[humorix] Study: Linux Exposure Causes Insanity

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Study: Linux Exposure Causes Insanity
August 3, 2005

"Linux is unsafe at any refresh rate."

That's the summary of the latest report from the prestigious
Blartner Group, this time warning that prolonged exposure to Linux
and other Open Source projects can cause "severe, irreversible
mental illness."

Take, for instance, The SCO Group.  What started as Caldera, an
innocuous Linux distributor, quickly turned into TSG, an obviously
insane institution suffering from paranoid delusions of copyright
infringements.

"Linux caused Caldera's upper management to jump off the deep
end," said the report's author, Bill Blartner.  "If it can happen
to them, it can happen to you."

In the report, Blartner coined yet another acronym, PLAGUE
(Prolonged Linux Activity Generating Unstable Emotions) to
describe the effects of Linux contamination.

"This PLAGUE can spread to even the most stable and reputable
organizations, such as a legal firm," he argued.  "We can only
find one plausible explanation for why  high-powered lawyers would
agree to pursue the SCO non-case, and that's sudden insanity
brought about by exposure to Linux.  It's just that simple."

The report also describes how the PLAGUE can cause "ordinary
business school graduates" to believe in the fairy tale that they
can make money by developing and giving away software for free.
This bizarre attitude, according to Blartner, "is only one small
step away from full-blown anti-American Communist psychotic
propaganda."

Blartner has been unable to pinpoint the origin of the PLAGUE,
although he suspects that the GNU Project is primarily responsible
for spreading it. "Richard M. Stallman has a lot of explaining to
do.  This epidemic is rapidly spreading through the tech industry
and will require serious government regulation to stop."

While most members of the Linux community ignore the Blartner
Group with a passion, some Linux longhairs did take time to
express outrage at the organization's latest anti-Linux assault.
"Let's face it, the only insane people are the pointy-haired
bosses that swallow everything Blartner produces even though every
report has turned out 100% wrong," said one.  "At least a stopped
clock is right twice a day; Blartner can't even match that!"


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