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Organization: Humorix World Domination
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April Fool's Day Conspiracy

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has done it again.  Our
spies have unraveled yet another global conspiracy, this
time involving one of the biggest cover-ups in the history
of cover-ups.  "April Fool's Day" is an invention by an
unholy alliance of Big Evil Companies (BECs) and Big
Bloated Governments (BBGs) to fool all of the sheeple into
ignoring real news stories published on April 1st. 

According to secret documents not obtained by the Vast Spy
Network(tm), April Fool's Day originates from a clandestine
meeting of world leaders that took place on April 1, 1902
somewhere in Europe.  The goal was to invent a holiday
during which people would assume all news stories were
bogus.  In this way, scandalous and controversial news
could be quietly released by BECs and BBGs and these
stories would remain unnoticed by the public.

"It's a brilliant strategy," one informant told us. This
source claims to be the grandson of a half-brother of a
neighbor of a janitor that overheard a discussion about the
April Fool's Meeting while waiting at a train station. He
continued, "They can announce a tax increase or a  new
draconian policy on April 1 and everybody will assume the
story was intended as a prank.  By April 2nd, the bad news
is completely forgotten and the company or government can
get away with whatever they want."

For instance, our spies uncovered a Securities and Exchange
Commission filing by Enron made April 1, 2001.  In this
document the company stated in fine print that, "We advise
anybody still holding Enron stock to refrain from quitting
their day jobs..." and "We have $12.52 left in our company
bank account and our accountants aren't sure if that money
is even ours..."  Of course, anybody who happened to read
this S-1 filing just assumed (like everything else
published that day) this was an April Fool's gag
perpetrated by some bored SEC employee.  Instead, it was
another salvo in the long-running April Fool's Day
Conspiracy.

This year, several real stories broke that were dismissed
by almost everybody as fake news.  Microsoft announced a
change to the End User License Agreement for Windows XP
that makes it illegal to install or use software covered by
the GNU General Public License within one hundred feet of a
Microsoft product.  A press release issued April 1 from
Redmond stated that the licensing change was intended
"...to ensure the best possible computing experience for
our users and to protect Microsoft's valuable intellectual
property rights from anti-American Communist
sympathizers..."  The press release, with the headline
"Microsoft Plots World Domination By Banning Open Source
Software", was dismissed as an outlandish parody produced
by some anti-Microsoft humor website.  Nobody suspected the
story was an authentic product of the Microsoft Marketing &
Brainwashing Department.

In addition, the Federal Bureau of Investigation & Privacy
Violations issued the result of an internal study which
concluded that even if the Carnivore/DCS-1000/Whatever
spyware program was deployed at every single ISP in the
country, only 0.000000000000000000001% of crimes would be
prevented or uncovered by the technology.  Naturally, the
Feds didn't want those left-leaning Libertarian
Constitution-quoting right-wing zealots to get ahold of
this little gem, so they buried the story on April Fool's
Day. 

Apparently Fritz Hollings (D-Mickey Mouse) also had plans
to take advantage of the April Fool's opportunity, but an
internal miscommunication among his staff caused
everybody's favorite senator to miss the boat.  He was
going to announce a new law under consideration (the "It's
For The Children Act With A Really Long Name That Nobody
Can Pronounce Or Remember" [IFTCAWARLNTNCPOR]) that would
make it an impeachable offense for any fellow member of
Congress to vote against a bill with the words "It's For
The Children" in the title, including bills that have
nothing to do with the children or any other feel-good
topic.  At any rate, Sen. Hollings was unable to capitalize
on the Conspiracy and so the bill will thankfully remain on
the drawing board until next year.  

(We haven't received word yet on whether Hollywood will
demand a refund of their campaign contributions because
Hollings was unable to deliver the bill they ordered and
paid for.)

We here at Humorix would like to point out that the we
didn't publish any April Fool's Day articles this year
because we did not want to be associated with this, one of
the evilest of evil conspiracies. It's not because we were
too lazy to create any amusing April Fool's Day pranks, we
just didn't want to align ourselves with any shadowy
organizations.  Well, okay, so maybe we were lazy and maybe
we couldn't think of anything funny to publish on April
1st.  That still doesn't make the Conspiracy any less
horrible or terrible!

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Apr  7 01:23:26 2002
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Humorix Hopes To Get Rich Quick Before "Dot Org" Bubble Bursts
April 6, 2002

For years, we jumped on the dotcom bandwagon and hoped to
become financially independent right away.  We did
everything we could -- we called our website a "PORTAL"
just like everyone else, and we had a wildly successful
Initial Public Offering (for a few hours, anyway). 
However, any hope of striking gold was washed away when the
dotcom bubble burst and Silicon Valley became a ghost town.

Now we're jumping on another bandwagon.  Since Humorix has
never turned a profit, we feel that we are qualified to
label Humorix as a non-profit organization.  We've
registered the humorix.org domain name and now we're all
set to cash in on the "Dot Org" craze. This business model
seems to be working quite nicely over at the for-profit
non-profit Slashdot.org website and now we want a piece of
the action.

"It's seems clear that we can rake in more profits as a
non-profit organization rather than a for-profit company,"
explained Mr. G. E. Trich, Humorix's former Investor
Relations Officer & Executive Book Cooker (now his title
has been shrunk to simply Head Book Cooker).   "People
never willingly hand over their hard-earned money to a
company. But a non-profit organization?  When it comes to
getting rich quick -- er, I mean, when it comes to
fundraising, the sky's the limit!"

We haven't yet drawn up a business plan (or should we call
it an organization mission statement?), but we're not too
concerned. Now that we've eliminated our stock (formerly
Nasdaq: FAUX), we no longer have to answer tough questions
posed by both of our ex-shareholders, such as "Why aren't
you even trying to make money?" and "Why did you just spend
$1.2 million on a new swimming pool for Humorix World
Headquarters?"

Some critics charge that Humorix's transformation into a
non-profit organization is a scam.  "The only reason they
registered the humorix.org domain name was because .net and
.com were already taken," charged one industry observer who
may or may not have actually said that.  He might have
continued, "No wonder their pathetic attempts at becoming a
successful dotcom company never took off -- they didn't
even have their own dotcom domain name to start with! 
Sheesh."

Mr. Yu Surre, the Loan Officer at the Second Local Bank of
the Bahamas to which Humorix currently owes $1,695.02 in
debt, was unavailable for comment at press time.

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Apr 11 04:47:30 2002
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Organization: Humorix World Domination
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>From Domain Names To Domain Nations
April 10, 2002

SYNN CITY, ICANNIA -- Recently, ICANN (ICANN Controls All
Network Navigation) voted to eliminate all vestiges of
democracy from its structure and transform itself into an
independent island nation with its own currency and
standing army (consisting of bureaucrats, lawyers,
marketers, and PR flacks).  The new country of "Icannia"
will maintain monopolies on its only resources, Internet
domain names and hot air.

In response, the Internet community has declared ICANN as
damage and has already taken steps to route around it.  Mr.
Les Hope, founder of the brand new organization NO-U-CANNT
(the meaning of the acronym hasn't been decided yet),
explained in a public address carried via live ASCII
broadcast, "We must take back our domain names before ICANN
chief Luart 'Napolean' Synn is able to crown himself
Emperor Of The Internet!"

NO-U-CANNT has not yet formulated a plan to defeat ICANN or
Icannia. Indeed, NO-U-CANNT still hasn't figured out how
its own structure should be set up.  Earlier today, the
PAHCC (Preliminary Ad-Hoc Constitutional Committee) held a
RFD (Request For Discussion) meeting but didn't  make any
headway on creating a PPP (Preliminary Progress Plan)
towards drafting an Interrim Provisional NO-U-CANNT Core
Charter.  

"One of the problems with ICANN is its bloated,
bureaucratic nature.  All of ICANN's responsibilities could
be adequately handled by a well-written Perl script and yet
this supposed non-profit organization spends millions of
dollars on legal fees," explained the IALC (Interrim
At-Large Chairman) of NO-U-CANNT before attending a BFE
(Big Fundraising Event) to raise funds to pay for the BPD
(Beer, Pizzas, and other Digestibles) that will be freely
distributed at upcoming meetings of the ADWG (Acronym
Definition Working Group) and PAHCC (Preliminary Ad-Hoc
Constitutional Committee).

Not everybody is jumping up and down at the opportunity to
overthrow ICANN.  "Meet the new boss, same as the old
boss," said a charter member of the "Verisign Stole My
Domain Name And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt That I Had
To Buy Myself" support group. "The only real solution," he
continued, "is to invent a time machine and bring back Jon
Postel alive from the past."

One crackpot said, "Our only hope is to eliminate the
entire Domain Name System and replace it with something
else.  My company, Free Energy, Cold Fusion, and Mind
Reading Technologies Ltd., has developed a prototype device
for reading a computer's users mind and translating their
thoughts into the IP address of the website they wish to
visit.  We hope to have a working prototype (running on our
patended dielectric sub-lateral trans-dimensional
heavy-water cold fusion device)  next year, funding
permitting."

>From his new office in Synn City, Icannia, the Interrim
Malevolent Dictator Luart Synn issued a statement that
said, "By forming our own independent nation, Icannia will
be able to provide high-quality domain names at reduced
prices while also offering several exciting new Top Level
Domains including .spam, .mlm, .workfromhome,
.getrichquick, and .casino.  We welcome other large
businesses and organizations to join us and reap the
rewards of forming your own independent nation free from
taxes and free from those pesky consumer protection
regulations."
--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


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From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Apr 14 20:14:39 2002
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Red Hat's Anti-Windows Website Runs On Windows
April 14, 2002

RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC -- In response to Microsoft's "We Have
The Way Out" advertising blitz, Red Hat Software last week
unveiled its own campaign, "Yes They Have The Way Out". 
Taking a cue from Microsoft, Red Hat has decided to host
its own anti-Windows campaign website on a Windows server.

"Why didn't we think of this earlier?" explained Erik
Schweikert, a Red Hat advertising manager.  "Already, our
Windows 2000 webserver has proven to be slow, crash-prone,
and error-prone.  According to our testing, one out of
every two visitors to YesTheyHaveTheWayOut.com is greeted
by a 'Server Too Busy' or other uninformative IIS error
message. By showing Windows (in)action, we have crafted the
perfect Linux advertising campaign."

If a visitor happens to visit the website during a time in
which the Windows server is actually up and running, they
will be greeted with a series of pages describing all of
the "benefits" of Microsoft software.  

"If you don't like powerful user interfaces," one page
says, "Microsoft has the way out... into a world of
click-and-drool graphical dialog boxes so simple that even
a five your old could operate them..."

Another section exclaims, "If you don't like depending your
mission critical business on software with the source code
available, Microsoft has the way out... into a world of
software with locked-down source code designed to prevent
malicious hackers from taking advantage of security holes
and also ensuring that only well-trained Microsoft
engineers make changes to the code instead of your
snot-nosed 14 year old nephew."

The rest of the site has other similarly crafted sections
showcasing the kind of world that Microsoft allows you to
"escape" to. "This is one of the best promotional campaigns
that we've spearheaded," explained the Red Hat ad manager. 
"This is even cooler than that billboard we erected last
year showing the Blue Screen of Death with the caption 'Is
this really where you want to go today?'"

Not everybody is quite as impressed with the Red Hat
promotional endeavor.  "Your typical Pointy Haired Boss
doesn't understand sarcasm or parody," said a writer for
Ziff-Davis.  "This stuff will go right over their heads and
they'll honestly believe that click-and-drool interfaces
and security-through-obscurity really are Microsoft
advantages.   After all, the only reason that Dilbert is
still around is that PHBs don't get the jokes."

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


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Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory Of Everything
April 16, 2002

Since its inception in 1998, Humorix has sponsored a
multi-dozen dollar project to seek out and hire the best
conspiracy theorists from around the globe and allow them
to collaborate in our state-of-the-art 5,000 square feet
conspiracy theory research lab deep within the
sub-sub-basement of Humorix World Headquarters(tm).

We are proud to announce that the Humorix Vast Conspiracy
Theory Research Division(tm) has finally unveiled the most
daring achievement of modern conspiriology: the Grand
Unified Conspiracy Theory Of Everything (GUCTOE).

"We have been able to unify every single known conspiracy
into one elegant theory," explained Mennon Black, head
conspiriologist at Humorix.  "Albert Einstein dedicated
much of his life to finding a Grand Unified Theory that
fully explained the natural laws of the Universe.  He never
reached that point. We, however, have taken a much
different approach and instead only focused on finding a
unified theory of conspiracy theories. We have reached that
point and now know the secret of Everything, although we
are still unclear about Life and the Universe.  We're
pretty sure the answer isn't 42, however."

"The skeptics kept hounding us with skepticism about our
conspiracy research," explained assistant conspiriologist
Mr. N. Saine.  "But now we've proven them wrong.  The good
conspiracy theorists can expand their theories and invent
new ad-hoc hypotheses to explain any contradictory facts or
observations that would otherwise falsify their theories. 
The really good conspiracy theorists -- like us -- can
expand our theories to account for every single conflicting
fact, every single contradictory observation, and every
single competing conspiracy theory ever encountered by
mankind since the dawn of civilization."

Back in 1999, the Humorix conspiracy researchers
successfully united conspiracy theories regarding UFOs and
JFK.  "It seemed natural to join these two field of
conspiriology to produce  TINFOIL-HATS (Theory Integrating
Numerous Flying Object Incidents Likely Having Associations
To Slayings), a  unified theory that explained the JFK
assassination (and other sinister plots) in terms of alien
involvement and a government coverup," Black said.

>From there, the group produced SCREWBALL (Supposition
Connecting Roswell Evidence With Beliefs About Lost
Lieutenants), a unified theory linking the Roswell alien
crash to the string of  military airplane disappearances in
the Bermuda Triangle.  By early 2001, the researchers had
reached DELUSIONS (Direct Evidence Linking UFO Sightings,
Intersteller Oddities, and Natural Selection), a conjecture
that all life on earth was seeded by aliens.

At this point, however, the conspiracy theorists hit a
snag.  "It was simply too much," Mennon Black explained. 
"From ESP to ghosts to to Echelon to Big Brother to UFOs to
astrology to the moon landing hoax to contrails to Area 51
to the Loch Ness Monster to the Illuminati to Microsoft to
Pinky and the Brain to Major League Baseball to cold fusion
to Communists to the New World Order to crop circles to
cattle mutilations to black helicopters to TWA Flight 800
to Senator Fritz Hollings, we simply couldn't keep track of
all the conspiracies."

It was at this point that assistant researcher N. Saine had
a brainstorm.  "What if all the conspiracy theories were
completely wrong?"  From this the group worked long hours
and took even longer coffee breaks and eventually achieved
the holy grail of conspiriology.  

The grand unified conspiracy theory works like this: Every
single _other_ conspiracy theory has been deliberately
crafted by  dark, sinister forces (hereinafter referred to
as "They") and then implanted into society (mostly through
Usenet, but also via FOX, the National Enquirer, and other
prestigious media outlets).  The goal of these contrived
conspiracy theories -- ranging from Roswell to Elvis -- is
to lead us off the track and away from the Truth.

Every minute we watch a FOX special on the moon landing
hoax or an alien autopsy is one less minute we have free to
investigate Them and the Truth. Every minute we spend
speculating on the Orwelling nightmare the FBI and CIA are
leading us towards is one less minute we have available to
ponder the even more sinister nightmare future They are
pushing us towards.  Every minute we debate about Elvis' or
Diana's or JKF's death is one less minute we have to ponder
questions about who They are, what They represent, when
They plan to implement their evil plans, and where They
plan on taking us.  Every minute we complain about the
conspiracy by the MPAA and RIAA to turn the Internet into
pay-per-view television is one less minute to rebel against
the plans drafted by Them to turn the world into a living
hell.  

There's still a few rought spots in the theory to iron out.
"Okay, so we don't know who They are or how They have been
so successful in crafting these conspiracy theories
designed to divert us away from the real conspiracy," Mr.
Black admitted.  "We really don't know what They have in
store for us.  And we certainly don't know how to stop
them. But at least we can start working on those problems
instead of being distracted by mindless paranoia about
contrails or Microsoft Passport..."

Humorix's researchers are scheduled to present their Grand
Unified Conspiracy Theory of Everything at the next meeting
of ConConCon, the Connecticut Conspiracy Convention, to be
held in May.

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


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Deutsche Bahn Receives Special Delivery From Google
April 18, 2002

In response to Deutsche Bahn's pending lawsuit against
Google for linking to a now non-existent page about how to
sabotage railroad signals, Google has delivered 13.6 metric
tons of computer printouts to DB's corporate headquarters.
The stack of dead trees includes the text of every single
website in Google's database that includes the word
"railroad" (and then some), any one of which could be the
grounds for yet another DB lawsuit.

"We're giving Deutsche Bahn the chance to peruse our links
database and mark off any website they find objectionable,"
Google's Vice President Of Covering Our Asses said. 
"Obviously, we don't have the time or manpower to go
through and remove any link that somebody, somehow,
somewhere might not like. So we're passing the buck to DB."

Google delivered the printouts by truck convoy from its
subsidiary German office earlier this morning.  It was
deemed wiser to make the shipment via Autobahn instead of
Deutsche Bahn, considering that any railroad system
operating under security-through-litigation is likely to be
highly sabotage-able.

"The lawyers at DB seem to think that we have the magical
ability to personally inspect and approve every single item
in our database," the Veep of C.O.A. explained.  "We're
turning the tables by showing them what's it like.  We
don't want to hear any excuses from DB about our special
delivery.  It's their problem now."

According to quick back-of-the-envelope wild-ass-guesses
calculated by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), it will
take Deutsche Bahn approximately 195 man-years to go
through the printouts and inspect every website to make
sure it doesn't violate German law or contain other grounds
for filing a lawsuit.  

Google has offered to deliver similar printouts to other
lawsuit-happy companies, for a small fee.  "If you think
our database contains a website with a link to another
website with a link to another website with a link to a
news article that paints your company in a less than
favorable light, too bad. But if you think our database
contains a website that violates the law, please let us
know and we'll dispatch our fleet of trucks to make the
delivery.  Please prepare at least 5,000 square feet of
empty space before we arrive."

Deutsche Bahn lawyers, which were frantically trying to
find a warehouse to temporarily store the deluge of
printouts before the next rainstorm hits, were obviously
unavailable for comment at press time, and will probably be
unavailable for quite some time.

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


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Insurance Company To Offer Microsoft Audit Protection Plans
April 22, 2002

LOUDON, TENNESSEE -- Companies, organizations, and
government agencies all across the world are facing a
disaster of epic proportions: the impending invasion of the
Microsoft Intellectual Property Police.  The counter this
menace, Loydds of Loudon, Tennessee, the prestigious
insurance firm, has started to offer "Audit Insurance" to
protect against unexpected "random" audits from everybody's
favorite software monopoly.

"We've received numerous inquiries about this type of
protection," company co-founder Bob Loydds said.  "Your
typical businessman is no longer worried about earthquakes,
fires, or other natural disasters. The big fear of the 21st
Century comes from Redmond in the form of man-made
disasters made by Bill Gates."

Starting next month, Loydds will launch several levels of
audit insurance. The Platinum level of service will insure
corporations for up to $500,000 against Microsoft
disasters.  Under the Silver service plan, Loydds agents
will maintain a database of your Microsoft licenses and
trained representatives and bouncers will be on hand during
any Microsoft "random" audits.   Finally, the Gold plan
offers emergency site-wide Linux deployment in the event of
"Defcon 95", a code-name Lloyds uses for those dire but
increasingly common situations in which an entire company
must ditch all copies of Windows within 30 days to avoid
multi-multi-million dollar audits and lawsuits.

"Loydds will assembly the best license managers and
bouncers the industry offers to protect your business
against Microsoft's lawyers and mobsters," Bob Loydd
boasted.  "If a Microserf starts snooping around your
premises for evidence of non-Microsoft software during a
'random' audit, our bouncers will take care of the
problem.  Our license managers know how to deal with
Microsoft auditors and won't let some hired goon from
Redmond intimidate you into spending millions of dollars
per year for software you don't need."

The insurance firm is currently in negotiations with Red
Hat and other Linux vendors to form the "Red Berets", an
elite squad of Linux geeks trained to rapidly install Linux
and hide all traces of Windows on every computer within an
organization.  During a Defcon 95 emergency, Loydds will
airlift the squadron -- along with several crates of Linux
CDs -- to any position in the country within hours.  The
Red Berets will wipe away all vestiges of Microsoft
software so that when the auditors show up they won't have
anything to audit. After the Microserfs depart, the Red
Beret commandos will return and quickly restore all
computers back to Windows. (The assumption, of course, is
that once companies get a taste of Linux, they won't want
to ever go back.)

Loydds has not yet decided on the premium rates it will
charge for its services.  Preliminary research indicates
that businesses and schools in those states that sued
Microsoft for anti-trust violations are 25% more likely to
be "randomly" audited at lawyerpoint. Likewise, those
states with attorney generals in the back pocket of
Microsoft are far less likely to be invaded by Microsoft's
black unmarked helicopters.  

"When we roll out these insurance plans we'll have a
monopoly on the anti-Microsoft protection market," Bob
Loydds said.  "But don't worry, we'll maintain fair rates
and won't abuse our position."  He added, "Considering all
of the man-centuries that have been wasted by companies
cataloging all of their Microsoft licenses and preparing
for audits, I can't believe nobody has offered this kind of
protection before... I'm gonna get rich from this..."

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/