From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Tue May 8 06:03:06 2001 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Tue, 8 May 2001 06:01:35 +0200 Received: from bob.newdream.net ([216.246.18.32]:19216 "EHLO bob.newdream.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Tue, 8 May 2001 05:59:48 +0200 Received: (from nobody@localhost) by bob.newdream.net (8.9.3/8.9.3/Debian/GNU) id UAA11364; Mon, 7 May 2001 20:33:44 -0700 Date: Mon, 7 May 2001 20:33:44 -0700 Message-Id: <200105080333.UAA11364@bob.newdream.net> From: James Baughn To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Windows XP Eliminates Blue Screen Of Death! Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Windows XP Eliminates Blue Screen Of Death! Bernhard Rosenkraenzer, bero@redhat.de May 7, 2001 Last month, our Vast Spy Network(tm) reported that Microsoft had replaced the bluescreen in XP with the "Crash Wizard". Earlier today, the VSN snatched the latest build, only to discover that the Crash Wizard and Blue Screen of Death had both been completely eliminated. No, Microsoft didn't copy the Linux or *BSD kernel... they just replaced the BSOD with the TASOD(tm), or the Themable, Animated Screen of Death(tm). By default, when Windows XP crashes, it shows an animation demonstrating how to reboot the computer. "First," says the cartoon character of Bill Gates, "pull the power cord from the socket. Next, place the plug back in the socket. If you have difficulty locating your power outlet, please contact your system administrator at extension 6838." Windows XP comes bundled with CRAP(tm), the Central Repository of Animated Plug-ins, which includes over 1.5 gigabytes of animations that can be shown when a fatal exception occurs. One theme shows the Paperclip dancing around the screen while saying, "Hello, valued Windows XP user! I hope you are enjoying the Windows XP experience brought to you by Microsoft, the leader in software innovation. I regret to inform you that one of your software applications has crashed. Of course, this problem was caused by a non-Microsoft program, because Windows XP and all bundled applications have been certified Bug-Free(tm). Unfortunately, all of your data has been lost and you will need to reboot your machine. Also, while rebooting, please ignore the message which accuses you of being an total idiot for not properly shutting down Windows. Thank you for using Windows XP and have a nice reboot!" Another animated theme targeted at the "corporate environment" features the "Dancing Filing Cabinet" saying, "Your computer has crashed and will need to be rebooted. At this time let me remind you that destroying your computer in a fit of rage is against company policy and can result in termination. Please follow along as I demonstrate how to use your telephone to contact your system administrator at extension 6383." According to a leaked marketing kit, the "6383" telephone extension is a new "open standard" that will be promoted by Microsoft as an attempt to show that the company "plays well with others". (If your company violates this new standard because its phone system only supports three digit extensions, you may request a change for the "trivial processing fee" of just $1.3 million.) Windows XP also supports themes created by users. In light of this new feature, several stock analysts have given a "strong buy" recommendation to themes.org. "Most Windows users don't care about windows.themes.org because the Windows program they use most -- the bluescreen -- is not themable," droned one stock expert. "But with Windows XP, that will change, providing a valuable opportunity for themes.org to boost traffic and banner impressions by several orders of magnitude. This is a great time to buy!" ................................................................ This article brought to you by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm). - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Tue May 15 03:29:17 2001 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Tue, 15 May 2001 03:28:07 +0200 Received: from bob.newdream.net ([216.246.18.32]:12604 "EHLO bob.newdream.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Tue, 15 May 2001 03:26:49 +0200 Received: (from nobody@localhost) by bob.newdream.net (8.9.3/8.9.3/Debian/GNU) id RAA04994; Mon, 14 May 2001 17:50:03 -0700 Date: Mon, 14 May 2001 17:50:03 -0700 Message-Id: <200105150050.RAA04994@bob.newdream.net> From: James Baughn To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Cease and Desist Letter From A Parallel Universe Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Cease and Desist Letter From A Parallel Universe Dink Meeker, dinkmeeker2000@yahoo.com May 13, 2001 At Humorix, we've always dreamed of the day when all of the world's lawyers are rounded up and deported to some alternate dimension. Unfortunately, that day will never come. Lawyers already inhabit every single parallel universe, as demonstrated by the following e-mail our Vast Spy Network(tm) intercepted. --- Sincerely, Attorneys at Law Howe, Cheatam, and Dewey Our firm represents the citizens of the 42nd parallel universe, also called The Bizarro World. We are asking you to cease and desist from your research towards quantum computers that operate without power. Such computers operate on the principle that the computations being performed are occurring on computers in alternate worlds. Please note that under the QMCA, or Quantum Millennium Copyright Act[2], any computations performed in our reality become our own intellectual property in perpetuity throughout the multiverse. In response to your blatant acts of piracy that threaten our possible economic futures, the Yahoo-Organized Universal Commission Against New Technology (YOUCANT) has ruled that we may begin to collapse any superpositions exhibiting your reality's quantum signature, so, as our bizarro-hackers like to say, "All of your bases are under our control". If you continue to distribute content or eigenstates that may contain content on using quantum computers in this way, we will be forced to take additional legal action. To Whom It May Concern: --- [1] http://www.pubs.royalsoc.ac.uk/proc_maths/proc_maths.html [2] Just as quantum computers can theoretically perform calculations even when they're not on, the US Congress can pass legislation even when they're not in session. That's why we're stuck with the QMCA. ................................................................ Brought to you by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) -- plotting world domination for almost 3 years. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Fri May 25 01:52:35 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Fri, 25 May 2001 01:52:26 +0200 Received: from SMTP-OUT003.ONEMAIN.COM ([63.208.208.73]:32009 "HELO smtp05.mail.onemain.com") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with SMTP id ; Fri, 25 May 2001 01:52:13 +0200 Received: (qmail 388 invoked from network); 24 May 2001 23:51:50 -0000 Received: from mocape01-191.midwest.net (HELO ldd.net) ([209.248.17.201]) (envelope-sender ) by smtp05.mail.onemain.com (qmail-ldap-1.03) with SMTP for ; 24 May 2001 23:51:50 -0000 Message-ID: <3B0D9D6E.3627D58B@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 18:46:54 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] The Cathedral, the Bazaar and the Pyramid Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- The Cathedral, the Bazaar and the Pyramid Glenn Alexander, glenalec@ozemail.com.au May 24, 2001 Having had a long hard look at Microsoft, I feel that neither the Cathedral nor the Bazaar software development models are suitable to describe the process at Microsoft. I therefore propose a third category of software development: the Pyramid. Consider these similarities: - Pyramids were built by underpaid peasants. - A pyramid is just a huge pointy thing that sits there taking up space. As burial places go, the Egyptian Pyramids represent the first incidence of heavy bloatware. - The instructions for use are in hieroglyphics. - The Pyramid is a monument to self aggrandisement. - The Pharaohs who were in charge believed they were incarnations of gods. The similarities to Microsoft are too close to ignore. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Tue May 29 01:29:53 2001 Received: (root@humbolt.nl.linux.org) by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Tue, 29 May 2001 01:29:35 +0200 Received: from SMTP-OUT003.ONEMAIN.COM ([63.208.208.73]:62098 "HELO smtp04.mail.onemain.com") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with SMTP id ; Tue, 29 May 2001 01:29:29 +0200 Received: (qmail 9104 invoked from network); 28 May 2001 23:29:05 -0000 Received: from mocape01-32.midwest.net (HELO ldd.net) ([209.248.17.42]) (envelope-sender ) by smtp04.mail.onemain.com (qmail-ldap-1.03) with SMTP for ; 28 May 2001 23:29:05 -0000 Message-ID: <3B12C3A7.E4057E82@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 28 May 2001 16:31:19 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Bill Gates Sends Out Desperate Plea For Help Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Envelope-To: <"|/bin/marchive -a -m -f /home/majordomo/public_html/humorix/folders/humorix"> (uid 0) X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Bill Gates Sends Out Desperate Plea For Help May 28, 2001 REDMOND -- In a shocking development, Chief Bloatware Architect Bill Gates admitted today that Microsoft is in severe financial difficulty and desperately needs donations to stay afloat through the next month. "The dismal state of the economy, the lackluster sales of Windows ME, and the pending anti-trust lawsuit have placed significant financial stress on Microsoft," Gates said at a press conference. "We can't continue to develop and maintain our innovative solutions without financial contributions from users like you." The company spent the remaining $10,000 in its coffers to send out letters to registered Windows users pleading for donations. "For just pennies a day, you can help support the world's most innovative company in its quest to discover the cure for the Blue Screen of Death," the letter announces. "Or you can help fund research and development into improving the security of our products against such sinister forces as script kiddies, crackers, and Linux freaks." According to the letter, donors who give more than $20 will receive a free subscription to Microsoft Magazine. Those who give more than $100 will receive a limited edition "Clippit" plush doll. The reward for a $10,000 donation is your name engraved on a block of gold that will be used to pave One Microsoft Way. And finally, for those fools who donate more than $75,000, Microsoft will name a product after you. (Sorry, but "Bob" is already taken.) In the last month, Microsoft has already laid off half of its technical support staff. However, industry observers don't expect that to have much impact on customer relations. "Microsoft will still have the same lousy service and busy signals as usual even with a reduction in staff," said one pundit. The company has also asked MSN users to cut back on their hours online. "Please try to conserve the amount of time you spend online," said one Microsoft spokesperson who has worked the past two weeks without pay. "If you could refrain from downloading any large porn images for the next month, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your support." Bill Gates warned that if finances don't improve soon, the company will be forced to lay off even more people and to cease development on many software programs. Several buildings on the Microsoft campus would then be leased to Starbucks and Wal-Mart to raise some quick cash. "We can't go on like this," Gates pleaded. "Won't somebody please think of the children of Microsoft employees?" - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/