[humorix] Microsoft Finds Solution For Lackluster Vista Sales

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Microsoft Finds Solution For Lackluster Vista Sales
April 1, 2007

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- Hoping to turn around dismal sales
trends for Windows Vista, Microsoft today announced a new
edition of the so-called operating system, Windows Vista(R)
Shiny Things Edition(tm), which will feature a $3,950 price
tag and "lots of shiny things."

According to market research, many Pointy Haired Bosses --
the prime target demographic of Microsoft products -- were
turned off by Vista's seemingly low prices.

"Revolutionary paradigm shifts are supposed to cost more
than a few hundred dollars," explained an industry analyst.
"At least that's what most corporate drones think.  If
Microsoft wants to increase sales, it's going to need to
convince pointy-hairs that Vista is the best thing since
built-in PC cup holders.  The easiest way to do that is to
increase the price and add even more useless features."

Among those useless features, Vista Shiny Things includes a
set of 5 DVDs, each containing 20% more gold than standard
discs.  The extra gold doesn't add any functionality, but it
makes buyers believe that this is a "luxury" operating
system.

"It's so simple -- developers add granite countertops to a
run-down apartment, and suddenly it becomes a 'luxury
condominium.'  Now Microsoft adds gold plating to its
run-down operating system, and suddenly it becomes a luxury
must-have software package for elite buyers."

Vista Shiny Things also includes 33% more eye candy,
including a fully 3D rendered Cancel/Allow dialog box that
includes special effects that would make George Lucas
envious.  The audio subsystem has been upgraded so that the
startup theme can be heard in 21-channel surround sound
format.

Of course, the new shiny things require an obscene level of
hardware support. But that shouldn't stop people from buying
it, even if they can't run it on their computers.

"Vista Shiny Things is like a diamond ring or a Hummer --
it's strictly for show.  Nobody expects you to actually use
the darn thing for anything practical," said somebody we
found on the street who was willing to talk to us.  "The
price tag reflects that.  This product is strictly for
keeping up with the Joneses."

--
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