[humorix] Check Your Genes: A Short Guide to Living a Patented Life

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Check Your Genes: A Short Guide to Living a Patented Life
By Justin Morgan

This pamphlet was found in the Time Travel division of the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It is rumored to have
fallen through an accidentally-synthesized wormhole.

In today's era of ownership, it is vital that you and your
partner have checked your genes for potential violations. Use
this guide to help you enjoy a lawsuit-free life and to
protect both your own existence and that of your children's
children's children.

To assist you in the checking process, you can pay a one-off
fee of US$3,500 per person to obtain a gene-checking pack,
including patented tools that you are licensed to use to scan
your chromosomes for patented genes. You will need a copy of
your personal genome; this can be obtained on DVD for a
one-time fee of $7,200. See your family physician.

If you suspect or know for certain that your partner harbors
patented genetic code, it is advisable to cease contact.
Illegal offspring are the sole intellectual property of the
patent holders and are subject to fines of up to $30,000 per
violating gene. Even if there is no risk of illegal pregnancy,
the DNA of patented individuals is present in all cells shed
by the individual. If you are found to be harboring any such
cells, you may be subject to a patent violation yourself. If
you must continue contact, make sure to keep a fair distance
from the individual and wash thoroughly before entering a ten
mile radius of a lawyer.

If you yourself transpire to be the harborer of patented
genes, there are a number of options open to you. Above all,
keep away from all of your relations, lest they contract
patented cells themselves. You should then seek the advice of
a lawyer that you trust (if you have not yet befriended a
lawyer, hang around downtown Seattle for fifteen minutes and
accost the first one that hiccups). Make sure to wear
protective clothing - particularly a face mask. The lawyer
will attempt to negotiate the license fees for you, which will
be less expensive than what you might pay following a lawsuit.
However, the outlay of legal expenses makes the initial cost
unappealing. Do not let it be prohibitive, unless you are
resigned to the life of a fugitive. Remember - any contact you
make with anything else leaves a trace that can be followed by
forensic investigators, who work for the gene companies. While
death is the only sure-fire way to avoid the legal expenses,
it is possible to eke out an existence in a lawyer-proof cave
in the Himalayas.

In the event of the conception of a patented individual,
abortion is an immediate step to take. It is a good idea to go
to a hospital whose employees you trust. Many hospitals are
funded or 'sponsored', or have employees employed by, the gene
companies. Some gene companies are commencing a crack-down on
abortions that go through the system without license fees, and
they usually charge for a whole year of the baby's life.

If, for some reason, it is too late for an abortion, do not
attempt to murder the child. If this happens, the license fees
will immediately be passed on to the next of the kin. You do
not want this to happen.  After the initial fine, illegal
children incur license fees of around $500 per year, plus a
compensatory fee of $95,000 to be paid any time before the
death of the offspring (incurring interest at 23.5%). If the
child dies before this fee is paid, additional compensation of
around $7,500 is usually necessary to compensate the
compensation.

Transgenetica Corporation has a slightly different licensing
policy to the standard tariff described above. If it owns a
gene in a human body, then of course, no unauthorized copying
is allowed without the required license and the fee therewith
associated. The human body is constantly duplicating cells in
order to replace them, in a process known as mitosis. Each
time it does this, it makes a copy of the DNA within the cell,
which constitutes an unauthorized duplication. In the same way
that incidental copies of music files require a separate
license, Transgenetica charges around $5 (depending on the
individual in question) for each cell duplication. In the case
of a tumor - e.g. a person with cancer - the licensing costs
can be enormous. In this eventuality it is often better to
leave the cancer untreated than to face the legal costs,
though do check your state laws on passive euthanasia, as you
may be convicted for murder, or worse, intellectual property
violation.

In addition, the duplication of DNA is subject to random
fluctuations - much like file corruption on computers. Since
Transgenetica successfully proved this to be an example of the
creation of a derivative work (in Transgenetica vs Church of
Latter-Day Saints 2047), it charges again - at a variable
tariff - for these discrepancies. Other companies are
considering the change-over to a licensing policy similar to
Transgenetica's (unfortunately, the lawyers necessary to
administrate the policy is gargantuan; and lawyers are
currently in short supply and high demand).

Watch out for rogue genetic surgeons. Many claim to be able to
reverse-engineer the patented genes to a state that is not
patented, but few are legitimate. Many work for the gene
companies in disguise. Even if this is not the case, they are
often prone to engineering a gene into a state that is also
patented, or engineering other genes into a patented state.
They may also charge enormous fees for their work, since their
techniques are patented. If you find such a company with what
seems like a bargain price for their services ($45,000 is
probably the threshold at which to be wary), keep away. They
are probably not paying the license fees for the genetic
engineering techniques. If they are caught, the lawyers will
be forced to sue everyone in a fifteen mile radius of their
practice (under the Proximity-Related Liability Amendment).

Remember that even if you have checked your genes today,
patents may exist that have not yet made it to the public
register. Allow up to 18 months. Thus, if your genes were
clear at conception, be sure to check again when the baby is
nine months old. If a patent emerges in the public register at
this point that matches one of those in the child, remember
that ignorance is no defense, and follow the advice as above.

Further advice is probably necessary on the subject of
animals. Avoid pets. Do not purchase, trade or associate with
animals, especially domesticated ones. Keep away from the
agricultural industry. More non-human organisms are patented
than humans, so avoid contact at all costs. If you live in the
country, it is imperative that you move to a city. Apartments
are best - they are not only the cheapest option, but they are
certain to be free of a garden. Cultivated land is to be
avoided at all costs, since unintentional wind or insect
pollination may occur with patented crops; the only bush that
you can reasonably remain in contact with is George.

It is consistently proved that incidental genetic violations
have a higher Total Cost of Ownership than incidentally
hearing music in the city (on that note, make sure you wear
approved noise-removal ear-plugs when walking around in the
city; they may be patented, and hence expensive, but they are
the only defense against straying too close to a cinema, for
example).

Going on holiday? Do not consider anywhere in Africa, Asia,
the Pacific or even South America. Not only are these
continents rife with agriculture (see above), but they will
almost always require vaccination against exotic diseases.
Such patented vaccines are extortionate, and should not be
touched with an eleven-foot bamboo stick. In addition, ever
since the patenting of malaria, not to mention that of the
mosquito bite, the cost of insect repellent has become
astronomical.

By 2055, it is expected that 68% of activities you took for
granted fifty years ago will be illegal. 60% of these will be
for intellectual property reasons; 40% will be a consequence
of the War on Terror. By 2087 it is expected that the cost of
living will have risen so high that only lawyers and
politicians will be able to afford to live. Therefore, the
single most important piece of advice you can receive now is
to get your children into law school. Their lives depend on
it.

If you require any further information or advice, contact your
local doctor or your lawyer. Do not use the Internet to
research this topic. The Government's compulsory spyware
package (Windows only) will detect immediately if you have
been within three clicks of the EFF. And remember: always
check your genes.


--
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