[humorix] Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #33,554,432

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #33,554,432
August 30, 2004

In what could be the most sinister Microsoft conspiracy
theory ever concocted (until we make up another one next
week), the Humorix Vast Conspiracy Theory Research
Division(tm) has discovered that Microsoft has been
pressuring broadband Internet providers to intentionally
provide lousy service.

"The Evil Empire has a vested interest in making sure
broadband deployment takes as long as possible," explained
Humorix's chief conspiriologist, Mennon Black.  "If you've
ever thought trained monkeys could do a better job of
running an ISP, now you know why."

The more people that are still stuck with dial-up Internet,
the less likely they will download and experiment with
Linux. They will also be less likely to download pirated
copies of Windows and other Microsoft software.  And most
importantly, a Windows machine using dial-up is less likely
to suffer security breaches than a Windows machine with a
broadband connection that remains always on.

"If you said that 'Windows security is an oxymoron', you
would be making the understatement of the century," ???
said. "A Windows computer connected to the Internet with
broadband is even less secure than leaving your home's doors
unlocked and erecting a giant billboard out front that says,
'Attention, Burglars!  Come Right In -- No Security System,
Easy Access Doors and Windows!'"

"Of course," he continued, "Microsoft knows this, and that's
why they want people to keep using dial-up."

Microsoft is also concerned about how easy it is to download
Linux ISOs over a high-speed connection.  "If you tried to
download Mandrake over a modem, the progress bar would move
about the same speed that grass grows.  And that's exactly
what Microsoft wants -- dial-up connections make it much
harder to experiment with Linux."

Meanwhile, Microsoft has intentionally added bloat to each
successive version of Windows to keep ahead of pirates. "Why
do you think Excel had a flight simulator in it?" Black
asked. "That easter egg was just one of many ways that
Microsoft programmers used to triple the size of the
program,  making it hard to download over a slow connection.
But if everybody has access to a T1 line, then bloat is no
longer a deterrent."

"It's a very insidious system," said Mr. N. Saine, assistant
conspiriologist.  "Microsoft approaches large ISPs and
convinces them to only hire MCSEs as installers and tech
support reps.  These people are unable to troubleshoot and
fix even minor network problems, but are very good at
passing the buck.  This ultimately causes many customers to
give up and revert back to AOL.

With many countries now surpassing the United States in
broadband usage, some governments have offered to provide
foreign aid to the US in order to kickstart the country's
lagging Internet infrastructure.  Of course, these foreign
officials are not aware of the actual reason behind
America's online stagnation.

"We'd be happy to provide the US with funding and technical
expertise to help them enter the 21st Century," explained a
government official from Latvia.  "It would be our honor to
provide such a worthwhile humanitarian effort," he added
before bursting into ironic laughter.

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) is still trying to piece
together the details behind this and other Microsoft
conspiracy theories.  Check back later as we continue to
make stuff up... er, conduct more serious research into this
matter.


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