[humorix] Pointy Haired Boss Issues Press Releases About His Personal Life

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Pointy Haired Boss Issues Press Releases About His Personal Life
May 8, 2006

Things are pretty slow here at Humorix.  Jon Splatz took a
lunch break last year and hasn't been seen since. Our
attorney, Noah Morals, has remained out of sight after losing
his 500th lawsuit. And our investigative reporter, Dances With
Herring, is deep undercover at Google World Headquarters.
[Oops, maybe we shouldn't have revealed that].

We might be short on staff, but we're not short on incoming
spam^H^H^H^Hpress releases from worthless Sillycon Valley
companies. During the last several months, we've received an
amusing series of announcements from a certain corporate
executive who likes to see his name in print.  We've copied a
few of these press releases below and provided a rough
translation for each.


* Dill To From Strategic Alliance With Lindgren

-- For Immediate Release --

In a move designed to increase personal satisfaction
dividends, Mr. Bert Dill is pleased to announce a merger with
Miss Maria Lindgren, effective June 15, 2005, at a ceremony in
Hawaii.

"This new partnership will leverage our core competencies to
produce additional value for our friends and future
subsidiary offspring," Dill said.

Dill, the public relations director of Proactive Synergy
Paradigms, Inc., earned a master's degree in business
administration from the University of North-Central Nebraska.
Lindgren, the only daughter of Swedish immigrants, currently
works as a lingerie model and was featured on the January 2005
cover of Bodacious Babes Magazine.

Upon completion of the merger, the newly incorporated family
unit will reside in Palo Alto, California.

[Translation: Mr. Dill has found a trophy wife to marry.]


* Dill Family Relocates To New World Headquarters Complex

Anticipating strong growth during the next several quarters,
the Dill Family has obtained financing to relocate world
headquarters operations to a new complex in Mountain View with
upgraded amenities.

"We will increase our staffing levels by 50% during the coming
month as our new subsidiaries, Hunter and Tyndall, are
expected to be delivered by my partner Maria's supply chain in
early December 2005," Bert Dill explained.   "The new location
will provide maximized benefits for our growing endeavors."

To raise capital for the project, Dill solicited bids from
investors worldwide.  The winning bidder, the Third Bank of
Milpitas, offered a best-of-breed investment package featuring
a 30-year negative-amortizing loan product that minimizes
monthly payments while leveraging low-risk real estate
appreciation forecasts to increase Dill's equity and total
market capitalization.

[Translation: The family is buying a "McMansion" using a toxic
loan that Bert must have seen advertised on late-night TV.
Also, the wife is expecting twins.]


* Dill Family Invests $500K In Capital Improvements

Hoping to take advantage of favorable market trends, the Dill
Family has completed the acquisition of over $500K worth of
capital improvements, including precious metal ornamentations,
upgraded apparel products, and entertainment opportunities for
subsidiary operations.

"These purchases will elevate our fashion quotient among our
neighbors and colleagues, providing a supportive environment
for successful business transactions and positive
person-to-person relationship outcomes," said Bert Dill.

[Translation: The wife went on a shopping spree to buy lots of
shiny things to show off to her friends.]


* Dill Graduates From Personal Enrichment Training

Bert Dill is pleased to announce the successful completion of
a program of study at the prestigious Mayo Clinic. The
program, conducted at the institutes's award-winning alcohol
dependency center, fulfills the requirements of a recent court
order while providing multiple dividends for Dill and his
associates.

"As a result of this happy occasion, I am no longer dominated
by a chemical dependency and can experience a richer lifestyle
going forward while maintaining a higher degree of mental
acuity," Dill said after emerging from a conference with his
probation officer.

[Translation: The husband pulled a Kennedy and was busted for
driving under the influence.  He somehow finished a rehab
program for his alcoholism.]


* Dill Family Reorganizes To Reduce Costs

Facing unexpected downward market pressures, the Dill Family
has undertaken a massive restructuring program to reduce costs
while maximizing asset appreciation. Utilizing a strategic
partnership with a financial consulting firm, Dill has
successfully reduced monthly debt service obligations nearly
39% by leveraging a proactive refinancing and loan
consolidation system.

Moreover, Dill has implemented a critical paradigm shift by
eliminating underperforming budget allocations, including
orbital video transfer services, on-demand caregiving and
sanitation services for subsidiary operations, and periodic
appearance management consultations.

In order to increase cash flow parameters, Dill has also
spearheaded a simple but effective action item that includes a
public offering of various surplus assets in an informal
market setting.  The first of these events raised a net profit
of $874, with two additional public offerings programmed for
the coming fiscal year.

Dill Family spokesman Bert Dill says that the organization
hopes to achieve overall profitability within the next six
months.

[Translation: The new house, the two kids, the wife's shopping
sprees, and the husband's alcoholism have wiped out the
family's fortune, if any.  The husband refinanced their
mortgage, dropped satellite TV service, fired the nanny, and
cut off the wife's weekly manicures and facials.  Oh, and they
got rid of a bunch of crap at a yard sale.]


* Dill Announces Divestiture Of Subsidiaries

In response to growing hostility and underlying financial
instabilities, Bert Dill has announced that partner Maria and
subsidiaries Hunter and Tyndall have been spun off to form an
independent family unit.  A court decree authorizing this
transaction will take effect May 5, 2006.

Under negotiated terms of the deal, Bert Dill will retain 50%
of accumulated assets, but will contribute monthly investment
payments to Maria Lindgren for the continued growth and
development of both subsidiary operations until they achieve
legal independence.

"While this situation is regrettable," Dill said, "It will
ensure tranquility for all involved parties and mitigate the
negative consequences of previous business activities."

Ms. Lindgren responded, "Go to Hell, you fruitcake!  I knew it
was a mistake to marry anybody with an MBA.  God I hate
businessmen.  I only wish I had filed for divorce months
ago!"  She then added, "And if you keep issuing stupid press
releases about me or my kids, you're going to find my left
foot in the crack of your asset balance sheet!"


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