From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Dec 1 03:33:57 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:15310 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 1 Dec 2002 03:33:49 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sun, 01 Dec 2002 03:31:58 +0100 (CET) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.179]:31360 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 1 Dec 2002 03:31:51 +0100 Received: from mocape01-57.midwest.net ([209.248.17.67] helo=ldd.net) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 18IJtc-0000yY-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Sat, 30 Nov 2002 18:31:49 -0800 Message-ID: <3DE971DC.A57CDAF3@ldd.net> Date: Sat, 30 Nov 2002 20:20:12 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.79 [en] (X11; U; Linux 2.4.18-3 i586) X-Accept-Language: en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Got An Extra Wall To Spare? Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Spam-Status: No, hits=0.7 required=5.0 tests=SUBJ_ENDS_IN_Q_MARK,PORN_11 version=2.20 X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Got An Extra Wall To Spare? November 30, 2002 Did you get suckered into choosing Betamax? Did you rush out and buy a Laserdisc player? Are you dreading the migration to DVD because it means your extensive collection of videos will be relegated to the garage sales of history? Got fifty grand to spare and an extra room in your house you aren't doing anything with? You might be the perfect candidate for the "Model Zero", an all-in-one home entertainment system that includes everything except the kitchen sink (and those can be purchased easily at any hardware store). From Edison Wax Cylinders to Player Piano Punchcards to Digital Versatile Discs, this eight-by-ten feet contraption can play every single analog or digital storage medium ever produced since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution. Designed by "Five Guys In A Garage Electronics, Inc." of Muncie, Indiana, the Model Zero includes 256 different types of disk drives, tape players, memory slots, film spindles, signal tuners, and other attachments. In the words of company president and janitor Eric Panoylia, "If the Model Zero can't play it, then it hasn't been invented yet." Mr. Panoylia continued, "For the geek that has everything, this is the home entertainment system that can play everything. Video, audio, still photos -- it's all the same to the Model Zero. The only thing this product doesn't have is a cool name." The company agreed to deliver a prototype of the Model Zero to Humorix World Headquarters in exchange for a positive review of it. While most publications wouldn't agree to such an blatant form of bribery, we here at Humorix aren't going to let a little thing like journalistic integrity get in the way of acquiring free stuff. And what geek wouldn't want to own the world's largest home entertainment system, capable of playing an Edison Wax Cylinder while converting multiple Betamax tapes to DVD at the same time that it records signals from 50 different TV and radio stations to a 80 terabyte array of hard drives for later viewing? Well, okay, the Model Zero only has a 40 terabyte array of hard drives. But who needs to count when you can play every single record (no matter what size or speed) ever produced from a piece of vinyl during the history of mankind? The Model Zero uses lasers to scan any record and then employs ASI (Artificial Somewhat Intelligence) to automatically determine the optimum method for playing the disc that will produce the best quality to please even the most hard-core audiophile. The prototype device delivered to Humorix was bundled with a 500 page manual. Don't worry, 493 of the pages describe all of the formats that the system can work with and where each of the drives, slots, holders, and spindles are located. The VHS slots, for instance, are in Sector 3 of Row 5, Column D, right next to the microfilm spindles and the 8 inch floppy drive. After inserting the tape, you can simply say "Play DVD, volume at 75%, skip stupid FBI warning and previews", and the voice recognition system will take care of the rest. Except for the Master On/Off switch and the 196 eject buttons, everything else is voice activated. The system can handle "Play Laserdisc 3" just as easily as "Read CD 4, bypass copy protection, and record all songs except the crappy ones to my computer's hard drive via Ethernet link" (in the second case, the ASI already has enough knowledge to guesstimate which songs you will find "crappy"). For the extreme geeks, however, the system also contains a variety of ports (PS/2, AT, USB, etc.) to plug in a keyboard or other input device, allowing the user to issue commands in a Bash-like shell or a Perl-ish programming language. After a week of testing the Model Zero prototype, the staff of Humorix couldn't find anything to complain about. Every wax cylinder, IBM punch card, Zip disk, cassette, and video tape we were able to dig out from the Humorix basement worked perfectly. Meanwhile, we couldn't find one peripheral in the entire building that didn't have a plug for it -- Ethernet, USB, parallel port, SCSI, Token Ring, and Atari joystick cables all worked flawlessly. Even with the sudden deluge of incompatible storage formats for digital cameras and MP3 players (SmartMedia, CompactFlash, Memory Sticks, Secure Digital whatever, etc.), we still couldn't find a card that the system was unable to read (unless we broke the card in two and stomped on the pieces several times, and even then we still had a 15% success rate after shoving the pieces into the slot). We don't know how the five guys at Five Guys In A Garage Electronics, Inc. were able to produce this monster, but we're not asking questions. The problems that geeks constantly face -- inane copy protection schemes, planned obsolescence of storage formats, and music industry world domination attempts -- are all vanquished by the Model Zero. With this device installed at Humorix World Headquarters, we'll never need to set foot in an electronics store ever again. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Wed Dec 4 02:49:57 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:4322 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 4 Dec 2002 02:49:50 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Wed, 04 Dec 2002 02:48:07 +0100 (CET) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.179]:18158 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 4 Dec 2002 02:48:03 +0100 Received: from mocape01-69.midwest.net ([209.248.17.79] helo=ldd.net) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 18JOdr-0003Fg-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Tue, 03 Dec 2002 17:48:00 -0800 Message-ID: <3DED5E3D.AECCFB5B@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 03 Dec 2002 19:45:33 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.79 [en] (X11; U; Linux 2.4.18-3 i586) X-Accept-Language: en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Finally, A Solution To The Lawyer Problem Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Spam-Status: No, hits=0.0 required=5.0 tests= version=2.20 X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Finally, A Solution To The Lawyer Problem December 3, 2002 What's the difference between a flea and a lawyer? Mankind has invented flea collars, but there's no such thing as lawyer repellent. Until now. Everybody that has a fear of being sued will be interested in the new invention of New Jersey resident Dr. Lou Peemind. The inventor claims that his anti-lawyer spray is "97.5% effective against lawyers and other blood-seeking animals such as sharks, weasels, and vultures." According to Dr. Peemind, the anti-lawyer spray contains chemicals that fool lawyers into thinking that you are dirt poor -- but incredibly smart. "A good lawyer will never take a case against somebody that doesn't have much money. What good is winning a multi-million dollar settlement if the defendant is living in the YMCA?" Peemind explained. "My patent-pending chemical makes the wearer smell... well, poor... and financially uninteresting." Meanwhile, lawyers don't like to tangle with people that have keen knowledge of the legal system and know the meaning of key phrases in Latin, the language that attorneys have unsuccessfully tried to keep secret. The anti-lawyer spray creates the illusion that the wearer is "the world's smartest geek that has memorized every page in Black's Law Dictionary and who won't be fooled by cheap legal tricks and maneuvers." This reporter pointed out that Peemind's lawyer repellent is suspiciously similar to the "bully repellent" featured on an episode of The Simpsons. The inventor responded, "Well, every single idea known to mankind has been featured on The Simpsons -- or South Park, or both. I'm not too worried about getting sued... after all, I have my anti-attorney spray..." Dr. Peemind wasn't able to produce any scientific proof that his lawyer repellent actually repels lawyers, but he did point out, "I haven't been sued yet since I invented it!" He continued, "I'm confident this chemical will cause lawyers to think twice before filing a lawsuit against you. There's no guarantee, of course, since lawyers -- like wild animals -- are totally unpredictable, but this is better than nothing." We talked to one ex-lawyer who seemed highly skeptical that a lawyer repellent is possible. "The presence of some odor wouldn't cause me to radically alter my behavior. You simply can't force people to start behaving irrationally just because you present them with harmless chemicals... By the way, would you happen to know of a good hangover remedy? I had a little too much to drink last night and I don't even remember how I got home..." Our own legal counsel, Mr. Noah Morals, also seemed doubtful. "I didn't become the number 22nd lawyer in this city without a keen sense of intuition into who I should sue and who I should leave alone. I'll be able to smell right through this gimmick..." We will find out soon enough whether this invention represents the best defense against the dreaded Lawyerclysm, or yet another false hope available at the retail price of $19.95 per bottle. It should be available at finer stores (and not-so-fine stores) not near you within the next six months. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Wed Dec 18 05:47:40 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:12420 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 18 Dec 2002 05:47:33 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Wed, 18 Dec 2002 05:37:38 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.182]:28544 "EHLO sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 18 Dec 2002 05:36:50 +0100 Received: from mocape01-163.midwest.net ([209.248.17.173] helo=ldd.net) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 18OVw7-0000v0-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Tue, 17 Dec 2002 20:35:59 -0800 Message-ID: <3DFFE365.F7F474D9@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 17 Dec 2002 20:54:29 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.79 [en] (X11; U; Linux 2.4.18-3 i586) X-Accept-Language: en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Hollywood Cracks Down On "Music Leaks" Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Spam-Status: No, hits=0.0 required=5.0 tests= version=2.20 X-Spam-Level: X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Hollywood Cracks Down On "Music Leaks" December 17, 2002 BARSTOW, CA -- It's 7:31 PM and Special RIAA Enforcement Agent Gus Toppoh hits the pavement armed with his hand-held sound meter. This night he's investigating a house at 151 Pleasant Pine Grove Hill Estates Road that, according to one anonymous informer, has been playing loud, copyrighted music at night without a public performance license. Sure enough, at 1,000 feet away, his meter detects music at a decible level that far exceeds the legal limit. It's time to crash the party. Such investigative legwork has been increasingly common as the RIAA and other paranoid industry-trade groups have ramped up their efforts to stop music "leaks". "Well, it's obviously theft," said Agent Toppoh just before busting down the door of the house. "Because of the illegally high volume level, everybody in this neighborhood can enjoy the music without paying for it. If you look at any CD case, the End Peon License Agreement clearly states that the music shall only be used for the personal enjoyment of exactly one person. If anybody else in the vicinity can hear it, then you're in violation of the license, unless you purchase additional CDs or beg for a public performance license." During the night, Toppoh busted 13 people for deliberately "leaking" music protected by intellectual property law. One mall that played Christmas music over its loudspeakers without the express written permission of the RIAA (they only had vague oral permission from a music store employee) now faces a $400K fine. A CompUSSR store manager was fined for tuning his floor-model televisions to MTV, allowing customers to listen to music videos without paying any royalties. (The manager argued that MTV doesn't play music videos anyway, but Toppoh was unconvinced. "Stranger things have happened," he said while writing the citation.) One person was even busted for whistling a tune from a 1974 song while walking down a sidewalk, in plain hearing of several people. "It's a public performance of a copyprotected song," Gus Toppoh said. "I have to write a ticket." Meanwhile, the owner of an office tower managed to escape serious punishment when Agent Toppoh came calling. "I assumed the musak playing in the elevators was a violation," Toppoh said, "but it turned out that the owner did indeed have a license. But I still issued a verbal warning because it took him five minutes to find the contract in his safe, a severe waste of my precious time." "All in all, it's a tough job," he said while cruising down the highway, his eyes watching the series of microphones mounted on his car that continually search for stray waves of copyrighted music. "But I love it. It's all about stopping pirates and thieves from bankrupting the music industry and protecting our Constitutional right to innovate. Now if you'll excuse me, my sensors detect an illegal broadcast of 'Happy Birthday' coming from this church..." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/