From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Feb 3 03:43:28 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:41927 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 3 Feb 2002 03:43:13 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sun, 03 Feb 2002 03:42:28 +0100 (CET) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.179]:64952 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 3 Feb 2002 03:42:10 +0100 Received: from mocape01-70.midwest.net ([209.248.17.80] helo=ldd.net) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16XCbP-00019w-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Sat, 02 Feb 2002 18:42:01 -0800 Message-ID: <3C5CA49C.B5CB0080@ldd.net> Date: Sat, 02 Feb 2002 20:46:52 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Employees Go On Strike, Demand Reduced Salaries Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Microsoft Employees Go On Strike, Demand Reduced Salaries February 2, 2002 REDMOND, WA -- Several hundred programmers walked off their jobs at Microsoft Headquarters on Friday to protest their shoddy public image. "My friends all think I'm a servant of Satan because I get my paycheck from Microsoft," explained Microserf Eric Eshleman. "If I didn't make so much money, I'd have more of a backbone to shout 'No!' when my supervisor demands that I include some new virus-delivery feature in Outlook." The striking programmers demand salary cuts, less benefits, and zero stock options[1] in addition to their own multi-billion dollar public relations campaign. Their labor union, the Brotherhood Of Programmers Sick Of Being Called Evil, hopes to get some face time with Microsoft executives and touch base on reaching a proactive agreement leveraging the latest innovatives in PR to produce a synergistic worldwide buzzword-enhanced advertising campaign that showcases Microsoft associates as enlightened engineers instead of morally bankrupt bastards bent on world domination[2]. "Back in the day, the Microsoft Marketing Department was able to hoodwink millions of people into upgrading to DOS 7... er, Windows 95. Why can't they do the same for us?" asked Diego Rupiper, Solitaire and Freecell Project Manager. "I want to be able to attend a party and proudly say 'I work for Microsoft' without worrying about being ambushed by a posse of Linux or Mac zealots. I want to be able to attend a family reunion and boast about my Microsoft employment without everybody asking for my help troubleshooting all these weird Windows problems they keep having... But right now I have to lie about my job. I can't keep living this deception forever!" Earlier today, about 150 strikers formed a picket line near the front entrance to Bill Gates' mansion. They carried signs saying "Hell no we're not going to Hell", "I want to be able to sleep at night", "Why does the public hate us so much?" and "I'm sick of ethical dilemmas". Programmers weren't the only picketers in attendance. One anonymous accountant told us off the record, "I have nightmares every night that Microsoft will become the next Enron. I've seen the numbers. I keep telling myself everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay... Maybe if I repeat that long enough I'll forget about all those accounting irregularities I've encountered.[3]" A Microsoft lawyer also showed up at the protest. "Everybody hates me," he said. "Even my old law school friend who was killed in a car wreck while chasing an ambulance gets more respect than I do. Most people rank 'Microsoft lawyer' right up there with Hitler and Osama on the Evilness Scale. I can't take it any more. Either Microsoft is going to clean up its act or I'm becoming a used car salesman. At least then I would have some respect from my friends and I wouldn't have to work for a company convicted of felonious anti-trust charges." It's not clear how the company will respond to the strike. Explained one industry observer who happened to be on the scene for an interview, "If Microsoft starts paying their employees less, then they'll have more freedom to criticize management decisions knowing they can leave and get paid even more at another company. Moreover, if you strip away the unethical, anti-competitive part of the company, what's left? Microsoft can't live on its software 'quality' alone. Finally, the Microsoft Marketing Department can work miracles, but casting Microsoft programmers in a positive light will be nearly impossible. A recent poll shows that 85% of Americans admire Microsoft for its success and huge profits, but 82% also despise Microsoft for its crappy products. That's a huge barrier to overcome." Microsoft stock traded slightly lower during after-hours trading. Enron stock held steady at 1e-15 cents per share, only 1% lower than Humorix (Nasdaq: FAUX) stock. [1] http://www.fool.com/portfolios/rulemaker/2000/rulemaker000217.htm [2] http://www.cinepad.com/borg.htm [3] http://www.billparish.com/msftfraudfacts.html -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Feb 5 03:09:48 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:58346 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Tue, 5 Feb 2002 03:09:37 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 05 Feb 2002 03:08:48 +0100 (CET) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.179]:39886 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Tue, 5 Feb 2002 03:08:40 +0100 Received: from mocape01-282.midwest.net ([209.248.22.42] helo=ldd.net) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16Xv26-0003XF-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Mon, 04 Feb 2002 18:08:31 -0800 Message-ID: <3C5F3FC7.9205D673@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 04 Feb 2002 20:13:27 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Book Publishers Unveil Anti-Copying Devices Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Book Publishers Unveil Anti-Copying Devices NEW YORK -- Publishers from all across the country met this week at the first annual Book Publishers Assocation of America (BPAA) meeting. Many of the booths on the showroom floor were devoted to the single most important issue facing the publishing industry: fighting copyright violations. From "End Reader License Agreements" to age-decaying ink, the anti-copying market has exploded into a multi-million dollar enterprise. "How can authors and publishers hope to make ends meet when the country is rapidly filling with evil libraries that distribute our products for free to the general public?" asked the chairman of the BPAA during his keynote address. "That blasted Andrew Carnegie is spending all kinds of his own ill-gotten money to open libraries in cities nationwide. He calls it charity. I call it anti-competitive business practices hoping to bankrupt the entire publishing industry. We must fight these anti-profit, pro-copying librarians and put an end to this scourge!" Everybody in attendance had their own plans for eliminating unauthorized copying. One publisher has already started to print "End Reader License Agreements" on the cover of all his books. "By opening this book you agree to the following terms..." the license starts. It continues, "You may not share, sell, rent, or loan this book to any other person. You may not read this book aloud, quote passages, or make copies of any length without the express written permission of the publisher. You may not write or distribute negative reviews of this book under any circumstances..." Not everybody agreed with this legalistic method. "Laws were meant to be broken. But anti-copying devices are much more difficult to circumvent. Take my patented MacroInk technology, for instance. My books are printed with a special ink that completely fades when exposed to light for more than 30 minutes. This gives a single reader plenty of time to read each page, but when the second freeloading reader comes along, all the pages are blank and unreadable. With this invention, I'm going to cut off the air supply of every stealing... er, I mean 'lending' library in the world." Another publisher unveiled his "CactusWordShield(R)" device, a combination lock that prevents the book from being opened without registration. "It's quite simply, really," the inventor explained. "When a user purchases a CactusWordShield book, they can open it freely exactly five times. Beyond that, the lock will engage and the user must obtain the combination by registering their book through the mail. Then they can open the book 50 times before the combination changes and the book must be re-registered. This mechanism allows us to track usage of the book and dispatch our team of lawyers if we suspect that more than one person is illegally reading it." At one Birds-of-a-Feather meeting, a group of publishers discussed the possibility of "greasing the wheels of government" to get Congress to enact stricter copyright laws. "We need a bill that requires all newly published books to include some form of anti-copying technology," said one executive. Another commented, "First and foremost we need to eliminate the Library of Congress. Why should Congressmen have free access to our work? We need to make them pay like everybody else!" In his closing speech, the BPAA's chairman seemed to sum up the feelings of most of the publishers in attendance. "Won't somebody please think of the children of authors?" he bellowed before a crowd of nearly 10,000. "If everybody and their brother can obtain quality books for free from libraries, then authors and their families will starve. If everybody and their brother can loan their books to friends without purchasing additional reading licenses, then publishers will no longer be able to buy gold-plated toilets. We can't let that kind of dystopic future materialize. We must smite our enemies now while we still can!" [Editor's Note: The preceding article may or may not have appeared in the February 4, 1895 issue of the New York Democrat-Republican newspaper.] -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Wed Feb 13 03:13:10 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:34200 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 13 Feb 2002 03:12:59 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Wed, 13 Feb 2002 03:11:48 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.182]:53240 "EHLO sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 13 Feb 2002 03:11:37 +0100 Received: from mocape01-261.midwest.net ([209.248.22.21] helo=ldd.net) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16aotM-0006B4-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Tue, 12 Feb 2002 18:11:29 -0800 Message-ID: <3C69CC9B.20FBC9F8@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2002 20:16:59 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Humorix Declares Bankruptcy; Congress Does Not Launch Inquiry Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Humorix Declares Bankruptcy; Congress Does Not Launch Inquiry February 12, 2002 HUMORIX WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- As the result of shady accounting practices and irrational exuberance, Humorix World Domination, Inc. (formerly Nasdaq: FAUX) has filed for Chapter 10 bankruptcy protection. The US Congress, currently conducting 23 investigations into the failure of Enron Corp., has declined to launch any investigations into the collapse of Humorix, much to the disappointment of Humorix's staff. "Dammit, one of my life's goals has been to appear before the House Judiciary Committee and plead the Fifth," exclaimed Humorix's lawyer Mr. Noah Morals. "Sheesh, what does it take to get a subpoena these days?" The Humorix fiduciary crisis came exactly two years after the hiring of Chief Accountant and Executive Book Cooker Mr. G. E. Trich. He explained, while frantically running cooked books through an industrial-strength paper shredder, "OK, so I lied on my employment application. I only obtained a bachelor's degree in Shady Accounting, not a Ph.D. I'm not the expert everyone thought I was. So sue me. Please! I want to have my day in court so that I can appear on CourtTV in front of millions of people and earn my 15 minutes of fame!" During the past two years, Humorix burned money left and right without showing any kind of profit. The company raised just enough money during its Initial Public Offering to keep it afloat, but only Mr. G. E. Trich was aware of the company's borderline finances. Company founder James Baughn, who rarely attended meetings or, for that matter, hardly ever left the glowing warmth of his CRT, was blissfully unaware of these accounting irregularities. Or at least that's his story. He has been away on an "extended lunch break" for the past month and was therefore unavailable for comment at press time. Last week the company was unable to pay its bills, including a $18.95 water bill and the $5 monthly membership fee for the Linux Distro Of The Month Club(tm). According to the latest accounting figures (which may or may not have been cooked), Humorix is in the red by $121.73. In a press release issued by the company yesterday, Mr. G. E. Trich says that the Chapter 10 reorganization should allow the company to continue operations for 10, maybe 20 days at its current burn rate. "We will recover," the sugar-coated release states. "We've outlasted almost every dotcom and we're not about to go under now... at least not until we achieve World Domination." Humorix stock was delisted from Nasdaq yesterday when it hit $1e-37 per share, setting a new world record for lowest stock price in the history of Capitalism. The Nasdaq computer systems, running on Intel processors, rounded the stock price to zero, setting off a series of Divide By Zero errors. As a result, Nasdaq officials wasted no time eliminating the stock from its trading systems. For those people who need a quick tax write-off, Humorix stock is now listed at Bob's Over-The-Counter Stocks & Illegal Gambling Center located in the basement of a run-down apartment on Third Street in East St. Louis. Incidentally, several investment firms downgraded the stock from "Sell Immediately You Idiot" to "Counterfeit Money Is More Legitimate Than This Stock", which is still one grade higher than Enron stock. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Feb 17 18:02:02 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:13230 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 17 Feb 2002 18:01:50 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sun, 17 Feb 2002 18:01:01 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.181]:1254 "EHLO epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 17 Feb 2002 18:00:55 +0100 Received: from mocape01-162.midwest.net ([209.248.17.172] helo=ldd.net) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16cUgB-0002Sn-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 17 Feb 2002 09:00:48 -0800 Message-ID: <3C6FE106.97A9B6DE@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 17 Feb 2002 10:57:42 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: HumoriXP -- Brought to you by Microsoft Visual Workshop.Con X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.7 [en] (Win98; I) X-Accept-Language: en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Acquires Humorix Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Microsoft Acquires Humorix Bernhard Rosenkraenzer, bero@redhat.de February 16, 2002 Immediately following our bankruptcy, Humorix received a note from Nasdaq stating that Microsoft acquired all available Humorix shares the moment the stock price reached $0.00. Since since our staff sold their employee stock during the .com boom (I bought myself a nice CD-R medium for my 10,000,000 shares!), Microsoft now owns 99.93% of Humorix. The site will continue under the name of humoriXP. The Vast Spy Network(tm) will be referred to as vastspy.NET in the future. But the news isn't all bad: Our hardware has seen massive upgrades after the acquisition. Our web server -- formerly a 386SX using a 14.4 kBit/s dialup connection -- is now a cluster of 10,000 8-way Pentium IVs with 2 Terabytes of RAM each, and all on a 1 GBit/s net connection. The cluster is running Windows XP though, which is why you probably haven't noticed any speed improvements. Also, all employees have been kept, though some were moved to different positions. Noah Morals, obsoleted by Microsoft's Vast Lawyer Network, is now our system administrator (none of our techies wanted the job of running around between the 10,000 servers and pressing the Reset button on every bluescreen). Unconfirmed reports from vastspy.NET claim Noah lost 4 pounds on the first day in his new job. We hope to continue bringing you only the most sincere and serious fake news. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Mon Feb 18 03:07:48 2002 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:63106 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 18 Feb 2002 03:07:41 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Mon, 18 Feb 2002 03:07:17 +0100 (CET) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.179]:10740 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 18 Feb 2002 03:07:11 +0100 Received: from mocape01-128.midwest.net ([209.248.17.138] helo=ldd.net) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16cdCf-0000Qg-00 for humorix@mail.nl.linux.org; Sun, 17 Feb 2002 18:06:54 -0800 Message-ID: <3C706104.1ABA6D45@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 17 Feb 2002 20:03:48 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: HumoriXP -- Brought to you by Microsoft Visual Workshop.Con X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.7 [en] (Win98; I) X-Accept-Language: en MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] All Hail .Con! Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org All Hail .Con! February 17, 2002 by Rita Rong, HumoriXP's Official Software Reviewer & Microsoft Shill William Henry Gates arrived on this planet in 1955. Whether you love him or merely just like him, there is no denying the contribution Bill has made to this entire Universe. Without Microsoft, we wouldn't have personal computers. We would still be using slide rules and typewriters. And without Microsoft, ".Con" would be just another meaningless acronym. Bill Gates has already changed the face of the world as we know it, but his magnum opus has yet to be fully appreciated. On Wednesday, three years behind schedule, Microsoft unveiled Bill's greater masterpiece -- in the guise of the Visual Workshop.Con development tools suite. Visual Workshop.Con is going to change the world -- no doubt about it -- so it's time to suck it up and jump on the bandwagon. Recent press releases by Microsoft say so. And if you can't believe a press release from the world's most successful business, what can you believe? Most of all, .Con is a vision, a vision of a brand new innovative programming paradigm with the elegant name of "LOOP". That's Lawyer-Oriented Object Programming. Let's face it: today's software sucks. Developers don't invest as much as they could because they know some pimply-faced 14 year old is going to pirate their creation and sell it on eBay for two bucks. Meanwhile, users have free reign to tinker, mangle, abuse, and totally screw up their software, providing an unlimited stream of headaches for developers and tech support workers. Microsoft wants this insanity to end. Software, in Bill's grand vision, will no longer suck. It won't be possible to copy it illegally, thus giving the incentive to developers to produce a program that doesn't crash every ten minutes. And users will have only limited control over their software, preventing them from doing stupid things and therefore enabling developers to develop their software instead of wasting their time providing tech support to clueless idiots. The .Con paradigm is extremely simple: every class, every module, every line of code will have a "Microsoft Online Object License Agreement" (MOOLA) attached. This is a legal contract between the object and the outside world. It specifies the precise conditions under which the object can be used. Here's an example class created in Microsoft's new C-- language: class HelloWorld { license_agreement: copyright = "Copyright 2002 Microsoft Corporation"; open_source = of_course_not; license_fee = "US$0.001 per billion CPU cycles"; all_rights_reserved = true; disclaim_all_liability = true; reserve_right_to_change_terms_at_will = of_course; patent_pending = true; system_requirements = "Windows XP or better"; self_destruct_when = { "license breached, "user attempts to access private data elements", "user modifies object executable file" }; instances_allowed_at_one_time = 1; maximum_lifespan_of_class = "1 year"; online_registration_required = true; online_registration_host = "reg126.microsoft.com"; online_violations_host = "msfbi.microsoft.com" blame_user_for = { "logic errors", "syntax errors", "intermittent issues" }; } This LOOP-compliant class encapsulates a legally-binding contract requiring the user to obey certain requirements. For instance, the user must fork over $0.001 for every billion CPU cycles this object executes. Moreover, the user (and any programs the user writes) may only invoke one instance of this class at a time. If the user violates this MOOLA, the object is empowered to execute a "DEL HelloWorld.*" command, but not before reporting the violation to Microsoft via the new BLACKLIST.Con protocol. (If the user racks up more than three violations, all of their licenses are temporarily revoked for 30 days.) The Visual Workshop.Con interface will allow developers to easily create, define, and enforce their own MOOLAs. Of course, .Con is a cross-platform environment (it supports Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows 2000, _and_ Windows XP) and a cross-language paradigm (it supports Microsoft C--, Microsoft CheapJavaKnockoff, _and_ Microsoft Visual Ada). Now that it's finally available, Visual Workshop.Con will usher in a new age of productivity and standardization, the likes of which has only previously been imagined by science fiction and horror writers. Every facet of our lives will be embraced; we will no longer be slaves to inferior software. The results of .Con's deployment will be an increased level of freedom, with the machines finally realizing their true potential as information processors -- just as long as you don't try to copy, mangle, manipulate, reverse-engineer, re-compile, alter, configure, hack, crack, break-into, modify, unbundle, or customize your software or violate the terms of the thousands of MOOLAs you will be bound by. As developers move to embrace .Con, the Internet will be transformed from an anarchistic labyrinth of Communist symphathizers and long-haired hippie freaks into an ordered, standardized, controlled community having the utmost respect for the rule of law and the realization that copyrights and patents are the only things that bring about real innovation and software quality. .Con marks the dawn of the third age of computing -- embrace it. In doing so, you will allow Microsoft to embrace and extend your life into a new realm of possibilities. --- Rita Rong is a software consultant and the author of numerous books in the popular "...For Complete Idiots" series. She is currently working on a "non-fiction" work for Microsoft Press entitled "Jesus, Gutenberg, Babbage, Ballmer, and Gates: The Five Greatest People in the History of Mankind". When not shilling for Microsoft, Rita enjoys playing "Monopoly" and filing lawsuits against miscreants that quote her books without first obtaining express written permission. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From inventivemarketing@home.com Fri Feb 22 19:41:57 2002 Received: from imladris.infradead.org ([IPv6:::ffff:194.205.184.45]:41989 "EHLO infradead.org") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 22 Feb 2002 19:41:50 +0100 Received: from pcp247043pcs.howard01.md.comcast.net ([68.55.65.214] helo=cc1022930-d) by infradead.org with smtp (Exim 3.20 #2) id 16eKdh-00020x-00; Fri, 22 Feb 2002 18:41:49 +0000 From: Legal Secretaries / Paralegals Reply-To: inventivemarketing@home.com Subject: Legal Secretary / Paralegal Jobs Resumes Date: Fri, 22 Feb 2002 13:40:08 -0800 X-Mailer: 007 Direct Email Easy MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="55946f3e-2798-11d6-ab39-00a0c9936af0" Message-Id: To: unlisted-recipients:; (no To-header on input) Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org This is a multi-part message in MIME format --55946f3e-2798-11d6-ab39-00a0c9936af0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=windows-1252 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable www.LegalSecretaryCareers.com and www.ParalegalJobs.ORG are now linked. If = this has reached you in error please forward to the proper person. Bookmark = these sites and watch them grow quickly. --55946f3e-2798-11d6-ab39-00a0c9936af0-- From elist365@citiz.net Wed Feb 27 14:07:31 2002 Received: from [IPv6:::ffff:61.151.236.137] ([IPv6:::ffff:61.151.236.137]:57359 "ehlo vip") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 27 Feb 2002 14:07:12 +0100 From: elist365@citiz.net Subject: Get paid cash every time you receive email! To: humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Content-Type: text/html; Sender: elist365@citiz.net Date: Wed, 27 Feb 2002 21:06:47 +0800 X-Priority: 3 X-Library: Caretop Library X-Mailer: Caretop 2604 Message-Id: <20020227130722Z16697-29675+36@humbolt.nl.linux.org> Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org

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