[humorix] The Year In Preview 2005

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

The Year In Preview 2005
December 31, 2004

[Editor's Note: Every year, Humorix publishes a Year In
Preview feature in which we offer predictions for the
coming year.  We are pleased to announce that these
predictions have so far resulted in a fantastic 100%
success rate.  That's right, not one single prediction has
come true.  As a fake news publication, we can only hope
that this perfect record will continue to hold well into
the future.]

Jan. 3 -- The SCO Group announces its new product lineup
for 2005, including Daimler-Chrysler Appeal 1.0, Novell
Slander of Title 2.0, Groklaw Libel Cease-and-Desist 1.0,
Red Hat  GPL-Is-Unconstitutional 2.0, IBM Discovery Stall
Tactics 2.0 Molasses Edition, IBM Contract Violations 17.4,
and AutoZone Shakedown 2.1.

"These new and updated products will provide additional
value for our shareholders and corporate puppet-masters,"
says a SCO spokespuppet.  "At SCO, our mission is to
deliver only the finest litigation-related products and
services..."

Jan. 4 -- Several trade publications hail 2005 as the "Year
of the Linux Desktop."  Similar articles from 1999, 2001,
2003, and 2004 silently disappear from their website
archives.

Jan. 17 -- During a conference call, the CEO of Sun
Microsystems, Scott McNealy, announces that the company
hopes to pursue a new business plan revolving around "Java
world domination."  "We want to leverage our cross-platform
core competencies to facilitate electronic commerce in the
global marketplace while earning some scratch," he tries to
explain.

Jan. 20 -- In retaliation for helping to torpedo the EU
software patent directive, the Microsoft Board of Directors
officially declares war against Poland.  Several hundred
Microsoft lawyers are immediately airlifted to Europe,
while the company tries to recruit other US attorneys to
join the fight.  "Help your country defeat the enemies of
capitalism," says one Microsoft leaflet. "Join the
Microsoft Barrister Brigade today!"

Jan. 23 -- As part of "Operation Dancing Paperclip",
several hundred Microsoft lawyers parachute into the
vicinity of Warsaw.  "We're going to lay seige to this city
and bury it under an avalanche of legal documents until the
Polish government surrenders," says Microsoft's Vice
President of Foreign Affairs.

Feb. 7 -- The website hosting company
eOnlineCheapLinuxHostingWorld.com, which last year offered
Slashdot Effect Insurance for its clients, suddenly files
for bankruptcy.  "After getting hit by the Slashdot Effect
ten times in one week, we simply couldn't afford the
bandwidth charges.  Our request for disaster assistance was
denied from the Federal Emergency Management Agency, so our
only hope is Chapter 11 bankruptcy..."

Mar. 17 -- Sun changes direction, this time announcing that
"cross-platform applications no longer matter" and that
"Java is dead."  "Our goal is to replace legacy Unix
systems with the superior Wintel platform," says a Sun
spokesman.  "By helping the entire world standardize on
Microsoft solutions, we can save businesses trillions of
dollars while moving a step closer to world peace."

Mar. 23 -- Microsoft releases XP Service Pack 3, which now
includes an innovative feature: built-in viruses.  "Much
like a vaccine, this patch will install some relatively
minor viruses as a form of innoculation against more
sinister viruses in the wild," says a Microsoft press
release. "These benign viruses will hog system resources,
making it much harder for real viruses or malevolent
spyware to gain a foothold.  At Microsoft, we are always
striving to find new innovative ways to increase security."

Mar. 26 -- After discovering that one of the supposedly
benign viruses in SP3 can cause catastrophic hard drive
failures on days that end in 'y', Microsoft quickly
produces a service pack for its service pack.

Apr. 1 -- In a posting to the Linux Kernel Mailing List,
Linus Torvalds finally comes clean about the origins of
Linux.  "I can't keep this conspiracy under wraps any
longer," he admits.  "I really did steal some of the Linux
code from SCO... Every single argument made by SCO over the
years is true.  I've even been told by my lawyer that the
GPL violates the US Constitution.  I'm deeply sorry for the
horrible mess I've created..."

Apr. 2 -- In response to the Torvalds confession, SCO's
remaining employees stage a massive celebration, utterly
trashing the company headquarters. Shouts of "We've won!
We've won!  We've finally beat Linux!  IBM is toast!  We're
going to become billionaires!" echo throughout the
building. However, the party quickly ends when somebody
realizes that the LKML message was not posted by the real
Linus Torvalds, but was instead signed by a Ms. Lirpa
Sloof.

Apr. 4 -- Several music labels quietly launch a new
DRM-enabled CD format that will emit an eardrum-rupturing
sound when played in unauthorized devices.  Vowing to fight
the "War On Piracy" no matter the cost, the US Congress
approves a bill exempting the music industry from lawsuits
by people who become deaf at the hands of the technology.

Apr. 15 -- Taking a cue from the dubious rebate programs
offered by electronics stores, the State of Missouri
announces a similar program for its corporate income tax
collections in 2006.  "Since these stores enjoy making
customers jump through hoops to get reasonable prices, we
have no problem with making these same stores jump through
hoops to get reasonable tax rates," explains the state
treasurer.

Under the plan, stores must pay an additional 40% surcharge
on their income taxes, which will be refunded in 4-6 weeks,
but only if the company fills out all of the necessary tax
rebate forms and postmarks them within a very short time
period.  Misdirected or improperly completed forms will be
discarded.  "How do you like them apples?" says the
treasurer.

Apr. 22 -- After discovering that they had bitten off more
than they could chew, several companies in India decide to
re-outsource some of their work back to the United States.
One company in Silicon Valley outsourced its software
development to India, only to discover that the Indian
company then sub-outsourced the work to a companty in Los
Angeles, which sub-sub-outsourced the job to a firm in
Arkansas.  The Blartner Group reports, "Instead of
eliminating middle-men, the Internet has actually provided
a greater market for them..."

May 11 -- At a Congressional hearing by the Committee For
Sucking Up To Large Corporations, Bill Gates argues that
the source code to Windows is worth an estimated 29.2
"skazillion" dollars.  "This is the single-most important
asset in the history of capitalism... If Congress does not
act to protect this critical resource with stronger
copyright laws, our national security will be at risk.
What's good for Microsoft is good for the country... and
the children."

May 16 -- In a surprise blow to Microsoft, the State of
California suddenly announces that intellectual property,
like tangible property, is subject to property taxes.
"Since Microsoft admitted in Congress last week that its
source code is worth skazillions of dollars, we estimate
that the company will owe $934 billion in property taxes
for 2005," says the Governator.  "This will single-handedly
balance the California budget..."

May 23 -- In a letter to Congress, The SCO Group warns that
Linux and Unix system contain a device called /dev/random
that could, if executed enough times, theoretically
generate an already copyrighted work, such as the Windows
source code.  "This device is clearly a violation of the
DMCA... all Linux distributors should be held criminally
liable for its existence.  Several mega-skazillion dollars
worth of intellectual property could be at risk..."

June 2 -- As part of its latest stall tactic, The SCO Group
files a motion alleging that IBM used "top-secret
time-travel technology" to steal SCO's valuable
intellectual property from the past. A reporter for
LinuxInsider.com immediately hails the revelation as "the
smoking gun that SCO has always promised to deliver" and
then boasts "Linux is toast."

June 3 -- While reading SCO's time-travel filing, a Utah
court clerk starts rolling on the floor laughing and breaks
a leg in the process.

June 17 -- As expected, Sun makes a sudden U-turn in its
business strategy by announcing that the company wants to
fully embrace open source software.  "The success of Linux
will translate into success for the entire industry," says
a company press release.  "Java is cool again."  The
company also promises (for the umpteenth time) to release
the source code to Solaris in the "fourth quarter," but
they fail to mention which year.

June 30 -- The US Treasury Department signs a multi-billion
dollar deal with Microsoft to sell sponsorship rights to
the $20 and $100 bills.  The boring presidential portraits
will be replaced by various Microsoft ads, while the phrase
"In God We Trust" will become "In Microsoft You Spend".

July 14 -- Calling Linux security "an absolute joke," the
Blartner Group reports that only 0.05% of Linux machines
have anti-virus software installed and running. In the
report's conclusion, study author Blort Blartner chastises
the Linux community for exhibiting such a "reckless
disregard for viruses and worms" that could result in
"gazillions of dollars worth of damage."

July 15 -- Responding to Blartner, one Linux distributor
says, "We don't think it's worthwhile to waste valuable CPU
cycles on such nonsense, especially since our anti-virus
software would be indistinguishable from the output of the
command,  'cat /dev/random > /dev/null'."

July 25 -- Humorix celebrates its 7th anniversary, making
it the longest-lived low-budget Linux humor website in the
history of Linux.  The site's readership skyrockets 50%
during the year from two regular readers to three.

Aug. 5 -- Thanks to growing nostalgia for the "good ole
days", the University of Western Kansas announces a new
series of computer classes based on 1980's technology.
Courses include Advanced DOS Batch File Programming,
Introduction To GW-BASIC Algorithms, Getting The Most From
OS/2, and more.

"We've had many students express an interest in learning
about technology from the halcyon days when spam was still
a canned meat product,  worms only lived in the ground, and
phishing was a leisure activity enjoyed on a river bank,"
says the university president.

Aug. 17 -- Another press conference, another Sun mood
swing. This time open source is no longer the answer. "The
'bazaar' development model is simply too bizarre," Sun
says.  "We want to push proprietary Unix software that can
be managed sensibly by one company while ensuring the
highest possible quality and security.  This level of
integrity is simply not possible with Linux because it has
thousands of contributors of all ages from across the globe
each with their own agenda."

Aug. 26 -- In yet another twist to the ongoing saga of Days
Of Our Lawsuits, several SCO executives appear on
television claiming that they were kidnapped two years ago
and held at a secret location, while body doubles ran the
company in their place.

"We would never run this company into the ground, and yet
that's exactly what our captors have done. Obviously a
conspiracy of epic proportions is at work here," says the
real Barl McDride.  "All of these court cases were filed
under false pretenses... we have just filed a brief with
the court asking for a delay until we can straighten out
this mess..."

Aug. 29 -- After reading SCO's
stop-the-trial-we-were-kidnapped motion and nearly choking
to death from uncontrollable laughter, the court clerk
announces her resignation, saying, "I can't work under
these conditions anymore..."

Sept. 17 -- Like clockwork, Sun yet again changes its
business strategy.  Now open source is the biggest
innovation since the transistor, and Sun wants the movement
to achieve world domination.  "Here we have millions of
people willing to develop software for free, while Sun will
be able to reap huge rewards by selling hardware and
support.  Our recent attacks against Linux have been
terribly misguided."

Sept. 28 -- The governments of Estonia and Latvia pledge to
provide over $100 million in aid and assistance to help
upgrade the United States' stone-age telecommunication
system.  "In Latvia, almost everybody has access to
broadband Internet and dirt-cheap cell phones," says a
government official.  "It's time to give something back to
the world community and help those less fortunate, such as
the bandwidth-impoverished citizens of the US still stuck
with dial-up access as their only choice..."

Oct. 4 -- Blogging through interpretive dance quickly
becomes the latest hot trend to hit the Internet.  Hundreds
of new "d-blogs" pop up within a week, providing live
coverage of world events through interpretive dance,
pantomime, and sign language.  "I'm no longer confined by
ASCII text... I can express myself physically through a
live video feed," says one d-blog pioneer.  "And if
visitors are at work, they can have their audio muted and
still understand my message..."

Oct. 17 -- Now Sun is in bed with Microsoft again. Says
Scott McNealy, "In a recent letter, Microsoft politely
reminded us that our recent praise of Linux and open source
is in direct violation of our April 2004 partnership
agreement.  We love Microsoft and we fully support Windows
software running on Intel hardware.  I repeat, we love
Microsoft... let there be no doubt."

Nov. 1 -- Hoping to capitalize on everybody's favorite
capitalist  company, the city of Redmond receives a $2.4
million federal grant to open a Microsoft Museum and
Visitor Center.  The museum will include several historic
artifacts, including the centerpiece, a dog-eared copy of
the Macintosh User Interface Guide in which Bill Gates
personally wrote annotations like "We need to copy this
feature" and "Explorer sounds better than Finder" and
"Let's call this 'Recycle Bin' instead."

Nov. 5 -- Slashdot finally discovers blogging through
interpretive dance and posts a story about the rapidly
spreading meme -- twice.

Nov. 12 -- Porn sites quickly embrace the d-blogging
concept, providing live all-nude videos.  "These video
feeds should not be considered obscene... they feature
interpretive dance, which is a form of high art (wink,
wink)," says the webmaster of Miss February's All-Nude 24/7
Interpretive Dance Dot Com.  "The fact that the
participants are not wearing clothes is merely
coincidental."

Nov. 17 -- In an interview, Scott McNealy says, "We realize
Windows and Linux are both here to stay, so we hope to make
money by offering products and services to both sides.  Sun
wants to fully embrace open source, while also fully
embracing proprietary software.  And we still love
Microsoft..."   Critics condemn the latest strategy as
"two-faced," but some industry observers argue, "There's
nothing here we haven't already seen from Sun."

Nov. 21 -- With the growing popularity of gift cards, the
US Treasury announces that all future currency will include
expiration dates.  "People don't seem to mind the
expiration dates on gift certificates, so this is a logical
step for us," says a Treasury spokesperson.  "This move
will also fight terrorism (and help the children) by
encouraging terrorists to use easily-tracked credit cards
instead of anonymous cash that will now only last for a few
days."

Dec. 2 -- The newly created Free Hardware Foundation,
headed by Richard M. Stallman, finally demonstrates a
practical, non-evil application for DRM hardware.  Using an
open BIOS architecture, the system will refuse to run any
software that is not released under an open source license.

"Our DRM system is designed to manage and protect _your_
digital rights, not the rights of Hollywood executives
jockeying to buy their fifth luxury yacht," RMS explains.
"The idea is simple: All software must include the source
code, which is compiled on the fly by the CPU.  All binary
code will be automatically chucked into /dev/null."

In another interview, RMS adds wryly,  "This is one
platform Microsoft will not be able to embrace and
extinguish.  If they try to force Windows to run on this
hardware by hacking the DRM restrictions, then they will be
in violation of the DMCA.  Bwahahahaha!"

Dec. 23 -- The US government announces a partnership with
Santa Claus to share spy information.  "Santa's
naughty-or-nice list is exactly the kind of intrusive
database that we need to fight terrorists and save the
children," explains the Attorney General. "In exchange for
access to his North Pole spy network, Santa will receive
our terrorist watch list to make sure he doesn't
inadvertantly provide toys or other assistance to the
relatives of suspected terrorists, which would be a federal
crime."

Dec. 25 -- The Johnson family of Vineland, New Jersey,  is
rudely awakened by a team of hired goons at their front
door demanding to see the license for their home's
copyrighted floorplan. When they bought the house last
year, they weren't told the original floorplan had been
featured in the July 1979 issue of Better Hovels and Shacks
Magazine and was still copyrighted by the architect.

"Floorplan piracy is a growing problem that we must
tackle," says Shay Kuhdowne, chief of the BIAA (Blueprint
Industry Association of America). "Ignorance of the law is
no excuse not to maintain the necessary paperwork for your
home's floorplan license.  Violators will be hunted down
and punished severely."

Dec. 31 -- In a Slashdot poll, 51% of geeks believe that
Microsoft will finally release Windows Longhorn by the time
the SCO vs. IBM case goes to trial.  However, the general
consensus is that both of these events will not occur
before 2008, if they happen at all.



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