[humorix] Satan: Sell Your Soul To Me, Not Microsoft

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Satan: Sell Your Soul To Me, Not Microsoft
November 5, 2006

HADES -- Faced with growing competition from Microsoft in the
lucrative soul-buying market, the Prince of Darkness today unveiled
a new advertising campaign hoping to lure in more customers and turn
the tables on Bill Gates.

"The Novell-Microsoft deal was the final straw," Satan said during a
press conference at his underground lair.  "Novell should have sold
their souls to me, not Microsoft.  I can offer much greater rewards
than some phony-baloney we-promise-not-to-sue covenant.  Just look
at The SCO Group: they sold their souls to Microsoft and what do
they have to show for it now?"

The last few years have been very tough for Satan. "When I look at
all of the suckers that have partnered with Microsoft, only to be
stabbed in the back repeatedly, I can only shrug my horns," he
lamented.  "Those should be *my* customers!  Between Microsoft and
the Republican Party, the competition is eating me alive!"

During the last three quarters, earnings for Hades have plummeted
45%, causing one stock analyst to downgrade Hades (ticker symbol:
HELL) from "Strong Buy" to "Exorcise From Your Portfolio
Immediately."  The added competition from Microsoft and others has
caused the futures market for souls to skyrocket, cutting profit
margins severely for Hades.

"Fire and brimstone ain't cheap," Satan growled.  "I need cheap
souls to perform the grunt work that keeps this place going."

Nevertheless, the Prince of Darkness hopes that the situation will
improve thanks to an advertising blitz highlighting the advantages
of selling out.

"Need cash now?" asks one TV commercial.  "Don't mess with
high-interest loans... we've got the solution to your money problems
right here.  In just fifteen minutes and with your signature in
blood, you can have all of the money you need!"

Another spot proclaims, "You only have one soul -- sell it wisely.
There's a reason The Devil has been the market leader for the last
two millennia.  We offer much better rewards than the competition.
Don't delay, call Hades today!  Minions are standing by."

Industry observers expressed mixed reactions at the news.  "I'm glad
that we're seeing such viable competition," said an analyst for the
Blartner Group. "For centuries, mortals have faced the unpleasant
challenge of trying to sell their souls in a buyer's market.  All of
that has changed now that Satan no longer has a stranglehold."

However, a rival pundit said, "This is terrible.  It's bad enough
that Satan represents pure evil, but now we have a corporation that
is even worse!  When will the insanity end?"

A slave... er, spokesperson for Microsoft was unavailable for
comment at press time.


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