[humorix] SCO Still Has Programmers On Its Payroll!

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

SCO Still Has Programmers On Its Payroll!
September 22, 2004

SOMEWHERE IN UTAH -- In a shocking revelation, The SCO
Group announced today that, contrary to conventional
wisdom, the company still maintains a "thriving" software
development division.

"Despite what you might hear on that IBM shill site
[Groklaw], we have not shifted all of our workers over to
the Legal and Public Relations departments," explained a
spokesperson today.   "Instead, we have retained two
skilled programmers who are currently developing a new
fair and balanced video game for SCO Unix that will allow
players to step into our shoes and see things from our
point of view."

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has been able to obtain
an alpha version of this game, code-named "David vs.
Goliath." Since it requires SCO Unix, we had no choice but
to obtain a copy from SCO (with bonus Linux license!) and
run it under strict quarantine at our Remote Testing
Facility in the Nevada desert to prevent any of our clean
Linux machines from coming into contact with it.

After playing the game, it's obvious that "David vs.
Goliath" is strictly a publicity gimmick.  The objective
is to lead the Small, Commendable Operation against the
International Brotherhood of Malevolence in a lawsuit in
which the pure, innocent SCO has been wronged at the hands
of a monopolistic, evil IBM.

As the CEO, the player must hire lawyers, issue press
releases, write letters to Congressmen, pull strings with
friends and family in positions of power, care for a
dwindling bank account, hold conference calls, ward off
angry shareholders, and manage other tasks necessary to
bring a successful end to the lawsuit while staying out of
bankruptcy (and, we might add, jail).

The odds are stacked against you.  Those Nazgul at IBM
keep stalling in the hopes that you will burn through your
cash reserves.  They refuse to turn over the evidence that
you need to pursue your case. They employ hundreds of
lawyers who do nothing but write convoluted legal
documents that sound good but distort the truth. They
espouse an interpretation of copyright law that allows
them to get away with murder.  They conspire to create an
astroturf campaign against you.

I must admit that I lost the game all three times I
reluctantly played it. But of course, I didn't try very
hard to win.  During simulated oral arguments, I directed
one of my lawyers to fall asleep in the middle of the
hearing.  The judge dismissed the case and the game ended
with a score of 0 out of 1000.

On the plus side, the game -- even this alpha version --
features realistic, raytraced 3D graphics and a very
sophisticated user interface that allows you to type
commands like, "Hire MIT experts to perform code analysis
proving that IBM is a thief"  and "Contact friendly
reporter at PHB Magazine and feed her a line about how we
have a secret weapon we will deploy at the next court
hearing."

When asked for comment, one of the 952 members of SCO's PR
department said, "Those bastards at Groklaw won't give us
equal time, so we have to resort to telling our story
through this new video game. We can only hope that people
will open their eyes to the truth and realize that IBM is
the evildoer, not us.  We're just trying to preserve our
hard-earned intellectual property so we can feed our
children."


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