[humorix] Microsoft Embraces "Free Software" Movement

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Microsoft Embraces "Free Software" Movement
March 17, 2005

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In a shocking revelation that sent
gasps throughout the audience, Bill Gates announced today at
a press conference that the next version of Windows,
tentatively called Windows MT (Microsoft Technology), is
going to be available for free to everybody who wants a
copy.

There will, however, be a few strings attached.

"We are fully embracing the concept of free software," Gates
said while dozens of reporters sat with their jaws on the
floor. "All copies of Windows MT will be made available to
the public at no charge."

The audience came back to Earth, however, when Gates
revealed that only a tiny portion of the core Windows system
will be included in the Free Edition.  Everything else will
cost extra.

"Under this new patent-pending pricing system, customers
will be able to mix-and-match the features they want," said
Gates with a hollow grin.  "This will save users money while
fostering enhanced innovation."

During a weekly dig through the garbage cans behind the
Microsoft Campus, a member The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm)
uncovered a preliminary copy of the new Windows MT pricing
system. The document lists over 550 "add-on licenses" that
will be available for users to purchase.

It appears that the core Free Edition will only include the
Windows kernel, Internet Explorer (impossible to remove), a
bastardized TCP/IP stack, the Microsoft Outlook Virus
Delivery Platform, and the Windows License Manager
application, called SLAVE (System License Activation and
Verification Engine).

SLAVE features a "zero-click licensing" system that makes it
easy for users to select, purchase, and install the
additional features they want from MASTER, the Microsoft
Automatic Software Toll Extraction Regime.  Unlike Amazon,
the user doesn't even need to click on anything to make a
purchase -- they just hover the mouse over a portion of the
screen for three seconds.

Some of the available add-on features for Windows MT might
include (with tentative prices in US dollars):

* Solitaire ($10)
* Basic firewall ($10)
* Enhanced firewall that kicks into operation *before* the
  TCP/IP stack is launched during boot ($75)
* Command-line shell ($25)
* Command-line shell that is more advanced than MS-DOS ($50)
* Java plug-in for Internet Explorer ($500)
* Start Menu ($5)
* Registry Editor ($10)
* Notepad ($10)
* Calculator ($5)
* Control Panel ($10)
* Minimize/Maximize window controls ($3)
* Standard fonts ($15) -- the Free Edition only includes
  MS Comic Sans
* Windows Help system ($5, but free after rebate)
* Right-click context sensitive menus ($10)
* User manager for creating accounts other than
  "Administrator" ($45)
* Basic spyware detection tool ($10)
* Upgraded spyware detection *and* removal tool ($100)
* Advanced TCP/IP stack allowing more than 10 open sockets
  at a time (your first born son)

Pundits wasted no time hailing the new Windows MT paradigm
as the "greatest revolution to hit the computer industry
since the invention of ASCII."  Said one shill over at
LinuxShillInsider.com, "This bold new Microsoft strategy
will make open source software obsolete.  After all, why use
a free Linux system when you can use a free Windows system?"

The Blartner Group issued a statement saying, "This is
exactly the kind of visionary move that we have been
predicting for the last five years.  We told you this would
happen."

Microsoft has been tight-lipped about the release date for
Windows MT, with a spokesperson saying only, "We expect a
4th quarter delivery." However, it wasn't immediately clear
whether he was talking about Windows MT or the birth of
somebody's baby.


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