[humorix] SCO Drinking Game

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

SCO Drinking Game
October 28, 2004

We're only days away from the much-anticipated launch of
Prosco.net (Propaganda Reporting Organ for Sinister
Corporate Officials), and the folks at Humorix World
Headquarters simply can't wait another minute.

In order to pass the time -- and fill up space left vacant
by a severe outbreak of writers' block -- we have compiled
a drinking game to accompany SCO's upcoming reading
material.  Rest assured, the Humorix staff has already
fully beta-tested this game.


TAKE ONE SIP OF YOUR FAVORITE ADULT BEVERAGE IF A PAGE ON
THE PROSCO.NET SITE CLAIMS THAT...

...The obvious reason IBM refuses to comply with SCO's
reasonable discovery requests is that IBM has something
sinister to hide.

...SCO is actually very pro-open source and wishes it could
help the community, but is unfortunately prevented from
doing so by this pesky litigation business prompted by the
evil IBM.

...Nine out of ten (terrorists|child molesters|serial
killers|international spies) prefer Linux.

...The sheer interest in SCO's websites proves that most
people are hungry for a balanced alternative to Groklaw.

...If SCO could get its message out through the fog of
pro-Linux FUD, then most reasonable people would
immediately jump at the chance to support their noble cause
against the unscrupulous IBM monopoly.

...SCO is losing the Daimler-Chrysler case because of
obscure legal technicalities, not because of infirmities in
its case.  Justice will prevail.

...IBM is using every dirty trick invented by lawyers to
prevent this case from going to a jury.  They are only
interested in doing everything possible to get away with
their (illegal code theft|contract violations|libelous
statements) and to (obstruct justice|ruin the economy|crush
small business|hurt the children).

...SCO has worked for over a quarter of a century to build
its business one client at a time, and then all of sudden
IBM swoops in and steals valuable intellectual property,
slaps a Big Blue logo on it, and distributes it for free.

...Company officials and other members of the SCO family
have been forced to purchase guns and undergo expensive
self-defense classes to protect them from the juvenile
death threats by members of the Linux mafia.

...The legal staff has compiled and turned in a massive
mountain of evidence, but IBM refuses to even acknowledge
that SCO has a case.

...Time and time again industry experts and observers have
flocked to SCO's side, but the mindless lemmings of the
open source world continue to put their hands over their
ears and shout "I'm not listening!"  Eventually, however,
the truth will finally set them free.

...Contrary to the assertions by the clueless
self-proclaimed experts on Groklaw, real industry experts
hired by SCO have been able to pinpoint the precise lines
of code in the Linux kernel -- 532,599 of them, to be exact
-- that violate SCO's registered copyrights.

...Nobody ever got fired for choosing SCO.

...With over two million SCO Unix servers installed
worldwide, the company obviously knows what it's doing.

...AutoZone's continued illegal use of Linux is costing SCO
millions because it provides a role model to other
companies that they can continue to get away with piracy.

...Many Linux users have quietly told SCO that they are
worried about the increasing mental instability of
open-source leaders and wish that this whole mess could be
quickly and peacefully ended with a reasonable court
settlement.

...SCO is prepared to do everything possible to prevent IBM
from initiating a hostile takeover that would end the
lawsuits and allow IBM to continue its plundering
activities against other companies.

...One of SCO's goals during the trial is to pierce the
corporate veil of IBM and find out exactly how the company
has been able to conspire with Groklaw to publish so much
propaganda.

...As a Utah company in a heavily devout Mormon area, SCO
is working to uphold the principles of fairness, morality,
and justice.

...While some people have criticized SCO for stalling
during the case, the company needs the extra time to wade
through all of the irrelevant junk in IBM's long-winded,
content-free court filings.

...Very few Linux users are actually maliciously angry at
SCO, but they get drowned out by the vocal few who simply
refuse to accept the fact that their operating system is a
sham that was crufted together from pieces of code stolen
from companies like SCO that invested millions of dollars
to develop them.

...Every first year law student knows that contracts are
binding and cannot be broken, no matter how much IBM tries
to weasel out of them.

...If Linux is developed primarily by hobbyists, how come
so many enterprise-level features were added?  Real
hobbyists would not be concerned about such things, which
is bulletproof evidence that Linux is filled with stolen
code.


TAKE A LARGER DRINK IF A PROSCO.NET STORY CLAIMS THAT...

...Reports of SCOsource's demise have been greatly
exaggerated. The company's accounting department simply
cannot keep up with cashing all of the checks from clients
who have voluntarily come forward to wash the blood from
their hands and come clean about their use of stolen
software.

...It is a documented fact that the moderators of Groklaw
delete posts and engage in censorship because they are so
insecure about their position.

...If SCO honestly thought another company like Novell
still held the copyrights to Unix, they never would have
invested so much time and energy in this case.

...SCO is not a litigation firm; it has always been in the
Unix business.  After all, the company owns the rights to
Unix, so why shouldn't they market it aggressively?

...Linux distributions are violating the Sherman Anti-Trust
Act by bundling gigabytes of free software that undermines
the ability of competitors to make money developing their
own proprietary Linux applications.

...SCO's Unix software would be the most advanced operating
system on the planet if it wasn't for the unfair
interference by Linux and IBM.

...Giving away software is a dangerous activity that will
ultimately destroy the economy.

...SCO's top-notch development staff has released more
products in the last year than at any time in the company's
long and storied history.  The ongoing litigation is merely
a minor distraction for the core business of delivering
value-added, paradigm-enhanced, mission-critical Unix
systems for Intel hardware.


DRAIN THE REST OF YOUR GLASS AND THEN SOME IF PROSCO.NET
CLAIMS THAT...

...The GNU GPL is clearly illegal because it violates the
57th Amendment of the US Constitution.

...Dozens of Congressmen have expressed support for SCO's
interpretation of copyright law.

...Linux is the biggest joke in the history of computerdom;
no sensible person can seriously believe that this
unlicensed Unix rip-off imposter  will succeed.

...SCO is backed by a thriving community that represents a
silent majority that is immune to open-source groupthink.

...Linus Torvalds might seem like a nice fellow, but he is
merely a figurehead for a 21st Century organized crime
outfit that forces people at virtual gunpoint to sign a
license agreement requiring them to forfeit all of their
intellectual property rights.


--
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