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[humorix] Windows vs. Linux: An Unbiased Review
Windows vs. Linux: An Unbiased Review
A Review by Cody "EEDOK" Hollis-Perdue
mr [dot] eedok [at] gmail [dot] com
After hearing all of the hype about Linux, I decided to give
it a try. That was my first mistake. I soon realized that
Linux has more flavors than you can shake a stick at.
I asked a computer savvy friend which was best, and he
chuckled and said "Try OpenBSD." He told me that "OpenBSD is
the most secure operating system that civilians can legally
use," so I decided to install it and see how it compared with
Windows.
* ACQUISITION:
To get OpenBSD, I had to go to their website and choose
between so many disks. I eventually settled on the 3.6 ISO
and burned it to a CD. The whole time I felt like a dirty
criminal.
Windows, on the other hand, was much less painful, as there
were only two versions to choose from: Windows XP Home
Cheapskate Edition and Windows XP Professional Enhanced
Deluxe Plus! Edition. I chose smartly and took the
Professional Edition, paying the cashier only $400 for it.
The process was simple and I left the store feeling like an
upstanding citizen.
Winner: Windows
* INSTALLATION:
I'll start with Windows. To put Windows on your computer is
relatively straightforward: You hit ENTER a few times to
agree to wipe out your existing data and sell your soul.
Then you enter your serial number, make a typo, and have to
try again about 5-6 times. Later, the install will suddenly
crash without explanation and you repeat the process.
Overall, it takes only about 3 hours.
If Windows had a title screen before the install, it would be
much like OpenBSD 3.6: Welcome to Hell on Earth. The
installation lures you into thinking all is going well until
it hits you with OpenBSD's most reliable security method: the
Dumb Sysadmin Prevention System. In short, OpenBSD's install
is so hard that you need to be genius to complete it, thus
eliminating the cause of the majority of security issues --
dumb sysadmins. I must say it works rather well.
The OpenBSD install seems simple at first. But after blindly
hitting ENTER a few dozen times, you reach fdisk. What is
fdisk, you ask? At first glance, it looks a tool that allows
you to preserve some of your hard drive's data, while making
it possible to have multiple operating systems co-exist
peacefully.
Hardly. The ugly truth is that fdisk is a hell-spawned
minion that will ravage your brain, cause general mayhem, and
make you want to replace the word "fuck" with "fdisk" as the
F-word of choice in your cursing vocabulary.
Once through the complete hell of fdisk, you think the
madness is over. Not so fast. Next comes the devil himself
known as disklabel, to wreak even more havoc on your puny
existence. This program serves no purpose other than to
cause general confusion while suddenly forcing your
installation to fail (although, unlink Windows, it does
provide a reason for the failure).
If, by some miracle, you are able to emerge intact from fdisk
and disklabel, the rest of the install is a piece of cake --
but you'll never be the same again.
Winner: Windows
* FIRST BOOT:
During the Windows first boot, you are prompted to set up
things like networking, automatic updates and such, which is
all just a ploy to send your personal information to
Microsoft. Soon you reach an appealing desktop environment,
designed by blind children (God bless Microsoft for allowing
disabled children the opportunity to work on their products).
The OpenBSD first boot takes you to a cold black-and-white
command line, with no support for a mouse or windows.
(Apparently, you can obtain an archaic desktop by using
something called "X". Or so the rumor goes.)
Winner: Windows
* BOOTUP SPEED:
OpenBSD boots up really quickly. In fact, it's so fast I
can't get up and grab a cup of coffee before it finishes.
Windows, however, loads slow enough to do this... and I
really like my coffee.
Winner: Windows
* INCLUDED PROGRAMS
- Web browser:
OpenBSD comes with a text based browser called lynx, which is
limited in functionality. Windows comes with Internet
Explorer. Let's face it: Internet Explorer is a hunk of crap.
Winner: OpenBSD
- Text editor:
Windows comes with Notepad, a great easy-to-use text editor.
So what if the file size is limited to 32 KB? That's all you
need.
OpenBSD comes with vi, another hell-spawned weapon of evil
which causes mayhem and kills kittens every time a user
attempts to do something productive with it. Using vi is
about as pleasant as a trip to the dentist for back-to-back
root canals, without anesthetics. It should come as no
surprise that vi is part of OpenBSD's Dumb Sysadmin
Prevention System, making it nearly impossible for mortals to
cause damage by recklessly editing system configuration
files.
Winner: Windows
- Graphics editing:
Windows comes with Paint, the almighty graphic editors of the
graphics gods and goddesses. Enough said.
Winner: Windows
- Multimedia:
Windows has Windows Movie Maker, Windows Sound recorder,
Windows Media Player and more. OpenBSD has ???? and ????.
It isn't very functional at doing anything.
Winner: Windows
- Games:
Windows comes with top quality games, such as Solitaire and
Minesweeper, whereas OpenBSD comes with things like fortune,
banner and hack.
Winner: Too close to call
* UPTIME:
My Windows computer stays on until I go to bed, when I shut
it off. My OpenBSD box stays on for days and days on end,
because I can't figure out how to turn the damn thing off!
Winner: Windows
* OVERALL:
After my intensive testing of one install of OpenBSD, I can
conclude without a doubt that Linux is not ready for the
desktop. Maybe if they added some blush or other cosmetics,
it might fare better.
Everyone should know that Windows is the only real operating
system out there and will be the only one to gain acceptance
from anyone. Now, if only Internet Explorer went through the
same quality control as the other programs like Paint and
Solitaire...
[Editor's Note: The author is not affiliated with Sys-Con.]
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