[humorix] Don't Like Talking To Tech Support? Hire An Agent!

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Don't Like Talking To Tech Support?  Hire An Agent!
March 21, 2005

SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS -- Linn Gwist is the master of dealing
with tech support. He knows the lingo, the shortcuts, and
the right time to demand to speak with the manager's
manager.  He can understand fifteen different dialects of
the English language, including the "Engrish" commonly
spoken in Asian call centers.

But this shouldn't come as a surprise.  After all, it's
part of his job.  He's a tech support agent, a person
that wrestles with multinational corporate hell on behalf
of his clients.

"It's not a pleasant job, but somebody has to do it," he
cheerfully explained from his personal call center.  "I'm
a mercenary that goes into battle against outsourced
adversaries. My weapons?  A telephone and a razor-sharp
wit."

During one session, Gwist successully helped a neighbor
track down the problem with her Internet connection.
After three hours of phone calls to BigEvilTelco,
including 10 transfers, 7 holds, 3 unexpected
disconnections, 5 foreign accents, and 2 shouting
matches,  he eventually reached a solution.

"I finally forced them to admit it was their fault," he
boasted while recuperating from the skirmish.  "It's
amazing what you can accomplish by interjecting some
Hindi curse words into the conversation."

The customer was ecstatic with the outcome.  "You beat
'em! You beat Ma Bell!" she shouted.  "I'd still be on
hold if I tried to call them myself... Thank you so very
much!  I have to tell all my friends about this... Lord
knows there's a huge demand for your services."

Despite his skills, Gwist has never achieved the ultimate
goal: forcing Microsoft tech support to admit that their
software contains bugs.  "I came very close one time.
But now I think they recognize my voice.  I haven't been
able to make any headway against them recently...  they
simply outnumber me."

That might change, however.  Thanks to his success, Gwist
wants to expand his business to include a huge team of
agents that can work together on more challenging
assignments.

"So far, most of my clients have been computer neophytes
that don't want to get screwed by slick-talking big city
corporate bureaucrats," he said.  "But I will be able to
provide a valuable service for businesses, freeing up
their IT departments to focus on more important things
than waiting on hold."

"In other words," he added, "my outsourcing firm,
representing corporations, will deal with other
outsourcing firms, representing other corporations. I
have to laugh at all of the fools who thought that the
Internet would help eliminate middle-men!"

--
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