[humorix] Microsoft Issues Warning Against April Fool's Day Jokes

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Microsoft Issues Warning Against April Fool's Day Jokes
March 31, 2005

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In a harshly worded statement,
Microsoft today warned that the company would
"aggressively defend its trademarks against any
unauthorized April Fool's Day jokes, parodies, satires,
hoaxes, lampoons, gags, japes, capers, pranks, larks,
farces, wisecracks, frolics, mockeries, takeoffs, send
ups, humor items, or fake news stories."

"We've had it up to here with April Fool's Day," said a
Microsoft spokesperson.  "This so-called holiday does
not give people the right to infringe our intellectual
property for humor purposes."

According to research by the Humorix Vast Spy
Network(tm), the new policy was personally spearheaded
by Bill Gates after he counted 413 different Microsoft
hoaxes across the Internet last April 1st.  We
interviewed the friend of the janitor of the accountant
of Bill Gates' secretary, who reported that Gates was
overheard saying last year, "I'm the richest man in the
world.  I'm sick of trying to earn respect, I'm going to
enforce respect by court order!"

As part of the anti-parody initiative, Microsoft quieted
registered trademarks on every conceivable variation of
its brand names, including Might-go-soft(R),
Microsucks(R), Microhard(R), Microsnot(R), Winblows(R),
Windoze(R), Losedows(R), Curtains for Windows(R),
Internet Exploiter(R), Internet Exploder(R),
Aieeeee!(R), LookOut!(R), AccessDenied(R), Hexcel(R),
PoorPoint(R), PowerPunt(R), Microsoft Notwork(R),
.NOT(R), Blue Screen of Death(R), Illegal Exception(R),
and even Total Cost of 0wn3rship(R).

"It's going to be very hard for anybody to write a
Microsoft parody without violating one of our new
trademarks," said a Microsoft lawyer who relocated to an
office in Washington, D.C., just next door to the
USPTO.  "And the minute somebody tries, they will
quickly find themselves staring down the barrel of my
12-page Cease & Desist letter with laser-guided
subpoena."

Reaction to the new policy has been mostly indifferent.
Explained one humorologist at the University of
South-Central Rhode Island who is currently researching
April Fool's Day meme propagation,  "Microsoft jokes are
*so* 1999.  They peaked just before the anti-trust trial
and have since been replaced by parodies of various
Hollywood trade associations and their pet Congressmen.
As usual, Microsoft is way behind the curve."

"While this does pose a serious First Amendment
quandry," said one industry observer, "I don't think it
will matter.  After all, virus writers and spyware
creators have done more to humiliate Microsoft than any
fake news reporter could ever hope to achieve."


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