auth d971c6bb subscribe humorix gvandenb@netonecom.net<= /DIV> ------=_NextPart_000_0043_01C12A39.78484830-- - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Wed Aug 22 06:22:52 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Wed, 22 Aug 2001 06:22:41 +0200 Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.179]:46258 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 22 Aug 2001 06:22:24 +0200 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-157.midwest.net [209.248.17.167]) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id VAA17867 for ; Tue, 21 Aug 2001 21:22:11 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <3B83334D.1C6046FE@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001 23:21:33 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Update: Windows XP Is Good For The Economy Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Update: Windows XP Is Good For The Economy August 21, 2001 Last week, the Blartner Group reported that the release of Windows XP could spell disaster for the world economy[1]. After receiving a large "stipend" from Microsoft, the Blartner Group has retracted that report and issued a replacement study entitled "The release of Windows XP will create thousands of new jobs". This new study argues that future Microsoft products will spur new job openings throughout the world, including everything from "License Managers" to "Server Babysitters" to "Bluescreen Boys"[2]. "People have always worried that computers would take over and eliminate jobs," said a reformed Ted Blartner. "Yeah, right. Thanks to Microsoft, new career opportunities are becoming reality every day." Blartner predicts that major companies will need to hire full-time "License Managers" to keep track of every Windows license and Certificate of Authenticity the company has ever acquired. Blartner argues, "Microsoft's piracy police will start making surprise inspections at large companies to check for compliance. To prepare for these 'compliance visits' will require thousands of man-hours of filling out and organizing paperwork." He added, "...Microsoft will probably start requiring companies to submit retinal scans, social-security numbers, and home addresses of each and every employee who has ever touched a Windows box. This information, of course, will be used by the Microsoft piracy police to make a surprise inspection of the employee's home to verify that they haven't smuggled out any Microsoft CDs over the weekend 'for testing purposes'." "All of this will be spelled out in the End-User License Agreements for Windows XP and other Microsoft innovations," he pointed out. "But who wants to read a 523 page document written in Flyspeck-3?" Meanwhile, companies who install Windows on the back-end will need to hire "Server Babysitters" (also known as MCSEs). These people hover around Windows servers and reboot them at the first sign of trouble (i.e., every other hour). Server Babysitters have cell phones, beepers, laptops with Internet access, satellite phones, CB radios, two-cans-tied-to-a-string[3], telegraphs, and other forms of communication so that other employees can contact them whenever a Microsoft product crashes for the millionth time. "Microsoft products are just like little kids," said another Blartner Group researcher. "They require constant monitoring and attention. A cranky kid might destroy the boss's favorite Ming vase... but a cranky Windows server might destroy the boss's PowerPoint presentation he's supposed to give in 3.2 minutes to a bunch of venture capitalists wanting to invest billions. A baby requires new diapers to be installed all of the time... but a Windows box requires new security patches to be installed all of the time. The similarities are striking." He added, "...And just as immature kids need babysitters, immature operating systems need babysitters. That provides job opportunities for thousands of computer science graduates who got pushed through college even though they can't tell a C program from a DOS batch file. Thank you, Microsoft!" According to the revised Blartner Group study, the release of Windows XP will create at least 5,000 new jobs through the tech sector. We here at Humorix would tend to agree... somewhat. We also expect the impending release of Windows XP to produce 5,000 new jobs. But they will be filled by Linux system administrators hired by companies desperately trying to flee the sinking ship known as Microsoft. Or something like that. [1] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/aug01/economy.shtml [2] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/sep00/no-windows.shtml [3] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/oct98/port-cans.shtml - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Thu Aug 23 07:10:50 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Thu, 23 Aug 2001 07:10:36 +0200 Received: from epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.181]:54917 "EHLO epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Thu, 23 Aug 2001 07:10:14 +0200 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-1.midwest.net [209.248.17.11]) by epic.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id WAA19127 for ; Wed, 22 Aug 2001 22:10:04 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <3B849067.4D42FC42@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 00:11:03 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Open Source Projects Sell Naming Rights Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Open Source Projects Sell Naming Rights August 22, 2001 Need money quick to finance your open source project? Don't bother with banner ads, or T-shirts, or virtual donation boxes. Just sell the naming rights to your software project on eBay. "If you look at Freshmeat, most projects have a really stupid name like 'Nonsense', 'Mono', 'fetchmail', or 'GIMP'," exclaimed Raymond S. Eric. "Why not sell your project's name to the highest bidder? It will still have a stupid name, but at least you'll get some scratch for it." RSE added, "I keep telling people it's possible to make money from open source. Well, here you go!" One plucky open-source programmer auctioned the naming rights to his Java Virtual Machine project on eBay. He received $1,210.24 in exchange for changing the name to 'starbucks'. The programmer said, "Hey, if parents can sell the naming rights of their children to the highest corporate bidder, then why not auction off open-source names? The company gets free advertising throughout the Linux community, and I get beer money. It's a win-win situation." Project titles aren't the only thing up for grabs. In a desperate attempt to stay in the black, Red Hat has announced that certain programs bundled with the distro will have their names changed in exchange for cash. For example, 'grep' will become 'google', 'mail' will become 'fedex', and 'ispell' will become 'webster'. Red Hat also hopes that companies will sponsor certain features within the operating system. For example, when the kernel boots, the fsck program might announce, "fsck version 1.2.3 sponsored by Western Digital Hard Drivers". Or the 'mv' command might say, "That mv operation was brought to you by North-Northeast Airlines... mving you through the friendly skies for over 4 years." Man pages, FAQs, and HOWTOs might include shameless promotions, such as, "Getting-Netscape-To-Run-Without-Crashing Not-So-Mini-HOWTO... Sponsored by Opera." While the new Red Hat policy has sparked some controversy, particularly among Slashdot's resident class of armchair naysayers, a spokesperson was quick to point out that the company has set strict limits on what it will and won't sell to the highest bidder. "We're not going to try to change the name of the kernel. It won't be called 'Lennox'[1]. Or 'Linux Sponsored By Lennox'. And we definitely won't call it 'GNU/Linux'." RHAT stock was up $0.000001 in light trading at the closing bell today. [1] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/nov98/lenox.shtml - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Fri Aug 24 06:40:17 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Fri, 24 Aug 2001 06:40:08 +0200 Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.182]:41090 "EHLO sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 24 Aug 2001 06:39:41 +0200 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-72.midwest.net [209.248.17.82]) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id VAA02898 for ; Thu, 23 Aug 2001 21:39:10 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <3B85D91A.1516A3FB@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 23:33:30 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Finally, A Solution To The DMCA! Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Finally, A Solution To The DMCA! August 23, 2001 For years, the geek community has been at the wrong end of the War on Piracy waged by Hollywood lawyers. The situation could change, however, with the unveiling of a secret weapon -- "The First Church Of Digital Grepping". This newly created church argues that copying digital information is a form of religious worship. As such, it's protected in the US by the freedom of religion clause in the First Amendment. "Rock beats scissors. And Free Exercise of Religion beats Digital Millennium Copyright Act(tm). Ha ha, suckers!" said the church's High Priest. Chapter 16, Verse 256 of the Sacred Readme of the First Church Of Digital Grepping states: On the first day, the Great Programmer created a new text file and the Universe was born. The Great Programmer flexed his fingers, started hacking, and entered Deep Hack Mode. First He wrote universe.c. Then sys/laws_of_physics.h and universal_constants.h. The Great Programmer continued his Hacking Binge into the second day with sol.c, which begat terra.c, which begat land_and_sea.c, which laid the foundation for the creation of life.c. On the third day, He gazed upon his Program and saw that it was good. More he produced: prokaryotes.c, eukaryotes.c, sys/dna.h, invertebrates.c, vertebrates.c. On the fourth day, the Great Programmer, against his better judgement, coded mankind.c. On the fifth day, He compiled his work, and received 1,024 errors. On the sixth day, He debugged. On the seventh day, He continued to debug. Rest is for the weak. On the eight day, the debugging continued. Only 128 compiler warnings did He now receive. On the ninth day, the program compiled correctly. Upon execution, it immediately coredumped. On the tenth day, The Great Programmer debugged. On the eleventh day, He debugged. On the twelfth day, He waved a dead chicken, but the Great Program continued to segfault. On the thirteenth day, He discovered the fatal flaw, a misplaced comma He did find. And then void main() executed, and the Big Bang did occur. Then the Great Programmer leaned back in his executive chair, and gazed upon the newborn Universe. And frowned. He knew those sentient humans would be a problem. Even after He had sweated over a hot terminal for thirteen days, those humans were ungrateful. They called their place of existence the "Universe", not the "Great Programmer/Universe". On the fourteenth day, he decided to take action. He would send these humans The Meaning Of Life, and soon the world would worship Him and his Hacking Skills. He did just that. He inspired a certain human to produce a work of art which includes His message, The Meaning Of Life. Eventually the humans would discover the .plan of the Great Programmer hidden in a certain work of art and all would be well... The Sacred Readme is a tad vague, but the church's High Priest believes that "The Meaning Of Life" is encoded in either a popular song, or a Hollywood movie, or an Adobe e-book. "If only we could figure out which 'work of art' the Sacred Readme refers to, and then grep through the binary representation to extract the divine message," the High Priest explains. The mission of the church is to make digital copies of every music CD, every movie DVD, and every printed book and then grep the digital version for any tell-tale signs of 'The Meaning Of Life'." "Our church cannot function if the DMCA prohibits us from making copies as part of the Fair Use Doctrine. We worship the Great Programmer by trying to discover His secret message. Why should we put the profits of Big Evil Corporations above the search for The Meaning Of Life?" Of course, the MPAA, RIAA, DVD-CCA, BSA, and other groups see things slightly differently. "This is all bull," said a MPAA spokesperson. "We didn't buy a slate of Congressmen to get the DMCA passed just so some fake parody religion could claim a bogus exemption!" An investigator for Oracle discovered a hand-written copy of the Sacred Readme while rummaging through the High Priest's trash cans. The P.I. believes that the holy document was actually written last Wednesday when the High Priest had a little too much to drink. The founder of the church stands his ground, however. "I wasn't drunk last Wednesday," he argues, "I was busy trying to find the divine message within a copy of 'Star Trek XXIII: We Promise This Movie Doesn't Include Any Annoying Characters Like Jar Jar Binks' on my big-screen projection TV. Needless to say, I came up empty." The judges in the California Sixth District Court of Appeals were all unavailable for comment at press time. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Sat Aug 25 06:41:55 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Sat, 25 Aug 2001 06:41:46 +0200 Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.179]:64495 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 25 Aug 2001 06:41:19 +0200 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-120.midwest.net [209.248.17.130]) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id VAA15903 for ; Fri, 24 Aug 2001 21:40:55 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <3B872CE1.A47D12E3@ldd.net> Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 23:43:13 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Crashback: Truth, Stranger, Fiction Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Crashback: Truth, Stranger, Fiction August 24, 2001 It's time yet again to get on our hands and knees and beg for forgiveness. While we have established strict rules and guidelines to prevent our fake news stories from becoming true, our efforts have proven unsuccessful. We would like to apologize for the confusion between our _real_ fake news articles and our _fake_ fake news articles. * Won't somebody please think of the adults? In May, we "reported" that Bill Gates was in desperate need for money to ride out the dotcom recession and fight the Department of Justice[1]. Earlier, in June 2000, we ran a story on a group of clueless geeks trying to raise money to "save" Microsoft[2]. Okay, we admit it. We messed up. These stories have become true. Michael Moore has spearheaded a mission to raise charitable contributions for Microsoft[3]. The objective of the program is: To help Bill Gates recoup the massive amount of money he loses whenever small charities make copies of his already-purchased, outdated software while trying to assist desperately poor children. We here at Humorix feel this cause deserves our whole-hearted support. The staff of Humorix has pledged a grand total of US$1e-26 towards this worthy charity. * Carnivore develops a taste for wireless messaging We've received word that everybody's favorite privacy-invading scheme (no, we're talking about Carnivore, not Microsoft Passport) may now have the capability to scan wireless text messages sent via cellphones[4]. Regular readers of Humorix -- all four of you -- should have seen this coming. Earlier this year we "reported" that Carnivore had been upgraded to scan wireless messages sent via the "Carrier Pigeon Internet Protocol"[5]. Sorry about that. * Do-It-Yourself ISP Robert X. Cringely published an article today that provides instructions on building your own DSL line while bypassing exorbitant telco fees[6]. We've been way ahead of you, Bob. In 1998, we "reported" on building a do-it-yourself network with two-cans-and-a-string while bypassing the telco completely[7]. As far as we can tell, two-cans-and-a-string technology has not found its way on to the radar screen of the FBI. Let's just hope they don't start scanning Dinty Moore networks with Carnivore. * We still have some journalistic integrity You might be thinking to yourself, "Self, this Humorix site is full of false advertising! They keep claiming their articles are 'fake news' when in reality they are reality!" Don't panic. The vast majority of Humorix articles will forever remain fake news. Don't let a few bad apples spoil everything. For instance: - The story "Rob Malda Buys Mir Space Station"[8] is definitely untrue. Since Mir has been destroyed, we don't expect that Taco Boy will ever own it... well, unless he decides to go scuba diving in the Pacific and start collecting the wreckage. (But since Taco Boy has never been spotted more than 1.2 feet away from a computer indoors, that simply isn't going to happen.) - We can be quite certain that the article "On Topic Usenet Newsgroup"[9] is false. The concept of an "on topic newsgroup" is such an oxymoron that it boggles the mind that such a ludicrous thing could ever become reality. - Finally, the story "Did Al Gore Pass The Turing Test? The Results Are Still Coming In..."[10] is definitely false. Al Gore is _not_ a form of artificial intelligence. Why? Robots don't go on eating binges and start gaining weight after losing a competition. * References [1] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/may01/donations.shtml [2] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/jun00/save-microsoft.shtml [3] http://www.michaelmoore.com/missions/gates1/index.html [4] http://www.politechbot.com/p-02427.html [5] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/may01/carnivore.shtml [6] http://www.pbs.org/cringely/pulpit/pulpit20010823.html [7] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/oct98/port-cans.shtml [8] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/apr00/taco-mir.shtml [9] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/mar00/on-topic.shtml [10] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/nov00/turing-test.shtml - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Sun Aug 26 23:49:14 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Sun, 26 Aug 2001 23:48:59 +0200 Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.179]:48612 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 26 Aug 2001 23:48:49 +0200 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-97.midwest.net [209.248.17.107]) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id OAA27507 for ; Sun, 26 Aug 2001 14:48:39 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <3B896F37.55B25BE5@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 26 Aug 2001 16:50:47 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Take Your Proprietary File Format And Shove It! Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Take Your Proprietary File Format And Shove It! August 26, 2001 TRENTON, NEW JERSEY -- Last year, the Pointy Haired Bosses at Real-Time Tangents, Inc. decreed that all job applications and resumes must be submitted electronically in Microsoft Word 2000 format. Bad move. Ethan Fornwalt, a Linux zealot, has filed a lawsuit alleging that the company engages in discrimination by requiring prospective employees to own Microsoft Office. "This is an outrage," Fornwalt said in an interview. "I'm not going to buy some crappy software for several hundred dollars just to submit a resume. Besides, to run Office I have to either get a Mac (ugh) or get a PC running Windows (double ugh). This is definitely a form of discrimination against my choice of computing orientation. It's a violation of Federal law... at least, I hope it is." Ethan Fornwalt was originally unaware of the anti-Linux policy. "The RealTimeTangentsInc.com website contains so many Flash applets, proprietary plug-ins, and non-standard JavaScript and VBScipt kludges that it only works with IE 5.5 on Windows," he explained. "So I wasn't able to access the 'Job Openings' page which contains the instructions for sending a resume as a Word attachment." The President of Vice for Real-Time Tangents defends his company's Microsoft-only policy. "We simply don't have the resources to train our staff to open documents in other formats," he argued. When we asked why the company couldn't just accept plain ASCII text files and open them in Notepad, the veep looked at us blankly and asked, "What's that?" Even if Fornwalt wins his lawsuit, it wouldn't necessarily be a victory for the Linux community. One Linux company requires that all job applicants send their resumes as a webpage in XHTML 1.0 format -- and it must pass through a validator without any errors or warnings. Said one legal observer, "Some clueless luser who only uses Microsoft Frontpage might consider that a form of discrimination. Of course, why would a Windows weenie want a job with a Linux company? But on the other hand, why would a Linux zealot really want a job with a company that requires Word documents? Shouldn't that send up a red flag?" Mr. Fornwalt told us, strictly off the record, "Oh, I don't want to work for Real-Time Tangents, Inc. I just want to make an example of them. And if I pick up some cash in a large settlement, well... why not?" - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Mon Aug 27 02:49:22 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Mon, 27 Aug 2001 02:49:11 +0200 Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.179]:49137 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 27 Aug 2001 02:48:52 +0200 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-85.midwest.net [209.248.17.95]) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id RAA10615 for ; Sun, 26 Aug 2001 17:48:47 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <3B899940.85DFC8AA@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 26 Aug 2001 19:50:09 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Lawyers Help Society (Really!) Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Lawyers Help Society (Really!) Noah Morals, Humorix's Official Legal Counsel August 26, 2001 I don't know why people hate lawyers so much. Just this last week one of my former clients said, "If I ever see you on the street, I'm not going to brake for you!" He actually made good on the promise. Thankfully I jumped out of the way in time and escaped with only minor injuries -- but injuries serious enough to file a lawsuit over. Nevertheless, I still can't figure out why everybody wants to kill all the lawyers. We're not all bad. Sometimes we contribute to society. For instance, a group of attorneys has just invented a new protocol which will eliminate pop-up ads, IE-only websites, and viral software from the Internet. And they're _not_ going to patent the idea. So what do think about lawyers now, huh? Two legal groups, LIARS (Lawyers Initiating Altruistic Reforms in Society) and CONARTISTS (Congress Of Notable Attorneys Reforming Trade, Industry & Science Throughout Society) have teamed up to produce the MOOLA (Massive Override Of License Agreements) Protocol. Right now, when you (the supplicant) visit a typical corporate website, you automatically agree to a license agreement written in microscopic font that is buried on a hidden sub-sub-sub-page. These licenses, which are never written in English, contain convoluted provisions designed to extract every last ounce of money out of your wallet. MOOLA is the exact opposite. Under this scheme, the corporation (supplicant) must accept the license agreements written by its users. If not, the users will take their eyeballs and credit cards elsewhere. A MOOLA-compliant browser sends an "X-License-Agreement" header with each HTTP request. The header might contain text like: By responding to this HTTP request you agree to abide by all of the following terms and conditions. If you decline to accept these terms, then you must ignore this HTTP request. TERMS AND CONDITIONS: (1) You hereby agree to only return valid HTML code that conforms to 3.2, 4.0/Transitional, and/or XHTML 1.0 standards. Such code shall not contain proprietary extensions or plug-ins unless a fully functional alternative is made available. (2) You hereby agree to refrain from including pop-up, pop-under, or pop-in-between advertisements of any sort. The HTML page that you return shall not launch another without user intervention. (3) You agree to delete all personal information collected as a result of this request. You are, however, required to keep a permanent record of accepting this license agreement. (4) You agree to fully disclose all of the functionality of any software program available for downloading from your site. Such software may not contain features or subprograms that operate without the explicit knowledge of the user. Moreover, all programs shall have a simple uninstall procedure that completely wipes away all traces of the software. (5) You grant the user a non-exclusive right to (a) freely link to any page within your website, (b) publish excerpts of any content available within your website, and (c) use proxy or filtering software to alter the appearance of your website (i.e. to eliminate advertisements.) The CONARTISTS organization issued a press release which stated, "Now license agreements will work both ways. This empowers users... and, of course, it also empowers lawyers by giving them twice as many opportunites to file lawsuits." As you can see, these lawyer groups are fighting for the little guy. Attorneys are not always mouthpieces for large corporations. We care about everybody -- as long as there's something in it for us. LIARS has already contacted the Mozilla project about supporting the MOOLA protocol. They seemed supportive but wanted "more time to study the protocol to make sure it's not some kind of a scam." In other words, they don't trust lawyers. That's a shame. Nevertheless, you can still take advantage of the MOOLA protocol right now. Simply configure your browser to include an "X-License-Agreement" header and you're all set. It's a win-win situation. If the courts uphold such "header-wrap" licenses, then netizens will have a tool to beat corporations over the head with. If such licenses are deemed unenforceable, that means shrinkwrap and clickwrap licenses are also invalid -- another victory for netizens. Please hold your applause and compliments until later. So, the next time you feel a sudden urge to punch a lawyer in the face, please calm down. We've done something for you lately. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Mon Aug 27 19:52:05 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Mon, 27 Aug 2001 19:51:50 +0200 Received: from lx1.microbsys.com ([209.135.1.130]:29193 "EHLO lx1.microbsys.com") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 27 Aug 2001 19:51:28 +0200 Received: from localhost (rwerner@localhost) by lx1.microbsys.com (8.10.0/8.10.0) with ESMTP id f7RHk4Q14025; Mon, 27 Aug 2001 10:46:04 -0700 Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2001 10:46:04 -0700 (PDT) From: "Robert G. Werner" To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org cc: Humorix Mailing List Subject: Re: [humorix] Lawyers Help Society (Really!) In-Reply-To: <3B899940.85DFC8AA@ldd.net> Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- I have to say this is one of the first times that I've approved of anything a lawyer wrote, and that only after I had a chance to run several crypto analysis routines on the text to make sure there weren't any hidden "licenses". Go Noah. Robert G. Werner rwerner@lx1.microbsys.com It's not my fault ... I didn't vote for him. The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" On Sun, 26 Aug 2001, James Baughn wrote: [snip] > Lawyers Help Society (Really!) > Noah Morals, Humorix's Official Legal Counsel > August 26, 2001 > > I don't know why people hate lawyers so much. Just this [snip] - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Wed Aug 29 06:17:46 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Wed, 29 Aug 2001 06:17:40 +0200 Received: from fl-mta01.durocom.com ([216.53.195.242]:16079 "EHLO fl-mta01.durocom.com") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 29 Aug 2001 06:17:23 +0200 Received: from racingfever2001.com ([216.53.181.178]) by fl-mta01.durocom.com with ESMTP id <20010829041703.EQOG2569.fl-mta01@racingfever2001.com>; Wed, 29 Aug 2001 00:17:03 -0400 Received: from cpglte by racingfever2001.com (8.8.8/1.1.22.3/31Mar00-0122PM) id AAA0000023670; Wed, 29 Aug 2001 00:28:01 -0400 (EDT) Date: Wed, 29 Aug 2001 00:28:01 -0400 (EDT) From: Message-Id: <200108290428.AAA0000023670@racingfever2001.com> Subject: [humorix] Purchase your .Sex Domain Names today! lzm To: unlisted-recipients:; (no To-header on input) Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- The latest domain name extension has arrived .SEX!!! It's the fresh ,new, exciting web address that is taking the world by storm. Who wants to be .com when you can now be .SEX Register your .SEX domain name today exclusively at: http://www.dotsex.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------- To be taken off the mailing list please click below: http://195.178.213.33/unsubscribe.phtml - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Wed Aug 29 07:04:12 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Wed, 29 Aug 2001 07:03:58 +0200 Received: from atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.179]:15529 "EHLO atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 29 Aug 2001 07:03:35 +0200 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-35.midwest.net [209.248.17.45]) by atlantic.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id WAA16393 for ; Tue, 28 Aug 2001 22:03:12 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <3B8C7786.F0AA4088@ldd.net> Date: Wed, 29 Aug 2001 00:03:02 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit Saves The Day Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit Saves The Day Fake News ~ August 28, 2001 At Humorix, we don't like to post endorsements for commercial products (unless we get paid a boatload of money). But we're going to make an exception for the Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit, featured on this site three years ago[1]. Thanks to the Kit, Humorix narrowly averted disaster when one of the Slashdot editors actually found one of our stories funny. Hemos was just about to place a direct link to this website -- the equivalent of a death sentence for a webserver -- when the Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit entered into "RedAlert" mode and prevented the calamity. According to research conducted by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), nearly 5,000 servers have crashed as the result of the Slashdot Effect. At least 500 of these boxes were ultimately destroyed by the unrelenting fury they experienced at the hands of Taco Boy and his Mexican-food-eating comrades. "It's like being struck by lightning 10,000 times in a row," explained an anonymous member of the Slashdot Effect Victims Support Group at a meeting held earlier today. "Or it's like a massive tornado. The mobile homes (Windows 2000 servers) are the first to get creamed, but even the homes with steel reinforced walls (Linux servers) will eventually succumb to the maelstrom." The Support Group currently has 125 members, with more joining daily. Eric Herboven, the founder of the group, is planning a class-action lawsuit against Andover/OSDN/VA Linux/Whatever over the damages caused by the Slashdot Effect. "I've spent thousands of dollars in excess bandwidth fees," he said. "I've had servers explode on me. I've blown countless fuses. When will the insanity end?" Of course, much of the damage and heartache could be avoided by installing the Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit. Unfortunately, the program isn't open-source software, but at $49.95 a pop, it's still worth it. The program has received an award from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Computers[2]. "We need to stop the cruelty against servers," the PETC spokesperson said. "Installing Windows on a PC is wrong. And forcing a machine to endure the Slashdot Effect is even more wrong. When will the insanity end?" You can make the insanity end right now. Install the Kit before it's too late. The Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit is available for purchase from such fine retail outlets as... OH CRAP! Sensors indicate that the Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit website has just been hit with the Slashdot Effect! Oh the humanity! Okay, so maybe we spoke too soon. [1] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/mar99/prevention-kit.shtml [2] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/nov00/petc.shtml - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Thu Aug 30 06:24:21 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Thu, 30 Aug 2001 06:24:17 +0200 Received: from sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net ([207.217.120.182]:23681 "EHLO sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Thu, 30 Aug 2001 06:24:00 +0200 Received: from ldd.net (mocape01-11.midwest.net [209.248.17.21]) by sire.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EL-8_9_3_3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id VAA04226 for ; Wed, 29 Aug 2001 21:23:47 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <3B8DC05C.1CA76E82@ldd.net> Date: Wed, 29 Aug 2001 23:26:04 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Federal Agents Help Society (Really!) Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Federal Agents Help Society (Really!) Fake News ~ August 29, 2001 The FBI&PV (Federal Bureau of Investigation & Privacy Violations) is not exactly the most popular agency in the United States. Its tarnished reputation could quickly change, however, with the announcement that the bureau will start using its technology for good and not evil. That's right. The Privacy Invading Scheme Formerly Known As Carnivore And Now Known As The "It's For The Children Protocol" (IFTCP) will be used to track and apprehend members of one of the most vile criminals classes in the history of the world -- spammers. Using IFTCP, a Federal agent can locate the name, address, social security number, current GPS location, political affiliation, shoe size, and cola preference for a spammer within five minutes. Of course, it should be noted that the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has been doing this for years. Just today our spies were able to isolate the postal address of the bad guy who posted a spam message to the Humorix mailing list -- a crime we don't take lightly. For your convenience, the mailing address associated with the domain name mentioned in the spam message is posted below: 537 Newport Center Drive #195 Newport Beach, CA 92660 [Lawyer's Note: By posting this mailing address, we do _NOT_ in any way endorse or condone the sending of letter-bombs, cow dung, or 16-ton weights to this evil spammer. Thank you.] Needless to say, the FBI&PV's new anti-spam crusade isn't flying too well with unsolicited bulk email distributors. Argued one spammer anonymous (he sent his message via 52 different anonymizers), "There's no federal law against spamming! But there is a federal law against what the FBI&PV plans to do! It's called the DMCA." He explained, "If a Federal agent uses Carnivore to track a spam message and then makes a copy to keep as evidence without our permission, that's a violation of our copyright! Obviously Carnivore is an anti-circumvention device that's clearly illegal. Why aren't FBI&PV agents arresting other agents right now?" The spammers' legal defense probably won't matter in the end. President Dubya has ordered the new missile defense system modified so that incoming enemy missiles are not destroyed. Instead, they are deflected towards the GPS coordinates of a known spammer. "It's a win-win situation," explained an FBI&PV agent. "We protect national security while punishing spammers at the same time. What a deal! And it's all made possible by the It's For The Children Protocol." - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/