From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Wed Mar 1 03:12:10 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Wed, 1 Mar 2000 03:10:47 +0100 Received: from terra.geo.uu.nl ([131.211.29.16]:16030 "EHLO terra.geo.uu.nl") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 1 Mar 2000 03:10:16 +0100 Received: from ldd.midwest.net (root@mail.ldd.net [209.248.1.42]) by terra.geo.uu.nl (8.9.3/8.9.3/TvZ) with ESMTP id DAA16811 for ; Wed, 1 Mar 2000 03:05:31 +0100 (MET) Received: from ldd.net (IDENT:stan@[209.248.17.237]) by ldd.midwest.net (8.9.0/8.9.1) with ESMTP id UAA20333 for ; Tue, 29 Feb 2000 20:02:58 -0600 (CST) Message-ID: <38BC7BC9.A016C75F@ldd.net> Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 20:09:13 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: http://i-want-a-website.com X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Releases Office 2005 Poll Results Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Microsoft Releases Office 2005 Poll Results Timm Murray, admin@madtimes.com February 29, 2000 REDMOND, WA -- At a press conference held earlier today, Microsoft announced the results of a poll about Office 2005 (to be released in 2007). Microsoft polled 2,058 people (most of whom were Microsoft employees) if they would like the ability to kill roaches put into Office 2005. 43% of those polled said they would definitely like to be able to squish roaches with the upcoming product, 51% said it would be an OK feature, 2% were nature types that were against killing roaches, and 4% said it was a bad idea. Upon further investigation, it was found that those 4% were actualy zealots of alternative operating systems, most of whom stated "What the $%*& are you talking about! That would be just another bloated feature!" However, Microsoft labled them fools, since obviously the masses want to squish roaches with just a click of the mouse. Dubbed "DirectSquish", the new patent pending feature is expected to add 300 gigabytes to the installation and an extra three years of development, thus pushing back Office 2005's release date to sometime in 2008. The extra bloat will hardly be a problem, one Microsoft offical said, since "we'll all have three terabyte hard drives by then anyway". - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Fri Mar 10 03:38:55 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Fri, 10 Mar 2000 03:37:31 +0100 Received: from terra.geo.uu.nl ([131.211.29.16]:63651 "EHLO terra.geo.uu.nl") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 10 Mar 2000 03:37:05 +0100 Received: from ldd.midwest.net (root@mail.ldd.net [209.248.1.42]) by terra.geo.uu.nl (8.9.3/8.9.3/TvZ) with ESMTP id DAA04672 for ; Fri, 10 Mar 2000 03:32:09 +0100 (MET) Received: from ldd.net (IDENT:stan@[209.248.17.227]) by ldd.midwest.net (8.9.0/8.9.1) with ESMTP id UAA22864 for ; Thu, 9 Mar 2000 20:29:15 -0600 (CST) Message-ID: <38C85BAA.97087198@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 09 Mar 2000 20:19:22 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: http://i-want-a-website.com X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Man Charged With Crashing Windows Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Man Charged With Crashing Windows March 9, 2000 MOUNTAIN HOME, AR -- Eric Turgent, a closet Linux advocate, was arrested yesterday for intentionally crashing his co-worker's Windows box at the offices of the "Roadkill Roundup" newspaper. Turgent disputes the charges, saying, "If causing an operating system to crash is illegal, than why isn't Bill Gates serving life without parole?" Turgent's co-worker, Mr. Stu Poor, the clueless technology pundit for the newspaper, is a heavy Microsoft supporter. He frequently brags in his weekly Tuesday Tech Talk column that he "once had a conversation with Bill Gates." In short, he is the local equivalent of Jesse Berst. Last week he published an editorial entitled, "Freaks in Linux Houses Shouldn't Throw FUD", in which he wrote: As you all know, February 17th was the happy day that Microsoft officially released Windows 2000. I went down to the local Paperclips computer store and asked if they had any copies in stock. One of the pimply-faced Linux longhairs explained that Paperclips didn't carry Win2K because it is not intended for consumers. What FUD! I can't believe the gall of those Linux Communists to spread such FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt) about Windows 2000, which is _the_ best, most stable operating system ever produced in the history of mankind! It should come as no surprise that this editorial enraged Turgent. A heated argument broke out yesterday morning in which the two insulted each other ("You're nothing but a Linux hippie freak on the Red Hat payroll!" vs. "You make Jesse Berst and Fred Moody look like [expletive] geniuses!") for two hours. Before the argument, Stu Poor had been composing a new op-ed, "Java and Linux -- The Edsel and New Coke of the 21st Century", on his machine running Windows 98 SE (Sixteenth Edition). At the heat of the moment, Turgent shoved Poor aside, fired up Internet Explorer, and typed in "C:\CON\CON"[1]. The machine crashed and the pundit lost all of his work (a real loss to humanity, to be sure). When Stu Poor protested, Turgent taunted, "What are you going to do? Call the cops? Ha ha!" The pundit did just that, and now Turgent is in jail awaiting trial for violating the "Slash Crashes Act". This bill was enacted in 1999 after a Senator's gigabyte cache of pornography was destroyed by a Windows crash. The case is expected to go to trial next month. One of his lawyers said to Humorix off the record, "Turgent is not the criminal. Windows is a con -- a C:\CON\CON, that is, and the Microsoft Marketing Department is the con-artist. My client is innocent." [1] We're not making this up: a pathname such as C:\CON\CON will actually crash Windows 9x. See this security advisory: http://securax.org/pers/scx-sa-01.txt --- James S. Baughn http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Tue Mar 14 00:34:29 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Tue, 14 Mar 2000 00:33:17 +0100 Received: from terra.geo.uu.nl ([131.211.29.16]:51135 "EHLO terra.geo.uu.nl") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Tue, 14 Mar 2000 00:32:49 +0100 Received: from ldd.midwest.net (root@mail.ldd.net [209.248.1.42]) by terra.geo.uu.nl (8.9.3/8.9.3/TvZ) with ESMTP id AAA25243 for ; Tue, 14 Mar 2000 00:28:04 +0100 (MET) Received: from ldd.net (stan@[209.248.17.205]) by ldd.midwest.net (8.9.0/8.9.1) with ESMTP id RAA20198 for ; Mon, 13 Mar 2000 17:25:01 -0600 (CST) Message-ID: <38CD7158.59C289BC@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 16:53:12 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: I Want a Website -- http://i-want-a-website.com X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.35 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Real Proof Of Bill Gates' Satan-ness Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Real Proof Of Bill Gates' Satan-ness March 13, 2000 Over the years many have claimed that William H. Gates III is indeed Satan himself. These people always present very sketchy evidence, often involving some trick where his name is converted into 666 using ASCII. However, thanks to the diligent efforts of our Vast Spy Network(tm), we have been able to obtain a document that directly proves Bill Gates' Satan-ness. The document is a recently published article in that stronghold of journalistic integrity, the Weekly World News. Titled "Is Your Computer Possesed by a Demon?", it [http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/stories/1745.html] describes how Satan is infecting computer systems worldwide. The article states, "Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit." If you're professional Microsoft basher and Linux advocate, then you should already know that Microsoft officially unveiled Windows 1.0 on November 20, 1985 for the bargain basement price of US$100 (or 666 Mexican pesos at the prevailing exchange rate at the time). The conclusion, therefore, is obvious. Evil spirits began infecting computers in 1985. Windows began infecting computers in 1985. Thus, Bill Gates is Satan. QED. If you are not convinced, however, the Weekly World News provides more evidence. For instance: "I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!" Clearly this stream of nonsense is a typical Windows error message, such as the Blue Screen of Death. With emphasis on 'Death'. As an aside, "Fatal Exception Error" translated literally into ancient Babylonian slang means "This won't happen again if you sell your soul to us". Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in for servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently." This is excellent advice. However, you don't really need to pay $1,000 to have a technician type in "FDISK" and insert a Red Hat Linux installation CD. "Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally. Of course. After experiencing the 5,423rd random data-losing Windows crash, it's no surprise that even the most mild-mannered housewife would use such phrases as "I hate this !@*#?#% computer! Who the %*!&%#@ designed this *$@&%$@ thing?" and "If I ever see that $&*!%@ Bill Gates I'm going to #*&@^#^&*!!!!" So there you have it. Bill Gates really is the Master of ActiveHades(tm), an underground crypt beneath Building 13 of the Microsoft Campus where people who didn't register their copy of Windows 98 are sent when they die. --- James S. Baughn http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Fri Mar 17 23:41:33 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Fri, 17 Mar 2000 23:40:19 +0100 Received: from terra.geo.uu.nl ([131.211.29.16]:3516 "EHLO terra.geo.uu.nl") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 17 Mar 2000 23:39:47 +0100 Received: from ldd.midwest.net (root@mail.ldd.net [209.248.1.42]) by terra.geo.uu.nl (8.9.3/8.9.3/TvZ) with ESMTP id XAA04437 for ; Fri, 17 Mar 2000 23:35:00 +0100 (MET) Received: from ldd.net (stan@mocape02-149.midwest.net [209.248.17.159]) by ldd.midwest.net (8.9.0/8.9.1) with ESMTP id QAA14331 for ; Fri, 17 Mar 2000 16:31:47 -0600 (CST) Message-ID: <38D2AFE8.AADBD1B5@ldd.net> Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 16:21:28 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: I Want a Website -- http://i-want-a-website.com X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.35 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: humorix@nl.linux.org Subject: [humorix] Brief History of Linux (Part 3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Brief History of Linux (Part 3) March 17, 2000 It's time again for the next installment in our "brief" history of Linux. In Part 3, we explore the rise and rise of Microsoft, and the mysterious events surrounding Linus Torvalds' creation of Linux. * There are lies, damned lies, and Microsoft brochures When we last left off, Bill Gates had forged an unholy alliance with Big Blue to bundle DOS with new PCs. At this point Gates ticked off Step 1 in his master World Domination timetable and proceeded to the next step. Even from the very first day, the Microsoft Marketing Department was at full throttle. Vaporware has always been their weapon of choice. Back when MS-DOS 1.25 was released to OEMs, Microsoft handed out brochures touting some of the features to be included in future versions, including: Xenix-compatible pipes, process forks, multitasking, graphics and cursor positioning, and multi-user support. The brochure also stated, "MS-DOS has no practical limit on disk size. MS-DOS uses 4-byte Xenix compatible pointers for file and disk capacity up to 4 gigabytes." We would like to emphasize in true Dave Barry fashion that we are not making this up. Big vaporous plans were also in store for Microsoft's "Apple Killer" graphical interface. In 1983 Microsoft innovated a new marketing ploy -- the rigged "smoke-and-mirrors" demo -- to showcase the "overlapping windows" and "multitasking" features of Interface Manager, the predecessor to Windows. These features never made it into Windows 1.0 -- which, incidentally, was released 1.5 years behind schedule. * The rise and rise of the Microsoft Empire The DOS and Windows releases kept coming, and much to everyone's surprise, Microsoft became more and more successful. This brought much frustration to computer experts who kept predicting the demise of Microsoft and the rise of Macintosh, Unix, and later, OS/2. "Why do people keep using crapware like DOS?" they frequently asked. Nobody ever got fired for choosing Microsoft (at least not until recently), which was the prime reason that DOS and Windows prevailed. Oh, and DOS had better games as well, which we all know is the most important feature an operating system can have. In 1986 Microsoft's continued success prompted the company to undergo a wildly successful IPO. Afterwards, Microsoft and Chairman Bill had accumulated enough money to acquire small countries without missing a step, but all that money couldn't buy quality software. Gates could, however, buy enough marketing and hype to keep MS-DOS (Maybe Some Day an Operating System) and Windows (Will Install Needless Data On While System) as the dominant platforms, so quality didn't matter. This fact was demonstrated in Microsoft's short-lived slogan from 1988, "At Microsoft, quality is job 1.1". * Boy meets operating system While everyone was looking towards Redmond, certain events transpired in Finland that would later have grave repercussions for Microsoft. That's right, Internet Relay Chat was invented in Finland. IRC would form a major communications channel by which collaborative development on free software would take place. Oh, and Linux was started in Finland, too. The young Linus Torvalds might have been just another CompSci student if it wasn't for his experiences in the University of Helsinki's Fall 1990 Unix & C course. During one class, the professor experienced difficulty getting Minix to work properly on a Sun box. "Who the heck designed this thing?" the angry prof asked rhetorically, and somebody responded, "Andrew Tanenbaum". The name of the Unix & C professor has already escaped from Linus, but the words he spoke next remain forever etched in his grey matter: "Tanenbaum... ah, yes, that Amsterdam weenie who thinks microkernels are the greatest thing since sliced bread. Well, they're not. I would just love to see somebody create their own superior Unix-like 32-bit operating system using a monolithic kernel just to show Tanenbaum up!" His professor's outburst inspired Linus to order a new IBM PC so he could hack Minix (as an excuse not to do schoolwork, of course). The new machine was quite expensive, so Linus had to rent it. He planned on paying the monthly installments from his meager salary as a nude model for the university's Art Department. You can probably guess what happened next. Inspired by his professor's words, Linus Torvalds hacks together his own superior Unix-like 32-but operating system using a monolithic kernel just to show Mr. Christmas Tree up. * An unexpected plot twist Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Linus Torvalds was tragically hit by a bus on the morning of January 5, 1991 while he was crossing the street to pick up his new PC at the post office. At this point, you, the reader (assuming you've made it this far without dozing off), are probably wondering, "What the heck? Linus can't be dead; I talked to him last month at a Linux expo and he gave me his autograph, which I sold last week on eBay for $1,000! If Linus died in 1991, then where did Linux come from?" We could make up some answer involving a conspiracy conconcted by the Helsinkian Underground in which "Linus Torvalds" is nothing but a fictional character portrayed by a cast of Finnish actors. We could then argue that Linux is a fiendish instrument distributed by the Finns to spy on the rest of the world. However, that's not the truth. Occam's Razor tells us that the simplest explanation is usually the best. Indeed, the real explanation for the creation of Linux is much simpler than a Finnish meta-conspiracy ever could be: it involves such common everyday occurences as alien invasions and temporal paradoxes. * A Linux-free universe Without Linus around to create Linux, the Unix world fragmented and collapsed in the late 1990s. Apple went bankrupt in 1998; a year later several prominent Macintosh advocates surrendered to Microsoft by signing the historic Treaty of Redmond. All other operating systems faltered, and by the year 2000 Microsoft had 100% market share on all system software. It's not hard to imagine what happened next. The Microsoft Network (formerly called the Internet) soon permeated throughout society. The US Congress replaced several executive departments with the Department of Software, headed by Chief Software Architect Bill Gates. The "Microsoftization" of the US, and then the world, continued unabated until 2054, when the United States of Microsoft launched a space probe towards Gatesia Prime (previously known as Alpha Centauri) using ActiveIonDriveX propulsion. Space aliens intercepted the probe en route to Gatesia Prime and were not pleased with what they saw. The probe's computers ran Windows 2050 (Interstellar Edition), which the aliens considered to be a dangerous virus. "What if this thing spreads to our computer systems?" the aliens wondered. "Our entire galactic civilization will collapse in a colossal Bluescreen!" So, naturally, they travelled to Earth and blew up the entire planet without warning using their fancy ray guns. That would be the end of the story, except the captain of the alien's invasion ship started feeling a little guilty about the destruction of several billion pseudo-intelligent life-forms. Nevertheless, he couldn't think of anything he could do to save the Earthlings. It's not like he could go back in time and alter events so that Microsoft would not obtain a software monopoly, thus preventing the creation of the abomination known as Windows 2050. And then he remembered that a new time machine had recently been installed on his ship. Of course! The ship's captain travelled back to 1991 and arranged for the bus to have a flat tire, thus preventing Linus from being run over. He also left a copy of the Faux Press book, "How to Write Your Own Unix-Like 32-Bit Operating System in Only 365 Days". * Linux is born We all know what happened next. Linus' superhuman programming talent produced, within a year, a full operating system that rivaled Minix. The first official announcement on comp.os.minix came October 5th, in which Linus wrote these famous words: Do you pine for the nice days of minix-1.1, when men were men and wrote their own device drivers? Do you want to cut your teeth on an operating system that will achieve world domination within 15 years? Want to get rich quick by the end of the century by taking money from hordes of venture capitalists and clueless Wall Street suits? Need to get even with Bill Gates but don't know what to do except throw cream pies at him? Then this post might just be for you :-) Linux (which was known as "Lindows", "Freax", and "Billsux" for short periods in 1991) hit the bigtime on January 5, 1992 (exactly one year after Linus wasn't hit by a bus) when version 0.12 was released under the GNU GPL. Linus called his creation a "better Minix than Minix"; the famous Linus vs. Tanenbaum flamewar erupted soon thereafter on January 29th and injured several Usenet bystanders. It's one thing to create your own operating system from scratch, but it's another thing to convince guinea pigs... er, other people... to use it. Thankfully, the fledgling Linux community had help from the GNU Project -- a certain organization that I completely forgot to mention until now. As we shall see in the next installment (assuming you weren't so horribly bored with this installment that you'll actually read the next one), Linux and the GNU Project team up and begin the process of attacking the Microsoft Empire. To be continued... --- James S. Baughn http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Tue Mar 21 03:54:37 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Tue, 21 Mar 2000 03:51:48 +0100 Received: from terra.geo.uu.nl ([131.211.29.16]:53140 "EHLO terra.geo.uu.nl") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Tue, 21 Mar 2000 03:51:09 +0100 Received: from ldd.midwest.net (root@mail.ldd.net [209.248.1.42]) by terra.geo.uu.nl (8.9.3/8.9.3/TvZ) with ESMTP id DAA23240 for ; Tue, 21 Mar 2000 03:46:24 +0100 (MET) Received: from ldd.net (IDENT:stan@mocape02-52.midwest.net [209.248.17.62]) by ldd.midwest.net (8.9.0/8.9.1) with ESMTP id UAA08163 for ; Mon, 20 Mar 2000 20:43:06 -0600 (CST) Message-ID: <38D6DD65.97594F9E@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 20:24:37 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: http://i-want-a-website.com X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Greed Inc. Acquires Microsoft Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Greed Inc. Acquires Microsoft! Matthew "I still have no nickname" Adair REDMOND, WA -- Our Vast Spy Network(nonTM) has just received word that Greed, Inc. (Nasdaq: CASH) has initiated a hostile takeover of Microsoft for 256 billion dollars. This little-known (but high-profit) multinational corporation, we are told, makes money by acquiring other companies and marketing their complex and user-hostile products. As one source noted, "Greed operates much like Microsoft... Only about 50 times worse, which makes this a match made in hell." Greed CEO, Ms. Robberta Barone, announced in a press release issued just minutes ago, "We at Greed, Inc. have been monitoring Microsoft for years and are very delighted with its line of bloatware. We feel that by purchasing Microsoft we can more efficiently fulfill our Mission Statement of 'Making consumers miserable by turning Capitalism exclusively to our advantage, while earning a huge profit.'" Bill Gates, Chief Bloatware Architect for Microsoft, seemed rather shaken in a hastily conducted ActiveTelecast(tm) over the Microsoft Network(tm). He uttered, "The only way they could buy us out is if they are richer than I am! Holy crap, I'm not the Richest Man Alive(tm) after all!" This breaking news is already causing a firestorm of activity on Slashdot. Indeed, the server has already crashed. Rob Malda said, "I hate this! Whenever important news breaks the server always overloads. How can we be 'News for Nerds' if we can't stay online when news breaks?" Fred Moody jumped out a window at ABCNews's offices after yelling, "Without Microsoft my life has no meaning!" We haven't received word yet on Jesse Berst's reaction. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Wed Mar 22 22:34:59 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Wed, 22 Mar 2000 22:33:55 +0100 Received: from terra.geo.uu.nl ([131.211.29.16]:40331 "EHLO terra.geo.uu.nl") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Wed, 22 Mar 2000 22:33:25 +0100 Received: from ldd.midwest.net (root@mail.ldd.net [209.248.1.42]) by terra.geo.uu.nl (8.9.3/8.9.3/TvZ) with ESMTP id WAA15567 for ; Wed, 22 Mar 2000 22:28:35 +0100 (MET) Received: from ldd.net (IDENT:stan@mocape02-175.midwest.net [209.248.17.185]) by ldd.midwest.net (8.9.0/8.9.1) with ESMTP id PAA01104 for ; Wed, 22 Mar 2000 15:25:13 -0600 (CST) Message-ID: <38D938BF.C4123B70@ldd.net> Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2000 15:18:55 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: http://i-want-a-website.com X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Cartoonix: Anatomy of a Ziff-Davis Pundit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Cartoonix: Anatomy of a Ziff-Davis Pundit March 22, 2000 After Humorix's stock (Nasdaq: FAUX) plummeted to less than one cent yesterday, an emergency staff meeting was held at Humorix World Headquarters to find ways to increase readership. In the past, we've stolen... er, borrowed the successful ideas of other portal sites. This time is no exception. Watching with envy as other online comic strips have taken off while we still only have two regular readers, we've decided to launch our own line of editorial cartoons called "Cartoonix." This first cartoon is inspired by a recent Jesse OutBerst[1]. Before we present the cartoon, we need to offer a heartfelt thank you to Jesse Berst and the rest of the Ziff-Davis gang for providing an endless stream of articles to poke fun at over the years. Without Ziff-Davis, our supply of humor would have dried up by now. Jesse Berst warns that Linux could fragment. Maybe this pundit needs to take a look in the mirror... You can view the PNG format cartoon (500 x 450 pixels, 32 kilobytes) at: http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/mar00-outberst.png We tried rendering this comic in ASCII text format, but it looked horrible. Of course, with our poor drawing skills, the graphical version doesn't look like much either... [1] http://www.zdnet.com/anchordesk/story/story_4588.html --- James S. Baughn http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Sat Mar 25 03:29:39 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Sat, 25 Mar 2000 03:28:26 +0100 Received: from terra.geo.uu.nl ([131.211.29.16]:49917 "EHLO terra.geo.uu.nl") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Sat, 25 Mar 2000 03:27:57 +0100 Received: from ldd.midwest.net (root@mail.ldd.net [209.248.1.42]) by terra.geo.uu.nl (8.9.3/8.9.3/TvZ) with ESMTP id DAA14890 for ; Sat, 25 Mar 2000 03:23:11 +0100 (MET) Received: from ldd.net (IDENT:stan@mocape02-32.midwest.net [209.248.17.42]) by ldd.midwest.net (8.9.0/8.9.1) with ESMTP id UAA02355 for ; Fri, 24 Mar 2000 20:19:11 -0600 (CST) Message-ID: <38DAC6FD.93C46457@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2000 19:38:05 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: http://i-want-a-website.com X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Affordable Virtual Beowulf Cluster Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Affordable Virtual Beowulf Cluster March 23, 2000 Every nerd drools over Beowulf clusters, but very few have even seen one, much less own one. Until now, that is. Eric Gylgen, the open source hacker famous for EviL (the dancing ASCII paperclip add-on to vi), is working on a program code-named "VirtualEpicPoem" that will emulate Beowulf clusters on a standard desktop PC. "It's like any other emulator," Eric explained. "But instead of Windows bluescreens, this one emulates a 256 node Beowulf cluster. Now every nerd can purchase the hardware to build a Beowulf cluster for only a few hundred bucks." "Of course," he added candidly, "the performance of the virtual cluster will be many orders of magnitude less than a real cluster, but that's not really the point. I just want to be able to brag that I run a 256 node cluster." Eric has prior experience in this field. Last month he successfully built a real 32 node Beowulf cluster out of Palm Pilots, old TI-8x graphing calculators, various digital cameras, and even some TRS-80s. "The performance rivaled that of a Pentium 500... if, ahem, the CPU is sitting at minus 100 Celsius with all of its cache disabled." He demonstrated a pre-alpha version of his VirtualEpicPoem software yesterday at Humorix World Headquarters. His Athlon machine emulated a 256 node Beowulf cluster in which each node, running Linux, was emulating its own 16 node Beowulf cluster in which each node, running Bochs on Linux, was emulating VMWare under Windows to emulate Linux running UAE to emulate old Amiga software. The system was extremely slow, but it worked. --- James S. Baughn http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Tue Mar 28 04:43:02 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Tue, 28 Mar 2000 04:40:54 +0200 Received: from terra.geo.uu.nl ([131.211.29.16]:63461 "EHLO terra.geo.uu.nl") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Tue, 28 Mar 2000 04:40:10 +0200 Received: from ldd.midwest.net (root@mail.ldd.net [209.248.1.42]) by terra.geo.uu.nl (8.9.3/8.9.3/TvZ) with ESMTP id EAA18431 for ; Tue, 28 Mar 2000 04:35:25 +0200 (MET DST) Received: from ldd.net (IDENT:stan@mocape01-277.midwest.net [209.248.22.37]) by ldd.midwest.net (8.9.0/8.9.1) with ESMTP id UAA08665 for ; Mon, 27 Mar 2000 20:31:50 -0600 (CST) Message-ID: <38DFDB79.2F729D4A@ldd.net> Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2000 16:06:49 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: http://i-want-a-website.com X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Cockroach Squisher Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Microsoft Cockroach Squisher: The First Steps Towards WWIII? Nick Sandru, ns@sandes.dk March 27, 2000 Last month Humorix reported on Microsoft's announcement of DirectSquish(tm), the Cockroach Squishing feature to be included in BloatOffice 2005. Microsoft spokesdroids have showcased DirectSquish as form of entertainment for BloatOffice users (who otherwise would face two options: die of stress-induced illnesses caused by bluescreens, or die of boredom caused by watching those nasty dancing paperclips). According to our sources, however, DirectSquish serves a far more sinister purpose that Microsoft is keeping under a thick veil of secrecy. Some pundits have argued that DirectSquish is a feature designed to destroy bugs (allegedly a kind of genetically engineered grasshoppers, or GEGs) planted by Humorix's Vast Spy Network(tm). This is not entirely true. According to unconfirmed reports collected and transmitted by Humorix's GEGs from within Microsoft's new flagship, the "M.S.S. Windooze 2K"[1], the Cockroach Squisher software is an experimental scaled-down prototype of a new class of weapons devised by Microsoft to eliminate its competitors. The data collected so far provides reliable evidence that Microsoft is in the process of fitting its new Y2K-class ships "M.S.S. Worldisourstorule" and "M.S.S. Excelsibur" with full-size weapons based on DirectSquish technology that are programmed to exterminate penguins, gnus, gnomes, gimps, cameleons, fire-breathing dragons, and little cute daemons. The two ships, currently being fitted at the Microsoft shipyard near Redmond, WA, constitute the main component of a battle group Bill Gates is preparing for a secret mission. It is almost certain that the group's first destination will be the penguin breeding grounds in Finland and California and the reservation of gnus in Massachusetts. At a recent Microsoft fleet commanding officers (CO) meeting, Chairman Bill gave the general battle order for the MS-Navy to "(1) blast to atoms the penguin-ridden Silicon Valley, (2) send the Finns back into their saunas, penguins included, and (3) bomb the gnu-infested MIT back to the Jurassic era, when dinosaurs ruled the world and gnus didn't exist." He then added, "The reason I've decided to go with a naval fleet instead of nuclear 'ProfitKeeper' missiles is that I really, really love the color blue. Screen blue, that is. Blue reminds me so much of death, which is exactly what we're aiming for." [So, in other words, the BSOD is a feature, not a bug. And as such, it's the only reliable feature Windows has. -- The Editor] Despite his powerful weapons Chairman Bill is likely to encounter not only the shortcomings of his Navy, but a stiff resistance as well. Microsoft's newest Y2K-class ships are not only huge and hard to steer properly, but are also plagued by frequent breakdowns and failures caused by flaws and errors in their design and construction. For example, the MS-Navy has commissioned a new supply ship called the "M.S.S. Innovation" to follow their task force, providing assistance along the way. This ship incorporates every single bloated Microsoft "feature" (including MS Bob and Edlin) to date. Microsoft faces a large number of opponents ranging from grassroots organizations to governments. For example it is unlikely that any Microsoft Y2K-class ship will be able to squish penguins in Helsinki because the Danish government is unwilling to let the ships into Danish waters. "Think what would happen if any of those huge things would get stuck or go down in the Oeresund and Great Belt straits... all of the traffic to and from the Baltic would be blocked for weeks or even months," said one Danish government employee who wants to remain anonymous. Among Chairman Bill's opponents, GnuPeace is undoubtedly the most radical and, despite the deceiving appearance of its leader, is capable of wielding considerable power. GnuPeace's main battle fleet consists of two quite old, but powerful and reliable ships -- the "R.M.S. Emacs" and "R.M.S. GCC"[2] -- which have been repeatedly upgraded and improved for more than 15 years, joined recently by the newly commissioned "GnomeWarrior". The flagship "R.M.S. HURD" is finally undergoing sea trials after many years of construction work, but it is unlikely that it will be ready to enter service any time in the near future. While Microsoft keeps the blueprints of its ships a heavily guarded secret, GnuPeace has published its blueprints freely so that anybody can reproduce and modify them. Most navies, Microsoft included, have built ships using GnuPeace's blueprints. In fact, they are so common that most people tend to ignore their origin, a fact that infuriates the GnuPeace leader to no end. The other force opposing Microsoft is an unlikely alliance of grassroots movements, secret organizations and Fortune 500 companies, known popularily as the Open Source Movement (OSM). It is widely supposed that the force behind this alliance is a secret organization known as The Eric Conspiracy, whose purpose is nothing less than world domination. The fleet assembled by the OSM is as heterogenous as the members of the alliance. The OSM flagship is the "Bazaar", a surprisingly effective ship considering that its design is the result of the work of many hundreds of people. On the bridge of this ship stands a Jedi knight who is considered to be the chief of The Eric Conspiracy. For some reason, unlike the other Jedi knights, he wields a handgun instead of a light saber. The efficiency of the "Bazaar" technology has been demonstrated by the "Linux" (or "GNU/Linux", as GnuPeace insists on calling them) series of ships. These ships, initially designed in Finland by a student that got fed up with slaving to MS-DOG rowing boats, have proved extremly reliable and flexible, and they are the main reason for the raid planned by Chairman Bill on Finland. Another contribution to the OSM fleet is the "FreeBSD". Based on a design more than 25 years old, it has proved as reliable as the "Linux" ships. It's rather drab exterior conceals a remarkable capability to cope with huge loads -- much larger than what the shining and streamlined "Linux" are capable of handling. The "Bazaar" has been joined recently by heavyweights like the "Netscape", whose owners aim at taking the seas back from the "M.S.S. Exploder", and "Solaris". Given these opposing forces we are facing the possibility of a global confrontation: nothing less than WWIII. Thankfully, there are two factors that might prevent a world war: * The US Department of Justice. This last, but not least, Microsoft competitor is already weighing in with their two dreadnaughts, the U.S.S. Constitution and U.S.S. Free Enterprise. The admiral of this fleet, Joel Klein, says that the outcome of this confrontation might prevent future battles. * The size and weight of Microsoft weapons. Even the smaller Cockroach Squisher is so big and heavy that it is questionable that a ship fitted with this weapon would ever be able to leave port. Footnotes --------- [1] M.S.S., standing for MicroSoft Ship, is the designation for ships built at the Redmond, WA yards. [2] R.M.S. is the designation for GnuPeace ships (it's actually the initials of GnuPeace's chairman). There is no known similarity between these ships and a famed passenger liner that went down after a collision with an iceberg. In fact there are more similarities between the Microsoft ships and that liner -- namely the poor maneuverability, the insufficiency of basic safety equipment and the abundance of useless features. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Thu Mar 30 00:25:59 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Thu, 30 Mar 2000 00:24:24 +0200 Received: from terra.geo.uu.nl ([131.211.29.16]:32989 "EHLO terra.geo.uu.nl") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Thu, 30 Mar 2000 00:24:00 +0200 Received: from ldd.midwest.net (root@mail.ldd.net [209.248.1.42]) by terra.geo.uu.nl (8.9.3/8.9.3/TvZ) with ESMTP id AAA12357 for ; Thu, 30 Mar 2000 00:19:14 +0200 (MET DST) Received: from ldd.net (IDENT:stan@mocape01-218.midwest.net [209.248.17.228]) by ldd.midwest.net (8.9.0/8.9.1) with ESMTP id QAA04972 for ; Wed, 29 Mar 2000 16:14:36 -0600 (CST) Message-ID: <38E25CEB.542C75A1@ldd.net> Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 13:43:40 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: http://i-want-a-website.com X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] Beowulf Cluster Runs for President! Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list Beowulf Cluster Runs for President! Matthew "Dare to be stupid!" Adair, linux_ys@yahoo.com March 29, 2000 from the g-w-bush-equals-gwbasic dept. CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS -- At a press conference held at MIT today, two unidentified hackers unveiled the world's most powerful Beowulf cluster -- and startled the audience by announcing that the system, named THOR, is running for US President under the GNU Party platform. Said one of the hackers, "We all know that a large Beowulf cluster is extremely powerful. I would go as far as saying that our 16384-node cluster is more capable than any candidate out there. Note to mention that our computer is unable to tell lies or accept bribes. Our cluster is the best man... er, machine for the job. As the nominee for the GNU Party, THOR supports a Bazaar-style economy, no Internet taxation, strong anti-trust laws, copyright law reform, and an elimination of oppressive anti-geek laws." Reaction to the news has been mixed. One enthusiastic MIT CompSci professor said, "Al Gore has already failed the Turing Test. Many people have mistaken his monotone voice and bland, formal speeches for computer generated output. If this GNU Party cluster can pass the Turing Test (which I'm sure it will), then Al Gore won't stand a chance against it. I'm not sure about Dubya; it's hard for a computer to fake stupidity like that." However, quite a few have been quick to point out problems. One Slashdot poster commented, "A 16000-node Beowulf cluster in charge of a nation sounds cool, but couldn't this turn into another HAL?" Somebody else asked, "Why do I get the sinking feeling that this is somehow unconstitutional?" One Anonymous Coward posted, "How on earth are you going to fit a 16384-node Beowulf cluster into the Oval Office? MEEPT!" People outside of technical fields seem rather skeptical about the whole idea. Said one member of the Moral Majority(tm)(R)(C), "Why would anybody elect a machine to an office that requires moral integrity and human judgment? This is yet another attempt by radical liberals on the Left Coast to destroy our Conservative ideals! Vote for Bush and true American values!" - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Thu Mar 30 03:49:39 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Thu, 30 Mar 2000 03:48:16 +0200 Received: from smtp.kensingtonlabs.com ([170.1.185.42]:10250 "EHLO smtp.kensingtonlabs.com") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Thu, 30 Mar 2000 03:47:43 +0200 Received: from dspdev (dspdev.kenlabs.com [192.9.200.203]) by smtp.kensingtonlabs.com (8.9.3/8.9.3) with SMTP id RAA09425 for ; Wed, 29 Mar 2000 17:42:42 -0800 Message-Id: <200003300142.RAA09425@smtp.kensingtonlabs.com> From: "Kenneth Porter" To: "humorix@nl.linux.org" Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 17:42:42 -0800 X-Mailer: PMMail 2000 Professional (2.10.2010) For Windows NT (4.0.1381;3) In-Reply-To: <38E25CEB.542C75A1@ldd.net> MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Subject: Re: [humorix] Beowulf Cluster Runs for President! Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list On Wed, 29 Mar 2000 13:43:40 -0600, James Baughn wrote: >Somebody else asked, >"Why do I get the sinking feeling that this is somehow >unconstitutional?" Like the guy who couldn't marry his horse because it was under-age, THOR is going to fail the age requirement. Ken mailto:shiva@well.com http://www.sewingwitch.com/ken/ - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Fri Mar 31 01:58:05 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Fri, 31 Mar 2000 01:56:58 +0200 Received: from terra.geo.uu.nl ([131.211.29.16]:32161 "EHLO terra.geo.uu.nl") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 31 Mar 2000 01:56:15 +0200 Received: from ldd.midwest.net (root@mail.ldd.net [209.248.1.42]) by terra.geo.uu.nl (8.9.3/8.9.3/TvZ) with ESMTP id BAA11296 for ; Fri, 31 Mar 2000 01:51:21 +0200 (MET DST) Received: from ldd.net (IDENT:stan@mocape01-55.midwest.net [209.248.17.65]) by ldd.midwest.net (8.9.0/8.9.1) with ESMTP id RAA06628 for ; Thu, 30 Mar 2000 17:47:41 -0600 (CST) Message-ID: <38E3E5C4.BB06AAC7@ldd.net> Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 17:39:49 -0600 From: James Baughn Organization: http://i-want-a-website.com X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.07 [en] (X11; I; Linux 2.0.36 i586) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: [humorix] On Topic Usenet Newsgroup Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list On Topic Usenet Newsgroup John Elfrink, electricmonk@mailcity.com March 30, 2000 The Internet community was stunned yesteday when a new Linux newsgroup was announced. Though not newsworthy by itself, what made the new group unique is that it will actually be focused on discussing Linux and not just bashing Microsoft and Bill Gates. The announcement quickly spread to alt.movies.joe-vs-volcano, nearly eliminating the heated 3 month debate about what one of the four ghosts from pac-man is the best. From here the news branched out to such newsgroups as alt.wolves.hybrid and soc.college.financial-aid. Skepticism abounded in the early hours of the announcement. However, rec.collecting.cards.non-sports, a group long known for its monitoring and debunking of Internet hoaxes, quickly confirmed the news. "I was stunned," said one alt.personals.jewish user. "The last time I even remember an on topic post was probably 3 years ago in misc.forsale.computers.mac-specific.cards.video right after that big flamewar about who had the best chocolate chip cookie recipe." The Linux newsgroup is being founded by Ben Thayer, a cajun cheff from fairbainks Alaska who manages the alt.archery newsgroup, and Don Thatt, a highschool geography teacher in Naples, Florida who moderates the rec.crafts.textiles.quilting newsgroup. "Don and I have known each other from the alt.military.police newsgroup for some time now," said Mr. Thayer. "We were talking one day about how there wasn't a good place to talk about Linux ever since rec.sport.water-polo changed and started discussing the tragadies of Shakespeare." "It was actually Ben who first suggested the idea," said Mr. Thatt. "We both had experience moderating newsgroups. Ben, for instance, founded rec.autos.makers.ford.mustang as a place for people who are fans of Star Trek." The posters at alt.music.pet-shop-boys are eagerly awaiting the launch of the new Linux newsgroup. "Everyone can't wait to get started," said one user. "Even the crossposting to alt.snowmobiles has sparked interest." Preliminary work is still being done. The newsgroup should be available for posting by early next week. - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/ From owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Fri Mar 31 03:42:15 2000 Received: by humbolt.nl.linux.org id ; Fri, 31 Mar 2000 03:41:03 +0200 Received: from lx1.microbsys.com ([209.135.1.130]:19219 "EHLO lx1.microbsys.com") by humbolt.nl.linux.org with ESMTP id ; Fri, 31 Mar 2000 03:40:24 +0200 Received: from localhost (rwerner@localhost) by lx1.microbsys.com (8.9.3/8.9.3) with ESMTP id RAA22319 for ; Thu, 30 Mar 2000 17:22:47 -0800 Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 17:22:47 -0800 (PST) From: "Robert G. Werner" To: Humorix Mailing List Subject: Re: [humorix] On Topic Usenet Newsgroup In-Reply-To: <38E3E5C4.BB06AAC7@ldd.net> Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Sender: owner-humorix@nl.linux.org Precedence: bulk Reply-To: humorix@nl.linux.org Return-Path: X-Orcpt: rfc822;humorix-list ROTFLOL Robert G. Werner rwerner@lx1.microbsys.com Impeach Conggress!! Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversly with the time spent in the office. On Thu, 30 Mar 2000, James Baughn wrote: > On Topic Usenet Newsgroup > John Elfrink, electricmonk@mailcity.com > March 30, 2000 [snip] - Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/ Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/