[humorix] Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #36,712,380

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #36,712,380
March 24, 2005

We've always believed in Ballmer's Law: The number of
possible Microsoft conspiracy theories doubles every 18
months. This time, the Humorix Vast Conspiracy Theory
Research Division(tm) has uncovered the most sinister,
diabolical, mind-twisting conspiracy theory in history...
since last Monday.

"It's evil, pure evil," said Mennon Black, chief
conspiriologist.  "It all started in 1997 when Microsoft
invested $250 million in Apple. Now, with the rising
popularity of Mac OS X and the so-called 'iPod halo effect',
the conspiracy is truly coming to fruition."

The theory works something like this:

1. Microsoft buys shares in Apple, providing a much-needed
revenue boost, and allowing Apple to produce a superior
operating system.

2. Mac OS X siphons off support from Linux and other
Microsoft competitors, while encouraging unwanted "problem
customers" to move away from Windows.

3. ???

4. Profit!!!

"Microsoft has always strugged with 'problem customers',
those users that are constantly complaining about their
systems but don't have the initiative to try something else,"
Black explained.  "They have unrealistic expectations for
Windows, such as believing that you should be able to connect
to the Internet for more than five seconds without getting
slammed by script kiddies."

"Clearly, these malcontents are a drain on Microsoft's profit
margins. They are more likely to study the fine print of the
EULAs and bitch about losing their Constitutional rights.
However, by gently nudging these troublemakers into the
direction of Apple, Microsoft can increase its profit margins
by inserting even more questionable clauses into future EULAs
without drawing attention.  Meanwhile, since Microsoft owns a
portion of Apple, the proceeds will still eventually reach
Bill Gates' bank account."

The truly diabolical aspect of the plan, however, is the
end-run against Linux.  Even Linus Torvalds has succumbed to
the siren song of Mac hardware.

"Open source is a looming threat against Microsoft's
bend-over-and-enjoy-it policy of software licensing," ranted
assistant conspiriologist N. Saine.  "But Mac OS X represents
a compromise, with just enough open source to keep the geeks
happy, but just enough proprietary licensing to keep the
lawyers and  bean counters happy."

The next step in the conspiracy is not entirely clear,
although our conspiracy theorists expect that it will involve
wave after wave of killer patent lawsuits.  "Once the dust
settles, there will only be two remaining legal operating
systems: Windows for the masses, and Mac OS X as the token
opposition intended to pacify 'problem customers' while
keeping them in line."

In related news, the Humorix Vast Conspiracy Theory Research
Division is still feverishly working on the Grand Unified
Conspiracy Theory of Everything (GUCTOE). "We thought we had
it two years ago," Black said.  "But we ran into a firewall.
We've been able to successfully unite  Elvis Sightings, JFK
Assasination, The Illuminati,  Microsoft, Jet Contrails, and
Water Fluoridation,  but we can't get a handle on Alien
Abductions."



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