From 520017418617-0001@t-online.de Wed Jan  8 05:39:34 2003
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From:	520017418617-0001@t-online.de (Doom-Black Time-Train races into Hell
	with entire Mankind.)
Subject: Sign from God
To:	humorix-archive@nl.linux.org
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Sender:	"Doom-Black Time-Train races into Hell with entire Mankind." <Doom-
 Black Time-Train races into Hell with entire Mankind.>
Reply-To: "Doom-Black Time-Train races into Hell with entire Mankind." 
	  <Caramba538@compuserve.de>
Date:	Wed, 8 Jan 2003 05:33:51 +0100
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Signs from God. The Messiah comes. We have the end of the World http://www.iboutique.de/fsur2932002133787/111.htm

Signs from God. The Messiah comes. We have the end of the World and already 3th Worldwar. The Mankind faces the Doom and as well the biggest ever experienced Holocaust. Each second Humanbeing ends up in the Pond of Fire. If the Messiah is not comming now (Jesus Christ, Son of God, King of the Jews), God will come as Devil-and Germany brought the entire Mankind into Hell. Owing to the Brandenburger Nazigate in Berlin every Human will be punished as hard as Adolf Hitler. That means Hellforever:Final Solution (Endlösung)-------

Everyone who doesnt call Mankind into Paradise has got at least the same much Guilt and Dirt at putting like Adolf Hitler an will be punished just as hard. The USA was sworn in to the Bible and is liable with the Final Solution (Endlösung) Death on the Cross forever- -------

The one who supports Wholesolemurderers and Traitors- like especially the USA and other Countries did towards Germany-will be executet as Wholesalemurderers and Traitors and sent to the Pond of Fire. Laughing Third Persons are even hardest punished by God.------

Jesus Christ is a Diamand,is our Redeemer-can release us from the Guilt and save entire Mankind from Downfall. You must get youself the Diamond. Otherwisely you may never enter Gods Kingdom. The Diamond is more prescious thanall Wealth af the World-And this Earth will leave Luzifers Kingdom ,the Evils Outer Space Hell Becouse Earth belongs to God,and Man is Gods Image-Words are stronger than all Weapons of the World- The Word remains. Then the Earth and Heaven are already gone.------

The Messias comes only if the Gospel is spread Worldwide and we have got a Rid of the forbidden Appletree with the Snake. And all Christians which pay Homage to the Lord and fulfill God`s Will can enter Paradise forever and step to Gods Glory. Signs from God is for everybody the last Key to Paradise, and thus very prescious-not to pay with Money and the last Path to Paradise for the entire Mankind.--------

The Brandenburger Nazigate in Berlin is the Hellgate of Mankind and must be pulled down immediately-----


Germany turned withe the Brandenburger Nazigate Got to Devil-Germany is therefore Nation of Kain and High Treason and brought the entire Mankind into Doom.-----

Germany has got the Worllpower to bring the entire Mankind into Hell, if there is no penalty fer the second Worldwar and the Brandenburger Nazigate in Berlin continues to be there.-----

Since the USA bombed the Craddle of Mankind (The Gulf-War USA and Irak),is the entire Mankind condemned to Hell.When God`s Children are getting bombed,pays the Mankind with the Eternal Penalty. That includes also the USA. The Irak is the Craddle of Mankind, Tiflis Euphrat the Beginning of the Bible. Adam and Eve. The one who`s the Worldpower Number 1- as it happens to the USA-has got the Main Responsibility for the whole Mankind and is liable now even with the Final Solution. Death at the Cross- Hell forever.-------

Sign from God is no Advertising,but a Message and is reputed for entire Mankind. Jesus Christ-a Diamant- is our Redeemer, can release us from the Guilt and save Mankind from the Fall!

http://www.zevo.de


From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Jan  9 03:30:13 2003
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Date:	Wed, 08 Jan 2003 20:27:57 -0600
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Organization: Humorix World Domination
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Subject: [humorix] Nobody Signs Up For Telemarketers' Please-Do-Call List
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Nobody Signs Up For Telemarketers' Please-Do-Call List
January 8, 2003

In an embarassing blow to the telemarketing and
teleannoying industries, a trade group announced today that
not one person has registered for its "please-do-call"
opt-in list.  

"We figured that hordes of people would want to receive
fabulous offers on credit cards and incredible deals on
carpet-cleaning services," explained Anne Oying, chairwoman
of the National Association Of Bottom Feeding Marketers. 
"But that hasn't happened."

The failure of the program isn't from a lack of trying. 
Last month the NABFM placed thousands of unsolicited
telemarketing calls to people across the country asking if
they would like to be placed on the please-do-call list at
no charge, enabling them to receive "exclusive bargain
offers on everything from laundry detergent to sex-change
operations."  

"Too many people think that telemarketers are heartless
vultures engaged in a conspiracy to call unsuspecting
victims at the worst possible time, such as dinner," Ms.
Oying said.  "That's a lie.  We're human too, we have
families, we have bills to pay, we have feelings.  Every
time I get a death threat, that really hurts."

Similar efforts by junk mailers and spammers to create
opt-in lists have been more successful, but not much.  The 
Society of Law-abiding International Marketing Experts
(SLIME), a trade association of junk mailers, recently
conducted a study that showed 99% of the people who signed
up for the group's "please-inundate-me-with-paper" list had
fireplaces or wood-burning stoves in their homes which were
fueled with the junk mail.

"Almost everybody who signed up for our 'Special VIP
Platinum Loyal Customer Mail Offers' program burned the
junk mail they received to save on energy costs.  This is a
form of stealing!" fumed Kahn R. Teest, vice president of
SLIME.  "Don't they realize that it costs us money to send
out 'special invitations' and 'you might already be a
winner!' mailings?" 

Likewise, attempts by the Nigeria-based "South African
Shady Financial Investments Association" to compile an
opt-in list of email addresses has been less than stellar. 
At first, the association was ecstatic when it seemed that
nearly 100,000 people had signed up to receive "exciting
business proposals" from Nigeria.  However, closer
inspection revealed that virtually all of the email
addresses were owned by spammers and telemarketers from
across the world, which were added to the list by
pranksters, disgruntled 419 scam victims, and various
anti-spam crusaders.

The Vice Secretariat Minister of SASFIA said in an email, 
"I AM MOST TROUBLED BY THIS DEVELOPMENT,we only want to
form business partnerships with Americans so we can share
in wealth that would otherwise be squandered. We will not
tolerate this fraud."  The email was signed, "Eng.Kumalo
Diliza B.Eng.{SAU} M.Eng,MNIM,PHD."  A postscript said, "If
you would like to participate in deal involving US$14.4
million of overinvoiced money that must be exported from
Nigeria right away, please send fax to 0031-641 075 328."
--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


From big@boss.com Sun Jan 12 11:07:44 2003
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From info@landfill.us Mon Jan 13 06:35:34 2003
Received: from adsl-66-138-99-34.dsl.ltrkar.swbell.net ([IPv6:::ffff:66.138.99.34]:32265
	"HELO landfill.us") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with SMTP
	id <S16856AbTAMFf0>; Mon, 13 Jan 2003 06:35:26 +0100
From:	"Enstech Inc." <info@landfill.us>
To:	<humorix-archive@nl.linux.org>
Subject: Investment Opportunity - Landfill Leak Detection, Repair, and Gas Recovery
Sender:	"Enstech Inc." <info@landfill.us>
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/html; charset="ISO-8859-1"
Date:	Sun, 12 Jan 2003 23:46:08 -0600
X-Priority: 1 (Highest)
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
Message-Id: <20030113053527Z16856-18533+5877@humbolt.nl.linux.org>
Return-Path: <info@landfill.us>
X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0)
X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org
Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org

<html xmlns:o="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office"
xmlns:w="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:word"
xmlns="http://www.w3.org/TR/REC-html40">

<head>
<meta http-equiv=Content-Type content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
<meta name=ProgId content=Word.Document>
<meta name=Generator content="Microsoft Word 9">
<meta name=Originator content="Microsoft Word 9">
<link rel=File-List href="./Australia_files/filelist.xml">
<title>Australia </title>
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div.Section1
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</head>

<body lang=EN-US link=blue vlink=purple style='tab-interval:.5in'>

<div class=Section1>

<p class=MsoTitle><span
style='font-size:22.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt'>Environmental
technology for our future.<o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle>Seeking a working partner in Australia </p>

<p class=MsoTitle>for a new landfill technology.</p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><![if
!supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'>RE: Licensing or sale of the Enstech landfill system, within
Australia.<o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'><![if !supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'>Dear Australia,<o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>Enstech Inc. has just received full patent
coverage on
the continent of Australia, and is offering this technology for licensing or
sale. The Enstech system will be the future of safer landfill containments
around the world. This claim is supported by our engineer reports, which
can be
seen at our website. <o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>The Enstech system has no competitors in its
advancement into the landfill industry. Only the Enstech system can
pinpoint,
contain and remove the gases and leachates that have penetrated through the
primary barrier liner of a landfill cell. <o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>The Enstech level #1 system can be seen at our
website.
It is presented in Windows Media Video format. The presentation is best
viewed
on a high-speed Internet connection, such as a DSL line, and all of the
software
needed to view the movie is provided at our website. When you enter our
website,
it will take you directly to our presentation, which may require a few
seconds
to load. If the presentation does not play when you enter our website, go
to the
troubleshooting link and install the fixes.<o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>At the present time, all forms of investment and
licensing opportunities are open for negotiation. All proposals will be
taken
into consideration by Enstech and will be responded to in kind. If you are
aware of someone other than yourself that may be interested in this
investment
opportunity, please forward this letter along.<span style="mso-spacerun:
yes">               </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>The future of our environment depends on the
advancement of our technologies, and the Enstech system will be an important
part of that future. Please review this technology at our website, </span><a
href="http://www.landfill.us/">www.landfill.us</a> .<span style='font-size:
12.0pt'> Please feel free to contact us with any questions you may
have.<o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'><![if !supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'><![if !supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'>Thank you,<o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial'>Burt
Hampton, c.e.o.<br>
Enstech Inc.<br>
P.O.Box 1557<br>
Magnolia, AR 71753<br>
(870)234-1421<br>
fax: (870)234-6224<br>
<a href="mailto:burt@landfill.us">burt@landfill.us</a><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoNormal><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'><![if !supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><![if
!supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center'><span
style='font-size:18.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt'><![if
!supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></span></p>

</div>

</body>

</html>

From info@landfill.us Mon Jan 13 23:02:22 2003
Received: from adsl-66-138-99-34.dsl.ltrkar.swbell.net ([IPv6:::ffff:66.138.99.34]:23304
	"HELO landfill.us") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with SMTP
	id <S17875AbTAMWCS>; Mon, 13 Jan 2003 23:02:18 +0100
From:	"Enstech Inc." <info@landfill.us>
To:	<humorix-archive@nl.linux.org>
Subject: Investment Opportunity - Landfill Leak Detection, Repair, and Gas Recovery
Sender:	"Enstech Inc." <info@landfill.us>
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/html; charset="ISO-8859-1"
Date:	Mon, 13 Jan 2003 16:13:05 -0600
X-Priority: 1 (Highest)
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
Message-Id: <20030113220220Z17875-4541+38@humbolt.nl.linux.org>
Return-Path: <info@landfill.us>
X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0)
X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org
Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org

<html xmlns:o="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office"
xmlns:w="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:word"
xmlns="http://www.w3.org/TR/REC-html40">

<head>
<meta http-equiv=Content-Type content="text/html; charset=windows-1252">
<meta name=ProgId content=Word.Document>
<meta name=Generator content="Microsoft Word 9">
<meta name=Originator content="Microsoft Word 9">
<link rel=File-List href="./Australia_files/filelist.xml">
<title>Australia </title>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
</xml><![endif]-->
<style>
<!--
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	{mso-style-parent:"";
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div.Section1
	{page:Section1;}
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</head>

<body lang=EN-US link=blue vlink=purple style='tab-interval:.5in'>

<div class=Section1>

<p class=MsoTitle><span
style='font-size:22.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt'>Environmental
technology for our future.<o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle>Seeking a working partner in Australia </p>

<p class=MsoTitle>for a new landfill technology.</p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><![if
!supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'>RE: Licensing or sale of the Enstech landfill system, within
Australia.<o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'><![if !supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'>Dear Australia,<o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>Enstech Inc. has just received full patent
coverage on
the continent of Australia, and is offering this technology for licensing or
sale. The Enstech system will be the future of safer landfill containments
around the world. This claim is supported by our engineer reports, which
can be
seen at our website. <o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>The Enstech system has no competitors in its
advancement into the landfill industry. Only the Enstech system can
pinpoint,
contain and remove the gases and leachates that have penetrated through the
primary barrier liner of a landfill cell. <o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>The Enstech level #1 system can be seen at our
website.
It is presented in Windows Media Video format. The presentation is best
viewed
on a high-speed Internet connection, such as a DSL line, and all of the
software
needed to view the movie is provided at our website. When you enter our
website,
it will take you directly to our presentation, which may require a few
seconds
to load. If the presentation does not play when you enter our website, go
to the
troubleshooting link and install the fixes.<o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>At the present time, all forms of investment and
licensing opportunities are open for negotiation. All proposals will be
taken
into consideration by Enstech and will be responded to in kind. If you are
aware of someone other than yourself that may be interested in this
investment
opportunity, please forward this letter along.<span style="mso-spacerun:
yes">               </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>The future of our environment depends on the
advancement of our technologies, and the Enstech system will be an important
part of that future. Please review this technology at our website, </span><a
href="http://www.landfill.us/">www.landfill.us</a> .<span style='font-size:
12.0pt'> Please feel free to contact us with any questions you may
have.<o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'><![if !supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'><![if !supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'>Thank you,<o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial'>Burt
Hampton, c.e.o.<br>
Enstech Inc.<br>
P.O.Box 1557<br>
Magnolia, AR 71753<br>
(870)234-1421<br>
fax: (870)234-6224<br>
<a href="mailto:burt@landfill.us">burt@landfill.us</a><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoNormal><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>

<p class=MsoTitle align=left style='text-align:left'><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'><![if !supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></span></p>

<p class=MsoTitle><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><![if
!supportEmptyParas]>&nbsp;<![endif]><o:p></o:p></span></p>

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style='font-size:18.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt'><![if
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From sjborowy@earthlink.net Tue Jan 14 11:17:59 2003
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--=====================_28445933==.ALT
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"; format=flowed

         This is to correct manipulation of contents which changes the 
substance.  The word "not" was erased electronically in the following 
question to deny the fact that the White House under president George W. 
BUSH arranges 6 figures salary consulting jobs for those who did not finish 
any college, but who made the purposeful blunders that facilitated the 
performance of September 11 attack.

         The trickery is self-explanatory. The same relates to its grounds 
which come to:

                 DO THE JOB FOR "POLISH" BRANCH OF KGB/SVR-GRU LED BY 
JEWISH GRU COMMUNIST ALEKSANDER KWASNIEWSKI AND GET HIGH PAY JOBS IN THE 
COMPANIES CONNECTED WITH THE WHITE HOUSE AND THE CIA OF HIS SELF-CLAIMED 
"FRIEND" GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT THROUGH ESPIONAGE NETWORK OF 38.

         The question should read as follows:

         1.2 Why was the Kwasniewski intelligence mole Dale WATSON (then 
executive assistant FBI director for counterintelligence and the 
Kwasniewski intelligence mole facilitating the performance of September 11 
attack) retired to 6 figures salary in the firm of BOOZ, ALLEN & HAMILTON - 
BAH in the consulting line of business that is connected with the 
Bush-Cheney CIA and White House although he did not finish any college, as 
he acknowledged to me during our work on  sensitive FBI projects?

         For clarification, BAH operates in  over 100 countries, providing 
consultation upon the classified information of its customers that include 
foreign governments and corporations, including those in the European Union 
and Third World countries. Thus, they pay BAH for spying on them for the 
CIA and "Polish" branch of KGB/SVR-GRU. BAH profits amount to $2.10 billions.

         I apologize to all reads for an error which was not of my making.


         Slawomir J. Borowy

         PS. If you deem appropriate, you may wish to decide on informing 
governmental and corporate offices about the real line of BAH business.

--=====================_28445933==.ALT
Content-Type: text/html; charset="us-ascii"

<html>
<x-tab>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</x-tab>This is to
correct manipulation of contents which changes the substance.&nbsp; The
word “not” was erased electronically in the following question to deny
the fact that the White House under president <b>George W. BUSH
</b>arranges 6 figures salary consulting jobs for those who did not
finish any college, but who made the purposeful blunders that facilitated
the performance of September 11 attack. <br><br>
<x-tab>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</x-tab>The
trickery is self-explanatory. The same relates to its grounds which come
to: <br><br>
<x-tab>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</x-tab><x-tab>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</x-tab><b>DO
THE JOB FOR <i>“POLISH” </i>BRANCH OF KGB/SVR-GRU LED BY JEWISH GRU
COMMUNIST ALEKSANDER KWASNIEWSKI AND GET HIGH PAY JOBS IN THE COMPANIES
CONNECTED WITH THE WHITE HOUSE AND THE CIA OF HIS SELF-CLAIMED
<i>“FRIEND” </i>GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT THROUGH ESPIONAGE NETWORK OF
38.<br><br>
</b><x-tab>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</x-tab>The
question should read as follows:<br><br>
<x-tab>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</x-tab>1.2 <b>Why
</b>was the Kwasniewski intelligence mole <b>Dale WATSON </b>(then
executive assistant FBI director for counterintelligence and the
Kwasniewski intelligence mole facilitating the performance of September
11 attack)<b> </b>retired to <b>6 </b>figures salary in the firm of
<b>BOOZ, ALLEN &amp; HAMILTON - BAH </b>in the consulting line of
business that is connected with the Bush-Cheney CIA and White House
although he did <b><u>not</u></b> finish any college, as he acknowledged
to me during our work on&nbsp; sensitive FBI projects?<br><br>
<x-tab>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</x-tab><b>For
clarification</b>, BAH operates in&nbsp; over 100 countries, providing
consultation upon the classified information of its customers that
include foreign governments and corporations, including those in the
European Union and Third World countries. Thus, they pay BAH for spying
on them for the CIA and &quot;Polish&quot; branch of KGB/SVR-GRU. BAH
profits amount to $<b>2.10</b> billions. <br><br>
<x-tab>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</x-tab>I
apologize to all reads for an error which was not of my making.<br><br>
<br>
<x-tab>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</x-tab>Slawomir
J. Borowy<br><br>
<x-tab>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</x-tab>PS.<b> If
you deem appropriate</b>, you may wish to decide on informing
governmental and corporate offices about the real line of BAH
business.<br>
</html>

--=====================_28445933==.ALT--


From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Wed Jan 22 03:00:33 2003
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Date:	Tue, 21 Jan 2003 19:48:19 -0600
From:	James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>
Organization: Humorix World Domination
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Congress Imposes Flat-Rate "Victim Fee" On Music Companies
January 21, 2003

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- One day, Congress absolutely loves
Hollywood, passing the Sonny Bono Copyright Extension Act
2, extending all copyrights "for one bajillion years or
until the world ends, whichever comes first."  The next
day, Hollywood comes under the crosshairs of Senators
looking for an easy scapegoat and a quick way to raise
money.

This time, the scapegoat is the music industry for
producing music with violent lyrics.  "These evil studios
are engaging in theft -- they are stealing the innocence
from our beloved children!  Won't somebody please think of
the children?" testified the founder of the Coalition Of
Outraged, Over-Protective Parents Demanding That Somebody
Please Think Of The Children.

Earlier today, the Senate passed a bill requiring all music
companies to pay a flat rate "victim fee" every time they
release a song.  The proceeds from this "fee" (don't dare
call it a "tax"!) will go into a trust fund set up for
victims of crimes inspired by violent music lyrics.  In
addition, the bill requires that any record label accused
of producing violent lyrics must immediately reveal the
names, addresses, and social security numbers of all of the
lyricists and composers employed by the company. These
people will be placed on a national Violent Music Offender
List until they prove their innocence.

During a Congressional hearing, a member of the Coalition
of Outraged Parents testified how her son became the victim
of violent lyrics.  "He was bullied at school by a bully
who in turn had an abusive father that was set off by a
particularly violent rap song on the radio one day.  When
will the insanity end?"

The member of the RIAA invited by Congress to give the
usual token rebuttal said, "This isn't fair!  Why should
every music company pay a flat fee for every song even if
those songs don't contain any violent lyrics?"

A Senator replied, "So you admit then that some songs do
contain violent, harmful lyrics that are destroying our
children?"  The RIAA representative hesitated, adjusted his
tie, and replied in a whimper, "Uh oh, I've been led into a
trap..."  

Later, when asked about the Violent Music Offender List,
the RIAA lackey responded, "This isn't fair! Whatever
happened to innocent until proven guilty?"

This provided the perfect opportunity for the Senator to go
in for the kill.   "So you admit that some music writers
might be found guilty of writing violent, harmful lyrics
that are destroying our children?"  The RIAA rep whimpered,
"Uh, well, um, *cough*, uhh... I've been trapped again... I
really need to find a new line of work..."

The proposed bill still must face approval in the House,
but many pundits expect that it will easily pass.  "Sure,
the majority of Senators and Representatives are in the
back pockets of Hollywood interests, but they still have to
show some kind of resistance in order to appease their
constituents back home that believe we're all going to hell
in a handbasket."

Geeks we interviewed had mixed feelings about the bill. 
Said one Slashdot regular, "Well, this serves the RIAA
right for arguing that all Internet users are pirates -- if
that's true, then we have the right to say that all RIAA
executives are evil vermin conspiring to drown society in a
bloody orgy of death and destruction.  But I hate to see
the First Amendment slashed yet again -- at this rate, the
Bill of Rights will have more holes in it than Windows
security."

Another person said, "I read somewhere that the average
person sees several hundred thousand murders on TV and
movies during their childhood. I haven't gone on a bloody
rampage yet, but I could.  Somebody should compensate me
for this!  If smokers can get big cash settlements from
tobacco companies for lung cancer, then couch potatoes
should get big cash settlements from the MPAA for mental
anguish... I'm a victim, somebody give me money!"

RIAA chairman Bill "Everybody Is A Pirate Except Me"
Thornen was unavailable for comment at press time.

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Jan 23 04:38:08 2003
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Date:	Wed, 22 Jan 2003 20:55:24 -0600
From:	James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>
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Subject: [humorix] God and MPAA Denounce Human Genome Decoding
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God and MPAA Denounce Human Genome Decoding
By Jason Simpson, public_class_name_extends_me@yahoo.com
January 22, 2003

The MPAA now has God on its side, claiming that
applications such as DeCSS and the Human Genome Project
grossly violate several clauses of the Digital Millennium
Copyright Act. 

According to God, technology capable of decoding the human
genome could make it easier to clone or redistribute
certain copyrighted individuals. "While you may physically
own the cells themselves," God said, "You do not own the
DNA code on them."

A high ranking executive working in the motion picture
industry, who wishes only to be indentified as Adam,
projects financial losses due to these types of decoders
could be dire. He went on to illustrate the figures. "I net
roughly 5 million dollars annually. My living expenses are
kept at about 1.5 million annually. Having another me
around would double my living expenses to 3 million, but
since I basically don't do anything, my overall
productivity, and hence annual salary, would not increase
at all."

"We have done research and our experts suggest that, once
decoded, movies or DNA could be 'shared' on a peer-to-peer
network." Adam said. "For all I know, an exact 'genetic'
twin or duplicate of me could then be illegally downloaded
by millions from some web site in South America or Eastern
Europe. This is a family oriented industry. Just think of
the impact this could have on family oriented holidays. My
mother can only make so much stuffing, you know."

Meanwhile, God is working on stronger encryption techniques
which "cannot be hacked by humans." According to God, "I
basically have to find an algorithm which humans -- even
with the aid of computers -- are incapable of
understanding." God has already shown that he is capable of
creating the universe in only 3 lines of perl code. (The
original was in COBOL and hard to maintain.)

Organizations such as the Electronic Frontier Foundation
(EFF) and the rest of humanity feel that the MPAA is being
unreasonable and that God is only taking  their side due to
poorly negotiated contracts. Members of the EFF and the
rest of humanity feel that the Human Genome Project would
revolutionize advances in medicine and benefit mankind as a
whole.

Adam defends the MPAA, "It's not that we don't want to
benefit mankind as a whole. We just don't think benefitting
mankind as a whole should be free. The Matrix has probably
been the most influential innovation in history since
Guttenberg's printing press. But The Matrix cost millions
to produce. We're not making bibles to hand out. What are
we, the Gideons?"

God also offered a stern warning. "Radical new technologies
always come at a price. A single adenine - thymine mismatch
can be a DNA catestrophe. Just look at the printing press
and the proliferation of the misprint and the typo. In the
previous paragraph, you don't even know if you should spell
the inventor's name 'Gutenberg' or 'Guttenberg'. I hope the
irony is not lost on you mortals."

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Jan 23 05:08:40 2003
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God and MPAA Denounce Human Genome Decoding
By Jason Simpson, public_class_name_extends_me@yahoo.com
January 22, 2003

The MPAA now has God on its side, claiming that
applications such as DeCSS and the Human Genome Project
grossly violate several clauses of the Digital Millennium
Copyright Act. 

According to God, technology capable of decoding the human
genome could make it easier to clone or redistribute
certain copyrighted individuals. "While you may physically
own the cells themselves," God said, "You do not own the
DNA code on them."

A high ranking executive working in the motion picture
industry, who wishes only to be indentified as Adam,
projects financial losses due to these types of decoders
could be dire. He went on to illustrate the figures. "I net
roughly 5 million dollars annually. My living expenses are
kept at about 1.5 million annually. Having another me
around would double my living expenses to 3 million, but
since I basically don't do anything, my overall
productivity, and hence annual salary, would not increase
at all."

"We have done research and our experts suggest that, once
decoded, movies or DNA could be 'shared' on a peer-to-peer
network." Adam said. "For all I know, an exact 'genetic'
twin or duplicate of me could then be illegally downloaded
by millions from some web site in South America or Eastern
Europe. This is a family oriented industry. Just think of
the impact this could have on family oriented holidays. My
mother can only make so much stuffing, you know."

Meanwhile, God is working on stronger encryption techniques
which "cannot be hacked by humans." According to God, "I
basically have to find an algorithm which humans -- even
with the aid of computers -- are incapable of
understanding." God has already shown that he is capable of
creating the universe in only 3 lines of perl code. (The
original was in COBOL and hard to maintain.)

Organizations such as the Electronic Frontier Foundation
(EFF) and the rest of humanity feel that the MPAA is being
unreasonable and that God is only taking  their side due to
poorly negotiated contracts. Members of the EFF and the
rest of humanity feel that the Human Genome Project would
revolutionize advances in medicine and benefit mankind as a
whole.

Adam defends the MPAA, "It's not that we don't want to
benefit mankind as a whole. We just don't think benefitting
mankind as a whole should be free. The Matrix has probably
been the most influential innovation in history since
Guttenberg's printing press. But The Matrix cost millions
to produce. We're not making bibles to hand out. What are
we, the Gideons?"

God also offered a stern warning. "Radical new technologies
always come at a price. A single adenine - thymine mismatch
can be a DNA catestrophe. Just look at the printing press
and the proliferation of the misprint and the typo. In the
previous paragraph, you don't even know if you should spell
the inventor's name 'Gutenberg' or 'Guttenberg'. I hope the
irony is not lost on you mortals."

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Jan 24 14:42:08 2003
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Date:	Thu, 23 Jan 2003 19:37:56 -0600
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Judge Holds Microsoft In Contempt Of Court
January 23, 2003

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When a Federal judge sided with Sun
Microsystems and ordered Microsoft to include Java with
upcoming versions of Windows, Microsoft's legal team
announced that the company would fully comply with the
order.

The problem, however, is that everybody's favorite software
monopoly has a slightly different notion of what "Java"
means.  Earlier today Microsoft joined forces with
everybody's favorite coffee monopoly to comply with the
court order by bundling free samples of Starbucks Java with
each copy of Windows.

Both Sun Microsystems and the court judge were not
amused.  

Enraged by Microsoft's flaunting of the court order, the
judge found the company in contempt of court and ordered
that one of Microsoft's representatives, Clippit the
Dancing Paper Clip, be held in prison until the company
comes into compliance with the order.

"Any idiot could plainly see that I was talking about Sun
Microsystem's Java(R) Virtual Machine, not Starbuck's
Triple Cappachimochalattespresso Deluxe coffee!" ranted the
judge while a bailiff escorted Clippit to Cellblock 3.
"This is so ludicrous that even the webmaster of a
low-budget humor website wouldn't dare imagine something
this unbelievable!"

It's not entirely clear who at Microsoft came up with the
idea of bundling coffee instead of Java with Windows.  The
most likely suspect, the Vice President of Court  Order
Compliance, was out of town during the whole debacle.   "I
was in California settling that state's tyrannical billion
dollar class-action lawsuit against us," he said.  "This
wasn't my doing."

Another potential culprit, the Chief Executive of Cutting
Off Competitors' Air Supply, also pleaded innocence. 
"Sure, it was my idea to bundle a crippled, watered-down
out-of-date Java VM with Windows and then blame Sun
whenever nothing worked right on it.  But flagrantly
violating a court order only hurts us, not Sun."

Regardless of who issued the command to stick out the
company's proverbial middle finger at the judge, Clippit
the Dancing Paper Clip is now sitting in a prison cell,
annoying the jailor with questions like, "I see you are
trying to execute an inmate. Would you like help with this
operation?"

"This is the first time we've had an animated character in
our prison and I hope it's the last," said warden Sally
Terry Kuhnfinemint. "He keeps jumping around all over the
cell asking if I need any help. For the millionth time, I
don't need any [expletive] help!  I would shoot the little
bastard, but 'cliparticide' is a Class A felony in this
state."

If Microsoft doesn't comply with the order within 120 days
-- for real this time -- the judge has threatened to lock
up other Microserfs, including the Internet Explorer 'e'
logo (no real loss there), Bob of Microsoft Bob fame
(again, no real loss), Dr. Watson (Windows can crash just
fine without him), and "Arthur", the animated king featured
in Freecell (whatever).

In a pre-emptive strike, the judge also said that Microsoft
can't get by with shipping the Java VM under some obscure
folder of the Windows CD like "\Misc\Worthless Stuff\Filler
Material\Sun Sucks\Clicking On This Folder Voids The
Windows EULA\Proceed At Own Risk\Java\".

At press time, we haven't received word on whether
Microsoft will fully comply with the new order.  "Who cares
about some annoying animated fictional characters?" asked
one industry observer.  "Microsoft won't have any
motivation to comply until the judge starts throwing some
annoying  *real* people in jail -- like the entire
Microsoft legal or marketing teams.  Without those people,
the company would fold overnight."

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


From barrfredunongo@starmedia.com Tue Jan 28 01:24:55 2003
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To:	humorix-archive@nl.linux.org
From:	barr Fred Unongo <barrfredunongo@starmedia.com>
Date:	Mon, 27 Jan 2003 19:24:37 -0500
Subject: LEGIT/PERSONAL.
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STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL 

DEAR FRIEND, 


I GUESS THIS LETTER MAY COME TO YOU AS SURPRISE SINCE 
I HAD NO PREVIOUS CORRESPONDENCE WITH YOU. 

I AM THE CHAIRMAN TENDER BOARD OF INDEPENDENT NATIONAL 
ELECTORAL COMMISSION (INEC). I GOT YOUR CONTACT IN THE 
COURSE OF MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE PERSON WITH WHOM 
TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL TRANSACTION INVOLVING 
THE SUM OF$30,000.000 D0LLARS (THIRTY MILLION UNITED 
STATES DOLLARS) INTO YOUR PRIVATE ACCOUNT FOR SAFE 
KEEPING 
. 

THE ABOVE FUND IN QUESTION IS NOT CONNECTED WITH ARMS, 
DRUGS OR MONEY LAUNDERING IT IS THE PRODUCT OF AN OVER 
INVOICE ON CONTRACT AWARDED IN 1999 BY INEC TO A 
FOREIGN COMPANY FOR THE SUPPLY OF ELECTORAL MATERIALS 
THAT WAS USED FOR CONDUCTING 1999 ELECTION. 

THE CONTRACT HAS LONG BEEN EXECUTED AND PAYMENT OF 
THE ACTUAL CONTRACT AMOUNT HAS BEEN PAID TO THE 
FOREIGN 
CONTRACTOR LEAVING THE BALANCE OF US30 MILLION,DOLLARS IN A 
DORMANT ACCOUNT, WHICH MY COLLEAGUES AND I NOW WANT TO 
TRANSFE R OUT OF NIGERIA INTO A RELIABLE FOREIGN 
ACCOUNT FOR OUR PERSONAL USE. 

AS CIVIL SERVANTS WE DO NOT HAVE THE NECESSARY FOREIGN 
ACCOUNT MACHINERY TO SUCCESSFULLY HANDLE THIS 
TRANSACTION THEREFORE IT BECOMES NECESSARY TO SOURCE 
FOR A FOREIGN COMPANY OR AN INDIVIDUAL WITH THE 
CAPABILITY TO ACT AS THE ORIGINAL BENEFICIARY OR THE 
CONTRACTOR. 

MY DEAR, IT IS A GOOD THING THE PRESIDENT HAS ENDORSED 
THE RESOLUTION PASSED BY THE SENATE THAT ALL FOREIGN 
CONTRACTORS OWED BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA 
SHOULD BE PAID. WE WILL SEIZE THIS GOOD OPPORTUNITY TO 
SURPORT YOU AS ONE OF THE BENEFICIARIES TO BE PAID. 

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THE PROPOSAL KINDLY GET BACK 
TO ME BY SENDING ME YOUR LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE ALONG 
WITH YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS, BUT IF YOU 
CANNOT FOR ANY REASON TO HANDLE THIS TRANSACTION I 
SHOULD BE GRATEFUL, IF YOU CAN INTRODUCE IT TO A 
RELIABLE AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON IN WHICH IN ANY CASE 
YOUR INTEREST WILL BE PROPERLY TAKEN CARE OF. 

MEANWHILE, MY COLLEAGUES AND I HAVE DECIDED TO SHARE 
THE MONEY IN THE FOLLOWING RATIO: 60OR MY 
COLLEAGUES AND I, THEN 30OR YOU THE ACCOUNT OWNER 
AND 10OR ALL LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES THAT 
MAY ARISE IN THE COURSE OF THIS TRANSACTION. 

FURTHER DETAILS ABOUT THIS TRANSACTION WILL BE 
DISCUSSED IN THE SUBSEQUENT CORRESPONDENCE. 

THIS TRANSACTION IS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL BUT 100% 
RISK FREE. NOTE ALSO THAT THE PARTICULAR NATURE OF 
YOUR BUSINESS IS IRRELEVANT TO THIS TRANSACTION AND 
THIS TRANSACTION IS EXPECTED TO BE CONCLUDED WITHIN 
21 WORKING DAYS SINCE ALL LOCAL CONTACTS AND 
ARRANGEMENTS HAVE BEEN PROPERLY PERFECTED FOR A SMOOTH 
AND SUCCESSFUL CONCLUSION OF THISTRANSACTION. 

PLEASE NOTE THERE IS A PASSWORD FOR THIS TRANSACTION, 
WHICH IS (OMEGA). ON RECEIPT OF YOUR CALL (RESPONSE) 
YOU SHOULD ASK FOR THE PASSWORD AND ANY FAILURE TO 
ANSWER CORRECTLY (OMEGA), PLEASE DISCONTINUE ANY 
FURTHER DISCUSSION OR INFORMATION ABOUT YOURSELF AND 
THE TRANSACTION. 
AND ONLY THE PASSWORD (OMEGA) ALLOWS YOU TO TALK OR 
DISCLOSE ANY INFORMATION. 

WAITING FOR YOUR URGENT RESPONSE. 

YOURS FAITHFULLY

BARR.FRED UNONGO


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Obtén gratis tu cuenta de correo en StarMedia Email. ¡Regístrate hoy mismo!. http://www.starmedia.com/email


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Linux Distributor Admits Falsifying Bankruptcy To Increase Sympathy
Sales
Ann Oneemuss, Humorix Unpaid Intern Reporter
January 27, 2003

WINSTON-SALEM, NC -- In a shocking announcement, Linux
distributor Black Fedora (Nasdaq: delisted) admitted
earlier today that the company falsified accounting records
and understated its revenue by 60%.

"We hoped we could drum up sales by convincing hard-core
Linux zealots that we were about to go under and that we
desperately needed their support," explained Black Fedora's
Vice President of Creative Marketing.  "Our accountants
used a variety of tricks to make it appear that we were
only days away from bankruptcy, when in fact we have enough
cash reserves to last at least three weeks."

Company executives hoped that the threat of bankruptcy
would inspire Linux longhairs to actually buy their
products instead of downloading ISOs for free.  "Nobody
wants to see a Linux distributor go under -- that just
becomes another victory for Microsoft," said the company's
CEO.  "Besides, with each purchase you get a cute Tux
Penguin doll wearing a black fedora.  Now who wouldn't want
that?"

Black Fedora would have gotten away with their accounting
irregularities if it wasn't for one of the company's five
stockholders that blew the whistle on the deception.  

"Most companies figure that nobody ever looks at their
financial disclosures, but I did," said the whistleblower,
Eric McFlurgelhan of 421 Oak Street in North Podunk, NC.   
"I figured something was wrong when the company only listed
$40 in revenue last quarter.  I knew four of my friends
purchased Black Fedora Advanced Server at $60 a pop, so it
was obvious that revenue had to be higher than that..."

An investigator for the Securities and Exchange Commission
was perplexed by Black Fedora's fraud.  "I've seen many
companies that overstated their revenue and assets to fool
investors into thinking their stock was still worth
something when in fact the company CEO had already stolen
all the money and bought a small island in the Pacific. 
But I've never seen the opposite.  Why would any company
want people to think they were about to become bankruptcy
bait?"

Since the deception didn't cost investors any money, no
charges or lawsuits are expected to be filed against the
company, although several customers have demanded refunds. 
The president of the North Carolina Linux World Domination
Committee complained, "If I had known that Black Fedora was
doing okay, I would have spent my sympathy money on
something else, such as Humorix -- everybody knows that
outfit could go belly up at any time..."

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


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Filler Material: Lawyers, AOL, Cloning
January 29, 2003

Editor's Note: Several members of the Humorix staff have
contracted a severe case of writer's block, a serious
affliction that can last for days and causes victims to
stare into space in front of their text editors for hours
without coming up with one single original idea.
Thankfully, we have a stockpile of emergency filler
material to use during such a crisis.  We apologize
in advance for... uh... ummm... well... er... Oh crap,
I've come down with it too!


* Lawyers Banned From eBay

SILLYCON VALLEY, CA -- In a move designed to stem the tide
of frivolous lawsuits, eBay has announced that "lawyers,
attorneys, solicitors, barristers, and any other members of
the bar" will no longer be allowed to use the company's
auction service.

"Our research shows that lawyers are ten times more likely
to file a bogus lawsuit than any other group," said an eBay
press release announcing the new policy.  "Therefore, we
consider this group to be an extreme liability and we have
decided to no longer conduct business with them."

As could be expected, 13.2 nanoseconds after the
announcement, 15 different lawsuits had been filed against
eBay, claiming that the auction company was engaged in
predatory discrimination against lawyers that resulted in
the trampling of their civil rights.

"It's not fair to single out lawyers just because of a few
bad apples -- or even a few hundred thousand bad apples,"
explained one attorney who hopes to turn his case into a
class-action lawsuit encompassing every lawyer in the
country."

An eBay spokesperson issued a terse reponse, saying,
"Insurance companies are within their legal right to deny
coverage to individuals they deem 'high-risk'.  In much the
same way, our mathematical calculations clearly show that
lawyers, attorneys, shysters, et al, are all high-risk
customers.  So there!"


* Time Warner Attempts To Spin Off AOL For $126.23

SOMEWHERE -- Citing the fact that people are starting to
realize that America's Only Line (AOL) sucks, the board of
AOL Time Warner voted last week to split the company in two
and sell the AOL unit to any buyer willing to spend
US$126.23, the estimated market value of the company.

So far, however, the offer has failed to attract any
serious buyers.

"For years, AOL's whole multi-billion dollar business model
revolved around convincing newbie computer users that
'You've Got Mail!' was the height of technological
innovation," explained one industy analyst.  "Those days
are over, and now AOL has nothing to show for itself."

While AOL's subscriber base has reached the 30 million
mark, potential buyers feel threatened by the company's bad
karma, negative reputation, and financial instability.

"I finally reached the conclusion that it's just not worth
it," explained Bob, a fourteen-year-old lemonade stand
entrepreneur who had saved up just enough money to buy
AOL.  

"At first it seemed like a bargain..." he said.  "But then
I looked at AOL's earnings report today and realized just
how much money they lost in the last quarter.  My lemonade
stand is a low-budget operation, but with $50 in sales last
year, it has turned a far greater profit than AOL, thank
you very much.  I'll pass on this deal."

Another prospective buyer backed out of a deal because of
the company's reputation.  "AOL is about as hip as disco,
pogs, and Beanie Babies," she said.  "Let's face it, AOL is
*so* 1999."


* Bill Gates Speaks Out Against "Software Cloning"

REDMOND, WA -- During his first annual "State of the
Windows" speech delivered via satellite hookup to millions
of Microserfs earlier today, Microsoft figurehead Bill
Gates came out strongly against "software cloning" by
humans.  

"The practice of cloning -- or copying -- software is
unethical, immoral, and a clear violation of God's law,"
Gates said.  "We must not permit this injustice to happen
anywhere."

"Cloned software lacks technical support," he continued. 
"It lacks documentation.  It lacks Certificates of
Authenticity.  In short, it doesn't have a soul and should
never have been created."

He also took the opportunity to chastise open source
leaders for producing software that is designed to be
cloned.  "The sheer number of half-baked, half-finished
open source projects polluting the Internet clearly
demonstrates the inferior nature of cloned software.  With
each successive copy, the quality decreases."

"Peaceful methods to convince people to stop using cloned
open source software have proven fruitless," Gates said. 
"It's time for action. If that means we have to declare war
against the fruitcake Communists engaged in this vile,
inhumane practice, then so be it..."

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


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Filler Material: Lawyers, AOL, Cloning
January 29, 2003

Editor's Note: Several members of the Humorix staff have
contracted a severe case of writer's block, a serious
affliction that can last for days and causes victims to
stare into space in front of their text editors for hours
without coming up with one single original idea.
Thankfully, we have a stockpile of emergency filler
material to use during such a crisis.  We apologize
in advance for... uh... ummm... well... er... Oh crap,
I've come down with it too!


* Lawyers Banned From eBay

SILLYCON VALLEY, CA -- In a move designed to stem the tide
of frivolous lawsuits, eBay has announced that "lawyers,
attorneys, solicitors, barristers, and any other members of
the bar" will no longer be allowed to use the company's
auction service.

"Our research shows that lawyers are ten times more likely
to file a bogus lawsuit than any other group," said an eBay
press release announcing the new policy.  "Therefore, we
consider this group to be an extreme liability and we have
decided to no longer conduct business with them."

As could be expected, 13.2 nanoseconds after the
announcement, 15 different lawsuits had been filed against
eBay, claiming that the auction company was engaged in
predatory discrimination against lawyers that resulted in
the trampling of their civil rights.

"It's not fair to single out lawyers just because of a few
bad apples -- or even a few hundred thousand bad apples,"
explained one attorney who hopes to turn his case into a
class-action lawsuit encompassing every lawyer in the
country."

An eBay spokesperson issued a terse reponse, saying,
"Insurance companies are within their legal right to deny
coverage to individuals they deem 'high-risk'.  In much the
same way, our mathematical calculations clearly show that
lawyers, attorneys, shysters, et al, are all high-risk
customers.  So there!"


* Time Warner Attempts To Spin Off AOL For $126.23

SOMEWHERE -- Citing the fact that people are starting to
realize that America's Only Line (AOL) sucks, the board of
AOL Time Warner voted last week to split the company in two
and sell the AOL unit to any buyer willing to spend
US$126.23, the estimated market value of the company.

So far, however, the offer has failed to attract any
serious buyers.

"For years, AOL's whole multi-billion dollar business model
revolved around convincing newbie computer users that
'You've Got Mail!' was the height of technological
innovation," explained one industy analyst.  "Those days
are over, and now AOL has nothing to show for itself."

While AOL's subscriber base has reached the 30 million
mark, potential buyers feel threatened by the company's bad
karma, negative reputation, and financial instability.

"I finally reached the conclusion that it's just not worth
it," explained Bob, a fourteen-year-old lemonade stand
entrepreneur who had saved up just enough money to buy
AOL.  

"At first it seemed like a bargain..." he said.  "But then
I looked at AOL's earnings report today and realized just
how much money they lost in the last quarter.  My lemonade
stand is a low-budget operation, but with $50 in sales last
year, it has turned a far greater profit than AOL, thank
you very much.  I'll pass on this deal."

Another prospective buyer backed out of a deal because of
the company's reputation.  "AOL is about as hip as disco,
pogs, and Beanie Babies," she said.  "Let's face it, AOL is
*so* 1999."


* Bill Gates Speaks Out Against "Software Cloning"

REDMOND, WA -- During his first annual "State of the
Windows" speech delivered via satellite hookup to millions
of Microserfs earlier today, Microsoft figurehead Bill
Gates came out strongly against "software cloning" by
humans.  

"The practice of cloning -- or copying -- software is
unethical, immoral, and a clear violation of God's law,"
Gates said.  "We must not permit this injustice to happen
anywhere."

"Cloned software lacks technical support," he continued. 
"It lacks documentation.  It lacks Certificates of
Authenticity.  In short, it doesn't have a soul and should
never have been created."

He also took the opportunity to chastise open source
leaders for producing software that is designed to be
cloned.  "The sheer number of half-baked, half-finished
open source projects polluting the Internet clearly
demonstrates the inferior nature of cloned software.  With
each successive copy, the quality decreases."

"Peaceful methods to convince people to stop using cloned
open source software have proven fruitless," Gates said. 
"It's time for action. If that means we have to declare war
against the fruitcake Communists engaged in this vile,
inhumane practice, then so be it..."

--
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