[humorix] Mobsters Enrolling In Law Schools By The Thousands

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Mobsters Enrolling In Law Schools By The Thousands
November 22, 2004

In yet another sign that the Lawyerclysm is approaching, a
large number of mobsters have decided to quit organized
crime and instead pursue careers in patent law.

"Sure, organized crime is profitable, but patent lawyers
make a lot more money -- and it's all legal," explained
Johnny Isawnutten, a former loan shark that recently
enrolled in law school.  "And when was the last time a
lawyer was found at the bottom of Lake Michigan wearing
cement shoes?"

According to statistics compiled by the Federal Bureau of
Tracking People Because We Can, nearly 3,000 former
mobsters are in the process of earning law degrees.  What
is far more disturbing, however, is the fact that 1,523 of
their friends have already been admitted to the bar.

"A lawyer armed with a briefcase can steal more money than
ten thousand bookies combined," said Shiff T. Ayes of
Chicago.  "It's obvious that my father -- the founder of a
very profitable protection racket -- picked the wrong line
of work.  For one thing, the 76 bullet holes he suffered
last year were a direct result of his dubious career..."

Experts have mixed feelings about the trend. "The last
thing we need is more lawyers," said a researcher for the
Federal Commission For Micromanaging Everything.
"Smugglers, bookies, money launderers, racketeers, hired
goons, and other mobsters all play a role in the national
economy. But most lawyers represent a black hole that harms
commerce -- court settlements go in, but nothing comes
out."

"For decades this country has tried every possible tactic
to break up organized crime families," said one
criminologist.  "But is this really worth it?  With this
many additional lawyers running around, innocent people
will be involved in hundreds of questionable lawsuits
during their lifetime.  I'd rather risk the occasional
shootout than face a pile of 255 new subpoenas every day."

In possibly related news, the fledgling nation of
Humorixia, that shining geek island paradise in the Pacific
where lawyers are banned, has seen a massive surge of
immigration.

"If we don't find a way to expand -- such as conquering a
nearby island to become Humorixia 2.0 -- then we will have
to start cracking down on illegal immigrants," announced
Jon Splatz, Benevolent Dictator of Humorixia.   "We don't
want to turn people away, but we might have no choice."

He added, "According to the Holy Readme, we've reached the
Tenth Stage of the Approaching Lawyerclysm, that
cataclysmic future when every occupation is outlawed
worldwide except for attorneys... Things aren't going to
get any better soon unless every patent lawyer on the
planet were to spontaneously combust tomorrow.  And even
that would only be a start."


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