[humorix] Apple + Intel = Microsoft Conspiracy Theory

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Apple + Intel = Microsoft Conspiracy Theory
June 9, 2005

HUMORIX WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- Shouting "I told you so!" and
"The end is near!", staff members of the Humorix Vast
Conspiracy Theory Research Division were shocked and
appalled by the news that Apple is going to start shacking
up with Intel.

The "Inpple" development fits perfectly with our Microsoft
Conspiracy Theory #36,712,380, the most sinister conspiracy
theory ever devised by Humorix that hasn't been discredited
within five minutes [1].  Ever since Microsoft invested $250
million in Apple in 1997, the company that wants you to
"Think Different" has been thinking more and more along the
same old lines as Microsoft.

"It's all fitting into place," said Mennon Black, head
conspiriologist. "With Apple joining Intel, and Sun laying
down arms against Microsoft, the vastly inferior Wintel
world has just achieved total world domination.  I knew
this was going to happen."

It should come as no surprise that the unholy alliance of
Apple's Reality Distortion Field and Intel's Stupid
Four-Bar Jingle Inside will provide a win-win situation for
Microsoft.  For those brave souls that decide to try Mac OS
X-86 Edition, they can always wipe the hard drive and
install Windows if they don't like Apple's operating
system.

Meanwhile, Microsoft can cut costs by getting rid of its
"problem customers" that are always pestering tech support
with their petty complaints about corrupted registries or
spyware programs that distribute child porn.  Now these
customers will be shunted to Intel-based Macs, but they
will still buy plenty of other Microsoft products that will
be readily available for X-86.

Either way, Microsoft wins.

"That is why this conspiracy is so horrible, terrible,"
said Ere Rashunull, summer intern conspiriologist.  "By
pulling the strings on Apple, Intel, and Sun, Microsoft has
created the perfect climate for maintaining its monopoly
but without actually breaking anti-trust laws. After all,
Apple will provide plenty of competition -- wink, wink."

And what about Linux and open source?  "Well, on the plus
side, Linux will likely run on the new Apple 86 platform
just fine. But it will feel like an '86 vintage machine --
you won't be able to do anything interesting because of the
crippleware DRM that will come standard with every new
Intel Inside system."

Despite the sheer elegance of the conspiracy theory, not
everybody believes it.  In his current column, Robert X.
Cringely Incarnation #57 writes, "There is no conspiracy.
Apple still represents a viable competitor to Microsoft.
Nothing to see here, move along."

Meanwhile, Cringely Incarnation #124 rants, "Those Linux
long-haired hippie freaks will seize on any opportunity to
bring out yet another long-haired hippie freaky conspiracy
theory.  Just because improbably events occur doesn't mean
that somebody is attempting world  conquest.  The Red Sox
won the World Series.  Deep Throat's secret is no longer
very deep. Slashdot went a whole day without posting a
dupe.  These things are not that big a deal."


[1] http://humorix.org/articles/2005/03/apple-conspiracy/


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