedure, as a prerequisite for a transit visa, a data packet must have the following flags set: I_SOLD_MY_FIRST_BORN_SON_TO_SCO, I_LOVE_DMCA, and I_RUN_ONLY_WINDOWS. Furthermore, the application is forwarded to the GESTAPO (Global Enterprise to Stop Terrorism by Analyzing Packets & Operators), a new government bureaucracy created from the unholy alliance of Microsoft, Verisign, the RIAA, and CIA. This department will then issue a unique 32,768-byte activation key that must be manually introduced by the user. Details about all the information actually required to compute this key are not disclosed, of course, because that would only help the terrorists. However, on the department's website, it states very clearly: "Please shut down your firewall, change your system's administrator password to 'i will vote for dubya', and have your credit card ready." Mr. Peter Aranoid, spokesman for a government security agency (whose name must be kept secret), declared yesterday: "Last month we successfully beta-tested the visa requirement for TCP/IP traffic originating from certain countries the US doesn't like. At that time, this measure, which any patriotic American should consider as rational and prudent, drastically reduced the volume of spam, malware and other terrorist acts from 100% to 99.9997%." "Once the visa requirement is enforced for all foreign countries, we expect an even more dramatic reduction in malware, from 99.9997% to 99.9991%. This will potentially save the lives of billions of people, especially innocent children. While we experienced some minor problems during testing, mostly due to a slight 14000% increase of Internet traffic required by the activation tasks, we think we can overcome them by confiscating bandwidth from inside enemies, such as Humorix." He continued, "Lately, however, we have discovered that patented features, such as buffer overflows [2], can occur in hardware routing equipment, thus allowing all those long-hair commie terrorists the ability to circumvent our checks and access valuable intellectual property they are not worthy of." Mr. P. Aranoid was speaking about an incident last month in which two Serbian young men were kidn... err, arrested, given a fair trial lasting three minutes in front of a Redmond judge, and then immediately deported to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. They were accused of "first degree cybertrespassing": By crafting a special IP packet, apparently designated for a server in Botswana, they triggered a buffer overflow in a router located in Pasadena and redirected the HTTP request, thus obtaining illegal access to their Yahoo mailbox. "This is unacceptable," Aranoid said. "If we don't act now, the terrorists will have won. Congress has appropriated $1.9 billion to GESTAPO to research new ways to stop illegal terrorist activity on the Internet, all in the name of freedom. We will prevail." As expected, not everybody is happy with this measure. "After two hours of brainwashing, I can understand that I need a visa to access the Microsoft or SCO Group website -- I take this humiliating procedure as a punishment for wanting to go there in the first place," declared a Romanian Linux zealot. "But I cannot deal with the fact that I have to undergo the same [expletive] when trying to access my favourite German open source newsgroup, just because my [expletive] ISP bought bandwidth from Verizon." We wanted to contact Mr. Linus Torvalds for an opinion, but apparently his response was rejected for lack of an entry visa. We are trying to use the only protocol not yet regulated by such demen... err, enhanced security procedures, namely the Carrier Pigeon Internet Protocol. We will publish Mr. Torvalds' answer as soon as our transport medium returns. If it does [3]. [1] http://humorix.org/articles/jan04/dictionary.shtml#jashcroft [2] http://humorix.org/articles/sep03/patent.shtml [3] http://humorix.org/articles/may01/carnivore.shtml -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Feb 12 05:13:14 2004 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([127.0.0.1] helo=humbolt.) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Ar84k-0001vQ-SW; Thu, 12 Feb 2004 05:03:43 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Thu, 12 Feb 2004 05:00:06 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.181]) by humbolt.nl.linux.org with esmtp (Exim 4.22) id 1Ar811-0001lD-FF for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Thu, 12 Feb 2004 04:59:51 +0100 Received: from sdn-ap-018neomahp0118.dialsprint.net ([63.190.112.118] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Ar80a-0006iZ-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Wed, 11 Feb 2004 19:59:24 -0800 Message-ID: <402AEED5.7060605@ldd.net> Date: Wed, 11 Feb 2004 21:11:17 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i586; en-US; rv:1.3) Gecko/20030314 X-Accept-Language: en-us, en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Bill Bless You Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Received-SPF: humbolt: domain of jbaughn@ldd.net does not designate permitted sender hosts X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.60-spambr_20030926 (1.212-2003-09-23-exp) on humbolt.nl.linux.org X-Spam-Status: No, hits=0.2 required=5.0 tests=RCVD_IN_NJABL,RCVD_IN_SORBS autolearn=no version=2.60-spambr_20030926 X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Bill Bless You Daniel Novotny, danny(at)mail(dot)muni(dot)cz I made a mistake. Again. My little heart aches. I humbly bow in front of The System, which simply announces: The program performed an illegal operation and will be terminated. Oh, such pain over an unfinished work. Oh, such sorrow. But it has to be this way. Reconciled with the fate, I shuffle through the muddy alleys to confession. Users, living in muddy slums, see my robe of a novice and step out of my way. "The servant of Lord Bill! Crashproofness to his soul!" Only one old fellow stands alone in the corner. He frowns. Maybe an Appler...? No..., the Inquisition burned all Applers at the stake long ago. "I have sinned, Father Paul." "Your system crashed, son?" The Cathedral is marvelous: the clouds during the start, the beautiful blue windows that you can open, close, minimize, maximize... There are pictures of saints maximized in the windows: Saint Jack, who died from hunger humbly waiting for the start of Windows, Saint Tom, fetching the page from http://www.microsoft.com/ until he reached Ecstasy... "What is your advice, Father? How should I prevent the Blue Death, plaguing me day and night?" "Repentance, prayers, Reinstallation!" "Holy Reinstallation? Again, Father? Spare this unworthy son the worst!" "You know, son, what Bill has said: only Windows you may have. Or do you want to resist the Holy Authority of Tech Support?" "I would never dare such!" "Well, son. Play Solitaire for ten times and Minesweeper for fifteen times, and your soul will be cleansed. No more crashes!" I kiss the ring of the holy man and I am released to the eternally muddy streets of the town. The next morning, my neighbor woke me. "Blue Death, lad! Blue Death in my house? What have I done?" "I am a mere novice. Go to the Cathedral of Tech Support, only through Bill can you achieve enlightenment." I gave her the best advice I knew. "I heard some magical formulas against system crashes, from the herbalist." "Which ones?" I became interested. The black magic -- editing of the Holy Registry --- was forbidden by the Priests of Tech Support. "Ummm... if you run Paint three times, Notepad two times, and Minesweeper once, and then recite 'Cables Disks Trash... Windows Don't Crash', the Illegal Operations won't appear." I wanted to tell her it's just an old wives' tale, but I decided to say nothing. What if it were true? With the Holy System, one never knows... Zdenek, a colleague novice, knocked at the door. "Heil Bill. They eliminated another sect. Would you like to take a look?" "Heil Bill. Okay, brother, we'll go." The mob, as always, stepped back when they saw our robes. There were a lot of people there this time. I heard voices from the crowd: "The Apocalypse! The DOS monster is returning! The forces of the Command Line are coming back!" I didn't know what the Command Line was, but it had to be something truly evil. When a colleague, Kamil, mentioned it in the seminary, he got a whole month of the temple jail, strict asceticism, and he was banned from playing computer games. The muddy tents where the mob gathered were burned. Bill gave, Bill took. The sectists paid for their heresy with their lives. But then I caught a small glimpse of white light in the ashes. A little piece of paper, with "/usr/bin/perl" on it. I remembered the hieroglyphs, crumbled the paper, and swallowed it. Some magic, for sure. The next day I go to confession. I had made mistakes, as the Blue Death had visited me again. I walk through the crowd towards the Temple. "Servant of Lord Bill, crashproofness to his soul!" The frowning old man was more friendly now. Still sad, but looking at me like he is waiting for something. "/usr/bin/perl", I whisper to him. "So you too..." a smile blossomed over the old man's face. The bailiffs appeared. I turned my attention back to the old man, but he had vanished. "I made a mistake, Father." "You weren't running Internet Explorer, MP3 player, and ICQ at the same time, were you, Billless sinner?" "No, Father. Regardless, the Blue Death visited me." "That's not all, son, is it?" The piercing eyes of the priest found the uncertainity in my gaze. "I saw..." "WHAT, by Control Panels, WHAT?" "I saw... no..." "Confess to your shepherd, son." "That... that sect, yesterday." "They are the bytes and to the bytes they turned, son." "There was... a piece of paper... I didn't want to look at it, really..." I was shivering all over. "What was on that paper? I adjure you with the Installation, the Reinstallation, and the Backup..." "There was... /usr/bin/perl there." The eyes of Father Paul widened. "WHAT?" "/usr/bin/perl, Father..." The cell was cold and bare. The executioner with the cat o' nine tails was prepared. The Bishop and Father Paul were standing above me. "You never saw such a paper. Repeat after me." "I never saw such a paper." "Hmmmm, it doesn't sound too convincing," the bishop objected. "Nine lashes." Swish! "Windows Gracias." Swish! "Windows Gracias." Swish! "Windows Gracias." Swish! "Windows Gracias." Swish! "Windows Gracias." Swish! "Windows Gracias." Swish! "Windows Gracias." Swish! "Windows Gracias." Swish! "Windows Gracias." After the punishment I went home, fully cleansed now. But I started to doubt. The permanent crashes? Does it have to be this way? If Lord Bill is omnipotent, why are the sects here? What did that secret cipher mean? Who was that old man? "Searching, young man, searching? The DOS wisdom of the Command Line is still here. Never dulled. Pure." "Go away, you old witch!" I shot back. I go home and find that all my Word documents have scrambled formatting. Maybe I sinned. Or perhaps not? The worm of doubt is biting at my mind. The morning comes and I shuffle through the crowd again. "You can safely switch off your computer now!" The hags are chanting their litanies. The old man is here again. "You were beaten, lad?" I quickly ask, "What is the Command Line?" "Oh, so you know this too! It's the place where you enter the commands for the system in pure text form. By all the bits and bytes, he's ripening for Peng..." Noise. The cavalry. The knights of the Order of Big Excel rode across the town square. The old man vanished again. Sigh. In the seminary. We are learning the Excel tables. I don't dare ask the priest, but brother Mirek knows a lot. "Mirek, what is 'pure text'?" Mirek went pale. "Only the text in MS Word is really pure, my friend." "What version of Word?" Kamil asked. "There are rumours going around in town, about Pure Text and Open Formats." Open Formats! Another stone to the mosaic. But what's the relation to "Pure Text" and "/usr/bin/perl"? Just a few days ago I would have said, "Bill knows". I have doubts now. Is there only One System? Only one Bill? Only Windows? "Lad, when I was young, everything was easier. No glaring Windows, only text commands. It didn't crash," the herbalist laments. "But all our faith is based on the concept of the Fall and Cleansing!" I snapped back. "Or... maybe... Open formats?" "Oh, my lad, it's been so long I last heard that... I forgot what it means... Forgive the forgetfulness of an old woman, I should buy some more RAM..." The old man was at the market. He was hiding in the crowd, but once he spotted me, he came closer joyfully. "Lad, by all the sources and debuggers, they haven't gotten you yet? You're still alive?" "Yes, old man." "The system doesn't have to crash. More accurately, it's here to ensure the programs don't crash!" This was the exact opposite of what we were learning in the seminary. I blushed. Such blasphemy! "The guards will be here in a moment, so I'll give you one advice; follow..." Roar. The dragon, MS Office, the pet of Lord Bill, flew over the Town. The crowd became anxious, the people held high their amulets of protection against Applers. The old man vanished. In the seminary, we found that we are one fewer. Brother Mirek, the smartest one. "That sinner ran regedit.exe. He disgraced the Holy Registry with the products of his sick brain. During his torture, he even confessed to installing Illegal software." "HE COPIED SOFTWARE?" we all asked at once. Oh, Start Menu, protect us. The bishop continued, "and we found a book about Disassembling and Cracking in his dorm." Libri prohibiti! Black teaching! I drew the sign of the Window on my chest. "Recant your dark teachings!" The bishop roared. Whom do I see on the stake? It's that secretive old man who whispered his wisdoms to me! "I won't recant! People, open your eyes! Bill is just sucking money out of you! By C, by Assembler, by Perl, X-Windows and Shell, don't be like sheep!" He just spotted me. I saw the sparkle of sympathy in his eyes. "Whoever has doubts is right! Don't use Word! Don't use closed document formats! Seek the Penguin! Penguiiii..." The blazing fire burned the body of the sinner. I have a lot of questions in my head. I will seek. I will put together the shards and maybe everything will be different. "Phooey, heretic!" An old hag spit into the fire. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/