[humorix] Congress Passes Ban On April Fool's Day

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Congress Passes Ban On April Fool's Day
April 1, 2005

WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CLUELESSNESS -- The Senate voted today
in favor of the Increasing American Productivity To Help The
Children Act (HB398069), which will criminalize the "plotting
and/or execution of pranks, hoaxes, and other humor-related
activities on the first of April."

The sponsor of the bill, Sen. Fattecat (R-Microsoft's Back
Pocket), hopes that the measure will put an end to the
"horrible waste of resources" that result from ill-conceived
April Fool's Day jokes.  During testimony last week in front of
the Senate Committee For Sucking Up To Large Corporations, Bill
Gates argued that "April Fool's Day jokes cost the American
economy over $1.2 billion in lost productivity each year."

"Besides," he added, "These jokes make me look bad, and I hate
that."

Representatives from the MPAA, RIAA, BSA, IPHAA, and various
other enemy groups also spoke in favor of the bill.  Said one
vulture from the IPHAA, "The constant barrage of parodies
against our esteemed organizations is simply sickening. The
Founding Fathers would be appalled that their concept of 'free
speech' was being perverted in this way.  It's time to put a
stop to the madness."

The Internal Revenue Service also championed the bill.  "Every
April 1st, millions of people send bogus tax returns, costing
millions of dollars to sort through and reject.  These
frivolous returns would no longer pose a problem if April 1st
was banned and these criminal pranksters put behind bars."

[Editor's Note: Why would anybody need to file a frivolous
return? We all know Form 1040 is the biggest joke in Western
civilization.]

After the Senate passed the bill, it was quickly discovered
that the study Bill Gates cited about "$1.2 billion in lost
productivity" was actually an April Fool's Day spoof that had
propagated out of control.  However, the Senate refused to
reconsider its vote.

"We don't make mistakes. And we certainly don't admit
mistakes," said Sen. Mia Shill (D-Hollywood's Back Pocket).
"If we admitted a mistake, that could seriously compromise
national security and harm the children."

Microsoft stock (Nasdaq: MSFT) rose 1.5% in response to the
news, until investors discovered that the story was exclusively
posted to an obscure website with the word "humor" in the
domain name and was therefore... just as trustworthy as
Forbes.  The stock then climbed another 3.5% in late trading.

Eric Smith contributed to this report.


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