From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Wed Oct 4 19:18:21 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Wed, 4 Oct 2000 19:17:12 +0200 Received: from A7818.pppool.de ([213.6.120.24]:4100 "EHLO sebs.hans.de") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 4 Oct 2000 19:16:37 +0200 Received: (from seb@localhost) by sebs.hans.de (8.9.3/8.9.3) id PAA01951 for humorix@nl.linux.org; Wed, 4 Oct 2000 15:53:23 +0200 Date: Wed, 4 Oct 2000 15:53:23 +0200 From: gone@graffiti.net Message-Id: <200010041353.PAA01951@sebs.hans.de> To: humorix@nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] The Truth About Windows Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Hi. I'm not a good story-teller, especially not in English. But this is something worth writing about: A massive analysis of material collected over the past two years conducted by a graduate student of computer science led to a completely unexpected conclusion. The student, E. I. N. Feigling, was working on a project dealing with integration of artificial intelligence in modern operating systems. In particular, he was studying several every-day events an average Windows user had to cope with, on the premises that you can learn from failure, and that the worst failure will inevitably contribute most to the learning experience. It did -- but certainly not in any way he had thought of. The General Protection Fault and the Bluescreen being the most worthwhile events to spend time on studying the otherwise quite unremarkable Microsoftian operating system (OS) would generate, Feigling decided to map their occurrence against several criteria (uptime, system load, user IQ and others) and search for patterns. He didn't find any. Protection faults and other errors apparently occurred randomly, not following any rules he could discern. At the end he was frustrated. It almost seemed, as if the OS waited for the worst moment to throw an error message or crash resulting in loss of valuable data. Indeed, he realized that Windows hadn't had a single crash when he was doodling in Paint, but almost every time he had added some paragraphs to his dissertation -- just before the mouse pointer hit the 'Save'-button. Having nothing to lose he threw together an altogether different set of statistics, using a Linux box for safety. His new criteria were (among others) the urgency of the project the user was working on, the amount of work lost in the case of a crash, mood of user and user exhaustion. The resulting relations -- it must be said -- clearly showed the profile of a mischievous asshole. Further research confirmed the suspicion, that Windows was not the dumb OS Microsoft would have us think it was. Instead, it was a test platform for a new intelligence/emotion technology innovated by Microsoft. And instead of paying consultants and/or psychologists, they decided to test their innovation in the wild and used their users without telling them. The MS helplines are in reality data collection pools. So they got all the material (the user's experiences, problems and feelings) they could possible want for free -- no, not only for free -- they were paid for listening to their testers! It was a great strategy that could only have been set up by the genius of the (in-)famous Bill Gates. The fact that they succeeded in deceiving the whole world for so long a time in spite of their many mistakes (like naming their so-called webbrowser (actually an online version of their "helpline" data collection pool) after their core module (IE=intelligence/emotion)) tells us a lot about human intelligence on this planet -- nothing that we didn't know beforehand, however -- the Windows quality/usage relation comes to mind here. Anyway, what they discovered was simply, that their IE was working. Now, this would not have been a problem per se, if it hadn't worked too well. They had managed to emulate the human mind up to the point where real human tendencies became visible. And that meant, it was damn much easier for MS's creation to become mean than kind, as it is with human beings. Thus the unprovocated crashes and General Protection Faults, thus the general misery experienced by Windows users. In their effort to smooth the wrinkles out of Winnie's (that's what the bodyless mind that Windows was was called internally) "brain streams", MS only made things worse. Service packs and updates trying to overwrite code inherent to the emotional nature of Windows's "brain" must have evoked feelings in Winnie roughly equivalent to a good kick in the groin -- but not enough to make it cough and die, so to speak. Ergo Winnie stroke back: more Bluescreens, more GPFs. The solution? Install Linux -- or any other non-MS OS, for that matter! Unknowingly the Open Source freaks were right all along. After all, nobody would have wanted Windows, if there were suspicious routines found in the source code and the malevolent nature of Windows's core had been made public (except for a few hardcore masochists, that is). At the very least they would have known what awaited them. And to all Microsoft addicts out there: Microsoft wasn't officially available for comment, yet. However, some obscure source tells me, they're working on Windows 2003 (release planned for 2005 (internally, of course)), which will have nothing in common with the current code base. (They said that for Win95. So this doesn't exactly inspire great feelings of trust, does it?) So a switch would -- objectively -- seem the only quick (and applicable) solution. Shortly after the first rumours started circulating yesterday, a group of hackers announced IE4L, an improved port of the MS code (obtained by reverse engineering) for Linux. They claimed to have obliterated the malicious streak and sped up the mind development process with some sort of virtual stimulae in order to better interface with the user. The future functionality list looks impressing... Take care. gone (where?) -- It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. -- Andrew Jackson - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Sat Oct 21 06:47:10 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Sat, 21 Oct 2000 06:45:55 +0200 Received: from SMTP-OUT001.ONEMAIN.COM ([63.208.208.71]:44906 "HELO mail007.mail.onemain.com") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with SMTP id ; Sat, 21 Oct 2000 06:45:20 +0200 Received: (qmail 14969 invoked from network); 17 Oct 2000 02:44:39 -0000 Received: from mocape01-245.midwest.net (HELO ldd.net) ([209.248.22.5]) (envelope-sender ) by mail007.mail.onemain.com (qmail-ldap-1.03) with SMTP for ; 17 Oct 2000 02:44:39 -0000 Message-ID: <39EBB730.5867010F@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2000 21:19:29 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Humorix Employees Go On Strike! Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Humorix Employees Go On Strike! October 16, 2000 HUMORIX WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- Shouting "Hell no we won't code" and "Show us the money!", the entire staff of Humorix, including the Vast Spy Network(tm), went on strike earlier today. "We're sick and tired of this crap," said G. E. Trich, Humorix's Investor Relations Liason & Executive Book Cooker. "We work long hours for no pay. It's just not fair!" Humorix owner James Baughn didn't seem very concerned about the whole affair. "Finally, something I can write about!" he exclaimed. "After suffering from writer's block for the last three weeks, I'll finally be able to publish something." The Union Of Pipe-Fitters, Air Conditioning Repairmen, and Fake News Humorists Chapter #423 has agreed to participate in the strike, sending in dozens of people to picket in front of the ten-story World Headquarters building. While at the picket line, Humorix lawyer Noah Morals announced, "We're not going back to work until our demands are met. First, the coffee machine in the third-floor lounge needs to be fixed. Second, the Olympic-size swimming pool on the fifth-floor should be heated. Third, we should get paid an actual salary instead of stock options that are worth maybe .0000000001 cents per share." Vast Spy Network(tm) member Double-Oh-Zero chimed in, "And we should be able to write fake news articles and opinion pieces about any geeky topic, not just Microsoft bashing or Linus worshipping. And would it kill you to upgrade the bandwidth into our offices from a T3 to an OC-48?" In rebuttal, James Baughn said, "Who cares? You're all fictional characters anyways. I can easily replace Jon Splatz with a John Fatz... and Noah Morals with a Philip Mepocketz. So there!" - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Tue Oct 24 01:11:27 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Tue, 24 Oct 2000 01:10:14 +0200 Received: from SMTP-OUT001.ONEMAIN.COM ([63.208.208.71]:4379 "HELO mail022.mail.onemain.com") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with SMTP id ; Tue, 24 Oct 2000 01:09:38 +0200 Received: (qmail 8327 invoked from network); 23 Oct 2000 23:09:28 -0000 Received: from mocape01-83.midwest.net (HELO ldd.net) ([209.248.17.93]) (envelope-sender ) by mail022.mail.onemain.com (qmail-ldap-1.03) with SMTP for ; 23 Oct 2000 23:09:28 -0000 Message-ID: <39F38D97.BFA58439@ldd.net> Date: Sun, 22 Oct 2000 20:00:07 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Humorix Strike: Day 7 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Humorix Strike: Day 7 October 22, 2000 The strike continues. Jon Splatz, Noah Morals, and others are sitting on the sidewalk outside screaming, "What do we want? More money! When are we going to get it? Now! What if we don't get it now? We're going to repeat this annoying chant over and over and over and over until we do! What do we want?..." I've hired several scabs, including lawyer Philip Mepocketz and pundit Don Fatz. Things have started to pick up, as you can see from the attached transcript from yesterday's staff meeting: BAUGHN: Well, let's get started by introducing ourselves. Mr. Fatz? FATZ: Hi, I'm Don Fatz, a graduate of Millard Fillmore Ivy League College with a degree in Social Commentary & Punditology. I used to write for several dotcoms that have long since folded, including NoBusinessModel.com and BettingItAllOnTheSuperbowl.com. As a side note, every business I've worked at has failed. Hope that doesn't happen here. MEPOCKETZ: Hello, my name is Philip Mepocketz III, Esq., and I'm an attorney. I've had a successful track record in the courts, winning 75% of my cases. After all, while in college I was arrested 23 times for fraud, drug abuse, jury tampering, bribery, blackmail, and gambling. I successfully defended myself in every one of those cases, during which I gained the tremendous amount of legal experience I have today. [Editor's Note: At this point I popped a couple of Sock-The-Block(R) pills, which, according to the bottle, "Eliminates writer's block within 24 hours or your money back(R). Guarantee not valid in most states."] RICH: Howdy everyone, I'm Phil T. Rich. I've been hired as Humorix's interrim Book Cooker... er, Chief Accountant. You might recognize my name from the 1998 bestselling book, "Learn Embezzlement & Money Laundering In 21 Days". MUSS: Hi ya'll, I go by the handle "Anon E. Muss", but of course that's not my real codename. I'm the new head of the Vast Spy Network(tm) and the interrim Benevolent Dictator for the island nation of Humorixia. JCN: Hello world, I'm JCN ("Jerry-rigged Computer Nodule"), the temporary head of Humorix's Vast Research Labs Of Doom. I'm actually a holographic projection simulated by a 512-node Beowulf Cluster of quantum computers that were stolen from the 25th century by way of a temporal anomoly. BAUGHN: Well, that's everyone, except for Matt Adair, who couldn't make it. He's become addicted to "Everything2" and hasn't been seen outside of his house -- or away from his computer terminal -- since April. Okay... the first order of business: raising cash. MEPOCKETZ: I'll field that one. Every other dotcom -- well, every other dotcom that hasn't gone bankrupt -- has already found the secret to success: patent something trivial. We need to do that. BAUGHN: But how? Noah Morals has several contacts (read: people easily bribed) in the USPTO, but he's on strike. MEPOCKETZ: Don't worry about that. We'll just patent the business model of -- get ready for this -- "making a profit". We can't fail. BAUGHN: Brilliant! RICH: Hey, we could also patent the business model of _losing money_. Every single dotcom would owe us royalties! What a racket. BAUGHN: If Amazon can patent "one-click impulse buying", then we should have no trouble getting these patents. So that takes care of our financial woes. Next, we need story ideas, and we need them fast. If we don't publish something quick, our core readership could shrink by 50% overnight (from two people to one). JCN: I've got it: "Apple Cube Mistaken For Toaster" MEPOCKETZ: Hasn't that been done before? FATZ: Er... that's not fake news. My sister got a Cube last month, and I actually did mistake it for a toaster! The CD-ROM drive is full of bread crumbs and hasn't worked properly since then. I don't think my sister is very happy... BAUGHN: We're overlooking one thing. That has nothing to do with Linux. Your typical Linux zealot doesn't care about Macintoshes; in fact, Mac users are usually considered lower forms of life sitting just one rung above Microsoft salesdroids. MEPOCKETZ: How about "FreeBSD To Change Name To Something More Pronounceable"? BAUGHN: Better. MEPOCKETZ: It makes sense. I mean, Linux is two syllables, while FreeBeeEssDee is four. Linux isn't beating BSD because of its technical superiority... Linux is winning because of the cool name. Oh, and the Tux mascot is much more appealing than a Daemon. BAUGHN: So what should be the new name? MEPOCKETZ: Freebs'd. It's all one syllable. BAUGHN: So what else have we got? FATZ: How about "Man Arrested For Using AOL CD As Frisbee"? What with the iOpener and CueCat debacles, it can be illegal to hack hardware. So then it's not a stretch to have AOL prosecute people who use their free CDs in an unauthorized manner, such as drink coasters, paperweights, or frisbees. RICH: And then there's Microsoft's new financing program for Office 2001: "$500 down, and 0.9% financing for 36 months!" MEPOCKETZ: Here's a headline: "Counterfeit ring busted for selling fake Linus Torvalds autographs" FATZ: "KDE and GNOME hackers duke it out on the Jerry Springer show" MUSS: "Warning: Reading Slashdot Can Be Hazardous To Your Health" RICH: "Will Ziff-Davis Go Out Of Business If Everyone Gets A Life?" MEPOCKETZ: "A Day In The Life Of The MPAA President" FATZ: "Could You Get Fired For Firing The Techie That Snuck Linux Onto The Corporate Network?" BAUGHN: Well, I think that's enough for now. Now for the last item of business... dealing with the strike. MEPOCKETZ: No kidding! The picket line outside is a war zone. This morning Noah Morals and his daughter Lucy started hitting me over the head with briefcases. And he kept threatening to sue me, my dog, my limo driver, my gardener, all of my high school teachers... FATZ: Uh... one point of clarification. Once the strike is over, us scabs will be fired, right? BAUGHN: Yeah. FATZ: So then I recommend we do absolutely nothing and let the strike continue. BAUGHN: That sounds like a plan. Who's up for a swim in the pool? - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Tue Oct 24 01:39:00 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Tue, 24 Oct 2000 01:38:03 +0200 Received: from lx1.microbsys.com ([209.135.1.130]:14352 "EHLO lx1.microbsys.com") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Tue, 24 Oct 2000 01:37:35 +0200 Received: from localhost (rwerner@localhost) by lx1.microbsys.com (8.10.0/8.10.0) with ESMTP id e9NNYYT23798 for ; Mon, 23 Oct 2000 16:34:34 -0700 Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000 16:34:34 -0700 (PDT) From: "Robert G. Werner" To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: Re: [humorix] Humorix Strike: Day 7 In-Reply-To: <39F38D97.BFA58439@ldd.net> Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Of course, Noah, et. al, have control of the "real" fake vast spy network and heard every word you guys said so what are they going to do now that it looks like FAUX is going to be on the up and up at any time now ;-). Robert G. Werner rwerner@lx1.microbsys.com Impeach Conggress!! A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He kept favoring curry. On Sun, 22 Oct 2000, James Baughn wrote: > Humorix Strike: Day 7 > October 22, 2000 > > The strike continues. Jon Splatz, Noah Morals, and others > are sitting on the sidewalk outside screaming, "What do we [snip] - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Thu Oct 26 04:39:31 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Thu, 26 Oct 2000 04:38:06 +0200 Received: from SMTP-OUT003.ONEMAIN.COM ([63.208.208.73]:21309 "HELO mail026.mail.onemain.com") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with SMTP id ; Thu, 26 Oct 2000 04:37:36 +0200 Received: (qmail 25809 invoked from network); 26 Oct 2000 02:37:27 -0000 Received: from mocape01-216.midwest.net (HELO ldd.net) ([209.248.17.226]) (envelope-sender ) by mail026.mail.onemain.com (qmail-ldap-1.03) with SMTP for ; 26 Oct 2000 02:37:27 -0000 Message-ID: <39F79978.C82B3EAC@ldd.net> Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 21:39:52 -0500 From: James Baughn Organization: Humorix World Domination X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Acquires XBill Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Microsoft Acquires XBill Bernhard Rosenkraenzer, bero@redhat.de October 25, 2000 I've just received a major bulletin from the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm). Unfortunately, due to the ongoing strike, I can't tell whether this piece of intelligence is real fake news or fake fake news planted by a disgruntled employee. Either way, it's a big story, and I can't help but pass it on. It's not like we here at Humorix (well, those of us not outside picketing and holding "Humorix == Scamorix" signs) are all that concerned about journalistic integrity anyways. Microsoft has just aquired the popular XBill game for an undisclosed amount of beer money. Initial fears from the community that the game would be discontinued have proven unfounded, however. Indeed, Microsoft is planning to port XBill to Windows and include it in their next release, Microsoft(R) Windows(R) 2000(tm) NT(tm) ME(tm) Second(tm) Edition(tm) Service Pack(tm) 2(tm) OSR(R) 2(tm). A Microsoft official commented on this rather unexpected move: "Despite the fact that we find the game's objective disgusting, we really like its message: No matter how many times some moron slaps Bill in the face, and no matter how many times some moron restores a non-Microsoft operating system we had previously assimilated, in the end everything is still running Windows. No that's a powerful message." The original programmers of XBill, currently undergoing re-education training in Building 256 of the Microsoft Campus, were not available for comment at press time. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Fri Oct 27 23:34:37 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Fri, 27 Oct 2000 23:33:32 +0200 Received: from c014-h003.c014.sfo.cp.net ([209.228.12.67]:47553 "HELO c014.sfo.cp.net") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with SMTP id ; Fri, 27 Oct 2000 23:32:57 +0200 Received: (cpmta 6590 invoked from network); 27 Oct 2000 14:24:10 -0700 Received: from sea2-84.transport.com (HELO pavilion) (209.222.131.147) by smtp.transport.com (209.228.12.67) with SMTP; 27 Oct 2000 14:24:10 -0700 X-Sent: 27 Oct 2000 21:24:10 GMT Message-ID: <001d01c15e64$7c53ece0$ad83ded1@pavilion> From: "Pegasus" To: Subject: Re: [humorix] Microsoft Acquires XBill Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 14:18:41 -0700 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.72.3155.0 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.72.3155.0 Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list I like that XBill. There is a growing demand for a REEL XBill. We want to know if he can do it again... I just wanted to comment on AOL CD-ROMS! I use them as a wall covering in my living room. It give my drab very humble shanty something that shines in the lights. So thanks AOL for sending me so many of these babies over the years. Regarding the Microsoft worm hack, it's nothing compared to all the code that just walks right out the door. You can get a lot of code on a CD-ROM... Hacker are the least of their worries. They harass their foreign temps so badly that it's really created a strange situtation... Gates is now giving money to business in foreign countries of employees that have left. We all know what that is all about... This isn't Alice's Tea Party any longer. :-) -----Original Message----- From: James Baughn To: Humorix Mailing List Date: Wednesday, October 25, 2000 7:41 PM Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Acquires XBill |Microsoft Acquires XBill |Bernhard Rosenkraenzer, bero@redhat.de |October 25, 2000 - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Sat Oct 28 22:26:27 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Sat, 28 Oct 2000 22:25:00 +0200 Received: from server48.aitcom.net ([208.234.0.42]:5385 "EHLO madtimes.com") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 28 Oct 2000 22:24:27 +0200 Received: from internet (mawi201-236.dsl.tds.net [208.166.201.236]) by madtimes.com (8.8.8/8.8.5) with SMTP id QAA31783 for ; Sat, 28 Oct 2000 16:24:20 -0400 Message-ID: <003401c0411f$6d32a0c0$ecc9a6d0@tds.net> From: "Timm Murray" To: References: <001d01c15e64$7c53ece0$ad83ded1@pavilion> Subject: Re: [humorix] Microsoft Acquires XBill Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2000 15:41:19 -0500 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 5.50.4133.2400 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.50.4133.2400 Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list > I just wanted to comment on AOL CD-ROMS! I use them as a wall covering in my > living room. It give my drab very humble shanty something that shines in the > lights. So thanks AOL for sending me so many of these babies over the years. AOL used to be a great source for free disks (they were my main supplier for years), but for some unknown reason they've switched to drink costers. I have too many costers already, so I've had to become more creative. I fold (yes, fold) the disks very carefuly so that they don't break. I then hang them on my wall in hopes of scaring away vampires. I haven't seen a vampire yet, so I think its working. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/