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China Cracks Down On Naughty Websites
by Anonymous Cowherd, not his or her real pseudonym
June 1, 2002

The Chinese government has unveiled a new program to
bolster its effort to prevent citizens from looking at
things-not-in-their-best-interests on the  Internet. 
Previous attempts to censor local proxy servers failed
miserably when users quickly discovered the country's worst
kept Internet secret: they could just use an outside proxy.
The local blocking of such anti-China websites as
linux-usb.org, freshmeat and the 1394  trade association
was simply too easy to circumvent.  Even with rooms of
police officers constantly trawling the 'Net for prohibited
content, it was impossible to keep up with all of the
pro-USB propoganda.

Australia, an even more draconian web censor, has
experienced similar  problems with the un-enforcability of
its Internet decency laws. But China  has the solution.
Under their new system, teams of police officers will
patrol Internet bars and look over everybody's shoulders to
prevent users from seeing something naughty they shouldn't
see.

"This is a stand for protecting our youth from foreign
perversions,"  (translated) said one television executive
miffed that most of his viewers  prefer ICQ chat instead of
commercials for expensive medicine that makes your 
children grow taller and do better at school (at the same
time -- you have to  see the ads!).

"It is for the protection of our young people's fragile
minds," (translated)  said a government spokesman.  He may
or may not have added, "If they see even one page of
forbidden content, their lives will be ruined.  We can't
let that happen."   [Editor: Feel free to insert a snide
comment here about how politicians are the same the world
over regardless of ideology.]
.

.

.

.

.

.

APRIL FOOLS!

This is an official Humorix April Fools gag. The above news
story is NOT fake at all... it is COMPLETELY TRUE!!! If you
failed to believe it for a moment, you were fooled.  As
Nelson on the Simpsons would say, "Ha-ha!"

Yes, we know it isn't April First. But what is the point of
having April Fools Day at the same time every year? Who is
fooled by that?  We here at Humorix have officially
declared today as June Fools Day -- because one day a year
simply isn't enough for fake-news-disguised-as-true-news
or, in this case, true-news-disguised-as-fake-news.  

So there!

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Jun  4 02:58:40 2002
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Internet Paralyzed By Surge Of Microsoft Word Documents
June 3, 2002

SILLYCON VALLEY -- An unexpected flood of Microsoft Word
email attachments during the past month has brought
countless routers and mail servers to their knees. 
Accoring to research by the Vast Spy Network(tm), 95% of
these documents are being sent by desperate college
graduates frantically searching for a job in the tight job
market before Bubba from the student loan office tracks
them down.  Since many Pointy Haired Bosses require job
applications and resumes to be sent in Microsoft Word
format, a horde of Computer Science grads have unleashed a
tidal wave of .doc files that have surpassed the bandwidth
wasted by spam, email viruses, and the Slashdot Effect
combined.

"I've never seen anything like it," explained one Human
Resources weasal at Excelizon Synamics, Inc., a consulting
firm that only uses Microsoft products (last month, one
employee got canned for having the audacity to use a
Macintosh at home, a clear violation of company policy). 
"Our Exchange server has crashed several times per hour
under the strain of multi-megabyte Word documents that only
contain two-page resumes."  She added, "We've only had one
job opening in the past month and yet 10,623 frantic
graduates have applied. What a mess."

A combination of a slugging tech industry, high
unemployment, and extreme rates of procrastination among
college students has prompted a huge number of graduates to
enter the workforce not working.   "From hacking on Perl
scripts or writing diatribes about the RIAA, your typical
college student doesn't have time to devote to something
trivial like finding a job," explained one industry
observer who is currently "between jobs".

Many Linux longhairs have come to the realization that they
can't get a job unless they sell their soul to Bill Gates. 
First, they have to install Windows and Microsoft Office at
home so they can send off their resumes in the requisite
Word format (oh, the humanity!).  Next, if they get an
interview, they have to spout off vast quantities of
buzzwords and other PHB-speak to impress the interviewer. 
Finally, once employed, they have to sit in a tiny cubicle
stuck with only Microsoft products like LookOut! and (oh,
the horror!) PoorPoint with absolutely no hope of Linux or
even Macintosh coming to the rescue.

"It's tough," said one college graduate who had to break
down and do the unthinkable: get a MCSE certification.  "At
least I landed a job, but now I feel so dirty.  Microsoft
has claimed victory over another former Linux idealist who
has now reluctantly entered the Windows workforce."

However, some businesses have started to rethink their
Word-only policy as a result of all of the server crashes. 
"If Exchange could deliver email as well as Outlook
delivers viruses, we wouldn't have any trouble," said a
former Linux kernel hacker who now works as a Windows 2000
system administrator at one of the five dot-coms that
haven't gone bankrupt yet. "Our Exchange server simply
can't handle the load of so many .doc files. I tried
posting a notice on the company website that we won't have
any job vacancies until 2008, but that strategy hasn't
worked because our IIS webserver is also constantly down."

Last week, when Red Hat posted a job announcement online,
the company received 5,623 inquiries within two hours. 
"The ironic part is that 90% of the mail we received
included Word attachments," said a Red Hat hiring manager. 
"Now why the heck would we hire somebody for a Linux system
administrator position that doesn't know to send a plain
ASCII text file? Thankfully, our Red Hat Enhanced
Enterprise Professional Advantage Plus  distro includes an
anti-virus and anti-Word mail filter that automatically
intercepts and deletes all attachments while sending back a
bounce message that says, "Please don't use Word, it really
makes you look absurd."

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


From ihftfinangibalt4@lycos.com Fri Jun  7 12:16:53 2002
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From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sat Jun 15 23:26:58 2002
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Quit Stealing My Identity!
Guest Editorial by John Doe
June 15, 2002

I thought I could beat the system.  I thought I could
outsmart Big Brother, Big Evil Corporations, and my
relatives.  I thought I could put an end to telemarketers,
junk mail, spam, and privacy invasions.  

Last year, I legally changed my name to John Doe, relocated
to a small town in Ohio (zip code 44444) and moved into a
house at 123 Fake Street.  I figured that government,
corporations, and other privacy-invading bad guys would
automatically drop such a bogus-sounding name and address
from their databases.

But it hasn't worked out like I planned.

I didn't count on the sheer number of people that supply
fake personal information when registering online.  I
didn't anticipate that thousands of people would claim to
be "John Doe" at "123 Fake Street" in "Newton Falls, OH 
44444" when filling out forms at yet another dotcom
company.  

As a result, my name and address have been entered into
every single database of personal information within the
entire country.  Every person that has ever claimed to be
"John Doe" at "123 Fake Street" has inadvertantly stolen my
identity.

I get 20 pounds of junk mail per day.  Two weeks ago, the
neighborhood postman requested a transfer to another city
after he had thrown his back out five times delivering my
mail.  Meanwhile, I receive telemarketing "courtesy" calls
approximately every 3.2 minutes at my phone number,
222-2222, although I now leave that phone off the hook and
use another unlisted number for real calls (but even that
line gets several unwanted calls per day).

Credit card companies have sent me enough "pre-approved"
card offers during the past year that, if I accepted all of
them, I would instantly have a credit limit of over 10
million dollars.  You don't even want to know how much spam
I get -- my last ISP nearly went out of business adding new
bandwidth to handle my email volume.

I happen to know somebody who works at the New York Times. 
He once told me that 10,352 people had registered on their
website under the name "John Doe", and 513 of them entered
had also entered the address "123 Fake Street".  That
hurts.  Unfortunately, these obviously bogus accounts have
never been deleted from their database.  One time I
received 513 copies of the same junk mail letter
advertising new subscription rates.

This insanity must end.  Please -- for all four of you that
will read this -- tell your friends to stop using my
identity when registering online.  If you must lie about
yourself, be creative.  Invent your own unique fake
identity and leave people like me alone. All of the "John
Does", "Bob Smiths", "Bill Johnsons", "Joe Williams", "Mike
Browns", and "Anon E. Musses" of the world will thank you
for it.

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Jun 21 04:50:07 2002
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Court Rules Against "Deep Citations"
June 20, 2002

TOLEDO, OHIO -- In a stunning decision, a Federal judge
ruled that a graduate student at Northern Ohio Ivy Minor
League College violated copyright law by including a "deep
citation" in his research paper to a copyrighted magazine
article he used as a source.

"This is a victory for publishers everywhere," said Mr.
Vull Churr, lawyer representing Random Lawsuit Home, Inc. 
"No longer will readers be permitted to bypass the table of
contents -- along with the advertising -- within our
magazines. We want them to have a full and complete reading
experience. That will only happen if scholars stop
directing readers to specific page numbers and instead
encourage them to browse through the whole magazine issue
and thus appreciate the full context of the work."

The judge ruled that any "deep citation" including a page
number or chapter title must be pre-approved by the
publisher in writing.  "If you flip to a specific page in a
magazine and read the content while bypassing the
advertisements, then you are a thief," the judge wrote in
his decision, which was apparently lifted straight out of a
Random Lawsuit Home press release.

"Does anybody have airplane tickets and an entry visa for a
country that doesn't have lawyers?" the losing defendant
said.  "I simply can't believe this decision.  If Random
Home is so paranoid about 'deep citations', why don't they
use technical means to prevent the problem?  Why not simply
print several versions of each magazine issue in which the
articles appear at different, random page numbers in each
one?  That would make it impossible to link to a specific
page.  For that matter, why have page numbers at all?"

Right on cue, the USJEOEACDICL (Union of Slashdot Junkies
Expressing Outrage at Every Asinine Court Decision
Involving Copyright Laws) issued a statement expressing
outrage at this asinine court decision involving copyright
laws. Unfortunately, we cannot include their statement here
because it includes deep citations to several books about
copyright law.  Our lawyer, Mr. Noah Morals, pointed out
that the Humorix legal defense fund currently includes only
15 cents, which is not quite enough protection against the
barrage of deep linking lawsuits that would likely result.

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


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