From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Sat Nov 3 05:14:34 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Sat, 3 Nov 2001 05:14:25 +0100 Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.180]:40366 "EHLO capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 3 Nov 2001 05:14:07 +0100 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-103.midwest.net [209.248.17.113]) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id UAA24848 for ; Fri, 2 Nov 2001 20:13:44 -0800 (PST) Message-ID: <3BE37DB4.82BA310B@ldd.net> Date: Fri, 02 Nov 2001 23:16:36 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Bill Gates Receives Slap On Wrist; Carpal Tunnel Flares Up Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Bill Gates Receives Slap On Wrist; Carpal Tunnel Flares Up November 2, 2001 REDMOND, WA -- The phrase "slap on the wrist" usually signifies an extremely minor punishment received for a crime. In Bill Gates' case, the punishment set forth in the tentative settlement with the Department Of Justice hasn't been quite so minor. After receiving a slap on the wrist from the DOJ, Bill Gates' is now suffering from a severe case of carpal tunnel syndrome. "Mr. Gates was slapped on the left wrist earlier today by a DOJ lawyer," said the chief surgeon of the mini-hospital enclosed within the Gates Mansion. "Now he can't move that hand without extreme pain. It's obvious that years of sitting in front of a computer plotting world domination has caused his hands and nerves to become fragile and vulnerable to even the slightest touch." The settlement sent Microsoft's stock up several points today, increasing Bill Gates' portfolio by a cool billion or so. With this extra cash, the Chief Bloatware Architect can easily afford the best medical care possible. He wants wrist surgery performed as soon as possible. Not only is his left hand essential for typing internal memos describing how to cut off the air supply of Microsoft competitors (assuming any still exist), it's also vital for quickly issuing a CTRL-ALT-DELETE key sequence. "He'll be back to playing Solitaire (on the computer) and Monopoly (in the real world) within a matter of days," boasted the chief surgeon. "And if by some strange chance the surgery is unsuccessful, we might consider paying somebody a billion or so to donate a limb for an arm transplant." The Department of Justice proclaimed that the incident has vindicated their actions. Explained the lawyer who delivered the punishment, "We've been accused of selling out to Microsoft. We've been criticized for giving up even though we've already won the game. But that's all wrong. It's quite clear that the slap-on-the-wrist punishment we settled on has been anything but a slap on the wrist. We won this case and Microsoft lost. So there!" - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sun Nov 4 22:36:55 2001 Received: from localhost ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:25790 "EHLO humbolt") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 4 Nov 2001 22:36:35 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v0.129a; list humorix); Sun, 04 Nov 2001 22:32:06 +0100 (CET) Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.180]:51909 "EHLO capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 4 Nov 2001 22:31:54 +0100 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-104.midwest.net [209.248.17.114]) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id NAA12699 for ; Sun, 4 Nov 2001 13:31:18 -0800 (PST) Sender: stan@onemain.com Message-ID: <3BE5C1FA.CD91F7E0@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 04 Nov 2001 16:32:26 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: Say Goodbye To Speling Erors On Slashdot Once And For All Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v0.129a Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 0.129a X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Say Goodbye To Speling Erors On Slashdot Once And For All November 4, 2001 Mozilla has finally stumbled upon a reason for its existence. Earlier today the programming team behind the kitchen-sink-disguised-as-a-web-browser announced a brand new killer feature dubbed "De-Taco-izer". When enabled, this feature will automatically detect and correct all spelling snubs, punctuation problems, grammar gaffes, and annoying alliterations contained on a webpage. "This is going to make surfing the Web so much more enjoyable," explained one Mozillian. "This will significantly reduce the number of redundant comments posted to Slashdot about Taco Boy's twisted use of the English language. Our projections indicate that the total amount of bandwidth saved across the entire Internet should drop by two or even three percent!" De-Taco-izer includes a special "College English Professor With An Attitude" mode which will highlight all of the mistakes with red scribbles and then assign a letter grade to the webpage. For instance, if Taco Boy uses "virii" instead of "viruses", the De-Taco-izer will write an annotation across the page saying, "I've seen warez d00dz write with better mechanics than this! D-" The project leader behind De-Taco-izer hopes to extend the auto-correction technology to other domains. "We've already got a demoronizer to eliminate non-standard Microsoft characters," he said. "But what we really need is a De-Marketing-izer to make corrections to commonly abused phrases by marketing weasels. For instance, a 'known issue' would become a 'stupid bug our programmers didn't have time to fix because they were busy adding a Dancing Start Menu'. And 'dear valued customer' would be silently replaced with 'dear supplicant who is about to get screwed yet again'." These new features could give Mozilla a desperately needed fifth chance to succeed. "Mozilla will become the de facto choice for browsing Slashdot," said one zealot. "With De-Taco-izer, you won't get a headache every time you read a movie review by Taco Boy." Not everybody is convinced. "Microsoft will just 'invent' this idea next week and integrate the Word spell-checker into Internet Explorer," said one naysayer. "Users without Word will be gently reminded every 3.2 minutes to go out and buy Office XP (but only after they obtain a Passport). And of course Microsoft will patent this feature; Mozilla should find itself at the wrong end of a lawsuit within the next month or so." Richard M. Stallman didn't seem too impressed with De-Taco-izer either. "How can something that claims to correct spelling errors not change 'Linux' into 'GNU/Linux'? What a joke!" Rob Malda's high school English teacher was unavailable for comment at press time. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Tue Nov 6 05:19:52 2001 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:27350 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Tue, 6 Nov 2001 05:19:38 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Tue, 06 Nov 2001 05:15:02 +0100 (CET) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.179]:42649 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Tue, 6 Nov 2001 05:14:50 +0100 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-53.midwest.net [209.248.17.63]) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id UAA03578 for ; Mon, 5 Nov 2001 20:14:26 -0800 (PST) Message-ID: <3BE771F1.9E18FE1@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 05 Nov 2001 23:15:30 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: How To Make Your Own Version Of SuSE Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org How To Make Your Own Version Of SuSE Stuart Cooper, scooper@Informix.Com STEP 1. Create a new impossible three-dimensional shape; in green for the professional edition and blue for personal edition. Print out this figure and slap in on the front of the SuSE product box. The blue shape should look a bit like a spinning top and the green shape should have triangle things in it. STEP 2. Make new versions of the SuSE sysadmin tool Yast and X admin tool SaX: # ln -s /sbin/yast2 /sbin/yast3 # ln -s /usr/X11R6/bin/sax2 /usr/X11R6/bin/sax3 Also have a later point release of KDE and a choice to install up to 5 different Linux kernels during the installation. STEP 3. Create another four CDs for the professional pack so that SuSE now comes on 11 CDs not a disappointing 7. You should be able to do this by grabbing the latest stable version of absolutely everything from rpmfind.net. After you've done this find some more RPM archive sites and grab everything off them as well. Then do freshmeat. STEP 4. Create some more high quality documentation. Every 70th diagram should be captioned in German and not English. STEP 5 (hard). Exhaustively test the installation and software configurations. Provide installation support and a superb web site and support database. Get another round of funding from IBM and Intel. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Wed Nov 7 06:49:48 2001 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:37553 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 7 Nov 2001 06:49:32 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Wed, 07 Nov 2001 06:44:55 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.182]:21431 "EHLO sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 7 Nov 2001 06:44:48 +0100 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-42.midwest.net [209.248.17.52]) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id VAA08888 for ; Tue, 6 Nov 2001 21:44:24 -0800 (PST) Message-ID: <3BE8BE18.75B5B14B@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 06 Nov 2001 22:52:40 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: DOJ Unveils "Three Strikes And You're Still In" Policy Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org DOJ Unveils "Three Strikes And You're Still In" Policy November 6, 2001 WASHINGTON, D.C. -- To fight the War on Terrorism, the US is going to need a lot more prison space to hold all of the evil computer hackers now classified as domestic terrorists. As a result, Attorney General Don Bashcroft decided last week that millions of non-violent and only-somewhat-violent prisoners in the Federal prison system will be released to make room for terrorists. After making a settlement with the DOJ, one Mike Roe Sawff of Redmond, Washington became the first prisoner set free under the new policy. Mr. Sawff, the president of a window manufacturing firm, was convicted of arson after setting fire to the offices of several different competitors. The other window companies all folded as a result, giving the Mike R. Sawff Window Co. a virtual monopoly on the plate-glass window market. As part of the settlement, Mr. Sawff will go free with the condition that a committee of law-enforcement personnel will oversee his life for the next five years. Mr. Sawff will no longer be permitted to commit arson against another company (unless they threaten his intellectual property rights) and he must undergo a training seminar entitled "Setting Fire To Your Competition Is A No-No". If he fails to meet these terms, the committee oversight will be extended by two more years. It's not entirely clear what powers this committee will have, if any. Don Bashcroft said at a press conference, "It's quite clear that Mr. Mike R. Sawf is only a semi-violent offender. Let's give him a fourth chance and make room in our prisons for real terrorists." When asked for examples of "real terrorists", Bashcroft responded, "Well, just yesterday some snot-nosed pro-piracy encryption-using juvenile-delinquent hacked into the doj.gov website to fix a broken link that was annoying him. Unauthorized computer access that impacts the operation of government is quite clearly an act of domestic terrorism under the new 'Only Commies Don't Believe In Patriotism Act of 2001'. The little perp should get 50 years minimum, but only if there's sufficient prison space available." The policy has garnered its fair share of critics. Explained the leader of the Open Door Movement (a rogue group of hobbyists that build and hand out free doors as an alternative to expensive Sawff windows), "We can't let Mr. Sawff's crimes go unpunished! Why did the DOJ spend millions of dollars prosecuting the arsonist only to cave in at the last minute? This will just encourage other would-be arsonists such as Starr Bukxs, Ore A. Kull, Vera Sine, Ayohell Tymewarner, Walt Disney, Nye Kee, Mac Donnulds, Aytee N. Tee, Unee Siss, Ted Turner, and Rupert Murdoch." Another naysayer said nay. "During the arson trial, Mr. Sawff showed an obviously doctored video that attempted to frame one of his enemies, Mr. Linn Icks, for setting the fires. Of course if anybody else committed perjury in court (except maybe the President), they would have been deported to the bottom of the South Pacific by now. Why should Mike Roe Sawff be treated any different?" -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Mon Nov 12 10:23:08 2001 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:40339 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 12 Nov 2001 10:17:57 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Mon, 12 Nov 2001 10:17:09 +0100 (CET) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.179]:43466 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 12 Nov 2001 03:26:34 +0100 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-171.midwest.net [209.248.17.181]) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id SAA11674 for ; Sun, 11 Nov 2001 18:26:25 -0800 (PST) Message-ID: <3BEF32CF.D33ED7C3@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2001 20:24:15 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] ICANN Announces Unlimited TLDs For Private Use Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org ICANN Announces Unlimited TLDs For Private Use Bernhard Rosenkraenzer, bero@redhat.de November 11, 2001 In a stunning move, the Emperor of ICANN (ICANN Controls All Network Navigation) announced today at a press conference that the "non-profit" organization will make available an unlimited number of Top Level Domains (TLDs) for private use only. When asked about the "private use only" part, the ICANN chief explained that users can now set the hostnames in their private networks or company intranets to fancy names like mailserver.companyname or spamrelay.aol. These host names/domain names will, of course, not be visible or resolvable outside the private network. All you need to do is register your private TLD (pTLD), or subdomain of someone else's pTLD, at ICANN's IntranetNic.com for the "small fee" of $500 per year. All names under any pTLD are guaranteed to be available for new customers. During the next month, customers who sign up for the program will receive the "localhost" name absolutely free. Microsoft has already implemented this feature in an update to Windows XP, which is automatically installed when launching the online software registration tool. "Companies using pTLDs without paying will be uncovered as the thieves they are", Microsoft spokesman and ICANN member William Ipo commented. The Bush administration welcomed the new pTLD policy enthusiastically by immediately registering its ".war", ".kill" and ".lies" domains. "The new pTLD program is a major step in fighting terrorism", Bush spokesman Frank Raud explained. "We can't wait to learn who will register .terror, .al-quaida, .taliban and .bin-laden, and then kill them, the ISPs harboring their gateways, the makers of their routing software, and the companies providing their electricity." In support of the move, Raud announced a pending law dubbed Secure networkS Service Certification Act (SSSCA) 2.0, outlawing any operating system that allows using pTLDs without registration, or that can easily be patched to do so. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Mon Nov 12 10:23:10 2001 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:26775 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 12 Nov 2001 10:22:11 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Mon, 12 Nov 2001 10:22:05 +0100 (CET) Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.179]:46029 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 12 Nov 2001 03:32:05 +0100 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-171.midwest.net [209.248.17.181]) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id SAA18897 for ; Sun, 11 Nov 2001 18:32:01 -0800 (PST) Message-ID: <3BEF3453.9884B943@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2001 20:30:43 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Yet Another Horrible, Terrible Global Conspiracy Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Yet Another Horrible, Terrible Global Conspiracy November 11, 2001 They've got operatives everywhere. No discussion, no meeting, no presentation is hidden from their spies. Their iron-clad grip over the world is complete; they are in control. No, we're not talking about Microsoft. The shadowy organization in question is the GNU Project. Their mission? To track down and chastise every person who says "Linux" instead of "GNU/Linux". The staff of Humorix had a run-in with one of the GNU/Linuxistas last week. It wasn't a pleasant experience. We were sitting down to the weekly staff meeting to discuss new story ideas when somebody said the word "Linux". Out of nowhere, a masked figure appeared and said, "It's GNU/Linux, dammit!" He disappeared in a poof of smoke. Naturally, one of our less gifted employees (Mr. Moe Ronn, the part-time janitor and coffee machine mechanic) immediately blurted out "Linux" without thinking. The masked figure materialized again out of thin air and yelled, "What did I just say? Don't you people listen? When a shadowy figure suddenly appears out of nowhere, it's just common courtesy to show a little respect and listen to him!" Mr. Moe Ronn shouted back, "If I want to refer to the operating system as 'Linux', that's my business! Linux, Linux, Linux!" The intruder covered his ears to avoid hearing the painful and incorrect word. "Silence! If you don't start calling the operating system by the correct term, you will be sorry!" Jon Splatz, chief pundit, yelled, "Yeah? You and what army?" Immediately several more of the shadowy figures appeared out of thin air. They all looked alike. One Humorix employee later said they looked like clones of Richard M. Stallman, but since none of us have ever seen RMS, we can't be sure. Our own Mr. Ronn, not realizing the gravity of the situation, blurted out, "There's no law requiring people to mention the GNU Project every time they talk about a certain operating system based on a kernel not created by the GNU Project!" Of course, Moe Ronn pronounced "GNU" as "Gee-Enn-You" which didn't help matters any. "It's GNU, dammit, not G-N-U!" one of the masked intruders yelled. "GNU/Linux! GNU/Linux! GNU/Linux! Why is that so hard for you guys to say?" Thankfully, fate stepped in to save the day. One of the GNU/Linuxistas received a message from GNU World Headquarters near Boston that said, "Emergency! Code Red! Bill Gates has just given a presentation where he tried to claim that he helped invent Open Source. All agents rendezvous in Redmond immediately to re-educate Gates and the audience. For one thing, it's 'Free Software', not 'Open Source'! Let's move!" The masked intruders disappeared as quickly as they had arrived. Thankfully, they never returned. Just to be safe, the Humorix staff has been diligent in referring to Linus Torvalds' creation as the "Operating System Formerly Known As Linux", or OSFKAL. Let this be a warning to you. The GNU Project knows where you live. They know when you don't say "GNU/Linux". They know about your nasty habit of using the incorrect term "Open Source". When you least expect it, one of their operatives will arrive in your computer room unannounced. Will you be prepared? -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Thu Nov 22 07:30:12 2001 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:472 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Thu, 22 Nov 2001 07:29:53 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Thu, 22 Nov 2001 07:29:10 +0100 (CET) Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.181]:13758 "EHLO epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Thu, 22 Nov 2001 07:29:03 +0100 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-39.midwest.net [209.248.17.49]) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id WAA25296 for ; Wed, 21 Nov 2001 22:28:49 -0800 (PST) Message-ID: <3BFC8B6B.A82D8A6E@ldd.net> Date: Wed, 21 Nov 2001 23:21:47 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Let's Sue Red Hat! Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Let's Sue Red Hat! Noah Morals, Official Humorix Lawyer November 21, 2001 Microsoft has just innovated its own death warrant. Earlier this week, the Redmond monopoly attempted to settle several pending lawsuits by promising to give $1 billion to poor school districts so they can purchase shiny new computers to run the latest version of Microsoft Windows XP Indoctrination Edition. What a brilliant strategy! If the court agrees to the terms, then Microsoft will be punished for anti-competitive tactics with a sentence requiring the company to engage in even more anti-competitive tactics. However, this legal maneuver could easily backfire, especially when a world-renowed lawyer such as myself steps to the plate. I say we pursue a similar strategy within the Linux community... Let's sue Red Hat! The plan is simple: 1. We round up a bunch of consumers willing to testify (in exchange for a small stipend, of course) that they've been harmed by the Red Hat hegemony. For instance, the "proprietary, anti-competitive" RPM package format forced them into using Red Hat against their will because most websites carry RPMs but not Slackware tarballs. (The arguments don't have to make sense, they just need to sound slick while containing oodles of technical gibberish. The sooner the judge's eyes glaze over, the better.) 2. We file a class-action lawsuit against Red Hat. 3. We win the case. Now, you might think this step is easier said than done, but let's not forget about the sheer genius of yours truly. I haven't lost a case yet... well, not if you don't count that charge of wreckless driving while chasing an ambulance ten years ago. Of course, that legal defeat and the resulting three-week jail term provided valuable life experience. So there! I can guarantee that we will win this case. 4. We present a settlement package to the court. If Red Hat provides $1 billion worth of software (actual value: $129.95 in blank CDs) for schools, non-profits organizations, and government agencies, then we will drop the case. This provides the perfect opportunity for Linux to spread into more and more places. Government offices will be required to install Red Hat Linux because they must accept the lowest bid... and a price of zero is guaranteed to be the lowest bid. Linux World Domination(tm) will continue unabated. 5. I will collect a sizable amount of scratch from legal fees, enabling me to buy another luxury yacht. It's a win-win situation! If you wish to participate in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to turn the tables on Microsoft, please contact me at nomorals@i-want-a-website.com. Your first consultation is free. Void where prohibited. This advertisement should not be construed as to endorse ambulance chasing, plotting world domination, or brow-beating Microsoft employees. Guarantee of winning lawsuit not valid in most states. Results may vary. This solicitation does not apply to citizens of those states (AL, CT, FL, IA, IL, MN, NV, OR, WY) for which Mr. Noah Morals' law license has been permanently revoked. Linux rules. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Sat Nov 24 06:59:40 2001 Received: from localhost.nl.linux.org ([IPv6:::ffff:127.0.0.1]:39860 "EHLO humbolt.") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 24 Nov 2001 06:59:28 +0100 Received: with LISTAR (v1.0.0; list humorix); Sat, 24 Nov 2001 06:58:28 +0100 (CET) Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.182]:56980 "EHLO sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 24 Nov 2001 06:58:15 +0100 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-52.midwest.net [209.248.17.62]) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id VAA22702 for ; Fri, 23 Nov 2001 21:40:39 -0800 (PST) Message-ID: <3BFF1BD1.3CC7F7CC@ldd.net> Date: Fri, 23 Nov 2001 22:02:25 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Linux Kernel 2.6 Preview Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Approved-By: jbaughn@ldd.net X-listar-version: Listar v1.0.0 Sender: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org Errors-to: humorix-bounce@nl.linux.org X-original-sender: jbaughn@ldd.net Precedence: bulk Reply-to: humorix-l@nl.linux.org List-help: List-unsubscribe: List-software: Listar version 1.0.0 X-List-ID: List-subscribe: List-owner: List-post: List-archive: X-list: humorix Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"| /bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-archive@nl.linux.org Linux Kernel 2.6 Preview November 23, 2001 The time has come. Kernel hackers from across the globe will now have the opportunity to show off their programming talent with the opening of the 2.5 development branch of the Linux kernel. A lucky few will get their kernel patches approved by Linus Torvalds so that they may join the elite grandmasters of geekdom and become a fixture of the holy CHANGELOG. Everybody else will remain condemned to work on yet another mediocre half-finished game or MP3 player with a Freshmeat vitality rating of 1e-12. The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) set its new time machine to March 15, 2005 (the date when 2.6.0 will finally be released) to see what new innovations the next-generation Linux kernel will contain. [Editor's Note: Oops, we meant "features". The word "innovations" is a Microsoft registered trademark. Sorry about that.] * No more VM flame wars The kernel hackers will finally agree on an appropriate replacement for the Virtual Memory system. After years of intense flame wars and the loss of many innocent Linux Kernel Mailing List bystanders, Linus will decide to recreate the VM subsystem from scratch. Instead of storing virtual memory to disk, the system will store excess data directly into the user's brain via a USB-to-cranium hardware adapter, available at finer retail outlets for US$19.95. "Hard drives are slow," Linus will say in an interview with SlashMeatKayfiveSalonToday (Slashdot + Freshmeat + Kuro5hin + Salon Magazine + LinuxToday; Salon will be acquired for a total of 10 dollars and 32 cents as part of a hostile takeover in 2002). The Benevolent Dictator will continue, "But the human brain can quickly store and retrieve an almost unlimited amount of data. Why waste our time with virtual memory algorithms when we can just let the brain do all the work?" Of course, those old-fashioned users who don't wish to have gigabytes of raw data transferred to their grey matter will have the option to use the old VM subsystem. * Crash stashing Linux has always had a reputation for stability and long uptimes as compared with Microsoft offerings. However, kernel panics and X Window crashes, though rare, still occur. Thanks to the new VM subsystem, kernel 2.6 will be able to completely reboot in 3.2 microseconds, eliminating the many inconveniences that crashes typically cause. "All of the machine's state information and memory contents will be backed up into the user's brain using either 'ext4' or 'reiserBrainFS', two new journaling grey matter filesystems," one prominent kernel hacker will explain. "When a crash occurs, this data can be quickly transferred back into RAM and the system will proceed normally without any hiccups. The user won't even know a kernel panic occurred or that Netscapeozilla 8.4 crashed for the billionth time. Let's see Microsoft innovative this!" * Meta-anti-piracy tools By 2005, Congress will be extremely close to passing the SSSCA bill (renamed the "It's For The Children Of Rock Stars Act") and effectively outlawing any software without built-in anti-copyright-infringement tools. Linus Torvalds will see the corrupt handwriting on the wall and decide to include a new feature in 2.6 that will hopefully teach Sen. Fritz Hollings and his MPAA and RIAA cronies a lesson. Get ready for "Attackster", a module that implements Digital Rights Management protocols and detects any attempt to copy or use unauthorized material. Upon detection, the kernel will send a barrage of e-mails to RIAA or MPAA World Headquarters informing them of the violation. But this is a Good Thing! First, the messages will say "A copyright violation has occured at [date/time]" but won't reveal the identity of the user. More importantly, the trillions of messages sent per day will act as a Distributed Denial of Service Attack against the bad guys, sending their computer systems to a grinding halt. Linus will say, "This is exactly what Hollywood wants. If they can't handle the strain of Linux's new DRM features, then tough!" * Boss key One group standing in the way of Linux World Domination(tm) are Pointy Haired Bosses. Kernel 2.6 will address this Achilles heel by including a "boss key" that automatically switches the kernel to "Fake Windows Mode". In this mode, Linux will simulate the Windows XP-2005 environment, complete with Dancing Paperclips, bluescreens, and incessant reminders to sign up for a Microsoft Passport. Now, geeks will be able to install Linux on their company workstations without the knowledge of their PHBs. Productivity will skyrocket, hopefully earning them a fat raise. [Editor's Note: We've received word that some Linux zealots have already created a similar program for Windows. When a Microsoft lawyer shows up for a surprise license inspection, users can hit the "Linux Key" and the system will simulate a Linux box, complete with cryptic boot messages and incompatible window managers. The Microserfs won't be able to tell the difference (unless the underlying Windows kernel happens to crash at the wrong time).] * Conclusion Unfortunately, during their foray into the future, the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) learned that Microsoft will still be in business in 2005. I suppose we can't expect miracles all of the time, but this is still a major letdown. However, we can rest assured knowing that progress on Linux will continue and the path to World Domination will have fewer obstacles. Or something like that. -- Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/