[humorix] California Imposes "Birth Tax" To Fight Piracy

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

California Imposes "Birth Tax" To Fight Piracy
January 20, 2005

SACRAMENTO, CA -- Governator Schwarzenegger today signed
legislation that will impose a $1,000 tax on each live birth
within the People's Republic of California.  The windfall
will go to the IPHAA (Intellectual Property Hoarders
Association of America) as compensation against future
piracy committed by the newborn babies.

"Our calculations indicate that the average person will
engage in $1.2 million worth of copyright, trademark, and
patent law violations during their lifetime," said Luxor E.
Yott, spokesperson for the IPHAA.  "This birth tax is a tiny
baby step that will help to eliminate this horrible
injustice."

The IPHAA was recently created from the unholy alliance of
the MPAA (movies), RIAA (music), BSA (Microsoft software),
CPAA (crochet patterns), BIAA (blueprints), BSPRA (baseball
statistics), LRAA (liquor recipes), FFSSIAA (fast-food
secret sauces), Monsanto Corp. (agriculture), and Wal-Mart
(everything else).

"Education and re-education is the most effective way to
stop people from stealing our precious intellectual
property," the IPHAA spokesperson said.  "We hope to use
this money to create a mandatory public school curriculum
spanning pre-school to high school to traffic school."

He added, "You can never start too early... our new lesson
plan for kindergarteners, entitled Spongebob Squarepants(R)
Will Starve  To Death If You Copy That File(tm), has been an
absolute hit.  We are also considering an in-womb education
program that targets babies before they are even born."

According to an "unbiased" study commissioned by the IPHAA,
the average American aged 3 to 103 engages in "at least ten
IP violations per day."  Some of the more egregious crimes
committed by ordinary people include:

* Discussing baseball statistics on an Internet forum
  without the express written consent of Major League
  Baseball (implied oral consent doesn't count).  "As a
  subsidiary of MLB, the Baseball Statistics Protection
  Racket of America  is very strict about the unauthorized
  use of batting averages, win-loss records, and other
  proprietary facts," said the IPHAA spokeperson.  "Just
  because you attended a game in person does not give you
  the right to talk about it to other people."

* Making a scrapbook containing copyrighted newspaper  or
  magazine clippings.  "A copyright is a copyright.  Some
  kooks like to talk about the so-called 'Fair Use
  Doctrine', but that's just an urban legend."  [Editor's
  Note: The IPHAA graciously provided Humorix with a
  royalty-free license to publish the spokesperson's
  copyrighted words in this story.]

* Humming more than three notes of a copyrighted song in
  public without paying a performance fee.

* Allowing people to take photos of your home without prior
  consent from the architectural firm that designed the
  home's floorplan.  "If people can take photos of these
  protected homes, then they will be able to recreate the
  floorplans and other design elements without compensating
  the original architects. That is so wrong it makes me want
  to spit."

* Donating books to a library or charity without the
  permission of the publisher.

* Sharing a single newspaper with other members of your
  family without buying additional copies or subscriptions.

* Going to the bathroom or grabbing a snack during a TV
  commercial break.

* Reselling used computer equipment at a yard sale without
  first wiping all copyrighted material from the hard drive.

"And this is just the tip of the iceberg," the IPHAA
spokesperson added.  "Really, the $1,000 per baby tax is a
bargain compared with the numerous violations that they will
commit in just the first few years of life.  People against
this new tax are obviously anti-American Communist
long-haird hippie tree-hugging freaks that want children to
starve."


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