[humorix] Echelon Scrapped After Finding Too Many Examples Of Government Misconduct

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Echelon Scrapped After Finding Too Many Examples Of Government Misconduct

March 8, 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The idea was simple.  Develop
the world's largest electronic surveillance system
to search for suspicious activities by criminals and
terrorists.  The resulting system, however, worked a
little too well -- it kept finding dubious
transactions that it traced back to Congress and the
White House.

Now the so-called 'Echelon' system has been
temporarily suspended until researchers can develop
a way to ignore criminal activities committed by
prominent Congressmen, while continuing to invade
everybody else's privacy.

"It's a nightmare," explained an anonymous
surveillance expert at the NSA (No Such Agency).
"Our system kept generating these tantalizing leads
-- but every time we investigated, it pointed back
to a powerful Congressman that we couldn't touch.
What a waste of time."

He or she added, "And then, just a few weeks ago,
Echelon discovered that another $1.7 billion was
missing from the reconstruction effort in Iraq.  We
assumed that terrorists were involved, until we
realized it was just the Bush Administration."

Efforts to improve the system have proven fruitless
so far. "We've upgraded to Echelon 2.0, but the
quality of our surveillance hasn't improved,"
explained a programmer at the CIA (Constitution
Infringing Agency). "The system keeps identifying
Rep. William Jefferson as a 'person of interest',
but it completely misses all of the lemonade stands
operating without a business license -- sure, they
might seem like harmless adolescent ventures, but
for all we know they could be fronts for terrorist
fundraising organizations!  That's who we need to be
watching."

Congress is clearly unhappy with the present
situation.  At a hearing earlier this week by the
House Ways and Means of Bossing People Around
Commiteee, Rep. Robert Fatcatte demanded an
explanation for why Echelon can't distinguish
between terrorists and Congressmen.

The poor schmuck sent by the NSA to testify, Mr.
Skay Puhgoat, responded, "It's a surprisingly
difficult problem.  When you build a system capable
of monitoring every telephone call, Internet packet,
GPS receiver and surveillance camera worldwide in
real-time, you're going to get a bunch of false
positives.  This would be a lot easier if we had
more funding."

After the hearings, the NSA, CIA, and FBI (Federally
Botched Intelligence) agreed to suspend Echelon
until the system can be made foolproof and
Congressproof, a feat that isn't expected to be
accomplished until at least Echelon version 5.0 in
three years or so.

"For now, we're reverting back to the old standbys
developed by our dear friends J. Edgar Hoover and
Joseph McCarthy," explained a source at the FBI.
"Tapping phone lines, infiltrating enemy
organization such as the ACLU, intercepting snail
mail, and accusing random people of un-American
activities -- it's all good."


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