From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Mar 1 05:51:05 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:32677 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 1 Mar 2002 05:50:43 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 01 Mar 2002 05:49:36 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.181]:43656 "EHLO epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 1 Mar 2002 05:49:19 +0100 Received: from mocape01-104.midwest.net ([209.248.17.114] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16geyj-0007YY-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Thu, 28 Feb 2002 20:49:10 -0800 Message-ID: <3C7F09AD.570FE526@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 28 Feb 2002 22:55:09 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Angry Stockholder Begins Proxy Fight Over Microsoft Acquisition Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Angry Stockholder Begins Proxy Fight Over Microsoft Acquisition February 28, 2002 by Robert G. Werner, Chief Sili-con Valley Correspondent ("Will Administer Linux Servers for Cash"). Next week, Microsoft, Inc. (Nasdaq: MSFT) is scheduled to officially take over Humorix World Domination, Inc. (formerly Nasdaq: FAUX). The acquisition must face one more challenge, however, during an upcoming meeting of what some pundits have called the "pre-assimilation" board. The remaining stockholders, primarily represented by one Melissa S. Baughn, are challenging the direction the Microsoft-dominated board will likely take the company. "Until the disastrous revelations of Humorix's financial troubles, World Domination by 2005 had been the company's driving goal," a representative for Ms. Baughn said. "Now with Microsoft calling the shots, it appears that goal has completely collapsed. How does this new Redmondian strategy best serve both remaining Humorix shareholders?" Baughn, though holding only 0.002% of outstanding Humorix stock, made plain in a letter to the other shareholder that she feels, "The Microsoft acquisition is in diametric opposition to the VISION THe founders of this company had. It is time for those of us with the most to lose to call on the Humorix board to live up to the tenants of the 'Humorix Way'." When asked to define the 'Humorix Way', Baughn had no comment. Melissa Baughn apparently received Humorix stock as a gift. It was unclear what relationship Ms. Baughn had to the company's founder, James Baughn. However, investigations of S.E.C. reports conducted by the vastspy.NET indicate that Ms. Baughn may have received the stock as a tip when she was working at a Stuckies. "At the time I was tempted to use it as fire starter, but it had this silly little penguin on it..." Ms. Baughn wrote in one Usenet post from 1999. The acquisition has left both former and current Humorix employees ambivalent. One former employee, Mr. G. E. Trich, has found his time at Humorix to have been very valuable. Of the layoff, Trich states, "It was just the motivation I needed to start my own business. I'm now talking with several clients who need just the services I can offer." Trich is now head of Tri-Valley Shredding and Waste Disposal Co. which has just inked a million-dollar contract with bankrupt companies Enron and Global Crossing. Others have not fared so well. Noah M. Morals, former Chief Counsel & Frivolous Lawsuit Filer for Humorix, Inc. has found his new position as Head Windows Systems Administrator (also called Head Server Rebooter & Bluescreen Babysitter) physically challenging. Morals suffered a massive heart attack as a result of his new duties. Unfortunately, under Microsoft, Humorix has adopted Microsoft's VisualDoctor.NET initiative for employee health care. Says Morals, "I nearly died when the damned labcoat-wearing Paperclip appeared on the server's screen and asked if I was pregnant. I tried to indicate that the pain was in my chest, but that just led 'Clippy' to start asking about lumps in my breasts." Morals survived but only by phoning M911 (Microsoft's emergency server support team) and insisting that there was a hamster trapped in the mail server's cooling fan that would be macerated if the Exchange server was ever brought up. The responding veterinarians were able to install an artificial bypass system and Mr. Morals seems to be responding well to the immunosupressants. Analysts are perplexed by the apparent proxy fight proposed by Melissa Baughn. "Even if the other shareholder agrees with Ms. Baughn, they can only muster 0.07% of the voting stock. I see no real possibility for successfully returning the pre-Microsoft board to power, unless there is some 'Act of God' or other bizarre plot twist," stated Ima Tool, pundit for the Ziff Davis Network of Propaganda Outlets. When asked for explanation, Ms. Tool suggested, "The death of the Microsoft-appointed board by smothering in elephant dung would be one possibility. Use your imagination." In spite of the speculation, it appears that Ms. Baughn's fight is doomed before it even starts. "How could a stockholder with so little influence change the direction of a giant like Microsoft?" asks Kover Al Bas'is, Technology reporter for the Cairo Light and Standard. "Resistance to such a corporate giant will almost certainly prove futile." However, in the Silicon Valley of California, many analysts are betting on Baughn. "She has an understating of the intentions of the founder that no one from Redmond has taken into account," replied one accountant friend of the Humorix firm. "MS is underestimating Melissa if they think she will just go away. I knew Melisa in junior high, and she is nothing if not persistent," replied another confidant of Ms. Baughn and one of Humorix's regular six readers. Perhaps the most telling comment came from a close friend of James Baughn, the founder of Humorix. "Though James had no influence on the decisions of the current Humorix board, he is greatly encouraged by the actions of Ms. Baughn and looks forward to the day when Humorix can be returned to the control of reasonable people". -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Mar 1 19:02:10 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:13237 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 1 Mar 2002 19:02:00 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 01 Mar 2002 19:01:41 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.181]:37088 "EHLO epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 1 Mar 2002 19:01:23 +0100 Received: from mocape01-107.midwest.net ([209.248.17.117] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16grLK-0007VN-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Fri, 01 Mar 2002 10:01:19 -0800 Message-ID: <3C7FB3BC.94319B39@ldd.net> Date: Fri, 01 Mar 2002 11:00:44 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] MS Advances "Doomsday Watch" To Seven Minutes Before Midnight Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Microsoft Advances "Doomsday Watch" To Seven Minutes Before Midnight by Rita Rong, HumoriXP's Official Microsoft Shill March 1, 2002 REDMOND, WA -- Earlier today, the Board of Directors at Microsoft Corporation moved the minute hand of the 'Doomsday Watch', the symbol of piracy danger, from nine to seven minutes to midnight. The change reflects growing concerns that the dreaded "Piracyclysm" is close at hand, a point in time when producing software and digital content is no longer profitable and a point when Bill Gates can no longer afford to live in anything larger than a double-wide trailer. "We should be afraid. Very afraid," said the Microsoft Vice President of Strategery & Long Term Planning For Protecting The Children. "If those hippie long-haired GPL-quoting freaks have their way, software engineers, movie directors, TV actors, fiction authors, and countless other content producers will no longer be able to feed their families. Won't somebody _please_ think of the CHILDREN?" The Doomsday Watch is a small clock powered by Windows CE that sits on the wall across from Bill Gates' office. Surprisingly, the device has never once crashed and the folks at Guiness Book of World Records are expected to list the Doomsday Watch in the next edition of their book as the World's Most Stable Windows Computer with an uptime approaching an incredible five months. Greg Bundy, a member of the Microsoft Board of Directors, explained their rationale for advancing the watch two closer minutes to the Piracyclysm. "There's troubling signs everywhere. For instance, if this country cared about protecting intellectual property rights, the SSSCA bill would've become law years ago. Instead, a bunch of weak-kneed tech companies and self-proclaimed 'consumer advocates' are opposing this extremely moderate and radically reasonable bill. What next? Abolishing copyrights?" Mr. Bundy also pointed to the growing popularity of Linux and Open Source software as a serious danger sign. "What those Communists propose is nothing short of eliminating software and putting us back in the pre-computer age of typewriters and slide rules. They talk about freedom but then advocate the elimination of the fundamental human rights of developers to commercialize their software. What's the end result? Less research, less projects developed, less economic growth, and less taxes paid, which will cause governments to have less money to spend on the CHILDREN. We will only succeed in preventing the Piracyclysm if we enact the SSSCA and ban all software distributed under a Communistic license such as the GPL." Another Microsoft executive painted an even darker picture. "Millions of teenagers are running around and infringing copyrights," explained the Microsoft Vice President of Media Relations & Preaching To The Choir. First it starts with making an illegal copy of Microsoft Golf Cart Simulator. Then they start installing multiple copies of Windows from one CD. Next they develop Communist Open Source software. Before long they fall into a life of crime and go on a rampage of drug abuse, rape, and murder. We must stop this cycle of crime. We must fight piracy -- the number one gateway to violent crime -- to help protect the CHILDREN." "You can help us in this fight against the Piracyclysm. We cannot let society devolve into a free-for-all of stealing and copying. If you suspect your child or neighbor's child is engaging in piracy, please call 1-800-U-SNITCH or visit http://www.waronpiracy.com/snitch.asp right now to help break the cycle before they become VIOLENT THIEVES and MURDERERS." Eric "Stealing" Raymond and Richard "Marxist" Stallman were both unavailable for comment at press time. Well, actually, we didn't try to contact them -- why would we here at HumoriXP want to infect this fine publication with their vile anti-Capitalism, pro-crime rhetoric? -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sat Mar 2 21:38:39 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:51903 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 2 Mar 2002 21:38:34 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sat, 02 Mar 2002 21:37:59 +0100 (CET) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.179]:58046 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 2 Mar 2002 21:37:52 +0100 Received: from mocape01-190.midwest.net ([209.248.17.200] helo=ldd.net) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16hGGC-0000u5-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sat, 02 Mar 2002 12:37:41 -0800 Message-ID: <3C81375F.87D067BB@ldd.net> Date: Sat, 02 Mar 2002 14:34:39 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: HumoriXP -- Brought to you by Microsoft Visual Workshop.Con X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.7 [en] (Win98; I) X-Accept-Language: en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Free Software Foundation Forks Linux Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Free Software Foundation Forks Linux March 2, 2002 Fred U. Daylor, Director of Fake News (FUD@humorixp.microsoft.com) The vastspy.NET reports that the Free Software Foundation has decided to fork Linux. [Editor's Note: What kind of wierd name is Free Software Foundation? I guess they're calling themselves Free just because nobody has managed to lock them up for their crimes against the SSSCA and other important laws so far! We can't wait to call them the Imprisoned Software Foundation.] "I'm seriously fed up with people calling the GNU/Linux operating system Linux," stated Richard "Marxist" Stallman. "It's time to put an end to it." Shortly after, the Free Software Foundation presented the initial version of their new GIL (GIL Is Linux) kernel, dubbed GIL 2.4.18. "Plans for GIL are straightforward: keep track of Linux releases and re-release them the same day. We don't plan to make any GIL specific changes except to include a rant advocating free software at the top of each header source file." Marc Ono and Paul Oly from Microsoft's Linux watch department confirmed the news. "We always knew it would happen. Because of its weird licensing, Linux will always be forked, causing a lot of duplicated work, and therefore it will never be stable. A lot of people will be fired for choosing Linux." ReviewXP (an independant software review company, 100% owned by Microsoft) issued an advisory recommending users not to upgrade to GIL. "While we appreciate and support the notion of moving away from Linux, moving from Linux to GIL is not recommendable. Users trying to upgrade their Linux systems should look at Windows XP." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Mon Mar 4 06:16:55 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:55785 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 4 Mar 2002 06:16:39 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Mon, 04 Mar 2002 06:15:52 +0100 (CET) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.179]:39565 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 4 Mar 2002 06:15:49 +0100 Received: from mocape01-17.midwest.net ([209.248.17.27] helo=ldd.net) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16hkou-0006JA-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 03 Mar 2002 21:15:32 -0800 Message-ID: <3C830241.8A2DDF35@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 03 Mar 2002 23:12:33 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: HumoriXP -- Brought to you by Microsoft Visual Workshop.Con X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.7 [en] (Win98; I) X-Accept-Language: en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Librarians Change Stance, Support SSSCA Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Librarians Change Stance, Support SSSCA Fred U. Daylor, Director of Fake News March 3, 2002 A new study conducted by Buy-a-Study Labs, Inc. reveals that a startling 72% of librarians support more restrictive copyright laws. Dr. Thuhdata, the author of the study, remarked, "This clearly shows an upswell of public support for such laws as the SSSCA. The fact that Congress has dragged its feet in enacting this extremely reasonable bill is proof that many Congresscritters have been bought by special interest groups such as the GNU Project, Napster, Red Hat, and TiVo." Many of the librarians polled commented that the need to archive content, one of the key arguments against the SSSCA, is no longer a pressing issue. "So what if we lose the ability to archive every copyrighted work published since 1978?" explained one librarian that lives in Sen. Fritz Hollings' home district. "Most of it is crap anyway. What will future generations think of their ancestors if they have access to all of the bilge spewing out of Hollywood right now? There's absolutely no reason to archive this stuff. Therefore, libraries will soon become obsolete." Another survey participant said, "One of prime motivations for libraries over the last century is to increase literacy and foster a love of reading and learning. But in the 21st Century, who cares? What good is increasing literacy if the only things people are going to read are '...For Dummies' books, 'Harlequin Romance' novels, and 'You might already be a winner!' junk mail advertisements." One anti-SSSCA librarian did point out that all of the wonderful books from before 1923 now in the public domain wouldn't be available if strict copyright laws had been enacted back then. "We wouldn't have 'The Scarlet Letter' and 'For Whom The Bell Tolls' and 'The Red Pony'. School children would go through English class without being required to read and memorize and analyze and discuss such masterpieces. What a loss that would be!" Actually, in this unbiased reporter's opinion, losing all of those 'classics' from the public domain would represent a huge bonus. Why waste time studying the symbolism of The Scarlet Letter and its relation to Greek mythological archetypes when students can instead learn more practical lessons, such as why illegal copying of digital music hurts the CHILDREN of everybody in the recording industry. In the conclusion of the study, Dr. Thuhdata writes, "It's obvious that librarians are now facing up to reality: for years they've been engaged in the outright theft of countless books and other copyrighted works. They can't ignore this moral problem for much longer." US Sen. Fritz Hollings (D-Mickey Mouse) has proposed an amendment to the SSSCA which would provide $250 million in Federal grants to help retrain former librarians for other careers that benefit instead of hurt society, such as participating in the government's new "War On Piracy" campaign. "Too many of my fellow Congressmen are currently residing in the back pockets of special interests that support terrorism against copyrights," Hollings said to this reporter while on his way to a fundraiser event sponsored by Disney and AOL/Time Warner. "My only hope is that my colleagues will eventually come around and see the light. This completely unbiased and impartial study by Dr. Thuhdata should give me the ammunition I need in this fight." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Mar 19 21:04:54 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:42192 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Tue, 19 Mar 2002 21:04:43 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 19 Mar 2002 21:03:55 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.181]:37275 "EHLO epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Tue, 19 Mar 2002 21:03:48 +0100 Received: from mocape01-66.midwest.net ([209.248.17.76] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16nPpZ-0000tk-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Tue, 19 Mar 2002 12:03:37 -0800 Message-ID: <3C9798EE.6036C7C5@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 19 Mar 2002 14:00:46 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: HumoriXP -- Brought to you by Microsoft Visual Workshop.Con X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.7 [en] (Win98; I) X-Accept-Language: en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] The SSSCA Doesn't Go Far Enough [long] Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org The SSSCA Doesn't Go Far Enough March 19, 2002 Rita Rong, Official Microsoft Shill [Editor's Note: The following is a letter that HumoriXP sent to the Senate Judiciary Committee[1] in response to the proposed SSSCA.] Dear Committee Members: We here at HumoriXP, a wholly owned independent subsidiary of Microsoft, would like to express our severe disapproval for the pending SSSCA. As written, this bill is extremely weak, wishy-washy, and lax when it comes to protecing America's property rights. We would like to take this opportunity to present our own revised version of this bill, which we've dubbed the SSSCA 2002. As you will see, this bill is a much better vehicle for protecting the children of starving artists, musicians, and programmers and making the world a better place. ---- SECURE SOFTWARE SYSTEMS FOR THE CHILDREN ACT OF 2002 (Sponsored in part by Microsoft Corp.) 1. WHEREAS Congress finds that the vast majority of Internet users and entertainment consumers are thieves, pirates, miscreants, Communists, hackers, and anarchists, and that musicians, artists, writers, authors, directors, actors, programmers and executives are suffering undue harm as a result, we hereby enact the Secure Software Systems for the Children Act of 2002 to declare war against copyright, trademark, patent, and trade secret violations throughout the world. 2. WHEREAS Congress finds that libraries, public and private, represent a serious loophole by which consumers can access copyrighted works at no charge, we hereby prohibit all libraries from receiving any Federal money or assistance whatsoever. Moreover, all foreign aid shall be indefinitely withheld from those nations harboring copyright terrorists in the form of taxpayer-supported librarians. 3. WHEREAS Congress finds that bookstores represent another venue for reading copyrighted works for free, we hereby prohibit any bookstore from containing chairs, benches, tables, or other devices designed for reading books, and all bookstores must forcibly remove all customers who linger for more than 30 minutes without purchasing anything. 4. WHEREAS Congress finds that both the demand and the supply of infringing material is high, we hereby establish the Copyright Enforcement Agency (CEA) to be placed under the control of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Privacy Violations. The director of the Copyright Enforcement Agency shall be appointed for a four year term by the President with the advice and consent of the Chairperson of the Motion Picture Association of America. 4(b). The aforementioned agency shall have the power to investigate and prosecute all suspected copyright, trademark, or patent infringers anywhere within the Universe, who shall be tried by a secret copyright tribunal of three judges appointed by the Chairperson of the Recording Industry Association of America. 4(c). Said agency shall also have the power to build, maintain, and deploy weapons of mass electronic destruction for the purposes of destroying computer systems in foreign countries suspected of being used for intellectual property violations. 5. WHEREAS Congress finds that the term for copyrights, trademarks, and patents is too short for authors to effectively squeeze every last ounce of money out of them, we hereby extend the term of all copyrights, trademarks, and patents to last until the year 500000 A.D. Moreover, the law that prohibits Federal agencies from copyrighting their products is hereby repealed. 5(b). Any author who wishes to place his copyrighted material in the public domain or under a so-called "open source" or "free software" license must first undergo a complete psychiatric evalution and must also successfully complete a course entitled "Why Free Software Is For Communists" to be designed and implemented by the Minister Of Truth within the Copyright Enforcement Agency. 6. WHEREAS Congress finds that most vendors actively encourage intellectual property theft by producing products without appropriate safeguards, we hereby require that, after January 1, 2003, all manufactuers of electronic equipment (including but not limited to computers, computer peripherals, telephones, video cassette recorders, personal video recorders, televisions, calculators, microwaves, can openers, personal digital assistants, toasters, game consoles, radios, music players, stereo systems, amplifiers, automobiles, lawn mowers, musical instruments, and medical devices) must include a so-called "X-Chip" that enforces intellectual property rights and shuts down the device when the user attempts to use it in an unlawful manner. Said X-Chip must include safeguards against tampering and hacking and must, where practical, include Internet access so that its firmware can be automatically upgraded to reflect future changes in the law. 6(b). Violators of the previous clause shall be fined not less than $2,300,000 nor more than $1,000,000,000,000,000. 7. WHEREAS Congress finds that the Internet is an anarchistic environment screaming for appropriate regulation, we hereby require that, after January 1, 2004, all users must obtain a license issued by the Copyright Enforcement Agency before they can legally access the Internet. The CEA shall only issue licenses to those users who sign affidavits stating that all electronic equipment under their ownership meets or exceeds the requirements stated in Article 6. 7(b). Agents for the CEA shall have the power to, without warning, inspect the premises of any user with an Internet license and take appropriate action if non-compliant hardware is discovered or if other copyright violations are observed. 7(c). Internet Service Providers must deploy sufficient technological safeguard to prevent users without a valid license from accessing the Internet. CEA agents shall have the power to conduct surprise inspections against all ISPs to enforce this clause. 7(d). The CEA shall not conduct any of the aforementioned surprise inspections at the same location more than once per week without written authorization from the Chairperson of the Business Software Alliance. 8. WHEREAS Congress finds that a highly educated citizenry is less likely to enjoy the low-quality material currently produced by the content industry, thus reducing the profit and tax revenue generated by Hollywood, we hereby prohibit any public or private school from holding back underperforming students, and require that said students be pushed through the system regardless of their reading or cognitive ability or lack thereof. Henceforth, no pro-reading or literacy program shall receive Federal funding in any form whatsoever. 9. WHEREAS Congress finds that the so-called "Fair Use Doctrine" represents a gaping loophole by which infringers can get away with their crimes, we hereby abolish any law, court precedent, or other regulation that contains a Fair Use exception. This clause shall apply retroactively back to 1923. 10. WHEREAS Congress finds that domain name squatting continues to be a widespread problem, we hereby require that, in any court or arbitration case involving a domain name dispute, the party with the largest bank account shall automatically win without exception. 11. WHEREAS Congress finds that the Internet encourages the spread of misinformation and mistruths, we hereby prohibit any Internet user from posting a comment, composing an e-mail, or producing a website that contains content that criticizes, disparages, or attacks any or all of this Act, or any other Federal act or regulation relating to copyright enforcement, without exception. 12. WHEREAS Congress finds that the content industry requires special First Amendment protections, we hereby exempt any content industry trade association and their member corporations from any and all Campaign Finance Reform laws or regulations that have been or will be enacted by Congress. 13. WHEREAS Congress finds that previous copyright laws are too lenient toward violators, we hereby decree that any person who is found guilty of violating any clause within this Act shall be required to register with their local government as a "copyright offender" and erect a permanent sign in their front yard that says "A Communist lives here", "I'm a no-good copyright violator", or other appropriate message dictated by the court. 13(b). A database of the aforementioned registered copyright offenders shall be maintained by the Copyright Enforcement Agency and this list (which itself shall be copyrighted by the CEA) shall be available to the public for a small fee not to exceed $10,000. 14. WHEREAS Congress finds that the public will wholeheartedly support any legislation that claims to be "for the children", we hereby decree that a court, at its discretion, may require copyright violators to pay a fine that will go into a trust fund to be used to help support the starving children of low-income artists and musicians harmed by intellectual property theft. ---- We at Microsoft and HumoriXP hope you will give the above bill the consideration it deserves and will agree that is the best legislation possible for fighting the War On Piracy. Oh, and if you're reading this Fritz, your check is -- wink, wink -- in the mail. Sincerely, Rita Rong, Official Microsoft Shill Fred U. Daylor, Director Of Fake News [1] http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=02/03/15/024217 -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Fri Mar 29 05:10:02 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:23786 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 29 Mar 2002 05:09:51 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Fri, 29 Mar 2002 05:09:19 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.182]:29369 "EHLO sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 29 Mar 2002 05:09:07 +0100 Received: from mocape01-126.midwest.net ([209.248.17.136] helo=ldd.net) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16qnhC-0004rO-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Thu, 28 Mar 2002 20:08:59 -0800 Message-ID: <3CA3D7FA.7C9F21E8@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 20:56:58 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Runs Out Of Ideas Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Microsoft Runs Out Of Ideas Allen S. Thorpe, thorpe@co.emery.ut.us March 28, 2002 REDMOND, WA -- In what analysts call an inevitable crisis, Microsoft has postponed release of Windows PU, the next version of its flagship operating system. Insiders say that the problem is due to the fact that no one in Redmond has any ideas for improvements. Some have suggested reliability improvements, but these were discarded as being "contrary to the Microsoft culture." The problem, it appears, is due to the fact that Microsoft's aggressive marketing and penchant for adding features to Windows which were once separate software sold by other companies. The latest such move was when the Redmond, Washington firm incorporated its Office Suite into its operating system. A Silicon Valley venture capitalist who requested anonymity told Humorix that there is no longer any competition for Microsoft due to the reluctance of developers to expose their innovative ideas to a market which is "patrolled by Jaws." "There was a time," he says, "when people would start a company and then wait to be bought out by MS, but the profit in this approach has disappeared since Microsoft's acquisition of Apple Computer and Intel." Microsoft no longer is willing to pay a fair market price for new products simply, "because it has eliminated the concept of a free market." According to a stock analyst for a large New York brokerage, who also refuses to allow its name to be printed, tells us that Microsoft's rise was made possible by its ability to watch the software market, copy the best new products and then drive the creators out of business. "Now," he says, "There are no more innovators to feed Microsoft with new ideas. It's sad. An end to an era." Others say that Microsoft's growth had been fueled by the Moore's law cycle: Each new processor or other improvement in hardware would be followed by a new version of Windows which would have the effect of slowing it down to the speed of the old systems. But now, people have recognized what was happening and are only buying new computers when the old ones cease to function. There is a grass roots market of techs who will keep old boxes running now that new systems are more expensive than the previous generations, another effect of Microsoft's ownership of all the hardware manufacturers. Reached for Comment, William Gates, III would only deny the reports and attributed the delays to "efforts to improve security of our product before we release it to the market." But others point out that the last four releases have been increasingly short on new features and rich in new animated "tools" and new graphics. Former competitors of Microsoft were contacted for comment, but refused due to threats of being sued. "Who needs the grief?" said one, "I've got mine. I'm Old Money now. Why beat my head against a black monolith?" -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sat Mar 30 05:02:22 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:2185 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 30 Mar 2002 05:02:09 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sat, 30 Mar 2002 05:01:35 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.181]:8429 "EHLO epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 30 Mar 2002 05:01:19 +0100 Received: from mocape01-18.midwest.net ([209.248.17.28] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16rA32-0000Gs-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Fri, 29 Mar 2002 20:01:01 -0800 Message-ID: <3CA53993.103ED666@ldd.net> Date: Fri, 29 Mar 2002 22:05:39 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Plan To Kill Off Linux Fails Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Microsoft Plan To Kill Off Linux Fails March 29, 2002 Bernhard Rosenkraenzer, bero@redhat.de Through a Microsoft employee who thought he was still reporting to vastspy.NET, the real Vast Spy Network(tm) learned about a new ploy to kill off Linux: Microsoft will port of all its applications, most notably Office, to Linux, and make Word install symlinks that invoke it whenever someone wants to run vi, emacs, kword, kate, kwrite, gedit, nedit, lyx, abiword, or thousands of other half-finished open source text and document editors. The goal of this, of course, will be to "make Linux easier to use". "It is the best way to kill Linux for good", states an internal Microsoft memo. "By making them use Word, we can expect the productivity of all Linux developers to go down by at least 94%. That's even better than the productivity loss we'd achieve by the other investigated method, hiring George Dubya to throw nukes at all Linux companies for providing terrorists with an operating system for free." The memo adds, "We will also allow Linux users who left a credit card number in their Passport account to connect to windowsupdate.microsoft.com, and offer a 'security update' to the kernel which actually installs Windows XP without a description. That should wipe out any remaining productivity." Since nobody in his right mind would install any Microsoft software (and Linux users are typically in their right mind), Microsoft had to be creative in getting users to install Microsoft Office for Linux. Microsoft developed a VBScript virus that automatically downloads Office from a warez server, installs it, and distributes the VBScript virus to everyone else through an internal spambot. Initial testing was negative, though. "We received only 12 replies from sending the virus to the Redmond Linux User Group", the memo goes on to explain, "11 of which complained about our use of a bad format (whatever that may mean), and another one threatened to sue us for spamming unless we pay $2000 for his network traffic. I have ordered the Outlook development team to remove the 'disable VBScript in emails' button, but unfortunately this means we won't have much success with this until Outlook RC is released." This memo was written by Claus U. Less, Senior Executive Manager of the Department of Monopolization and Establishing Despotism. Fortunately, through the recent merger of the Anti-Linux, Anti-Freedom and Monopoly Departments at Microsoft, the originator failed to notice that many other email clients besides Outlook exist. Unfortunately, the original memo can't be presented to the judge presiding over the antitrust case because the document was lost forever when Mr. Less opened a spammer's attachment only minutes later. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/