From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Sun Apr 1 19:38:44 2001 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Sun, 1 Apr 2001 19:37:30 +0200 Received: from bob.newdream.net ([216.246.18.32]:28486 "EHLO bob.newdream.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 1 Apr 2001 19:37:05 +0200 Received: (from nobody@localhost) by bob.newdream.net (8.9.3/8.9.3/Debian/GNU) id JAA15572; Sun, 1 Apr 2001 09:56:19 -0700 Date: Sun, 1 Apr 2001 09:56:19 -0700 Message-Id: <200104011656.JAA15572@bob.newdream.net> From: James Baughn To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Danish Linux Party: Coming To A Parliament Near You Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Danish Linux Party: Coming To A Parliament Near You April 1, 2001 Nick Sandru, ns@sandes.dk AFDERT Report For Immediate Release This morning the Sjælland Skåne Linux User Group (SSLUG), based in Copenhagen (Denmark) and Malmö (Sweden) has announced the creation of a new political party, the Linux Party (LP). The first aim for the new political organization is to participate in the coming legislative elections and to win Parliament mandates. Danish election laws require that a party has to collect at least 20,000 supporters' signatures in order to run for Parliament. SSLUG has over 6,000 members in Denmark and Sweden. The LP's political programme includes: - Political orientation: more socialist than the Social-Democrat Party and more liberal than the Liberal (Venstre) Party. - Public health: As people outside hospitals are healthier than those inside, the LP recommends that everybody stays home. LP also promotes fish consumption, particularly herring. - National bird: The LP will replace the swan with a penguin as the Danish national bird. The penguin is the symbol for both socialism, liberalism and freedom. - Taxes: LP will replace the present Danish tax system with donations and sponsorships. SSLUG has already achieved remarkable results with such a plan. - Financing of public works projects: Politicians who propose new projects must secure funding on their own. - Unemployment: Work should be voluntary. Unemployed people should be able to volunteer to help politicians collect funds for public works projects. This will improve relations among citizens and politicians since they will be standing side-by-side on the streets of Copenhagen pleading for money. - Immigration: The LP does not recognize borders, so that anybody will be allowed to move to Denmark. The immigrants will have to learn Danish as part of the integration program, by translating free software from Danish to their native language. - Defense: LP will replace the present compulsory military service with a volunteer Home Guard. The Danish international brigade will be financed by sponsorships and will be allowed to decide freely on every mission. For example, the brigade command might prefer to send its troops to London instead of Kosovo, as it is cheaper and most natives understand English. - Environment: As LP considers itself as a counterpart for the German Green Party, the environment has the highest priority. Openness is the keyword: businesses, for instance, will have to provide informations on the pollution they generate. Every food item must be traceable from production to consumption, by marking it with the URL of the producer's website. A cattle farmer's website must contain pictures of the cows and information on any diseases they may have. - Infrastructure: Broadband Internet connections for everyone! The LP also aims to reunite the Swedish Skåne province with the Danish island Sjælland, thus creating a new nation. Skåne was a part of Denmark until 350 years ago. For this purpose the LP has established a Skåne chapter based in Malmö. It hasn't been decided what the new nation will be called, although some have suggested that the letters L-I-N-U-X appear in it. ................................................................ This report has been brought to you by: April Fool's Day Emergency Response Team of the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Mon Apr 2 01:12:17 2001 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Mon, 2 Apr 2001 01:11:10 +0200 Received: from bob.newdream.net ([216.246.18.32]:6745 "EHLO bob.newdream.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 2 Apr 2001 01:10:36 +0200 Received: (from nobody@localhost) by bob.newdream.net (8.9.3/8.9.3/Debian/GNU) id PAA22485; Sun, 1 Apr 2001 15:37:58 -0700 Date: Sun, 1 Apr 2001 15:37:58 -0700 Message-Id: <200104012237.PAA22485@bob.newdream.net> From: James Baughn To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Does Linux Violate The Microsoft EULA? Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Does Linux Violate The Microsoft EULA? April 1, 2001 Over the years rumors have circulated throughout the Linux community that Microsoft has been using GPL'd code in their products. What many people don't realize is that similar rumors have been circulating throughout Microsoft's World Headquarters in Redmond that the Linux kernel has been using EULA'd code. In a press release issued just minutes ago, Microsoft publicly accused Linus Torvalds of "piracy" by using copyrighted code from Windows in the Linux kernel. "The Linux kernel is clearly in violation of the Microsoft End User License Agreement," stated the press release. "We cannot divulge the exact code that Linus Torvalds has stolen, but our stock holders can rest assured that we are working around the clock on rectifying this latest example of cyber piracy committed by Napster-loving freaks that embrace Communism." We contacted our mole within Microsoft, who sent the following response via secure channel (by pigeon): I'm afraid it's all true. EULA'd Microsoft code is actually used in the Linux kernel. Line 584 of solitaire.c for Windows 98 contains the line: return 0; This same code snippet is used extensively throughout the Linux kernel. As far as I know, no piece of GPL'd Linux code is used within Windows 95 or its derivatives. This should be obvious, though. If Windows was based on Linux code, then it wouldn't be nearly as unstable! Duh! Linus Torvalds and Richard M. Stallman were both unavailable for comment at press time. ................................................................ James Baughn - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Mon Apr 2 06:19:00 2001 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Mon, 2 Apr 2001 06:17:53 +0200 Received: from bob.newdream.net ([216.246.18.32]:55673 "EHLO bob.newdream.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Mon, 2 Apr 2001 06:17:29 +0200 Received: (from nobody@localhost) by bob.newdream.net (8.9.3/8.9.3/Debian/GNU) id UAA28085; Sun, 1 Apr 2001 20:34:49 -0700 Date: Sun, 1 Apr 2001 20:34:49 -0700 Message-Id: <200104020334.UAA28085@bob.newdream.net> From: James Baughn To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] April Fool's Day Cancelled Due To Lack Of Interest Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- April Fool's Day Cancelled Due To Lack Of Interest April 1, 2001 In a bizarre turn of events, not one single person on the entire planet was fooled by an April Fool's Day gag. The lack of quality gags, plus a severe bout of apathy experienced worldwide, has turned April Fool's Day into just another boring entry on the calendar. The staff of Humorix couldn't be happier. Our plans for abolishing April Fool's Day in favor of August Fool's Day are coming into fruition several years ahead of schedule. [Insert sinister laughter here.] This rescheduled holiday will give us several more months to procrastinate before we finally come up with our own Fool's Day gag. One of the funniest items our Vast Spy Network(tm) uncovered today wasn't even an April Fool's Day gag. Somebody over at Ziff-Davis made the startling discovery that Linux kernel 2.4 had been released, reporting the scoop a full negative three months ahead of everybody else[1]. This author then mentioned the "Torvolds Unix standard" and the "Riser FS". (And you thought Humorix lacked journalistic acumen!) Even Slashdot, that bastion of absurdity, failed to get into the April Fool's spirit. Taco Boy merely used the day as an excuse to post all of the crackpot submissions that he's received during the past year. I mean, geez, a 100% lossy compression tool? Isn't that what /dev/null is for? Meanwhile, The Register's pretend assimilation into the Microsoft empire (well, we hope it's pretend) was suspiciously similar to the April Fool's Day gag Humorix did two years ago. "I don't know why, but people just didn't care about fooling other people today," explained one sociologist. "Today is a Sunday, which might not help. And it's the beginning of Daylight Saving Time for most parts of the US, that period of government-mandated jet lag that causes people to waste several hours changing and re-changing their clocks. But still, I don't understand it. Has the whole world gone mad? (Or sane?)" All we can say is that April Fool's Day is dead. Long live August Fool's Day. [1] http://www.zdnet.com/pcmag/stories/reviews/0,6755,2697960,00.html ................................................................ James Baughn - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Wed Apr 4 05:48:21 2001 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Wed, 4 Apr 2001 05:46:50 +0200 Received: from bob.newdream.net ([216.246.18.32]:11343 "EHLO bob.newdream.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 4 Apr 2001 05:45:21 +0200 Received: (from nobody@localhost) by bob.newdream.net (8.9.3/8.9.3/Debian/GNU) id UAA22496; Tue, 3 Apr 2001 20:07:29 -0700 Date: Tue, 3 Apr 2001 20:07:29 -0700 Message-Id: <200104040307.UAA22496@bob.newdream.net> From: James Baughn To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Perl + Python + Parrot + C + ... + Java = Polymorph Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Perl + Python + Parrot + C + ... + Java = Polymorph April 3, 2001 In what has been heralded as the greatest innovation in the computer industry since the invention of 1's and 0's, a fat guy working in his basement has created a new meta-programming language called Polymorph. "It may not be a cure for cancer (probably), but it is a cure for holy wars," boasted Norbert Walmsley, the creator of Polymorph. "Why fight over Perl and Python, or C++ and Java, when when you can program in every one simultaneously?" That's right, simultaneously. Taking a cue from quantum mechanics, Polymorph allows code from many languages to co-exist in a state of superposition within the same source file. Of course, when the compiler touches the source, the code settles down into a single state. "Every programmer has encountered a situation where they've been forced to program in Language A by decree of their Pointy Haired Boss, but they'd rather be hacking in Language B but at the same time they would also like to borrow a feature or three from Language C and D. Polymorph makes that possible," says Mr. Walmsley. "Instead of restricting yourself to one language, you can program in an infinite number of languages at once, and the Polymorph compiler will take care of the details." In addition, Polymorph also allows the programmer to create their own personal programming language on the fly. According to the four-color glossy that accompanies Polymorph, "If you think all existing languages suck, then fine. Just take a quick 12 question survey which Polymorph will use to create your own tailor-made language from scratch." The Humorix Vast Research Labs Of Doom(tm) installed a beta copy of the software and filled out the survey, which looks like this: 1. What is your opinion on Object Oriented Programming? a) It's the best thing since sliced bread. b) It's the best thing since instant coffee. c) What now? d) It's an evil conspiracy concocted by "The Man" to achieve world domination by ensuring that all software projects are impossible to maintain and eventually implode on themselves. e) It's a buzzword bandied about by PHBs and nothing more. 2. What type of compiler warnings do you prefer? a) None. If it's possible to compile my program, I don't want to know about them. b) As obfuscated and terse as possible. Real men know the difference between "Warning 10,232A" and "Warning 10,232C" and like it, dammit! c) As misleading as possible. I've grown accustomed to warnings in other languages that are completely inaccurate, citing an error on line 124 for instance when it's actually on line 1, and I wouldn't have it any other way. d) What now? e) Warnings? No, I would prefer for the compiler to read my code, read my mind, and make the appropriate changes to the code to fix bugs transparently. Why should I do all the work? 3. How do you feel about language syntax? a) Compilers should have strict rules for spacing, punctuation, and keywords, and then blow up spectacularly if even one ASCII character is out of alignment. b) Syntax? People who watch "Star Wars" can understand Yoda perfectly, just as a compiler should understand my code perfectly no matter how intoxicated I am when I write it. c) What now? d) Spending hours debugging code that goes awry just because of a misplaced semicolon is one of the great pleasures that a programmer can have. 4. What type of source code do you find it easier to read, understand, and compose? a) Code that is virtually indistinguishable from line noise. b) Code that is so verbose that it requires 500 lines just to spit out "Hello world!" c) Code that is virtually indistinguishable from English prose because I don't want the FBI or MPAA to know what I'm up to. d) Code that other, inferior programmers would consider to be "write-only code". e) Why the heck would somebody want code that's easy to read, understand, and compose? 5. If you could be an animal featured on the cover of an O'Reilly book, which one would you choose? a) Camel b) Mole c) Raccoon d) Lion e) Tiger f) Mice g) Monkey h) Dog 6. What is your favorite ASCII character? a) parenthesis b) square bracket c) at-sign d) curly brace e) hash mark f) pipe symbol g) underscore h) tilde 7. Which of the following statements best fits your programming philosophy? a) GOTOs have gotten a bad rap over the years. b) If it's not object-oriented, it's crap. c) If it IS object-oriented, it's really crap. c) The fastest way to shoot yourself in the foot is to use pointers. d) Comments are for weenies. e) Automatic garbage collection should be conducted by garbagemen, not programming languages. f) Message passing is a bad idea because it can allow one process to send spam messages to other processes advertising the latest "GET CPU CYCLES QUICK" scheme. g) If something can go wrong, you're obviously using a Microsoft programming language. 8. Which format do you prefer for entering numbers? a) Binary, because there's no use wasting precious CPU cycles converting numbers from decimal into binary when I can do that myself just fine. b) Octal, because Real Men use octal. c) Hexidecimal, because numbers like DEADBEEF are so cool d) Base 42, because I'm the only person on the whole planet that know how to use it. e) If it's not a power of two, I don't want to know about it. 9. What type of writing do you typically use for informal e-mails and chat room conversations? a) i like to write like e e cummings no puncuation all lowercase all the time b) I LIKE TO MAKE HEAVY USE OF MY SHIFT KEY SO EVERYONE WILL LISTEN TO ME!!!!! (CAPS LOCK? WHATS THAT?) c) I just LOvE writing in MixedCase because everyThing is a so much better exPressed as a TradeMark conconted by MarkeTingDROIDS. d) (I (suffer (from (a (severe (lisp)))))) e) EverythingCanBeExpressedAsADomainName.com 10. What best describes the life cycle that your software typically goes through? a) I write it, it compiles, I'm finished with it. b) I write it. I'm the only one who understands any of it, thus maintaining job security. c) I write it, it compiles, I publish it on Sourceforge as Open Source software and let other schmucks debug it for me. d) I write it, the language sucks, it has lots of bugs, I get fired. e) I write it, it's the best piece of software ever created in its class, I get laid off when my dotcom goes boom, the code never sees the light of day. 11. Let's say the program you're writing may possibly try to divide by zero. If this exception occurs, how should your program cope? a) Pretend that the error didn't happen. The program will spit out bad data, but that's a user problem, not a programmer problem. b) Redefine the laws of mathematics so that any number divided by zero is equal to 42. Problem solved. c) Spit out an ominous error message and terminate. There's nothing more satisfying than watching the faces of end-users as they stare at an "Unknown Fatal Error" message they had nothing to do with. d) Don't worry about it because such errors only occur in programs written by inferior programmers. 12. What type of development and editing environment do you use? a) I use toggle switches on the front of my machine to input programs and data. For those rare instances when I want permanent storage of my programs, I use a magnet to manipulate the individual bits on a floppy diskette. b) Can you say punch cards? c) I open up 50 xterms and then run vi in each one. d) I haven't left the friendly confines of Emacs in over two years. Who needs an operating system? Once the questionnaire is completed, Polymorph generates the specifications for your own language. The specs are coded in "Meta-Polymorph", a programming language used to define programming languages. The syntax and structure for Meta-Polymorph can itself by modified by hacking code written in Meta-Meta-Polymorph, and so on. "This is going to revolutionize the computer industry," beamed Mr. Walmsley. "Now anybody will be able to write their own programs with little prior training or experience. Errr... wait a minute. That's a bad thing! If Joe Schmoe can write his own programs, what does that mean for the outrageously high salaries of today's programmers? Maybe I need to rethink this whole thing." ................................................................ James Baughn - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Fri Apr 13 05:36:27 2001 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Fri, 13 Apr 2001 05:35:16 +0200 Received: from bob.newdream.net ([216.246.18.32]:2929 "EHLO bob.newdream.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 13 Apr 2001 05:34:30 +0200 Received: (from nobody@localhost) by bob.newdream.net (8.9.3/8.9.3/Debian/GNU) id TAA07889; Thu, 12 Apr 2001 19:53:49 -0700 Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 19:53:49 -0700 Message-Id: <200104130253.TAA07889@bob.newdream.net> From: James Baughn To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #578,361 Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #578,361 Paul Strand, paul.s@paradise.net.nz April 12, 2001 "We're sorry, sir, but our Windows 98 computer system must have made a mistake," the clerk told me. I had ordered a ticket to Wellington. The ticket even said Wellington. But I was sitting in Auckland, all because the ticket had the wrong flight number printed on it. Here's a handy tip: when flying the unfriendly skies, be sure to avoid airline companies that rely on Windows for their reservation systems. But that's not the point of this fake news article. I'm about to reveal one of the most sinister Microsoft conspiracy theories to date, a conspiracy that makes anything on the "X-Files" look amateurish. After receiving a new ticket to Wellington along with 10 billion frequent flyer miles (cash value: nothing) as compensation for the airline mistake, I headed straight to the airport bar to numb the pain of being trapped with the locals. If you've never dealt with an Aucklander, it's like having teeth pulled (or getting a Microsoft refund, or getting a straight answer from Microsoft tech support, or... well, it's like trying to do anything involving Microsoft). In the bar I sat down next to another miserable soul and asked if he had gotten stuck on the wrong flight as well. He responded, "No, I live here... I'm upset because I just lost my job." Warning lights went off in my head. I tried to end the conservation, knowing that he was going to dive into a long-winded story that doesn't go anywhere. "It's a conspiracy, I tell you..." he continued, cutting me off. "It's all a conspiracy..." he moaned. I signaled the bartender to give me something stronger than beer. The guy went on to explain that he was a US correspodent for a newspaper, dispatched to investigate what kind of technology was on board the US spy plane that landed in China. I signaled the bartender again to just keep them coming. He dove into his long-winded story, which went something like this: --- I went to the home base of the spy plane in Washington State, and headed over to a local bar where I pretended to be an aircraft enthusiast. After making small talk with two privates for awhile, I casually commented, "What a shame losing that spy plane was." Both privates (heavily drunk, I might add) were quite eager to volunteer information. "Spy plane? What spy plane?' they both laughed. The first guy said, 'What a joke. Here we send out a so-called spy plane with such a low-tech design that it requires pru... prah... propellers, and nobody thinks twice about it." The other private added, "Yeah, I mean why use a plane for spying that can be picked up so easily? That's stupid... the last time we actually used one of those planes for spying was when... uh... I forget. Hey, what's your name again?" "Well, if these planes don't get much flight time, I guess you guys hardly have to maintain them?" I shot back. "Actually, that's why we're here," one private said. "Some guys from Microsoft came on the base the other day; they relieved us ground crew fellas and we were all issued week long passes. Pretty sweet, eh? [hick]" An off-duty MP sitting at the other end of the bar started looking at us funny after the word "Microsoft" was mentioned, so I casually ended the conservation and left. It didn't take an Einstein to realize that Microsoft was up to something dodgy. Knowing that Redmond was just a few miles away, I grabbed a rental car and drove over to One Microsoft Way. Here I pretended to be a tech reporter for a small town newspaper hoping to get an interview with "my all-time hero Bill Gates, the world's smartest man". I laid it on thick, almost choking to death on the words. The receptionist, however, just stared at me blankly and said in a voice devoid of personality, "I'm sorry but staff interviews are not permitted. However, you can request a press release from our legal department..." She was cut short by her telephone. She answered, "Microsoft Corporation. Where do you want to go today?" While she kept saying "Yes, sir" on the phone, I looked up and noticed that a video camera was pointed at me, following my every movement. She abruptly hung up and said robotically, "Chairman Gates wishes to speak with you. Please take the first elevator to the bottom floor and punch in your visitation access code, 95OSR2." Well, at this point I nearly fainted. Mustering all of my bullshitting skills that I learned while working as an intern at Ziff-Davis, I proceeded to the elevator and punched in my access code. The elevator's Windows ME console blinked, "Your code will expire today on April 4th 2001 at 3:34pm. You have 100 years, 29 minutes, and 59 seconds remaining. Which floor do you want to go to today?" I pressed the button for "billg@microsoft.com" and the elevator began a slow downward descent into Hell... well, the Microsoft sub-sub-basement bunker. When the doors opened, I found myself in a huge spacious office filled with pure wool carpets, leather chairs, and a small closed fireplace with a kindling basket full of creased $100 notes. The room was surrounded by large "windows", which I later discovered were actually flat-panel monitors showing live video feeds from the surface (I could tell they were fake windows because one of them later bluescreened). In front of me was a large polished mahogony desk; scattered upon it were stress balls, stress pens, Internet Explorer CDs, and framed newspaper clippings ("Microsoft Acquires Hotmail", "Microsoft Buys WebTV", "Bill Gates Tops Forbes List", etc.) Mr. Gates started off the conservation. "Hello, Mr... uh..." he prompted. Without thinking, I told him my real name. Oops. "Don't bother taking off your shoes, Mr. Pascoe, he told me. "I have the carpet replaced every weekend. Anyway, I hear that you are planning on writing an article about me." I hastily replied, "Err... yes! About how your... uh, vision will shape mankind's very existence." The smile widened on Bill's face and he said, "I suppose you want to know how I do it all?" His smile waned as I hesitated, but I quickly recovered my bullshit skills. "Err, yes! How do you manage to mould the entire planet (or dare I say Universe) for a better future? And please excuse my hesitance, I know that you of all people can understand how difficult it is to absorb the evidence of your sheer brilliance." Wow! I didn't think I could keep up this charade for much longer. I can only spew lies for so long before I go crazy, but Bill was ready to gobble up more bullshit than I or even Microsoft's own Marketing Department could ever create. I can only thank the Great Penguin for what happened next to get me out of this jam. Bill's secretary raced in to announce that a large van had pulled up to the front entrance of the campus and had vandalized an Internet Explorer logo, replacing it with a green lizard. Bill and the secretary rushed out of the office to investigate, leaving me behind to do a little snooping. What luck! I pulled up Internet Explorer to refill on bullshit from ZD-Net, and then launched Outlook to dig through Bill's private e-mail. I hit paydirt. I saved a few e-mails containing the words "China" and "conspiracy" to a floppy and still had time to read the latest ZD-Net feature on how great Windows XP will be. I heard Bill returning, so I quickly covered my tracks by crashing Windows ME (which takes all of 1.3 microseconds using the C:\CON\CON "known issue"). Bill returned and grimaced at the bluescreen on his computer. "Dammit, I thought this machine had the top-secret crash-proof version of Windows ME installed on it. Oh well." He pressed a large reset button mounted on his desk and then grabbed a gold letter opening which he used to carve an eighth notch into his mahogany desk. "Did I mention that I get a new desk every day?" he gloated. "So, what have you got in mind for your article?" he asked. I repeated a modified version of the Ziff-Davis feature I had just read, which seemed to satisfy Bill. "Great!" he responded. "Unfortunately, my calendar shows that I've got three companies to acquire today, so I'm a little pressed for time. I'm sorry we can't talk more today, but feel free to send a draft of your article to my _real_ e-mail address, god@microsoft.com. Oh, and before you go, take a stack of IE CDs with you." Safely back in my hotel room, I pulled up the e-mails. The first was merely a note to his secretary about how the Chinese restaurants in Seattle were involved in some sort of conspiracy to make him pay higher prices. "One waiter overcharged me by $3 dollars!" he complained. The other e-mail was juicier. I don't remember the exact wording, but it essentially described Microsoft's plan to infiltrate the Chinese government's computer network with NT/2000. Microsoft would place Windows 2000 on the computer network aboard the "spy plane". The Chinese would then be led to believe that the plane contains "advanced" American technology. Of course, they would copy the software to their own computers, believing it to be some kind of American military secret. This would weaken the Chinese for a later US invasion, and would allow Microsoft to more easily monopolize the IT market in China. A third e-mail mentioned some kind of deal between Microsoft and the US military. Apparently the US would go along with the spy plane conspiracy in exchange for the secret bug-free crash-proof version of Windows. Other pieces fit into the conspiracy. One, spy planes normally contain a device that destroys sensitive equipment and documents in an emergency, but that device wasn't installed on this particular mission. Two, the plane's home base is just miles away from the Redmond compound. Armed with this knowledge, I immediately phoned my editor back at home and told him the whole story. He replied, "RUN THAT BABY!!!!" However, his tone changed when I arrived home the next day. It seems my newspaper had been acquired overnight by a Microsoft front company, and I was out of a job. Meanwhile, my luggage and laptop had been sent to Timbuktu "by mistake" (according to the airline). I was told that my luggage might arrive back in New Zealand in "four to six years". Of course, Microsoft had orchestrated the whole thing. Dammit, I thought I would be safe from them here in New Zealand. It's a conspiracy I tell you! A conspiracy! --- The former newspaper reporter finally finished his story. During the guy's spiel, the bartender had supplied me with large quantities of alcohol, and I was in quite a pickled state by now. I started to think in Yodix. I replied, "Will be safe here, you thought. A headquarters in Auckland Microsoft has, you knew not... [hick] After 48 shots of scotch, speak so straight, you will not [belch]." So there you have it. Take this how you will, but please remember: until you have a memo, it's just a theory. ................................................................ This article brought to you by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Sun Apr 22 06:32:16 2001 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Sun, 22 Apr 2001 06:31:06 +0200 Received: from bob.newdream.net ([216.246.18.32]:28962 "EHLO bob.newdream.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sun, 22 Apr 2001 06:30:09 +0200 Received: (from nobody@localhost) by bob.newdream.net (8.9.3/8.9.3/Debian/GNU) id UAA14579; Sat, 21 Apr 2001 20:42:29 -0700 Date: Sat, 21 Apr 2001 20:42:29 -0700 Message-Id: <200104220342.UAA14579@bob.newdream.net> From: James Baughn To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Windows XP Guided Tour Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix-l@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ---- Warning: humorous content ahead. To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org... ---- Windows XP Guided Tour April 21, 2001 When trying to achieve world domination, it's a good idea to know your enemy. That's why we dispatched our Vast Research Labs Of Doom to snatch the latest build of Windows XP (eXceptionally Pathetic) and see just how much of a threat it might pose to Linux. As you might imagine, our researchers rebelled at the idea of installing a Microsoft product on their computers. We were finally able to convince them that sacrificing one of their computers was necessary for the noble purpose of writing yet another fake news article poking fun at Microsoft. * Installation We feel that it would be prudent if we did not go into the details of our installation nightmare, for it might unnecessarily frighten young children -- or, for that matter, anybody. Let's just say that Humorix is going to be paying large therapy bills for our technicians who suffered through the Windows XP Installation From Hell. * So what does the Blue Screen look like? Naturally, as soon as we finally installing Windows XP, we wanted to know what improvements, if any, had been made to the Blue Screen of Death. Unfortunately for us Linux zealots, it seems Windows XP is much more difficult to crash, which could prove a major setback for convincing people to upgrade to Linux. However, our crack team of researchers was still able to discover a method of crashing the system within 10 minutes, and we were on our way. Microsoft has replaced the standard bluescreen with a new "Crash Wizard": [.PNG screenshot converted into ASCII art] -------------------------------------------------- Computer Reboot And Startup Heuristic NETSCAPE.EXE caused a fatal exception 0E at memory address: 645A:74C9. All unsaved work will be lost. The Crash Wizard will now guide you through the rest of the rebooting process. -> Click here to return to the Classic Blue Screen Of Death error message. -------------------------------------------------- Since the Bluescreen was one of the most commonly used portions of the Windows 9x user interface, Microsoft has left in legacy support for the "Classic" bluescreen to ease the transition to the new XP Crash Wizard. * Redmond: The Next Police State According to some of the more vocal conspiracy theorists within Humorix, Microsoft is laying the foundation for a New World Order with Windows XP. MS-DOS existed in a state of anarchy, in which any old software program had exclusive access to any old memory location or any old CPU instruction or any old device driver. The first version of Windows just increased the anarchy by making it possible to execute more than one program at a time. Windows XP, on the other hand, is anything but an anarchy. Microsoft now maintains a list of "signed" (approved) device drivers, much in the same way that totalitarian governments maintain a list of "approved" newspapers. Windows XP treats users as "guilty pirates until proven guilty pirates" with its new anti-MP3 "features". Just look at what happens if you try to install a software package from a Microsoft competitor: -------------------------------------------------- You are attempting to install "Netscape", a program that does not appear on the Microsoft Official Approved Software List. Are you sure you wish to proceed? No No No -------------------------------------------------- You don't even want to know what happens if you try to play an unsigned MP3. * It BASICally Sucks Older versions of MS-DOS came with bundled programming languages including GW-BASIC and QBasic. Windows XP continues the Microsoft tradition of ruining budding programmers with horrible programming tools by including XPBasic, an interpreted language in which all of the customary BASIC keywords have been replaced with advertising slogans. Nike has paid a handsome amount to Microsoft for "keyword rights". Instead of saying PRINT "HELLO WORLD", XPBasic programmers must now type JUST DO IT "HELLO WORLD". Other common XPBasic statements include WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GOTO 20 TODAY? and DIM ARRAY(1 TO 20) AS INTEGER BROUGHT TO YOU BY VERIZON WIRELESS. * Internet Explorer : Windows XP :: Emacs : Unix. The Mac OS isn't the only operating system that Microsoft is stealing ^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hborrowing from. Unix has also become an target for imitation. In particular, Microsoft's programmers have adopted the Emacs mindset, in which a single, bloated application program contains everything, including the kitchen sink. In Windows XP, that bloated, all-encompassing application is Internet Explorer. Of course, in Windows 98, Microsoft tied IE to the operating system. But now the Web browser _is_ the operating system. For instance, almost every user-interface widget is now controlled by JavaScript (er, VBScript), Java (er, The Language Microsoft Refuses To Call Java), and Flash applets. Pop-up advertisements are bad enough on porn websites, but what about pop-up advertisements as you try to use the Control Panel? Meanwhile, the old "Bad command or file name" error has been replaced with a generic "404 Error". * Luna[tic] Bob lives. The whole Windows XP user-interface (code-named Luna, because only Lunatics will enjoy it) looks like it comes from the unreleased sequel to Microsoft Bob. Everything is labeled with "My": My Computer, My Documents, My Pirated Music, My Configuration, My Briefcase, My Network Places, My Ass, and My Personal Information Available To Everyone On The Web. Everything has been dumbed-down into a series of Wizards and menus: -------------------------------------------------- Internet Wizard Where do you want to go today? -> Microsoft.com -> Bill Gates Fan Club -> Microsoft Network -> Windows Update -> Committee for the Moral Defense of Microsoft -> Microsoft Tech Support -> Microsoft's Online Store -> Microsoft Bug Reporting Service -------------------------------------------------- If what you want to do isn't pre-programmed into a Wizard, however, you're out of luck. Microsoft recently patented Two-Hundred-Click Shopping(R), a Windows XP feature that requires the user to click through 200 different menus in order to point Internet Explorer at a non-Microsoft e-commerce site. * Conclusion After reviewing Windows XP, we at Humorix can safely agree with Microsoft's Marketing Department. Windows XP really is the best operating system. ...for throwing in the bottom of the ocean. We'll stick with Linux, thank you very much. ................................................................ To unsubscribe (but why would you want to do that?) send a message to majordomo@humbolt.nl.linux.org with the command "unsubscribe humorix" in the body. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/