[humorix] President Bush Has "Faith" In Science

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

President Bush Has "Faith" In Science
February 24, 2005
By Axel Schweiger, axel [at] hilltopcc [dot] com

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Calling the traditional scientific method
"old-fashioned and inefficient", the Bush Administration today
unveiled a "bold new platform" to move scientific exploration
to a new frontier: Faith-Based Research.

At a White House press conference, Science advisor John
Marburger offered reporters a sneak preview of the initiative,
dubbed the "Science In the new Millenium Plan" (SIMP). He
said, "America is ready for this new approach to understanding
our world in the 21st Century."

"We've had great success in the medical field by clearly
demonstrating the benefits of intercessory-prayer," he argued,
referring to a NIH-funded Duke University study that showed
the health benefits of praying for ailing friends and family.
"Now is the time to translate this success into other areas of
research."

When asked by a reporter how SIMP will work, Marburger
explained, "The White House wants scientists to utilize
'Faith-Based Facts' in their work.  The world's holy
scriptures offer a rich source of FBFs that can only make our
nation's research efforts much more efficient and
results-oriented."

As part of SIMP, the Administration will channel more money
into space, geosciences, and paranormal research, while
dropping support for "controversial" branches of science
including evolutionary biology and genetics.   "The Theory of
Evolution has never been proven, so why should we spend
megabucks on science based on this unproven assertion?"

NASA will receive an immediate funding boost, but it will have
a new mission to determine the range of God's powers and to
help carry freedom and liberty into outer space.

"We all know He is big, but how big? That question has puzzled
scientists for hundred of years," said outgoing NASA
administrator Sean O'Keefe.  "But we're going to find out, no
matter what the cost."

Earth exploration is another area highlighted by SIMP.  "Let's
face it, finding oil and other natural resources is a damned
hard and expensive business... We have to learn how to do more
with less", said Peter Goblet, head of Exxon-Mobile's resource
exploration department.  "Divining is a  thousand-year old
practice, but our kids are just not learning basic rod use in
their college science courses anymore.  Think of the money
that could be saved if we used our best and brightest
scientists to hone these techniques and make them more
efficient!"

Not everybody is ecstatic about the new plan.   Voicing some
concerns, National Academy of Sciences President Bruce Albers
said, "It's important to keep an open mind, but I think
hypothesis-driven science that seeks to support its finding
with data is not dead yet."

Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona), a critic of the Administration's
policy on climate change, was even more blunt: "Next thing
they'll want to solve the global warming problem by praying
that Hell freezes over!"  He added, "Bush says that this plan
will lead science into the new millennium -- but what
millennium?  The Middle Ages?"

But Carl Huygens, dean of the school of earth sciences at
Texas A&M University, was more positive. "We all know that
data-driven science is a messy business that involves
bucketloads of wild-ass guessing. Everybody uses a certain
element of faith when deriving knowledge from their data...
why not go one step further and bring faith into the world of
research? We can save ourselves the efforts associated with
data collection and interpretation.  Paradigm shifts have
always occurred in science but the naysayers were usually
convinced in the end."

Said an anonymous faculty member at the Penn State Department
of Geosciences, "Faith-based research will surely allow us to
increase the number of papers my graduate students and I will
be able to publish. I'll have to rewrite my lectures, but
that's a small price to pay for progress."

During his weekly radio address, President Bush said, "Science
is already heading in the direction of faith, especially with
the emergence of Intelligent Design as an alternative to the
highly dubious Theory of Evolution.  We need more of this
independent thought."

He continued, "Experimentation and theory are overrated and
frankly the American public deserves more than scientific
'mumbo-jumbo' about uncertainties and self-serving statements
about the need for further research.  The time has come to
mine the treasure trove of God-given knowledge to finally
solve the most pressing scientific issues of our time and wean
the scientific community from its narrow-minded obsession with
reality and observations."

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