[humorix] Total Destruction Of Earth Blamed On Spammers

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Total Destruction Of Earth Blamed On Spammers
March 6, 2005

OUTER SPACE -- The [Unpronounceables], a race of
super-intelligent aliens from the other end of the galaxy,
has announced the total destruction of our solar system in
order to make room for an interstellar prison.  The decision
was reached after scouting reports indicated that the Sol
system only consists of lower lifeforms not protected by
intergalactic law.

"After monitoring the primitive electromagnetic signals from
the third planet, we quickly concluded that they can be
safely exterminated," explained [Unpronounceable], the
Chairthing of the Committee for Galactic Environmental
Protection.  "Their race is extremely volatile and shallow,
constantly worrying about the size of their body parts and
finding ways to make money fast."

In a report obtained by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), the
[Unpronounceables] give a detailed account of what they
learned about Earth.  Some excerpts:

   We had just arrived at Sol III.  Even before we could
   establish a standard orbit, our scout ship's computer
   system started to get bombarded by unsolicited messages
   from the planet's communication network. It was hideous.
   Much of the material appeared to be gibberish, but our
   translation team finally deciphered some of the messages,
   only to be horrified by advertisements for highly dubious
   products and services.

   ...From every indication, the domanant bipedal lifeforms
   are so paranoid about increasing the size of some body
   parts while shrinking others that they don't have time for
   serious intellectual pursuits.  Meanwhile, they are
   constantly dreaming up new ways to scam each other out of
   economic resources, either through vaporous transactions
   (what they call "pyramid schemes" or "hot stock tips"), by
   fooling others into revealing sensitive information
   ("phishing"), or by outright theft ("taxes").

   We even received a shocking message from "Mrs Jane Mupesa,
   wife to Ndoga Mupesa of Chiweshe ward in Muzarabani,
   Mashonaland Central province" with a horrific story of the
   murder of her husband.  She urgently needed our assistance
   to help her transfer "millions of dollars" to a secure
   location outside of her war-torn region...

   We simply cannot believe that this pathetic race has been
   able to develop atomic energy and spaceflight.  This case
   is clearly an anomoly that violates all know principles of
   planetary evolution...

   In conclusion, there are no compelling arguments for
   preserving this planet. Despite our best efforts, we could
   find no reason to believe that Sol III won't devolve into
   insanity and anarchy within the near future.  Unless we
   are completely misinterpreting their communcations, we are
   simply dumbfounded by their culture's ability to survive
   for more than 3 minutes...

The plan to obliterate the solar system should be implemented
within the next month, although an activist group, People for
the Ethical Treatment of Aliens, has launched an
intergalactic petition drive to postpone the destruction.

"We don't care about the clueless bipeds," said a PETA
spokesthing.  "But we are concerned that some of the marine
life, particularly 'dolphins' and 'whales', have the
potential to develop an advanced civilization.  We need to
find a way to carefully relocate them to another planet,
leaving the rest of the riff-raff behind to eat our
ray-guns."

It's not immediately clear what method the aliens will use
for the annihilation. The report does hint that subterfuge
might be involved: "Since these lifeforms appear to be quite
gullible -- we don't speak their language very well and even
we can see through the Mrs. Mupesa scam -- we might be able
to simply land in a spaceship and say, 'We come in peace.'
They'll believe us... and then they won't know what hit
them."

The White House, frantically trying to build and launch
emergency spacecraft to secretly carry VIPs to safety, was
unavailable for comment at press time.


--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/