From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Dec 9 23:54:11 2001 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:54718 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 9 Dec 2001 23:49:05 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sun, 09 Dec 2001 23:48:06 +0100 (CET) Received: from imladris.infradead.org ([IPv6:::ffff:194.205.184.45]:12807 "EHLO infradead.org") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 9 Dec 2001 23:29:15 +0100 Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.179]) by infradead.org with esmtp (Exim 3.20 #2) id 16DCRU-0008GH-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Sun, 09 Dec 2001 22:29:04 +0000 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-175.midwest.net [209.248.17.185]) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id OAA05794 for ; Sun, 9 Dec 2001 14:28:33 -0800 (PST) Message-ID: <3C13E4F7.648D5A84@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 09 Dec 2001 16:25:59 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Humorix Unveils New Form Of Intrusive, Annoying Advertising Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Humorix Unveils New Form Of Intrusive, Annoying Advertising Press Release December 9, 2001 In a last-ditch effort to make money and increase its stock (Nasdaq: FAUX) above 0.00001 cents, Humorix World Domination announced today a new Web advertising medium code-named "Blackmail". "Banner ads, full screen ads, pop-unders, pop-overs, pop-arounds, dancing paper clips, and other forms of advertising have all failed on the Web," explained Mr. Wee Zell, Humorix's new Chief of Marketing & Getting Rich Quick. "But we've designed a new system guaranteed to increase click-through rates to nearly 100%." The innovative "Blackmail" system works by presenting visitors with a simple choice: "Click on this advertisement OR ELSE!" If the customer refuses, JavaScript code on the webpage will redirect the browser to "C:\CON\CON" which will immediately cause a Win9x system to bluescreen. If that doesn't work, the Blackmail system will order the browser to load a page containing 1,000,000 nested tables, which will likely cause Netscape to crash. And if that fails, Blackmail will redirect the browser to a random porn site, preferably one that automatically plays loud audio clips not suitable for children _or_ most adults. "It's just like a hot stove," explained Mr. Zell. "Once you burn your hand once, you won't touch a hot stove again. And once you get burned by Blackmail, you won't try to ignore the advertising again. By guaranteeing that visitors will click on their advertisments, we can charge premium rates to our sponsors." The new advertising system also has another large benefit. "When a website unveils a new obnoxious form of advertising, Slashdot and other high-traffic sites always link to them!"[1] boasted Mr. G. E. Trich, Humorix's Investor Relations Liason & Executive Book Cooker. "According to our research, when we launch Blackmail, there is a 98.3% probability that Slashdot will place a link to Humorix within 24 hours, boosting our traffic by 100,000%! Mr. Trich continued, "We also plan to enforce an anti-linking policy to increase the number of sites that link to us. When KPMG demanded that webmasters obtain permission to link to them, everybody and their brother linked to them without permission[2]. We want the same thing to happen to Humorix. Hopefully we can convince Taco Boy over at Slashdot to post two stories about Humorix -- one about Blackmail and one about our anti-link policy." Humorix plans to launch the Blackmail system on December 15, 2001. If you have questions, concerns, comments, or flames about the proposed advertising medium, please send an email to flames@i-want-a-website.com. We promise not to sell your name and address to evil spammers in exchange for desperately needed cash. We also promise not to send you an email with a Perl script attachment that silently changes your browser's configuration file to replace the line "javascript=disabled" with "javascript=enabled" to better prepare your browser for the Blackmail experience. This press release was produced by Say Hi To Hype Media Relations, your number one source for buzzword-laden content-free publications this side of Microsoft. [1] http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=01/12/08/1424223&mode=thread [2] http://www.wired.com/news/print/0,1294,48874,00.html -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Dec 23 18:59:46 2001 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:22430 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 23 Dec 2001 18:59:41 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sun, 23 Dec 2001 18:58:55 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.181]:26590 "EHLO epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 23 Dec 2001 18:58:43 +0100 Received: from mocape01-8.midwest.net ([209.248.17.18] helo=ldd.net) by epic with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16ICtT-0003lf-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Sun, 23 Dec 2001 09:58:40 -0800 Message-ID: <3C261AA6.FEF47AF@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 23 Dec 2001 11:55:51 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Linus Torvalds Files Suit Against Lindows Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Linus Torvalds Files Suit Against Lindows December 23, 2001 For the first time in recorded history, Linus Torvalds and Bill Gates are on the same side. Sort of. Linus has joined Microsoft in filing a lawsuit against Lindows for trademark infringement. He isn't worried that people will mistake "Lindows" for "Linux". But he is concerned that people might mistake "Lindows" for "Windows". "I don't want my creation associated with some crappy operating system produced by Microsoft," explained Torvalds. The name Lindows, however, does just that. I realize that the Lindows folks are doing their part to achieve World Domination fast, but can't they at least come up with an original name that doesn't slander Linux by connecting it with the W-word?" The Lindows legal staff, currently holed up in a small office building laid seige by Microsoft's vast army of lawyers, issued only a brief response that said, "One lawsuit at a time, please. Can't you at least wait a few months? Signed, Mrs. Mia Kulpa, chief attorney for the Company Soon To Be Formerly Known As Lindows." Microsoft's lawsuit seeks $1.5 billion in damages plus a court order demanding that every Lindows developer get on their knees before Chairman Bill and beg for forgiveness. Torvalds, on the other hand, does not want monetary damages and seeks only to obtain a ruling that states once and for all that Windows sucks and therefore the Lindows name would soil the reputation of Linux. In related news, the Lindows executives have yet to respond to the 512 voice mails left by Richard M. Stallman demanding to know why their name isn't "GNU/Lindows". -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Mon Dec 24 00:40:52 2001 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:31940 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 24 Dec 2001 00:40:38 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Mon, 24 Dec 2001 00:40:20 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.181]:61097 "EHLO epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 24 Dec 2001 00:40:02 +0100 Received: from mocape01-79.midwest.net ([209.248.17.89] helo=ldd.net) by epic with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16IIDn-00023z-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Sun, 23 Dec 2001 15:39:59 -0800 Message-ID: <3C266AA6.BA14FA16@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 23 Dec 2001 17:37:10 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Signs Exclusive Marketing Deal With Santa Claus Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Microsoft Signs Exclusive Marketing Deal With Santa Claus December 23, 2001 NORTH POLE -- Have you been a good boy or girl? If so, then you've wasted your time. Santa Claus, thanks to a partnership inked with Microsoft at the last minute, will be delivering copies of Windows XP along with XBox games (XBox not included) to millions of children across the world. Naughty children, on the other hand, will receive a lump of coal which, according to our calculations, is 50% more valuable than any Microsoft product. We here at Humorix sincerely hope that you have been naughty this year and will therefore not receive any "gifts" from the Evil Empire. Last week, Microsoft secretly signed the marketing deal with North Pole Enterprises (formerly eSanta.com during the dotcom bubble). In exchange for agreeing to only distribute Microsoft software and hardware, the Redmond monopoly would "donate" US$20.9 billion worth of products (actual cost: $29.00) to Santa Claus. North Pole also made a similar deal with the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Privacy Violations. The FBI&PV would allow Santa access to its Carnivore and Echelon systems to make a list of who's been naughty or nice. Then Santa would be allowed to use Magic Lantern to check the list twice. In exchange for these services, Santa's elves must include an FBI&PV backdoor in all software distributed to children. In a press release, Bill Gates annouced the Microsoft-North Pole-FBI&PV triumverate deal and boasted, "This innovative plan will enable millions of children to get a headstart using Microsoft software and prepare them for living and working in the Windows world of the 21st Century." The beauty of the plan is that Santa Claus doesn't accept returns. If a child with an Apple computer receives a shiny new upgrade version of Windows XP from Santa... well, tough. Research conducted by Humorix shows that Windows CDs make very poor drink coasters... although Microsoft manuals do work adequately for lining bird cages. An executive for Apple was outraged over the Microsoft gift-giving scheme. "This is just another attempt to brainwash children into using their products. We should know; this patented strategy is the only thing keeping Apple in business. I wish we would have thought of Santa Claus first!" Earlier today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs attempted to negotiate a similar deal with the Easter Bunny until he learned that the egg-laying rabbit doesn't exist. "Everybody knows that the Easter Bunny isn't real," Bill Gates said during a TV interview about the Santa Claus deal. "Steve is such an idiot." -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Dec 30 19:27:20 2001 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:31707 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 30 Dec 2001 19:27:12 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sun, 30 Dec 2001 19:26:29 +0100 (CET) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.179]:62119 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 30 Dec 2001 19:26:20 +0100 Received: from mocape01-44.midwest.net ([209.248.17.54] helo=ldd.net) by atlantic with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #2) id 16Kkex-00063g-00 for humorix@humbolt.nl.linux.org; Sun, 30 Dec 2001 10:26:12 -0800 Message-ID: <3C2F59B7.2D5DA08F@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 30 Dec 2001 12:15:19 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Ask Humorix: How Do I Dispose Of This Trash? Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Ask Humorix: How Do I Dispose Of This Trash? December 30, 2001 Zed Zealot writes, "My Aunt Bertha gave me a copy of 'Furniture Store Tycoon' for Christmas. Unfortunately, this game only runs on Windows and because of the sheer bloat of DirectX 12.0, requires a 3.2 GHz Septium IV. I only run Linux at home and I'm not about to go to CompUSSR and buy a $1000 computer just so I can play this lousy game and enjoy the next-generation Windows bluescreen. So what I am I supposed to to do with this present I can't use?" The Humorix Oracle responds, Aww, the joys of living as a Linux longhair. We've all faced this problem before. Some well-meaning but clue-impaired relative hears that you're into computers and so decides to drop by "Cabbages" or "Paperclips" to purchase a computer game for your Christmas present. The relative is then sweet-talked by the pimply-faced sales associate who is paid $7.50 per hour to say things like "That game is cool!" and "My brother loves that game!" The relative then leaves the store with a new Windows-only game that cost $50 but really should have been placed in the $5 bargain bin along with all the other games that barely qualify as shareware. Of course, it's the thought that counts. But that will be little comfort when you next see your relative and they ask "Do you like your present?" You will probably experience an urge to shout back, "How dare you give me a present produced by the spawn of Satan! Take back this foul scourge of unfathomable darkness from whence it came!" Of course, such a response would likely give your Aunt Bertha a heart attack, so it's much better to suck up your gut and lie through your teeth. "Oh, it was the best computer game I've ever played!" But don't praise the game too much or else you'll find the sequel in your stocking next year. So now your mission is to find some way to get rid of this albatross without upsetting your relative. Chucking it in the bottom of the ocean is probably a first choice. But if every Linux geek did this, the oceans would become polluted with "End User License Agreements" and "Register Online Or Else!" pamphlets. (The world already has enough AOL CDs floating around as it is). No, you will need to find a better place to dispose of your Windows trash. You could try returning the vile product back to the store. But this usually accomplishes little. Most stores will only allow you to exchange the product for another one. But since the typical Cabbages only carries boxes with the Windows logo (read: warning label) affixed, you'll wind up trading one worthless Windows game for another even more worthless Windows game. Don't even try asking "Do you carry Linux games?" to the pimply-faced sales associate; he'll just stare at you blankly and say, "This is a computer store... We don't carry Lennox air conditioners. Try Bubba's Appliances & Shiny Things Emporium at the other end of the mall..." Now, you could also try reusing the components as household objects. CDs make excellent drink coasters, manuals make good props for crooked chairs and tables, and "End User License Agreements" make decent bird-cage liner. But this is a risky option. Your Aunt Bertha might show up unannounced one year and suddenly you'll need to invent an explanation for why that 'SimSewer' CD is being used as a coffee cup holder. "Didn't I get you that back in Christmas aught-one?" she'll ask. It seems, then, that you have only one viable choice. Give the darn thing to the neighborhood Windows weenie. Every town has one -- the guy who thinks he's the world's greatest "power user" because he finished a course entitled "Advanced Microsoft Office" at the local community college. He's the guy who worships Bill Gates, uses nothing but Microsoft products, and constantly laughs at those Mac idiots with their click-and-drool interfaces (of course he's never heard of Linux). So, it's a win-win situation. You get rid of the vile Windows software without the knowledge of your relative, and the Windows weenie will have something to occupy his time before the community college offers the next class he wants to take, "Intro to MS-DOS & Batch Files". And if you can't find a deserving Bill Gates groupie, then, well, you'll just have to burn the gift once and for all. Beware... most municipalities have ordinances against burning toxic waste and Windows software almost certainly fits into that category. You owe the Oracle a map showing the location of a computer store that actually carries Linux software, and I'm not talking about one dusty copy of Red Hat 5.1 hidden in the back corner. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/