From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Sat Oct 13 21:50:53 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Sat, 13 Oct 2001 21:50:29 +0200 Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.182]:31979 "EHLO sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 13 Oct 2001 21:50:14 +0200 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-156.midwest.net [209.248.17.166]) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id MAA00954 for ; Sat, 13 Oct 2001 12:49:49 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <3BC89AD2.EED53CFF@ldd.net> Date: Sat, 13 Oct 2001 14:49:38 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Here Comes The MCSE-ocracy! Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Here Comes The MCSE-ocracy! Glenn Alexander, glenalec@ozemail.com.au October 13, 2001 Forget about the Laywerocracy and the Marketocracy. Those will happen soon enough, but the immediate threat is now! I'm talking about the MCSE-ocracy. Imagine an Internet where the people in charge claim as their greatest achievement finishing two solitaire games in a row. Where a security patch is a bandaid with a smily face printed on it. Where 60% uptime is good enough and it's always the fault of the user. Forget imagine. If you are unlucky enough to be forced to use a mainstream ISP, you are already living it! Of course it is an unwritten law of business that a manager will inadvertently never hire people more competent than they are. This explains the spread of MCSEs, an effect that has been variously described as Virus-like, Pac-man-like and even an intellect destroyer. There is a solution to this plague but everyone must do their part. Recent research has shown that MCSEs are extremely adverse to non-Microsoft operating systems. Although more testing is required, this appears to be predominantly for two reasons: 1. MCSEs don't know how to type. MCSEs are extremely talented at clicking on things (such as the queen of hearts, or especially the reset button) but beyond the ingrained knowledge of the CTRL, ARL, and DEL keys, they are lost in front of a keyboard. Although less effective, a non-MS GUI will also repel them quite well. 2. When faced with a machine that doesn't crash, MCSEs understandably get a bit worried about job security. And on the rare occasions that there is a crash on non-MS machines, you actually have to know what you are doing to get going again. A MCSE in an non-MS environment finds it pretty unnerving to have to admit that they called in the eleven-year-old kid that lives down the street to get the system up again. Fight the MCSE-ocracy. If you use dialup, join a small local ISP today. If there isn't one in your area, you've just discovered a businss opportunity. And remember: hiring a MCSE is a reflection on your own worth as a manager. Nobody ever got fired for using MCSEs -- they just went out of business. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Sat Oct 13 21:51:21 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Sat, 13 Oct 2001 21:50:40 +0200 Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.182]:29675 "EHLO sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 13 Oct 2001 21:50:10 +0200 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-156.midwest.net [209.248.17.166]) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id MAA00854 for ; Sat, 13 Oct 2001 12:49:44 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <3BC89502.3149218E@ldd.net> Date: Sat, 13 Oct 2001 14:24:50 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] 8GB Ought To Be Enough For Anybody Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- 8GB Ought To Be Enough For Anybody Fake News ~ October 13, 2001 REDMOND, WA -- In a shocking move, Microsoft has revealed that the new Xbox console will only contain an 8 gigabyte hard drive. This implies that the machines will use a version of the Windows operating system that fits within only 8GB. Squeezing Windows into such a small footprint must certainly be one of the greatest technological achievements ever crafted by Microsoft's Research & Assimilation Department. "I can't believe it," said one industry observer who always happens to show up when this Humorix reporter needs to quote somebody. "To think that they were able to strip away the easter egg flight simulators, the multi-gigabyte yet content-free Help files, and all of the other crap that comes bundled with Windows is simply remarkable. I don't even want to think about all of the manpower, blood, sweat, and tears required to distill Windows into only 8 gigabytes of bare essentials. Wow!" The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) obtained a leaked memo from Red Hat based on a leaked memo from Sony based on a leaked memo from Microsoft that sheds some light on the situation. According to this source, Microsoft originally planned on installing 10GB hard drives because they assumed it was simply impossible to force Windows into anything smaller than 10 gigs. But Microsoft's engineers pulled off the impossible. Since the company didn't want to leave 2 gigabytes of free space on the Xbox's hard drive (space that could be used by evil hackers to install Linux or other non-Microsoft programs), management decided to reduce the drives to 8 gigs and save some pennies in the process. We've also received word that even though the Xbox version of Windows has been sliced and diced mercilessly to bring it down to 8 gigs, it still contains the core features that Microsoft groupies have come to expect. For instance, the bluescreen is still in there. And Solitaire is still included, although the Xbox version features three-dimensional rendering technology to make the cards look even more realistic. Hard drive manufacturers are deeply disturbed over the news. Explained one PR flack at Eastern Analog, "We depend on Microsoft to continually produce bloated software that becomes larger and larger with each passing day. We can't sell huge 100GB drives if Microsoft Windows only occupies a measly 8 gigs! The majority of people simply don't have enough porn and MP3s to fill up their current hard drives. They will never buy a new drive if Microsoft doesn't force them!" The Xbox is expected to go on sale "next month", although it's not entirely clear whether that means November 2001... or November 2002. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Sat Oct 13 21:51:45 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Sat, 13 Oct 2001 21:51:29 +0200 Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.182]:28395 "EHLO sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 13 Oct 2001 21:50:07 +0200 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-156.midwest.net [209.248.17.166]) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id MAA00711 for ; Sat, 13 Oct 2001 12:49:36 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <3BC88AC2.429A9AAF@ldd.net> Date: Sat, 13 Oct 2001 13:41:06 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Humorixia Offers Free Citizenship To The First 50,000 US Refugees Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Humorixia Offers Free Citizenship To The First 50,000 US Refugees Jon Splatz, Benevolent Dictator of Humorixia October 13, 2001 The geek paradise of Humorixia, that grand experiment in creating a new nation free from lawyers, needs your help. We have offered freedom. We have offered an island immune from the ravages of such acronyms as 'DMCA', 'UCITA', 'SSSCA', and 'FBI&PV'. We have offered everything that geeks have ever dreamed of. And yet, approximately zero US citizens have relocated to Humorixia. Our population is still exactly three -- myself, along with the Benevolent Vice Dictator and the Meta-Moderator Judge. We need more warm bodies. To this end, we have decided to offer political asylum, citizenship, and other perks for the first 50,000 refugees fleeing from the sinking ship that is the United States. Not only is the dreaded Lawyerclysm still imminent, but now the US is also rapidly spiraling towards another terrible calamity: the 'Childrenclysm' (a term I just made up). Elected leaders are suspending a greater and greater number of civil liberties all in the same of saving the children. Before long, freedoms will be suspended in the name of saving the college students. Or saving the middle-aged baby boomers. Or saving the elderly. The insanity must end! We need more people to relocate to Humorixia. We need enough warm bodies to transform Humorixia into a beacon for freedom, justice, and sanity instead of just another running gag featured on a lame humor website. Just look at some of the advantages of joining Humorixia: * Immunity from terrorism. Humorixia has established diplomatic relations with precisely zero other nations. Likewise, zero other nations formally recognize us. This is a good thing! Since no foreign government or foreign terrorist organization even knows we exist, we will never become a target. The bad guys can't launch an attack against an enemy they've never heard of! * Free land. While Humorixia is a very tiny island in the South Pacific, we still have enough space to give small parcels of land to the first 50,000 immigrants. We are currently in the process of bulldozing the Mt. Coredump volcano into the ocean to make the island larger. * Free goodies. The first boatload of refugees to arrive at the capital city of Minasra (Minasra Is Not A Self-Referential Acronym) will receive free T-shirts that say "Only idiots sacrifice freedom to save freedom". These first citizens will also receive a framed copy of the Humorixia General Social License autographed by me. * No lawyers. Enough said. * And no lobbyists, too! * No nanny state laws. If you want to ride your motorcycle on Humorixia's only highway without a helmet, we won't stop you. Of course, if you crash and splatter your grey matter on the pavement, your next of kin won't be able to file any billion-dollar wrongful-death lawsuits. * A government with a very simple philosophy: No civil liberties shall be infringed without a damn good reason. And that reason better not include the phrases "It's for the children!" or "Because it's bad for you!" or "So we can fight criminals!" In short, it's a government _for_ geeks _by_ geeks. The geek paradise of Humorixia awaits. We have rolled out the welcome wagon. The only question is: will you join us in the epic struggle against the Lawyerclysm and the Childrenclysm? For more information, contact: Benevolent Dictator Jon Splatz 42 Linus Torvalds Blvd. Minasra, HUMORIXIA jonsplatz@i-want-a-website.com - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Fri Oct 19 04:14:26 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Fri, 19 Oct 2001 04:14:08 +0200 Received: from [IPv6:::ffff:202.101.172.2] ([IPv6:::ffff:202.101.172.2]:18402 "HELO mail.hz.zj.cn") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with SMTP id ; Fri, 19 Oct 2001 04:13:44 +0200 Received: from yvonne([61.174.130.177]) by mail.hz.zj.cn(JetMail 2.5.3.0) with SMTP id jm393bcff2e0; Fri, 19 Oct 2001 02:06:21 -0000 Message-ID: <000801c15843$f3e663e0$290aa8c0@yvonne> From: "zcinil" To: Subject: [humorix] Fire fighting Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 10:15:26 +0800 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_0005_01C15886.F8EF9F80" X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 5.00.2615.200 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2615.200 Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_0005_01C15886.F8EF9F80 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="gb2312" Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64 IA0KRGVhciBTaXJzOg0KDQpXZSB1c2VkIHRvIGJlIFpoZWppYW5nIENoZW1pY2FsIEluZHVzdHJ5 IFJlc2VhcmNoIEluc3RpdHV0ZSwgZnJvbSAxOTk4LCB3ZSBjaGFuZ2Ugb3VyIG5hbWU6IFpoZWpp YW5nIENoZW0tVGVjaCBHcm91cCBDby4sIEx0ZCwgTm93IHdlIGFyZSBaaGVqaWFuZyBMYW50aWFu ICBFbnZpcm9ubWVudGFsIFByb3RlY3Rpb24gSGktVGVjaCBDby4sIEx0ZC4NCg0KV2UgYXJlIGEg bWFudWZhY3R1cmVyIG9mIEhhbG9uIGFuZCBpdHMgc3Vic3RpdHV0ZXMgc3Vic3RpdHV0ZSBvZiBj aGxvcmluIKhDZmx1b3JpbmUgaHlkcm9jYXJib24sIGZsdW9yaW4gcGFpbnRzIGFuZCByZXNpbnMu IE91ciBwcm9kdWN0cyBkaXZpZGVkIGludG8gOiBmaXJlIGV4dGluZ3Vpc2hpbmcgYWdlbnQsIGFu ZCBjb29saW5nIGFnZW50LCBhbmQgZm9hbWluZyBhZ2VudC4gDQoNCkZpcmUgZXh0aW5ndWlzaGlu ZyBhZ2VudDogSGFsb24gMTMwMSwxMjExLEhGQy0yMjdlYSwgSEZDLTIzNmZhLCBIRkMtMjMsIEhD RkMtQkxFTkQgQS4gDQoNCkNvb2xpbmcgYWdlbnQ6IEhDRkMtMTIzLCBIRkMtMTQzYSwgSEZDLTMy LCBIQ0ZDMTI0LEhGQzEyNS4gUjYwMGEsSEZDLTE1MmEuIA0KDQpGb2FtaW5nIGFnZW50OiBIQ0ZD LTE0MWIsIGhmYy0yNDVmYSwgUi0xMjQsIEhGQy0xNDJiDQoNCkNsZWFuaW5nIGFnZW50OiBIQ0ZD LTEyMywgSEZDLTE0MmIsSEZDLTE0MWINCg0KQW55IG1vcmUgaW5mb3JtYXRpb24sIHlvdSBjYW4g dmlzaXQgb3VyIHdlYiBzaXRlOiB3d3cuZmx0Y28uY29tDQoNClRlbDogICAgIDAwODYtNTcxLTg3 ODA2NDQ0DQoNCkZheDogICAgMDA4Ni01NzEtODc4MzA4MTgNCg0KTXkgbmFtZSBpcyBZdm9ubmUg WWFuLg0KDQo= ------=_NextPart_000_0005_01C15886.F8EF9F80 Content-Type: text/html; 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Wed, 24 Oct 2001 04:05:05 +0200 Received: from capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.180]:29635 "EHLO capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 24 Oct 2001 04:04:39 +0200 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-198.midwest.net [209.248.17.208]) by capitol.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id TAA08905 for ; Tue, 23 Oct 2001 19:04:06 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <3BD621FA.A728A495@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 21:05:46 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Promotes XBox But Not Microsoft Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Microsoft Promotes XBox But Not Microsoft Fake News (or is it?) ~ October 23, 2001 Microsoft is Microsoft's own worst enemy. That's the strategy behind the Microsoft Marketing & Brainwashing Department's new promotional campaign for the XBox. Advertisements and demo kiosks for the console feature the words "XBox" in large letters but leave out one little detail... the Microsoft logo. "Microsoft doesn't want the average consumer to know that the XBox is produced by Microsoft," explained one industry observer who doesn't want the general public to know that he works for Ziff-Davis. "Who would want a gaming console produced by a company synonymous with shoddy crash-prone crap?" The promotional campaign can be seen in action at Nacho Hell restaurants. Customers who buy Refried Recooked Bean Burritos receive free game pieces for a chance to win an Xbox. These game pieces, however, don't mention the negative word "Microsoft" except in Flyspeck-minus-one font on the back. It should also come as no surprise that Microsoft doesn't want the public to know that the Xbox is built upon a modified version of the Windows 2000 kernel. "Can you just imagine Ford advertising that its trucks are built on Firestone tires?" asked the pundit. "The same principle applies here. What's the point of buying an Xbox if it will crash the same as a PC? As P. T. Barnum pointed out, you can fool all of the people several times (DOS, Windows 3.1, Windows 95, Windows ME) but eventually they're not going to take it anymore." So far, the Microsoft promotional strategy seems to be working beautifully. This Humorix reporter overheard a conversation at Nacho Hell that went something like this: Luser #1: Wow, I want one of these Sony Xboxes! Luser #2: No, you idiot, the Xbox is produced by Xerox! Luser #3: I don't think so. See this website address? It's www.xbox.com. That means it's produced by the Xbox Corporation. Luser #4: Shut up! The damn thing is made by Microsoft [Rest of group bursts into laughter.] Luser #2: You've got to be kidding! The only thing Microsoft knows about gaming is Solitaire. Luser #3: Yeah, and is it going to crash every three minutes? The Blue Screen Of Death isn't a very fun game. Luser #1: There's no way Microsoft can produce a gaming console like this. You lie! It's made by Sony, I tell you! Okay, so maybe I just made up that conversation to fill up space. The point still remains valid. The typical consumer will treat a Microsoft logo as a warning label. But if they think the Xbox is produced by another company, then Microsoft can't possibly fail. ...For a couple weeks, anyway. I sure wouldn't want to be the Microsoft tech support weenie fielding calls from thousands of irate users demanding to know why their "Flight Simulator: Terrorist Edition" game was suddenly interrupted by some strange blue screen with the words "Fatal Exception Error". - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Mon Oct 29 05:53:49 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Mon, 29 Oct 2001 05:53:37 +0100 Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([IPv6:::ffff:207.217.120.182]:50818 "EHLO sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 29 Oct 2001 05:52:55 +0100 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-18.midwest.net [209.248.17.28]) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id UAA26293 for ; Sun, 28 Oct 2001 20:52:13 -0800 (PST) Message-ID: <3BDCEDEA.3B4DBF84@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 28 Oct 2001 23:49:30 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] We Don't Want To eXPerience Windows Again Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Original-Recipient: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- We Don't Want To eXPerience Windows Again October 28, 2001 Yes, we did the unthinkable. We installed a copy of Windows XP on a machine here at Humorix World Headquarters. After watching all of the hype and hyperbole of the Windows XP launch (including Bill Gates or his clones appearing on such TV shows as "Regis And Somebody Else Live" and "The SeeBS Evening News & Advertisements With Dan Blather"), we figured that we should at least try out the latest Windows downgrade in an attempt to "know thy enemy". It won't happen again. At first the staff at the Humorix Vast Research Labs(tm) refused to even contemplate the idea of allowing a Microsoft product to enter the premises. However, after threatening to cut off their caffeine and beer supply, they quickly compromised. They would install Windows XP on a spare computer, but only if the room was quarantined and they were allowed to wear hazmat suits while touching the XP installation CD and the keyboard of the "infected" computer. Once they were finished reviewing XP, the computer would be burned and the ashes sent to a toxic waste dump. Obviously, you can't be too careful these days. Of course, we still needed to obtain a copy of Windows XP. We thought about grabbing a pirated copy, but we've already eXPerienced one attack from the Intellectual Property Police and their fleet of unmarked black helicopters. We didn't want to go through that again. After much shouting, it was agreed that the lab technicians would draw straws to decide which one would go down to CompUSSR and purchase a sealed copy of Windows XP. The unlucky lab worker -- after receiving a handsome check for hazardous duty pay -- was dispatched to complete the dangerous assignment. Since the box's shrinkwrap remained intact during the journey back to Humorix World Headquarters, we don't think any cross-contamination occured. Again, you simply can't be too careful these days. The unlucky lab technician then entered into the quarantined room and proceeded to break the shrinkwrap on the dangerous Windows XP box. During the next six hours, while everybody else waited outside in safety and watched the unfolding drama on closed-circuit TV, the technician installed Windows, re-installed it three more times because of problems, and then finally reviewed the new operating system. Upon completion of the mission, the hapless computer was destroyed and sent to silicon heaven. Unfortunately, the next day the technician became ill with "flu-like symptoms". Because his hazmat suit was never breached during the whole ordeal, we can be confident that his sickness is merely psychosomatic. Nevertheless, he has been given a prescription of Cipril for the next 60 days. You just can't be too careful these days. Below is the report that the technician submitted: -------------------- REVIEW OF WINDOWS XP by Mr. Ginne E. Pigg, Humorix Lab Technician Before I begin, I must protest this assignment. I joined Humorix thinking that I would have access to state-of- the-art Linux boxes along with other goodies that the Humorix Research Labs(tm) has stolen from the future. If I had known that I would be installing Windows boxes all day, I would have went ahead and sold my soul to Bill Gates and made about 100 times more money working at Microsoft. Blasphemy, I know, but I'm pissed off. Okay, so here's the deal. The installation wasn't as bad as I first expected. It only crashed twice and I only had to re-install three times. That's a pretty good track record for a Microsoft product. In addition, the registration procedure was simple: I only needed to type in a 512-character key and then submit my social security number, credit card number, shoe size, occupation, and address. It wasn't nearly as painful as it could have been. After completing the installation process in about two hours (a new record, I'm sure), I was greeted with a "Dancing Start Menu" that said "Click Start To Begin". I spent an hour figuring out how to shut up the darn thing when I discovered the following entry buried within the 52-megabyte Registry: H_KEY_XP: H_BILL_GATES_RULES: KEY_UNDOCUMENTED: KEY_HIDDEN_FEATURES: KEY_ANNOYANCES: SHUT_OFF_STUPID_ANIMATIONS = false However, setting this key to "true" didn't seem to do anything. After some digging, I realized that Windows XP maintains two Registries: the _real one_ and the one the luser sees. Accountants cook their books, Windows cooks its Registry. I did some snooping with a hex editor and uncovered some disturbing keys hidden within the real Registry. For instance, "KEY_PERSONAL_INFO" contains such entries as "LIST_OF_NON_MICROSOFT_SOFTWARE_INSTALLED", "BANK_ACCOUNT_NUMBERS", "NUMBER_OF_ANTI-MICROSOFT_SITES_VISITED_ONLINE", "ESTIMATED_NET_WORTH", "MICROSOFT_BRAINWASHING_FACTOR", "PGP_KEY", and most troubling, "TIME_REMAINING_UNTIL_NEXT_PHONE_HOME". It seems clear that Windows XP maintains a large database of sensitive information on each user and then phones home periodically. Of course, we shouldn't jump to conclusions. These keys might mean something entirely different or could be a joke by some bored Microserf. The whole "NSA_KEY" brouhaha turned out to be nothing, and so could this. Yeah, right. The double-Registry isn't the only disturbing new feature. According to a recent CNN article, Windows XP allows users to delete files from the hard drive. This statement might seem 100% obvious, but in reality it's 100% false. Windows doesn't delete files, it only pretends to. When you empty the "Recycle Bin", everything goes to the hidden "Meta-Recycle Bin". I would consider this a bug, but Microsoft's marketing department spins this as a "feature" that "prevents users from accidentally deleting an important document or misplacing one of the 10,521 DLL files necessary for Windows XP to function properly." Of course, the conspiracy theorists will have a field day with this new "feature". The FBI&PV will undoubtedly love the ability to recover ancient incriminating documents from an XP hard drive that the user mistakenly thought he had deleted years before. And let's not forget about hard drive manufacturers. Users will have to add new hard drives just so they can store all of the crap they've deleted (and then after adding a new piece of hardware they will have to re-register their copy of XP). However, it seems clear that the real motivation behind the Meta-Recycle Bin is simple: to prevent Linux from being installed. XP purposefully scatters the "deleted" files all over the hard drive. This makes it impossible to re-partition the hard drive for a dual-boot setup without first completely wiping Windows XP and everything else. Meanwhile, the limited amount of free space available will preclude many users from installing Linux distros that run on top of Windows. The conspiracy theorists will also have a field day with another "feature" that requires users to purchase expensive software to play high-bitrate MP3s. I have a feeling that BEHTGs (Big Evil Hollywood Trade Groups) have a hand in this. Microsoft's marketing weasals spin this "feature" as a good thing because it protects the user from the negative consequences of downloading pirated content. The FAQ included with online help (definitely an oxymoron) answers the question "Why the hell can't I play MP3s?" with "The RIAA has threatened to launch denial of service attacks against computers containing pirated material. By discouraging the use of pirated MP3s, Windows XP is looking out for your best interests." The FAQ's next question, "But what if I have MP3s that I've obtained legally?", is answered with, "There's no such thing. Legitimate music is only stored in WMP (Windows Monopoly Player) format. So there." I suppose it doesn't matter anyway because I couldn't figure out how to un-mute the sound. I tried everything to increase the volume but without success. The only thing that came close was Start -> Control Panel -> Multimedia -> All Hail Bill Gates -> Sound/Music -> Settings -> Just Say No To MP3s -> Controls -> Volume -> [Error: Shortcut Not Found] At this point I had spent six hours trapped inside my hazmat suit sitting in front of an infected computer. I couldn't take it much longer. I decided to try out one more thing before chucking the doomed computer to the fire. That's right, I wanted to eXPerience the most popular portion of Windows since version 1.0: Solitaire. I quickly discovered that XP Solitaire was different from previous versions. First, it featured an online "two-player" mode allowing you to play Solitaire against other lusers connected to MSN. The most striking difference, however, was that it seemed rigged. I played 16 hands and never once saw an ace. Windows, it appears, doesn't want you to win. So there you have it. Except for a few minor changes -- no deleting, no MP3s, no privacy, no winning -- Windows XP is a carbon copy of Windows ME, which is a carbon copy of Windows 98, which is a carbon copy of Windows 95, which is a carbon copy of Mac OS. In case you're wondering, XP still crashes. And it still sucks. Given the choice between exposure to Anthrax and exposure to Windows XP, I'd prefer Anthrax any day. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/