[humorix] Microsoft: Windows 2003 Outperforms Red Hat

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Microsoft: Windows 2003 Outperforms Red Hat
January 9, 2005

REDMOND, WA -- According to a "massive" study conducted by
the impartial Microsoft Marketing Department, Windows 2003
servers outperform Red Hat Linux in every possible
configuration.

"This was a real eye-opener," explained Microsoft
spokesperson Harold Fudd.  "There was simply no competition
between the two.  We can only conclude that people still
clinging to the legacy, mediocre Linux platform have
absolutely no clue."

At first glance, this sounds bad for Linux.  But the
Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) did some digging and
discovered the truth: Microsoft was not testing the Red Hat
Linux(R) distribution. Instead, the benchmark was against
an obscure 1999 port of Linux to red hats and other
headwear.

"Well, duh!" explained Eric Fretime, the programmer behind
the Linux For Hats project. "Fedoras, cowboy hats, even
baseball caps all have very limited horsepower available
for running software, usually only 0.00000001 Mhz.   So
just about anything would easily outperform them, even
Microsoft crippleware.  But the whole purpose behind Linux
For Hats was... well, uh, I don't think it originally had a
purpose. It was peer pressure, I guess... everybody else
was porting Linux to exotic platforms..."

As part of Microsoft's "impartial" benchmarks, they took a
fully-loaded quad Xeon server running Windows 2003 and
pitted it against various Linux-enabled red hats, including
fedoras, top-hats, baseball caps, and painted sombreros.
In one test, it took only 0.00002 seconds for a particular
spyware application to install itself on the Wintel box,
while the Linux hat just sat there and refused to do
anything.

"Since installing spyware is such a major component of the
typical computer experience these days, this test will be
hard to ignore," explained  the head of Microsoft's
Benchmarking Lab, Mr. Spind Oktor.

Later tests revealed much the same.  "Linux on a red hat is
absolutely worthless," the Microserf explained.  "And this
is just the beginning."

The Vast Spy Network has already received preliminary
copies of additional Microsoft "studies" comparing Windows
2003 to such Linux distros as  Seuss Linux (embedded in
children's books), Linux For Calderas (outdated port of
Linux to volcanic ashes), Slackware Linux (running on ropes
and cables), and even Linux From Scratch (runs on a Beowulf
cluster of bandages).

As expected, industry think tanks have already weighed in
on the study.  "We've been saying this all along -- Linux
sucks," said Blort Blartner of the Blartner Group.

"It's bad enough that Linux is an infectious form of
Communism," said Mia Shill with the Alexis de Some Guy
Institute.   "Now we learn that Linux is absolutely
worthless for common, everyday tasks... Capitalism
outperforms Communism, and Windows outperforms Linux. The
conclusion is obvious."


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