[humorix] Welcome To The World Of Drive-Through Law Offices

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Welcome To The World Of Drive-Through Law Offices
February 14, 2006

LINDON, UTAH -- In what could be the First Sign of the
Apocalypse, a Utah entrepreneur has opened the world's
first drive-through law office.  With the ability to serve
six lanes of traffic at the same time, the new "Stop 'N
Sue" center hopes to make filing for a lawsuit as easy as
picking up a hamburger.

"We're trying to take the torture out of tort law," said
Ernest Lionel, the brainchild behind the patent-pending
Stop 'N Sue system.  He added, "Wow, that's a great line I
just made up.  I'll have to remember to trademark it
during my lunch break.  Speaking of trademarks, we're
running a one-day-only 50% off special on all trademark
applications..."

When a customer first pulls in, they see a large menu
board advertising the company's specialties, including
divorce petitions, wills (in medium, large, and
extra-large sizes), and even a combo deal that allows
great-grandmothers to defend themselves against unjust
RIAA lawsuits while receiving a free tax shelter.

"For too long, the American legal system has been
unreachable to the average American," said company
spokeswoman Sue Peena.  "We want to let ordinary people
participate in mankind's greatest creation, tort law. By
making it drop-dead easy to file a lawsuit from the
comfort of your own SUV, we are ushering in a whole new
era of peace and prosperity."

During its first week, business at the Stop 'N Sue has
been slow.  But Mr. Lionel expects that customers will
start appearing in droves once the word gets out.  "In the
old days, you could waste half a day in a law office
preparing to sue your neighbor for infringing on your
property values by allowing his grass to grow 3 microns
too tall.  But with Stop 'N Sue, you can initiate
litigation in a matter of minutes while heading across
town to pick up your kids at soccer practice."

"And even if you don't have any particular lawsuit in
mind, we can still help.  Our friendly associates can
brainstorm potential lawsuit targets in less than five
minutes. I don't care who you are, we'll find somebody for
you to sue. We guarantee it!"  He quickly added,
"Guarantee not valid in most states."

The company has long-term plans to open franchises
worldwide. Meanwhile, Lionel hopes to start lobbying local
governments to adopt a similar drive-through system for
their courthouses. "The whole court system could be
radically streamlined by offering drive-through trials for
routine civil cases.  Why should busy Americans be forced
to waste their time walking into a courtroom when they can
litigate just as easily from behind the wheel?"


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