[humorix] Microsoft Trumpets Yet Another Vulnerability In Linux

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Microsoft Trumpets Yet Another Vulnerability In Linux
February 18, 2005

REDMOND, WA -- Spontaneous parties erupted throughout the
Microsoft Campus today after word spread that a "severe"
vulnerability had been discovered that affects almost every
installation of Linux.

"This is major! It's the worst security hole that's ever been
disclosed in the history of computer science," boasted a
Microsoft employee during an impromptu keg party in Employee
Recreation Management Center #52.  "Party! Party! Party!"

Even though the celebrations will likely cause another delay in
the release of Windows MT (also called Longhorn), Microsoft
employees and executives were too ecstatic to care.

"Ahhh've been waitingk yearsh fer sthish!" said one inebriated
Microserf.  He added, "Yeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" before making
another trip to the keg.

We tried to ask partygoers about the "vulnerability," but
nobody could give a straight answer, or even a slurred answer.
A member of the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) finally tracked
down the Microsoft Competitor Extinguishment Lab, the source of
the discovery.

"Oh, it's quite simple," explained Dr. Sherman Clayton, the
senior researcher of the Extinguishment Lab.  "Most Linux
distros running on PC hardware are vulnerable to a certain
keystroke combination... let's see, let me check my notes... ah
yes, it's CONTROL, followed by ALT, and then DELETE.  This is a
glaring hole that reboots the system, resulting in a denial of
service. Remember the vulnerability [1] we found last year?
This is much worse."

In a heroic display of poise, our Vast Spy Network member was
able to continue the conservation without bursting into riotous
laughter.  "Very interesting," he said coolly.  "What should
Linux users do about this, uh, security threat?"

"They need to upgrade to Windows XP immediately," he responded
with a straight face.  "If the local Cubicle City is closed,
then they should at least physically remove the DELETE key from
their keyboard to temporarily prevent the attack. It might be
possible to fix the problem by tinkering with config files from
the command line, but who in their right mind wants to waste
time with that?  That's *so* 1981."

The Microserf added, "My department has also experimented with
another possible attack vector involving sledgehammers and
gravity.  Preliminary results indicate that a Linux system can
be successfully compromised by a well-placed blow by a hammer."

"I am very concerned about these vulnerabilities," he
continued.  "I'm concerned that I might have to pay higher
taxes because my salary will shoot up after people start
abandoning Linux and returning to Windows."

At this point the Humorix agent simply couldn't contain
himself, and barely made it out of the building before bursting
into uncontrollable laughter and rolling on the floor.
Bystanders assumed he was just another drunk Microsoft employee
caught up in the celebration.

"I better get hazardous-duty pay for this assignment," the
agent demanded before collapsing from exhaustion.


[1] http://humorix.org/articles/2004/10/plain-text/


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