[humorix] Hey Bill, You Got A License For That Reality Distortion Field?

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Hey Bill, You Got A License For That Reality Distortion Field?
February 11, 2005

SILLYCON VALLEY -- In a stunning development, Apple prophet
Steve Jobs today filed a patent-infringement lawsuit against
Bill Gates for improperly using his "Reality Distortion Field"
in public.

"I invented and patented the RDF," Jobs said.  "According to the
US government, I own it for the next 12 years.  If Gates wants
to use the RDF to fool people into buying his pathetic excuse
for an operating system, then he needs to obtain a patent
license."

In the suit, Jobs alleges that Gates and other Microsoft
figureheads have been using reality-distortion techniques "as
part of numerous public events during the last year."

Just last week, Gates argued that "the fewer operating systems
there are within a company, the better it is from a security
point of view."

"This is a blatant application of a Reality Distortion Field,"
Jobs proclaimed. "Here Gates makes a statement that is the polar
opposite of the truth, and yet delivers it in such a way that
his audience will swallow it hook, line, and sinker.  That's
precisely the technique that I pioneered! Apple wouldn't be
anything today without the cult following of fans that were made
loyal after repeated exposures to my RDF."

But Jobs quickly added, "Apple has reached the point where we
don't need to rely on distortions to convince people to buy our
products. Instead, we just offer shiny colors along with iThis
and eThat and cute handheld music players."

A Microsoft spokesdroid offered little comment on the pending
litigation, saying only, "We will vigorously defend our right to
innovate new forms of marketing and customer attitude management
controls.  We do not distort reality, we merely adjust it for
the benefit of our valued customers and shareholders."

Research by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) (translation: three
minutes of Googling) reveals that Steve Jobs has barely
scratched the surface when it comes to Microsoft's illicit use
of reality-distortion techniques. For instance, in 2001, one
Microsoft manager said, "the recent security problems with
Linux, coupled with the lack of key enterprise elements in the
new kernel, really call into question whether Linux should be
used at all."
[http://www.wired.com/news/business/0,1367,41527,00.html]

Industry observers have mixed feelings about the lawsuit.  "I
hate patents as much as the next guy, but I can't feel too sorry
for Microsoft," said one pundit.  "They've earned this lawsuit."

However, an analyst for the Blartner Group explained, "There's
loads of prior art in this field.  Politicians have been
distorting the truth for centuries.  If anybody deserves to hold
a patent on Reality Distortion Fields, it should be the White
House."


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